For what felt like the first time in years, Shepard slept without any dreams. The whispering, shadows, flames licking at her consciousness … all of it left her alone through the night. Out of habit, she woke up with a sharp inhale of breath, her eyes flying open. Logically, she knew there would be nothing to come at her in the early gray dawn, but her body tensed in anticipation. More often than not, something always happened when she slept.

This time, however, she was greeted by the lightening sky from her skylight. She wasn't shocked to find herself alone in her bed. Garrus had a habit of moving away from her after they slept together. Looking over at the couches, she saw her turian sitting quietly, typing on his omni-tool. The haze of light seemed to wash out the blue markings of his face, and he seemed tired. Shepard never really saw him sleep for extended periods of time. Bad dreams never plagued him, though, or that was at least what he told her.

As she sat up from the bed, Garrus looked up in her direction. Surprisingly, Shepard found one of her old baggy t-shirts under her bed, just as she left it. His mandibles flared in a lazy smile while she pulled it over her head. Most of his clothes were still abandoned around her bed, save for the pants that hugged around his rigid waist. The woman walked over quietly, slipping into his lap in one easy motion.

Garrus laughed as he ran his talons lightly up her leg. "Some things never change."

"What?" Shepard asked with a smile. "You know I hate running around completely naked in my cabin … Well, most of the time, anyway."

"Commander Shepard, always so modest."

"I should say the same thing about you. I don't think I've ever woken up to you so dressed down before."

The turian shrugged, tracing lazy patterns along her exposed skin. "Normally you're asleep a lot longer than I am. But that doesn't seem to be the case lately. Still having bad dreams?"

Shepard focused on watching his fingers move over her for a moment, debating how to answer. "Not last night, at least."

"'Not last night?' So you've still been having them … Mordin again, or—?"

"Mordin, Thane, Ashley, Legion ... dreams where Grunt didn't come out from helping with the Rachni, Tali throwing herself off a cliff on Rannoch, Samara and Liara turned into banshees, me going crazy during the Lazarus project and killing Miranda, you being shot by the Collectors …"

"You're dreaming of things that never even happened? Shepard …"

"I know, I know, waste of a good sleep. I can't really shut them off, much as I would like to."

"Have you been remembering anything? About the Crucible?"

"No, just this … voice telling me I have to choose. I don't know what I'm choosing or why. Sometimes I dream about being burned, or my arm being pinned … Miranda says that's just phantom pain creeping into my subconscious. My body likes to relive the trauma, I guess."

Garrus shook his head. "Humans are pretty morbid creatures, aren't they? Your own body likes to remind you about how badly it was hurt while you sleep."

"Yeah, we're pretty messed up. Me more than others, I think." She huffed a laugh before sighing. "I wish I could remember, really remember what happened. Maybe then I could do … I don't know, do something."

"I have no idea what else you could do, Shepard. After the whole 'savior of the galaxy' thing, I think people can forgive if you don't go running off after the next fight right away. Everyone's making their way somehow. You shouldn't have to be responsible for every being anymore."

"Tell you the truth, I'm not really thinking of every being anymore. I'm kind of thinking of a particular one … that's more than likely down in the cockpit right now."

It took Garrus a moment to realize. "Joker?"

Shepard nodded. "Kaidan says they've hardly seen him, even with all of their trips to the moon and around Earth. I know I haven't been here, but it sounds like, with EDI gone, he hardly ever leaves the cockpit."

"Well, Shepard, he never really did before—"

"Even so, he still talked to people."

"He still talks to us now."

Shepard groaned. "All right, fine, he used to talk to me."

The turian couldn't hide his confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Joker's been with me since the beginning. He helped me, all of us, through more than he ever knows. The guy was cocky as hell about it, but he had good reason to be. He's just as much a soldier as any of us on the field are, and without him … I would never had made it so far. Joker was my brother. Now … now he hasn't talked to me since the end of the war. Tali explained what happened to EDI, how it was because of what I did. Joker has every reason to hate me, but—"

"Hold on. It was Joker's idea to come back for you when we landed on Eden Prime. He helped all of the crew with their repairs to get the Normandy airborne again, so we could come back for you. Maybe it's more of a turian thing, but someone going through that much trouble to help someone else usually means the opposite of hate."

