Rae walked down the high street, walker headphones in and the world on mute. Rae thought over the past few days, more importantly; that night. Her wrists, arm and knuckles still faintly burned and itched; ghost like. She then thought about the way the glass felt against her skin, the way it gave her such a rush... But then the itch and burning from the scabbing begged for her attention. It wasn't worth it, or was it? As it made her feel so good, so alive... Put it this way, if she had the chance again; then she wouldn't stop herself.
Someone knocked into her shoulder, bringing Rae back to reality. She hadn't realised how busy the high street was, and she didn't like it. She didn't like the close proximity of bodies as she weaved in-and-out of everyone, feeling as if all eyes were all on her. She ducked her head and kept her stare on her feet, she felt as if no matter how loud her music played in her ears; it couldn't stop the voices of the outside world from getting into her mind. The more she walked, the louder the talking and laughter would get. She suddenly felt like an ant under a magnifying glass and everybody was judging her, they knew her secret. They knew how sick and messed up she was.
She picked up her pace, just wanting to be home and out of everyone's stare.
Once Rae had gotten into the block of flats, she trekked up the cement stairway before walking up to her and Al's door on the fifth floor. She hadn't realised she had been crying, until her thick tears completely blurred her vision and she couldn't get the key into her lock. After the third try, she let out of a cry of frustration before leaning her forehead and resting her head against the oak door. That is, until it swung open to reveal Al. He frowned as he took in her expression, his heart weighed heavily in his chest, "Babe? Wha's 'appened?" She sniffed before she whimpered, "I.. I just, I kinda need y' right now", Before she let out a sob, the only kind of sobs that could mean one thing:
A broken heart.
Once Finn had gotten back into the flat, his anger pulsed and he needed to feel something; anything. He made his way into the living room, where Chloe was sat on the arm of the couch where Izzy sat beside her. Finn's eyes glanced down to Chloe's exposed thigh as her dress had ridden up as her legs were crossed before back up to her face and then over to Izzy, "Iz, babe, don't mean t' sound rude but can y' piss off?" He then flashed her a playful smile but his eyes grew darker by the second, Izzy rolled her eyes but smirked, "Alright, I'll let y' two 'ave y' fun", She rose to her feet and shared a kiss on the cheek with Chloe before moving over to Finn and pointing a finger at him and jokingly quipping, "Y' be good y'", He then shared a small laugh with her before she left, she gave his arse a playful on the way out.
Finn looked over his shoulder, waiting to hear the sweet sound of the front door creaking open and slamming shut. Once it did so, he turned to Chloe and said nothing but walked over; grabbing her face in his hands and planting a whopper of a kiss onto her lips. Such a big kiss that when he pulled away, Chloe had to gasp slightly for air, "Finn, what are y-" He cut her off by rejoining their lips, she moved her body fully round; wrapping her legs around his hips. He then took this as a cue to lift her up, before he moved them both round and lie her gently down on the couch. He then kneeled and looked down at her, smiling but his pupils growing and his chest rose and fell. She frowned before asking, "Wha'?" "Nowt, y' just look cute", He smirked, playfullness to his tone. In which she rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Shut up", Before pulling him in by his white T-shirt, connecting their lips once more. As they grew into it, Finn whipped off his open plaid shirt before Chloe helped him pull his white tee over his head. He then helped her lift up her dress and peel it off, all their items of clothing strewn across the room.
Kissing, touching, scratching, biting, the two just couldn't feel enough of each other. As she went to reach for the buckle of his jeans, he pushed her hand away and she cocked an eyebrow as she pulled away. He then gave her a cheeky smirk before he began to work on her neck, she then threatened, "Fiiiinn?" "Mmhm?" He mumbled into her neck, "Wha' are y' doin'?" He said nothing but moved down to her collarbones, niping and kissing before her chest; leaving gentle kisses but lingering his lips longer than needed in a torturing manner. He then shifted slightly as he slowly moved himself and his lips down between her breasts, his fingers toying with the waistband of her lacy underwear - his favourite. He moved his lips down to her stomach, when he froze and his breath caught at the back of his throat; a sadness overwhelmed him as they hadn't had sex since Chloe had found out she was infertile. He hovered his lips over her tummy as he stared down at it as if it were suddenly new and he didn't know what to do with it, she then softly asked, "Finn, y'alright?" He then took a deep breath before nodding, placing a soft kiss upon her stomach and then continuing; leaving love bites on her hips - which caused Chloe to let out a whine and moan. He smirked into her skin and never took his eyes off her once, her reactions to his touches his favourite thing. He could feel himself growing and needed to get a move on, he then reached the waistband of her knickers and left a line of kisses; her stomach tensing and twitching with each one.
