Rachael Louise Earl, born and raised in Stamford, Lincolnshire. She was now eighteen and still hated the place - forever moaning about how boring it was to her mum and boyfriend. Now although Rae was a loud and bright girl, she wasn't the most popular of girls but she wasn't completely friendless. She had three or four close friends, and two best friends - plus books. She preferred books to people. She'd rather watch and read about people than actually be one. Rae went throughout school a walking target, her mouth and loud aura always an attraction for bullies. Rae tried her best to get along with everyone, but was nowhere near popular; having just the right amount of friends she needed to get her through her school years. Standing at a booming height of 5ft8, she carried a voluptuous
frame. Now, Rae wasn't the skinniest of people but she had killer curves and her height made her pull it off better than most women could. She had the body of a real woman, sure she was doughy in some parts - but she was how a real woman looked. Her legs and waist were the only bits she liked as they were thinner than the rest of her, she hated her boobs as they were huge and made her look bigger than she was. She was pretty, that kind of pretty that didn't need any heavy make-up and it was often over-looked because it wasn't everyone's idea of beautiful. But she was beautiful, not with just looks but with her mind. Rae saw the good in everybody and never saw flaws, too nice for her own good - which often made her a walk-over. She had a good head of raven black that complimented a pair of puppy-dog brown eyes. By all means she wasn't one of those girls who thought they were ugly but then turns out they look like Megan Fox - like in most books.
Rae was a pretty, talkative, bubbily, smart, loud and happy eighteen-year-old.
So, when did she start feeling so sad? Rae couldn't pin point it exactly, but it had been for a while. But she could never figure out why. She had a loving mother, a healthy relationship, a nice house, endless amounts of books and a good little group of friends who supported her and listened to her. She didn't know exactly when she woke up feeling that same guilt and dread she'd feel, that type of guilt and dread you feel after you've been on a night out and fear what you did when you woke up the next morning. But she knew it had been for a while as she was used to it - and you only get used to something if it's been there long enough. Rae didn't label herself as depressed, as she had nothing to be depressed about. She had both her parents, money, books and friends. She went to Stamford college, doing Drama - something she always loved - and her mum gave her money whenever she asked or needed it.
Like it was said, there was absolutley nothing Rae could be depressed about. To be fairly honest, she had a bloody good life. Never had a broken heart, never had a major loss in the family, etc. But she knew there was something wrong, you can't just wake up one morning and have a sudden urge to jump off a building. The thoughts and voices she often experienced couldn't have been normal either - what person do you know has to turn the iron off eight times otherwise they think their mum will die? But she didn't want to worry her mum, especially after the "accident", as she knew the way she were was just temporary and was just a phase, an aftermath after being in the mental hospital...
At least she hoped.
Before Chloe came round that late afternoon, Rae was in her weekly therapy session with Kester. He sat with that same old, eye reaching and knowing smile - but it was also hinted with sadness as today was one of Rae's final sessions with Kester as he was an adolescent therapist and he'd kept Rae on longer than they allowed.
"So, you nervous about movin' onto adult services?" Asked Kester, cocking an eyebrow. Rae sighed and shrugged, "Dunno, ain't really though' about it; to be honest", Kester nodding, taking it in before asking, "And how've you been feeling overall? How's Al, how's that going?" Rae didn't smile but her eyes glinted with that shame sheer childish happiness that Kester once felt for his, now divorced, wife, "S'goin' good, 'appiest I've felt in a long time", "And how've your thoughts been?" She shifted slightly, growing uncomfortable with the topic, "S'been ok, some days better than the others but they ain't been too bad", Kester nodded once more before asking, "And 'ow's Finn, he still with Chloe?" Rae nodded, "Yeh, still arguin' and then suckin' face off each other within the space of five minutes", Which earned a grin from Kester, "Nothing new there then", Rae couldn't help but give a smirk.
A moment passed and Rae thought over the tiff she had with Chloe earlier and driving to Nottingham, etc. Could she tell Kester that? Rae, not making eye contact, frowned as she asked, "Y'know the way y' said I can tell y' anythin' and it stays in total confidence?" Kester nodded, before Rae continued, "Is tha' offer still open?"
After Rae confessed everything about that morning to Kester and him offering her his usual life advice, the pair discussed some more bits and soon the session came to an end; that being their third to last, together. Rae had walked to therapy that afternoon as it was cold but sunny, jumper weather at it's best. As Rae left therapy, she decided Green Lane shops way would be the best as not only was it a shortcut but a Woolworth's was right in the heart of it; meaning pic-n-mix.