Shepard sighed heavily, looking away from him. As usual, Garrus was pointing out what she overlooked. It was hard to explain to the turian man why she was struggling with her approach to Joker. From what she gathered, the man wanted nothing more to do with her. He never visited her in the hospital, he refused to come to their shore leave gathering with the rest of the crew. Honestly, she had thought it was easier for Joker to just pretend she didn't exist anymore. After all, Shepard was still alive while EDI was gone … and it was her fault.

"Joker and EDI knew the risk of this war," Garrus said, bringing her attention back to him. "Everyone who was on the Normandy knew about it. He's your friend. Have a little faith in him."

The commander had to laugh. "Did Garrus Vakarian just tell me to have faith in something?"

He shrugged. "I guess I finally learned optimism from someone I know."

Kissing him quickly, she stood up from his lap, taking his hand in hers. "Come on. I think there was discussion of a shower …"

She took a deep breath before stepping off of the elevator. The Normandy had become her home over the years, the one place she truly felt like she belonged. Running her fingers along the railing, her eyes focused on the faint glow of the galaxy map. With a slight smile, she remembered how many hours she spent in front of that map, choosing where to travel, arguing with EDI about where to launch mining probes. They were such monotonous hours, but she enjoyed them all the same.

The hollow echo of her footsteps resonated around her as she continued down the bridge. A part of her regretted telling Garrus to stay in her cabin, but she knew this was something she had to do on her own. Most of the crew was down in their quarters, nursing hangovers and enjoying the relaxation of shore leave. Rhythmic beeping came to her as she passed the main airlock, indicating what she already knew: Joker was in the cockpit.

A view of the docking station took up the windows, showing the gray London sky above the main building. The Normandy's pilot, however, was focused on the holographic console in front of him. His SR-2 cap was slightly askew on his head as his fingers scratched under it absent-mindedly.

"You look like you're thinking really hard," Shepard joked as she stepped up behind him.

His chair turned around quickly to her voice. "Oh … hey, Commander," he said after a pause.

"What are you working on?"

"Going over some status reports. The Alliance has been wanting everyone to know what they've been doing."

"The usual 'look what I can do's?"

Joker huffed a small laugh. "Something like that …"

A heavy silence fell between the two of them. Shepard reached up to rub the back of her neck, searching for something to say, anything to make it better. Finally, Joker sighed, throwing his hands up in the air lazily.

"This is what we're gonna be now?" he said.

"I don't know," Shepard answered honestly. "I … really hope not."

"Look, Shepard … I know why you're so weird being around me. And I know it was shitty of me to not come see you when we were back."

"It's okay. You have every reason to be mad at me—"

Joker shook his head, leaning forward. "I've never been mad at you. Well, maybe there was a little bit where I thought about being mad at you, but—" He sighed. "Maybe there was a part of me that was mad at you for letting me convince myself to be with her in the first place. That it would've been easier if we never got together. Add my dad and Hilary … I was just hoping all of it would be easier."

"I wish I could say it would have been," Shepard said softly. "But if you cared about them, it never goes away. Somehow, you just have to learn to keep going."

"Yeah … easier said than done, right?"

"Always is. For what it's worth, Joker, I am sorry. If I could remember everything that happened—"

Joker laughed. "You'd be able to brag about how you saved existence as we know it. Don't worry about it, Commander. It'll come back to you. So … we okay?"

"Of course. You know I'm always around … if you need to talk or anything."

"I know. And thanks. I would say 'Let's hug it out,' but I don't think that's our thing."

Shepard had to smile. "Sounds good."

As she turned to leave, another beep came from Joker's console.

"Uh, Commander, I think you wanna check this field report," the pilot said over his shoulder. "Actually, it's a communications request to the Normandy, but I'd assume it's for you."

"Why's that?" Shepard wondered, stepping back into the cockpit.

"The sender is Dr. Ann Bryson. Current location: Psi Tophet system … Despoina."

Despoina. It sounded so familiar … Then it came to her, with a rush in her head and a chill in her body. Ann Bryson was the scientist who helped her to them, and now she was at the planet where the commander talked to them … The Leviathan.

A/N: I am SO SORRY for my inexcusable absence from this story. Everything in me has wanted to move the story forward, take it the direction I've been hoping, but, no matter how many times I wrote it, I couldn't find it. After a ridiculously, unacceptably long time, I came up with a chapter that I can feel comfortable with. With luck, I can get over this barricade I seem to keep running myself into, and keep Aftermath going. All the same, thank you for reading.