Although his thoughts were everywhere and his pulse was racing, he couldn't help but think of Rae; what he said. He knew Rae was insecure, but he knew she was tough and what he said couldn't have effected her that bad... Could it?
Now although Rae wasn't and never had been an anorexic, she still did suffer from the thoughts; the thoughts that were just as evil as her friend Tix's - it just didn't show on Rae like it used to with Tix. And although Rae liked to eat, she hated eating around anyone; in fear of them commenting on it. Not that they would, as Rae ate normally - well when she wasn't feeling sad or with the girls. Even with Finn, her best and closest friend, she still felt uncomfortable eating around him.
Al and Rae were sat in their living room, eating a large ham and pineapple pizza whilst watching a soap on the box. Al sat sprawled out on the couch and Rae sat curled up beside him, both chewing a slice of pizza; the pizza box sat in between them on the coffee table.
She went to reach for the last pizza slice, when Al piped up, "Fuckin' 'ell, do y' ever stop eating?" She paused, and frowned at him, "Wha'? I'm hungry", Offence coated her tone, in which he scoffed, "After tha'? Y' must be jokin'", She placed her tongue behind her bottom lip, eyes widening as she sat back in a sulk - a pang of hurt kicked at her stomach. He then rolled his eyes, "Oh wha' now?" She shook her head, snapping, "Nowt, sorry me bein' such a fuckin' pig offended y'", He frowned, "I never said tha-" "But y' implied it", She cut him off, a slight quiver in her voice. He looked at her for a moment, was she being serious? He scoffed, reaverting his gaze back onto the telly, "Wha'ever, Rae".
Not wanting to stay in the same room as him, Rae got up, grabbed the pizza box and empty cans of pop on the table and storming out; heading for the kitchen - hearing him playfully call out "Raaaaae", His tone infuriating her even more.
She made her way over to the bin, shoving the box and cans into the bin - feeling his presence in the kitchen doorway. Not making eye contact, she moved over to the cupboards and grabbed a glass, walking over to the sink - catching a glimpse of Al's reflection in the kitchen window that overlooked the town - and pouring herself a glass of water - the silence and tension within the room suffocating. After downing her water, she slammed the glass down on the side and turned to see Al in the doorway; leaning against the doorframe. She walked over to him, glowering and went to walk past when he pulled her back, "Rae, don't be like tha'", She huffed, "Be like wha'? Upset tha' y've just practically called me a pig? Well excuse me", He rolled his eyes, he could be a cocky little shit when he wanted to be, "I didn't mean it like tha', y' overreacting, again", "Oh fuck off, y' fuckin' dick'ed", She went to walk into the living room when he said, "Go on, 'ave y' tantrum then fuck off t' Finn's, like always", She froze, and she don't know how or why it happened, or what it was even but it overpowered her and controlled her as she turned.
She folded her arms before she spat, "Get out", He snorted a laugh, slightly confused as he was unsure of whether she was joking or being serious, "Wha'?" She snapped, her tone more stern than her last but still spoke with the same amount of venom, "I said get out, go on. Fuck off", He took a moment, smiling smugly; which caused anger to pulse throughout Rae's veins, "Y' can't be serious", Through a locked jaw, she seethed, "I can, now piss off. Go on, get out!" She spoke, her tone becoming louder with each word, "Oh come on, Rae. Stop bein' so fuckin' childish, I was just jokin'".
