Chapter Sixty-Eight

And there was that question.
That dreaded, God awful, all conspiring question.

"How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know." Eliot offered tersely.

"Yes you do." She smiled a little too brightly if you asked him. "Now just take a second to really think about it. How do you feel?"

"Abnormal I guess." He hated these sessions. Well not as much as the ones he had sat through with Pinocchio, but still.

"And why is that?" Clearly she was hunting for a detailed explanation.

"Because it's not normal." Hence his use of the word abnormal.

"Says who exactly?"

The patience showing on her weary yet warm face grated his nerves immensely. "Me... 'cause it's not. I mean it's not normal to have to focus so hard on somethin' as easy as eating."

"So why do you focus on it so strongly?"

He couldn't help but stare at her nimble yet knobby knuckles as he mulled the question. "In all honesty Ma'am..." He'd spent many hours on this question already. "I was hopin' you'd tell me."

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"So tell me," Dr. Murdock started easily. "How are things at home going?"

"I honestly couldn't tell you at the moment." Nate sighed. "I mean every time I think things are going good something switches and his mood's sour."

"Which I'll safely assume turns yours." Murdock summed as he made a note that the session had once more turned to Nate's partner. "But the question to ask yourself is, Why do you let it?"

"I don't let it. I... I... I just..."

"Tell me," Murdock stepped in to give things direction. "When he gets angry, is it with you?"

"Not usually"

"So then would you agree that it's most likely the situation that angered, or more likely still, frustrated him?"

"I suppose" Nate agreed as he carefully studied the words being spoken.

"So perhaps next time you find yourself in such a situation you can attempt to halt your frustration. Then it'll be more likely that you can help him remedy his."

"I... I..."

"Don't want to help him." Murdock supplied.

"Now I never said that!" Those words being put in his mouth pissed him off!

"Nate, all I'm trying to do is open your eyes to every option out there. You don't have to help him; in fact it's not your job to!"

"I choose to." Nate defended as he grew ever more rigid in his seat.

"And why is that?" Murdock knew they'd soon be facing an epiphany.

"Because I love him." Even as they left his mouth Nate was in disbelief of the bluntness in which those words had been spoken. "I mean..."

"You meant just what you said Nate, and that's okay. It's alright to admit it. People admit to love proudly every day." The pen shaking between his fingers at lightening speed was only a slight hint at the pace of his thoughts. "So tell me, Why shouldn't you?"

"I d..."

"Is it because he's a man? Are you afraid of that stigma? Have you been discriminated against for admitting you loved a man?"

Nate found himself sighing as he rubbed a brow.
He wasn't sure how to answer, if he wanted to even; Murdock was sure riding him today. "I've never been with any other men." And for some reason he felt like a school girl admitting she was a virgin.

"Because you didn't want to or...?"

"Look, I'm not in denial. I know how it works and I know things like that don't just pop up one day. It started somewhere back in the beginning, but I'm not hiding or suppressing some fantasy of an alternative lifestyle."

"So you've never thought about how your life might have been as an openly homosexual male?" Whether Nate realized it or not this was one of the very structures his relationship was being built on.

"There's never been a time in my life where I've thought of myself as homosexual. Or bisexual for that matter, openly or otherwise." He'd started his life with thoughts of priesthood and marriage had followed soon after those had ended; obviously his personal definition of sexuality was somewhat askew. "To say differently would be extremely hypocritical of me."

"So you identify as a heterosexual," Nate's statement fueled his. "That just happens to be engaging in, what I assume is, a sexual relationship with another man?"

Nate's mind traveled back to seminary school, to Maggie, Sophie, and Eliot. Those thoughts brought an overwhelming sense of confusion, one he wasn't quite ready to delve into, so instead he shrugged as he offered simply, "There's exceptions to every rule."

"And how does your partner feel about being considered an exception?" He could tell Nate was holding back, but still he'd run with what he'd been given.

"That's something you'd have to ask him." How in the hell did this guy expect him to know what Eliot felt when he couldn't even name his own feelings? There wasn't a term, a name, or label that could neatly tie up anything when it came to them, they just were what they were and for him that was good enough.

"Because you don't know the answer or because you don't want to answer Nate?" Murdock received a silent glare in response. "Alright," He leaned back in his seat as he reevaluated things. He'd learned early on with Nate that approach was everything. "How about we talk about your partner for a while instead."