As Rae statisifed her sweet-tooth craving, she began the dreaded walk down Green Lane as the Green Lane Gang sprang to her mind. She prayed and prayed that they weren't out and possibly in school, but was only disappointed as she heard, "Oi, Jabba!" She could kill the bloke who invented Star Wars. As a chorous of "Jabba", "Scrubber", "Fat slag", And other weight insults rang through Rae's ears as they walked behind her; she picked up her pace and squeezed her eyes shut, using Tix's breathing technique she showed Rae back in the hospital.
She then turned a corner and saw the block of flats she knew that Finn lived in, she saw it as an escape route and made a sprint for it; she jogged across the road, up the steps and pressed the buzzer to Finn's over and over - praying he was in. From behind the insults got louder and louder, she danced on the balls of her feet as she awaited for Finn to answer - her heart skipped as she heard, "'Ello?" Through the intercom, she then breathed, "Finn, i-it's me! Can I come up?" She stuttered, nervously glancing over her shoulder to see Big G - the leader - and his twats closing in. "Yeh, sure. Me door's open, I'll buzz y' up now", and with that, he did.
Rae took no chances and swung the block of flats' door open, racing inside and slamming it shut; the insults becoming muffled. She then made the journey up the concrete steps, soon finding herself outside of Finn's door. She made her way inside, calling out, "Finn?" Before slowly closing the door behind her. "Living room!" She then made her way through to the living room, to find a shirtless Finn; sat on the couch. He was nursing swollen and cut knuckles with a wash cloth and a bowl of warm water, anti-septic, bandages, gauze and plasters all laid out on the table.
"Y'alright?" He asked, not even looking up; wincing as he squeezed the warm wash cloth over an open gash across the knuckles above his index and middle fingers on his left hand. Rae dropped her pic-n-mix in shock, the hard sweets hitting the ground with a thud; which caused Finn to glance up and frown. Which caused Rae's mouth to drop into an 'O' As she took in the state of his bruised and cut face, she then gasped, "Wha' the fuck 'ave y' been doin'!? Running into glass doors!?" He rolled his eyes at her over expressive reaction, but then again it was Rae; what did he expect? "It's nowt", She picked up her bag of sweets off the floor and threw herself onto the armchair, throwing her arms up, "First Chloe and now, y'. Is someone gonna tell me wha' the fuck's going on!?"
He couldn't help but scoff an amused laugh as he looked down at his knuckles, his laugh turning to a wince as a splosh of warmth ran over them. She watched him, something about the way he frowned and winced caused something to kick at her chest. She huffed, placing her bag of pic-n-mix on the coffee table before she rose to her feet and joined him on the couch, "Hands", He paused, mid wash before looking up at her with a frown; which caused her to roll her eyes and playfully huff, "Put y' 'ands out t' me, dick'ed", He gave a smirk but did what he was told.
She gingerly looked at the damage across the knuckles of his hands, a gash on his right and just a bruise on his left. She ran a thumb over the bruise which caused him to yelp and yank back his hand, she sighed and gave him a look, "Oh, Finn, don't be such a baby. Gimme me it again, I need to look at summat", In which he nursed it against his chest with his other hand and gave her a look, "Are y' gonna touch it again?" "No, Finn. Now don't be such a bloody whingy bugger and give me y' hand", He looked at her for a moment before giving in and handing over his left hand, which she carefully examined before she asked, "Right can y' wiggle y' fingers?" He went to but then sucked in a breath and shook his head, looking on the verge of tears. Rae looked at his expression and let out a laugh, which he scowled and snapped, "It's not funny! It fuckin' 'urts!" She rolled her eyes, "Shouldn't be fightin' then, should y'".
"Right lemme look at the right", "Be careful, Rae. It's really sore", She shook her head but gave an amused smile, he placed his right hand into her palm and she looked it over before looking up at him, cocking an eyebrow, "'Ave y' checked for any glass?" He shook his head, "Can't, it 'urts too much", She rolled her eyes, again, before letting go of his hand; out the corner of her eye she could see him wince and shake it slightly in pain. She leaned over to the coffee table, looking through the first aid kit. Finn tried to look over her shoulder, curious. She then reaverted herself back to him, tweezers, anti-septic and cotton-wool buds upon her lap, "Gimme y' left hand", and he did so. She grabbed the anti-septic, opening the cap and pouring some carefully onto a cotton wool bud; placing the bottle between her knees. She went to wipe Finn's oozing gash when he pulled his hand back, "Whooaa! Wha' y' doin'!?" "Finn, I 'ave t' clean it", "Then use the wash cloth!" She shook her head, "No, it needs properly cleanin'. Otherwise it will get infected".