That did it, she then shoved him against the wall, before she began smacking him as she screamed, "I said get out, go on! Get out, y' fuckin' horrible prick!" He grabbed her wrists, stopping some of the blows before shouting, "What are y' doing, y' dickhead!?" She wriggled out of his grip and pushed him, quite hard too considering her height next to his, "Are y' fucking deaf!? I said, get out!" She was now screeching, like a banshee. She pushed him over by the front door before he pushed past her and began storming through to their bedrooom; two steps at a time, she shouted after him, "What are y' doin'!?"
It wasn't too long before he returned, his jacket and shoes on and he stormed out of the flat; not saying another word - slamming the front door after himself. She then screamed, "Yeh, go on, piss off! Fuckin' knob!" Her chest heaved as she breathed heavily, adrenaline coursing through her as she looked around before she stormed through to the kitchen - noting a bowl on the kitchen island and some workpapers in which she threw them off, the smashing of the bowl as it hid the kitchen tiles echoed off the walls. She grabbed plates and glasses from the draining board, lunching them at the floor with a scream. She booted the cupboards under the sink, her thoughts were racing and her temper was growing out of control.
She slid down to the floor, sitting against the kitchen units and hitting the ground with a thud. She then started clawing at her chest and face, leaving scratches - red and prominent; some even drew blood. She began smacking and punching at her thighs, her punches becoming harder and harder with each hit. She felt sick with herself as she suddenly wanted to crawl out of her own skin, feeling suffocated. Thick tears streamed out of her face as she clawed at her neck, pulling at her hair and smacking her head as she screamed, "Get out, get out, get out!"
She smacked her head backwards against one of the cupboards, a sickening thud echoed around the room. She then pushed herself to her feet, pacing as she pulled at her hair; sobs becoming screams. She then started screaming, "Y' made him leave, it's all y' fault. Y' selfish bitch! Leave him alone, he's done nothin' wrong! Leave him alone!" She spoke as if she were speaking in third person, her words felt like they didn't belong to her. She couldn't understand what was happening in her mind, it was like a thousand voices were screaming at her - coming from all angles. She couldn't breathe, it felt as if someone was choking her. Snot ran from her nose and her eyes grew sore from crying.
She couldn't take this anymore, the sadness, the voices, the pain - she just wanted to rip off her skin and curl into a ball; cutting off the world. She was terrified, it were as if another person - an evil person - was living inside her brain as well; the constant little devil on her shoulder. She let another strangled cry, screaming at nothing but thin air "Leave me alone!" She then crouched down, burying her face into her knees as she hugged her legs; curling into a ball as she sobbed. Her tone was soft as she cried to herself, repeating her words of, "Leave me alone, please leave me alone". She couldn't move, she could only cry. She just couldn't do this anymore, she couldn't take the mood swings any longer - when was this going to stop? She shut her eyes and counted to ten rapidly in her head.
"God you're so fat", Spoke one voice.
"Why does Finn even bother with you? I bet you're just some bet that he has with Al and when he shagged you, he'd won a tenner. Cause no one would like you, you don't even like you. You ugly slut", Another voice spat.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10", Rae mumbled out loud before she took a deep breath. What was happening to her? Where were these voices coming from? What was going on? This wasn't her, this wasn't Rae. She looked down at the shattered glass, wondering what it would feel like against her skin...
She then widened her eyes before then squeezing them shut again. Her chest grew tight, her thoughts were becoming more erratic and weird as each moment passed. She pulled at her hair and smacked her head; a way of trying to get them out. Her breathing grew heavy as did her chest - a sob left her lips. She tugged harder and harder at her hair as the walls around her grew smaller and smaller - the room was on a sudden axis. She picked up the smallest but sharpest piece of glass. She admired it in the light, smiling at the way it glistened at each angled she turned it.
Rae had been to a place this dark once before, but back then she wasn't old enough to understand it or truly, truly feel it. Although she felt emptiness, there was still something there that consumed her and ate her whole - swallowing every bit of happiness she held. She was being controlled by her own dark thoughts, she felt as if every time she left her house that people knew she thought differently to everyone - as they were secrectly and silently judging her. She felt as if she was drowning except she could see everyone around her breathing.