"What do you want to know about him?" Nate questioned as he reminded himself of why he was there.
He needed the endless vent, to know that he wouldn't be judged, to know that this doc didn't know Eliot personally and wouldn't be playing sides. Most importantly though, he needed to know that he wouldn't be left alone with his troubles to bear.

"You tell me." For a long moment he waited, but when it became clear Nate was scripting something he decided to ask, "How does he feel about you?"

Nate nearly sighed as he offered what Murdock was clearly fishing for. "He loves me, I guess."

"But you don't know for sure? Something's causing you to doubt it?"

"I... I don't doubt it." Nate denied, though he soon admitted, "I just sometimes question it."

"And why is that?"

"Because of..." Nate couldn't help it as his knee began to bounce; this feeling of raw honesty made him anxious. "How easily he doubts me."

"Have you given him reason to doubt you Nate?"

He wasn't sure how his gaze had gotten on his feet but Nate didn't bother lifting it, "Yeah."

"Why?" He knew from years of professional experience that, Why? was usually the most helpful question when it came to getting him sincerely honest answers.

Still he couldn't bother to lift his head. It deserved to be hung in a coward's shame. "Because it's easier that way."

"Easier than what Nate?" Murdock leaned forward as he tried to make eye contact. "Easier than admitting to your faults, to your fears, to the fact that you're just a man. Is it easier than admitting that you have needs and feelings too? What is it easier than Nate?"

"It's easier than admitting that I need him." He nearly whispered as he lifted his gaze. "I need him, yet he doesn't need me."

"Still, he clearly cares for you Nate." Sometimes he found it hard to untangle the knots his patients tied their thoughts into. "No he doesn't need you, but still he stays." Hopefully he could stress these words properly. "Think about that a minute. He'll be alright without you. You're not vital to him the way you say he is to you yet he doesn't leave! He stays, but still you chance things." He hoped he'd said enough to open Nate's eyes. "Just think about that for awhile."

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"Now what I want you to do," She paused as she reached into her desk's drawer. "Is write down everything you eat no matter how insignificant you think it may be." He couldn't help but glare at the small blue notebook that was passed over to him. "And in one weeks time I expect you and that journal back here."

"Yes Ma'am" He nodded as he resisted the urge to jump from his seat.

"And remember Spencer," The warning in her voice amused him slightly. "Honesty is the best policy."

"Got it." Eliot assured as he stood. "No cheating allowed; no problem." With a fresh smirk he was walking out the door. "How'd it go?" He heard Nate before he saw him. "She assigned ya homework Nate." Eliot passed over the book eagerly.

"Oh really?" Nate flipped through the pages suspiciously as they started down the hall.

"Yup, apparently I can't be trusted to record my eating habits honestly." He shrugged mischievously.

"uh huh" Nate hummed sarcastically.

"Anyway," He wouldn't push his luck. "Did ya have a nice chat with your quack?"

Nate stopped at that tone. "Honestly Eliot?"

"What?" The defensiveness coming from Nate halted his foot steps.

"Are you seriously mocking me right now?"

"No!" He cringed at the defensiveness in his own voice. "Not about that Nate." And he was serious. "Look, I could have worded that better, but I swear I... I'm not mockin' you."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just..." Nate mentally cursed himself as he blew out a ragged breath. "Overreacting I guess."

"You gonna tell me why?" Eliot questioned as he pressed the elevator button, waiting none to patiently for its arrival.

"It's nothing." Nothing he'd share at least.

"You know I'll break his face for ya if he's talking shit he shouldn't be." Nate smirked slightly as Eliot swore, "I'm serious."

"Don't I know it." With the ding of the elevator Nate was first to enter.

"For real man," Eliot's brow was impossibly furrowed as he aggressively poked the LL button. "You do what you've got to, but don't go taking no shit from no one. He don't need to say it and you shouldn't have to hear it."

"I won't" Though it didn't stop him from playing annoyed, he appreciated knowing that Eliot had his back.

Eliot squeezed Nate's shoulder as he breathed, "Good" His current standing with the man uncertain.

Nate didn't let his disappointment show at the almost platonic touch (Eliot's pace he constantly reminded himself) as he asked, "Are you ready to go meet up with everyone?"

"Do I get a choice?" He'd prefer to go home but a certain few pesky people were waiting for him with lunch.