He tightened his jaw and gave her the "Finn frown" Before, stubbornly, handing over his left hand with the gaping wound. "Right, Finn, this will sting a little", She spoke, careful with her words before slowly and tenderly wiping the gash with the cotton wool bud; which caused him to let out a growl of pain through gritted teeth and his muscles to tense, she smacked her palm against his forehead and scowled, "Don't tense, only makes it worse!" "It fuckin' 'urts, alright!" His voice cracked, she softened as she couldn't help but feel sorry for him before wiping his gash a few more times and then soothing, "Alright, alright, alright. All done", She then chucked the bloody bud onto the coffee table before turning back to him and picking the tweezers from her lap, "Now, I need to check for glass and pick it out, if there is any. And this will hurt, so y' may wanna put the cloth between y' teeth, just in case", "D'ya 'ave t'?" "Yes, otherwise it will get infected and y' 'and will get gang green", In which Finn burst into a fit of laughter, she gave a bemused smile and shoved her shoulder against his, playfully, "Oh, give over".
A silence fell between the two as Rae examined his gash for any glass, he watched her; like a curious child as he tilted his head slightly as he watched her with careful eyes. Something tightened at his chest and he felt his stomach lurch, he frowned as he grew lost in thought. He began at her eyes, both big and brown, always glistening and bright - His favourite thing about her, especially when they lit up as she talked about something she loved. He trailed over the curve of her nose, so small and button-like. Her lips... So plump. Finn then scowled at himself, for thinking like that before he shook his thoughts away; just as Rae then spoke as she let go of his hand and placed the tweezers back onto the coffee table, "Right, no glass. So, y' in luck", "Ah, cool. Nice one", "Want me t' bandage it?" He looked over his gash before asking, "D'ya mind?" She shook her head, "Nah, s'fine. Now, gis y' 'and back, fuckin' pain in the arse", She joked playfully in which he smirked at her and handed over his left hand in which she began to work on.
He watched her, once more, before asking, "'Ow d'ya know 'ow t' do all this?" As she concentrated on wrapping his hand in gauze, he felt her tense before saying, "Y' 'ave enough accidents, y' get used t' doin' it", He then clicked onto what she meant and shifted, the couch suddenly uncomfortable. He hated himself for asking, as he hated talking about all that dark shit with her; flashbacks of when they were sixteen crawled into his mind. That summer still gave him nightmares, as he found her and if hadn't have found her, lying in a pool of her own blood in her bath; she wouldn't be sat here today. It was her eyes, the way they stared right at him when he entered the room. He had never seen so much blood and Rae had never felt so cold... He still had nightmares, but in his nightmares it was too late... It was always too late. Some night terrors more real than others, which would often caused Finn to ring Al's - checking if Rae was alright.
Without thinking, Finn asked, "Wha' was it like, y'know, in the 'ospital?" She shrugged, now wrapping a bandage around his knuckles, "S'alright, boring most of the time", "Was it scary?" She huffed, finishing dressing his hand before snapping, "Look, can we not talk about it? S'done and it ain't ever 'appening again", "Sorry", She then began collecting the first aid kit's contents and putting away, not looking a him as she softly spoke, "S'fine, just don't like talkin' about it".
A silence fell between the two and Finn could see she was growing dark, so, he blurted out; as if his words were vomit, "Wanna go for a ride?" She then looked at him, cocking an eyebrow with curiosity.
Her fingers linked at his stomach, her thumb accidently grazing his tummy; which caused a smile to break out on his face. He revved his scooter harder, the open road and the wind smashing against the shield of their helmets. He gave out a cheer and heard her giggle from behind, squealing, "Finn! Be careful, y' daft sod!" But he just let out a laugh, a sudden burst of happiness radiating between the two.
Rae then outstretched her her arms, resembling a bird. She felt the wind touch her fingertips and glide along her fingers, she inhaled the fresh air and enjoyed the feel of the open road and how it was just them two - spending time with her best boy mate a rare occurance lately. She joined her hands around his tummy once more, his stomach muscles flexing under her touch. She let out a giggle as she turned her head to the right and watched the passing scenery whipping past them in a blur before turning her attention back to the road before them.