She then leaned back against a cupboard door, took a glance from her wrist to the glass. She'd never thought about doing this, well she'd thought about it - but never actually wanted to do it. But the way that glass sliced her skin when she had first done it over two years ago felt... Beautiful. To her it did, it felt like nothing Rae had felt before. Yes, it did hurt but that's what made Rae love it. It made her feel something, made her feel human again and normal and that she could still actually feel things - she wasn't just a walking shell of nothinginess. She then stared ahead and clutched the glass so hard, it began to pierce her skin and she embraced the feeling as her blood dripped from her palm and onto the floor, creating small blood poppies.
And then something snapped, realising what she was doing. She dropped the glass as if it were on fire, she looked at her hand - what had she done? "Shit", She breathed before climbing off the floor, ignoring the throbbing and burning pain coming from the palm of her hand.
She then made her way over to the sink and began to clean herself, panicking as the blood wouldn't stop. But throughout it all, she didn't cry. Not a single tear. She somehow kept herself together. As she dodged the broken glass and she cleaned herself and the floor, she then crouched as she opened the doors underneath the sink and scanned the contents. She took out some sanitizer and the first aid kit. Once her hand was wrapped up and taken care of, she put the stuff back and then began picking the glass and plates up. Being careful as she could, she cradled the discarded glass and dinner plates in her arms before throwing them in the kitchen bin.
She then suddenly felt a wave of motion sickness, which caused her to slide down a wall of the kitchen and take a moment. She inhaled for five and exhaled for five, eyes widening with each second. What the hell had just happened? She needed to get out of the house and she needed to get out now.
The pub was packed, people breathing down each other's necks due to the closeness of their bodies. The gang - excluding Rae and Al - sat at their regular table, cheeks and noses pink from being out in the cold.
Finn chewed the inside of his cheek, staring blankly as he grew lost in thought. That is, until a passerby drunkenly and accidentally shoved into him, slurring a 'Sorry' Before stumbling off. You'd honestly think it was New Year's Eve, not another normal night. He checked the time on his watch; 21:09 beamed back at him, he hadn't heard her come in; not until Izzy piped up, "Oh my God, wha' 'appened t' y' 'and!?" He looked up, only for a brief moment, to see Rae's hand gauzed and wrapped in a bandaged. He frowned a little, what did she do? Rae's cheeks turned a brighter shade of pink than usual, feeling embarassed under everyone's stare in which she responded with, "I dropped a glass before and cut my 'and as I picked up one of the pieces to put it in the bin", Everyone gave her a mix of sympathetic 'Oohs' and 'Aahs' - apart from Finn. Finn simply tutted and rolled his eyes, "Well that were a bit stupid, weren't it", In which Rae snapped back, "Well fuck me, It speaks".
He gave a sarcastic laugh before snapping, "Oh y' so fuckin' funny", She then took a seat on Archie's right side; placing him right in between Rae and Finn, she then sarcastically quipped, "I know I pride myself on my humour actually, d'ya know wha' a humour is?" "Yeh, I do actually. It's summat y' 'aven't got", She rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Such a prick", A sense of de ja vu overcame them both, those exact words she once spoke when Finn first started realising he had feelings for her and began being a dick; the week run up to Knebworth. Archie then butted in, "When y' two are done 'avin' a domestic, we need t' finalise these campin' trip plans. Right, as y'know it'll be Chop and Izzy in one car, me and Johnny in the other, Rae and Fi-" He was cut off by Rae and Finn's protests before Rae then piped up, "No way am I sharing a car with tha' thing", In which Finn retaliated with, "Oh I'm a thing now, not an It? Ta, for tha' Rae. Feel so much better", Rae pulled a face at him in which he mocked before the two started bickering once more before Johnny snapped, "Right! Enough, ok Finn y' with Chloe and Rae y' with Al", Rae and Finn then said "Thank fuck for tha'", In sync before glaring at each other.
Well, this was going to be a fun trip.