"No," Nate denied. "But I'll bargain with you." When he saw Eliot's interest peek he continued, "I'll let you drive on the way back." He could almost hear the sarcasm in Eliot's thoughts. "And" He'd squash it before it left Eliot's mouth. "No one's saying you've got to go home."

"You're gonna regret that." Eliot was quick to step out of the elevator; the cockiness of his smile laid on nearly as thick as his southern drawl.

"Oh, " Nate actually chuckled as he followed close behind. "Don't think I don't know it."

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"ELIOT!"

His arms were full of Sarah in a matter of seconds and it was only Nate's steadying hand that kept him on his feet. "Hey Sugar" He gripped her tightly knowing, not what she had gone through, but what she needed.

"God it's good to see you." She pulled back to get a better look.

"It's good to see you too." A bitter voice wanted to ask her why she hadn't sooner but he told it to shut up.

"How about we go and join the others." Nate suggested. People were staring and he was getting irritated.

"Hey man" Eliot greeted as he reached the table Ashlee and his brother were sitting at. He moved for a handshake but was startlingly pulled into another hug.

"I oughta kick your ass Eliot." Aaron swore as he clung to his brother's neck.

Eliot couldn't help but laugh as he pulled away, "Bring it boy."

"Hey now, we better be playing nice." Ashlee teased as she voiced her presence.

"Hey Ashlee" Eliot waved as he took a seat beside Aaron; Nate offering his own pleasantries as he claimed the chair next to Eliot's at their circular table.

"I hope you don't mind that we already put in our orders." Sarah apologized as a waitress brought two menus to the table.

"Not at all" Nate assured Sarah as he turned to Eliot and asked, "Are you going to order something?"

With a barely suppressed glare Eliot gave a brief glance to the menu before saying, "Probably a sandwich."
Nate nodded though he knew the only reason Eliot wanted a sandwich was so he could pick it apart and still have it look like he had eaten something.

"What can I start you two off with?" Nate had to turn in his seat to get a look at the voice behind him.

"Water" Eliot barely offered, more than distracted with the sight.

"And I'll take a cola and the turkey BLT plate: sandwich and fries separate." Nate ignored the odd gazes as he smiled at the woman scratching down his order.

"Anything else I can do for you?" Her smile was a little too bright to be unknowing.

"That'll be all for now. Thanks" Nate bid as she left. Sarah's, "Really Eliot!" drawing his attention back to the table.

"What?" Eliot could be heard questioning defensively. Aaron nearly choking on his snort as Sarah reprimanded, "Do you think you could have stared any harder at her ass?"

"Probably" Eliot admitted truthfully before turning his gaze to Nate.
For a long moment their eyes were locked, the question in Eliot's clear, before Nate broke it by admitting, "I may have been looking too."

Ashlee's laughter was echoed by Sarah's dramatic, "Oh my God" as Aaron announced that, "It's a guy thing" getting him a sharp whack from Ashlee.

"Seriously though," Eliot mock whispered as he leaned in close to Nate's ear. "We need to look into that." Nate just shrugged jokingly as he rolled his eyes. Whether he liked the idea or not he knew Eliot was only fronting, their relationship wasn't nearly secure enough for something like that.

"Ewww, Eliot!"

"Ewww Sarah" He teased. "Quit being an eavesdropper."

"Dude, you announced that to the entire table!"

"So what! She's hot and I'm-"

"Finish that sentence and I'll kick you right in 'em."

"Hey now," Aaron interrupted. "Lets keep this above the belt shall we." It wasn't so much that he cared what happened below Eliot's belt as it was Sarah's wandering foot coming a lot closer to him than to Eliot.

"Don't even worry about it Aaron," Eliot assured. "She wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I though." She stretched her words.

"Sarah" Aaron cautioned. "You better watch that foot if you want any nieces or nephews." He could feel it on his leg and he swore if he got kicked someone was getting killed.

She couldn't help but look at Eliot with the mentioning of children and she certainly couldn't help but notice that he hadn't noticed. Had Nate told him?

"Hey look," Nate saw the look on Sarah's face and he wanted to stop it before she could start. "Food's here." He ignored the looks he got as the waitress appeared and he helped to get plates arranged. "Just give a holler if you need me." The short brunette began walking away until Nate announced, "Actually" When her attention was back on him he furthered, "Our drinks are missing."

"I knew I forgot something." She snapped her fingers and with a swish of her ponytail was gone.