The pair decided on going the park, just to sit on the swings, get some fresh air and have a mess about. As soon as they reached that familiar tarmac and play set, Finn parked the bike and they climbed off; shaking off the helmets and making their way through to the park - heading straight for the rusted and worn swing set. They took a seat each as the park was deserted, Rae twirled from side to side; letting the child within come out for a moment. Finn, smoking on a rollie, watched with amusement as he sat on the swing beside her; sitting sidewards in a cool and laid-back, typical Finn manner - but his feet cutely and carelessly inwards as Finn was, unfortuantely, pigeon-toed.
"I remember when I was four, my dad took me to my first park as mum never bothered when I was little; said they were too dangerous", She then held onto the chains of the swing and kicked her feet, pushing the swing into motion as she spoke, "And I remember how high he kept on pushing me", And with that she went higher, it were as if she wasn't speaking to Finn but more at him; as if she were thinking aloud and he said nothing but just sat and listened, she continued, "And I always wanted more, higher and higher I went. I remember bein' on the swing one minute then on the floor the next as I'd let go and went flyin' but I remember 'ow amazin' it felt, bein' in the air", She then tilted her head back as she was now in full swing, her hair floated behind her as she felt weightless and felt so at peace.
And that's how she always felt with Finn, at peace and blissful. She felt as if she were floating, the comfort of Finn and the motion of the swing gave her a feeling of, somewhat, content. She shut her eyes and let the swing take her to a place in her mind that only ever appeared around Finn, as she could be herself; her true self. The quiet Rae that nobody ever saw, the Rae that she hid away as she always felt as if she had to keep up her loud persona and Finn let her, he never made her feel as if she had to constantly wear that mask of happiness; he appreciated and loved her for everything she was - in what way he wasn't quite sure.
Finn watched as she went higher and higher, and he felt happier and happier as in that moment; the pair felt free. Free from bullshit, free from stress and in that moment; they could be kids and be at peace. Words from Archie one drunken night sprang to Finn's mind, "Here y' have two people who are so perfect for each other, yet they don't believe that the other could possibly have feelings for them. If only they knew how one another felt, they wouldn't hurt each other the way they do, I don't get why y' don't just tell her, Finn. Tell her before she's lost to y' forever", A year and a half on and the words still echoed in Finn's mind every now and again.
Finn wasn't sure that he loved Rae, as he wasn't really sure about anything; if he was being quite honest. But he knew he wanted to keep her in his life, as she was a part of him - in a sense. Oddly, a French sentence sprang to his mind - something he learnt in school, "Tu me manques" Which meant "You are missing from me", and he loved that. He loved the way the French never said "I miss you" but "You are missing from me". You are a part of me, you are like a limb, the oxygen that keeps me alive and the blood that runs within my veins - and that's what she was becoming. A part of him. A part he felt was the reason he breathed, ate and slept - what kept him going. She may not have been his girlfriend, as he wasn't sure he even liked her like that - but he knew that deep down, she was his soul mate.
As time grew on, the pair decided they needed to depart around four - so he drove her to Al's and went their seperate ways. Once again, their bond growing more strong. It was not long gone four-thirty in the afternoon, when Rae opened the door to a broken Chloe; the pair made their way straight through to the kitchen and sat at the table - Rae decided a cup of tea was best.
Finn always would say tea made everything better, even if it were only small percentage. And if that were the case, then Chloe was going to need a river-load to even make an eighth of her better. Her hands curled around her freshly-brewed mug of tea that Rae had placed before her, breathing a "Thanks" Over the hot liquid before taking a sip and then placing it down on a coaster. Rae, nursing her own tea, asked, "So, wha' 'appened then?" Chloe ran a hand through her hair, her eyes puffed and her cheeks red, she sniffed, "Went the doctor's today, turns out I'm not pregnant", Rae raised her eyebrows as she sympathetically cooed, "But tha's a good thing isn't it?" Chloe shook her head, trying to stop thick tears from spilling, "It's not just tha', turns out I'm infertile", Rae sucked in a breath before stuttering, "As in y' can't...?" Chloe then nodded and fell to bits once more.
Rae said nothing but rose to her feet, moved round to Chloe and leaned down; pulling Chloe into her arms as Chloe sobbed and Rae rocked them slowly back and fourth in a motherly manner as she cooed, "Oh, Chlo. I'm so sorry". A pang of guilt hit Rae as her best friend sobbed, her life going perfectly; whilst Chloe's was falling apart - Rae grew silently angry but didn't dare show it, she grew angry at how Chloe - yet again - made Rae feel like shit. But this time, she didn't even know she was doing so.