"Aren't you hungry Nate?" Ashlee questioned as she glanced at the food he had ordered. The same food that had been placed in front of Eliot.

"I'll steal his." He shrugged at the amusement around the table, taking note of the relieved look on Eliot's face as he took the plate of fries and dumped half of them on the plate in front of Eliot. Eliot returning the favor and passing the bigger half of the sandwich to Nate. "You're lucky I like you." Nate heard him grumble though he knew better. He could see the huge thank you sitting in Eliot's eyes.

"One cola and one water" Two glasses were set on the table. "Sorry about that."

"Not a problem Darlin'." Eliot smiled as he waved off her apology.

"Enjoy" She bid cheerfully as she left them to their meal.

"So" Nate cleared his throat to get, Eliot's, attention. "How's the wedding planning going Ashlee?"

"Great" She nodded as she glanced at Aaron. "We've got most everything picked out. Right now we're working on getting the wedding party to actually attend their fittings."

"Aaron" Sarah blurted.

"Hey" He defended. "I was working."

"The last three times." Ashlee clearly was annoyed with that.

"Well I'm not the only one." Aaron was quick to point the metaphorical finger to his right.

"Name the day brother." Eliot shrugged as Sarah chastised, "The only one without a viable medical excuse!"

"Exactly!" Ashlee furthered.

"Nate, help me with these odds man!" Aaron pleaded.

"Majority rules" Nate conceded as he took a sip of his cola.

"Thanks for that man, really." Aaron's sarcasm brought great enjoyment to the ladies.

"Sorry" Despite the word there wasn't even the slightest apology in his tone as he reached for the mustard.

"So Eliot"... Twenty minutes later and their meal was finished, well mostly finished for some, yet conversation was still going strong. "So I gave him an ultimatum. I'm not gonna risk ten men's safety because he thinks it might save him a grand or two in the long run."

"Some people are just like that." Nate heard Eliot offer, though he wasn't paying attention to much more than that. Instead he was focused on how concentrated Eliot seemed to be; like if he paid even the slightest bit less attention he wouldn't be able to keep up. "Tell me about it," Ashlee's voice met Nate's ears. "Sometimes it just amazes me how ridiculous people can get over such trivial things." He didn't like the way Eliot furrowed his brow as she spoke, as if all her words had been in riddle.

"You know what guys," Nate interrupted the conversation. As hard as Eliot was trying not to show it he could still see, Eliot was exhausted. He was drained yet still trying to hold on for all he was worth. As if letting go would somehow change the world as he knew it. "It's getting kind of late and I've got quite a bit of work waiting for me at home."

"Completely understandable man." Aaron assured as he pushed his chair back and stood. The others offering variations as Sarah said, "No problem Nate. Just make sure you don't get buried so deep that you forget about family."

"Oh, NOW he's family!" Aaron exaggerated as he shook Nate's hand and Sarah hugged Eliot; both Nate and Sarah making an off sound toward his remark.

"Well," Eliot looked to Nate before turning to his siblings. "Ya'll know where to find me, so don't be strangers and that includes you Ashlee. With all these ugly mugs around we need as many pretty faces as we can get."

She laughed at the compliment, and Aaron's remark toward it, as she swore, "Don't worry, I'll be around."

"Good to know" He turned to leave, Nate following after he offered a wave of departure. "So," He heard the change in Eliot's voice immediately. It had gone from strength and concentration to drained and completely void. "What's all this work you've got waiting for you?"

"I don't" Nate supplied honestly. "I just thought it was past time we get going."

"You do remember it was your idea coming here to begin with don't ya?" Eliot questioned as he pushed open the exit of the restaurant.

"Yes, I..." All his concerns wanted to rush out at once but he told them all to shut up as he offered up a little white lie. "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep too well last night." There was no reason to make Eliot feel mothered.

"Does that mean you want to go home?"

That question had him remembering his promise to Eliot. "What did you have in mind?" He didn't want to start an argument by voicing his worry but he really didn't like the idea of Eliot heading anywhere but home.

Eliot moved to the drivers door, outstretching an arm as he said, "Only one way to find out."

Despite the fact that every fiber of his being was suggesting otherwise he dropped the key in Eliot's palm with a simple, "Lets go"

E/N: Happy New Year everyone! And a new year brings a new start so I figured it's time we get these two pointing in that direction. I've got some big plans for this and I'm excited for your opinions on them lol Thanks to everyone in advance for your R and Rs