Rae couldn't understand what triggered it, what kicked off her thoughts but yet they were there. She had just finished dinner with Linda and Karim, they had sausage cassarole with tiger bread, conversation flowed nicely, laughter was shared along with a few glasses of mulled wine - something Linda had around Christmas and let Rae join in with as she was of age. Rae was happy, well, emphasise on was as she was currently lying in bed; tears down her face and her heart heavy within her chest.
It all starts with a thought... Then a thought turns into an action... And then followed by consequences. Well, if it's bad; that is. It's terrifying to think how one little thought can snowball into such a moutain of problems. That's how it started with Rae, a thought - well, a thought from something someone had told her. She remembers it, as clear as day. You wouldn't believe with how close Rae and Finn were and how long they'd known each other, that Finn used to be in the clique that bullied Rae and were the main source behind her breakdown.
Well, he didn't bully Rae but he didn't exactly stop it. Although they hung out together after school and they had knew each other since they were young, it didn't mean anything where the school's food chain was concerned. As it were written a few chapters earlier, Finn was a little shit in school, one of the lads and hung round in the "Top dog" Clique. Now, as the years grew on and the torments grew worse; she eventually had gotten used to it. Until that day, the day it began the downward spiral. Rae remembers the date, it was March 15th 1996 and it was the run up to her A-Levels - Leaving Rae stressed enough as it was, plus everything in between. Although Chloe was also a popular, she still hung round with Rae and the pair had just departed from the library after studying for their science exam that were to take place that following afternoon. Rae was not only the stressed one, Finn was a ball of anger, stress and arrogance; finding anything to take it all out on - his mum and dad's constant fighting, the fear of failing his GCSEs and not getting into college with everyone along with everything in between. It was just reaching to lunch, meaning the corridors were clear and Rae could walk without any worries... That is, until she heard, "Alright, Jabba?" She sighed, shutting her eyes before reopening them and continuing to walk. That is, until she felt an arm drape around her shoulder; she shuddered as she knew it belonged to the leader of the little group that always tormented her. He went by the name of Jason, grey eyes that were cold and held a constant glint of amusement and wickedness, buzzcut and stocky. He gave her a devilish grin before quipping, "Ain't seen y' all day, where y' been hiding? The kitchen?" Which earned a laugh from the little group, apart from Finn who just lagged behind; head down. Rae inwardly exhaled, trying not to bite back or burst into tears. Jason then scoffed a laugh, "This isn't like y', Rae. More quiet than usual", She then mumbled, "Please, just-" Jason cut her off by snapping in a mock tone, "Wha'?" He tossed a smirk to the gang, she then quivered, "Please, just leave me alone", Her voice wavered and it caused her stomach to twist, making her feel pathetic. Jason then burst out laughing, his grip tight on her shoulder, "'ear this lads!? Scrubber over 'ere wants us to leave 'er alone!" The lads joined in with the laughter but came to an abrupt halt as Finn piped up, "'ere c'mon, leave 'er now", They all paused and turned to Finn - Rae's face lit up at Finn's intervention. Jason frowned, "Wha'?" Finn glanced between everyone before landing his gaze back on Jason and continuing, "Just leave 'er, she's only a fat minger", He smirked wickedly, causing all of Rae's hopes to collapse. She grew pale and felt faint, her mind not quite connected with her body as the boys all shoved past her, snarking her and leaving her be. That's all it took. Those eight words were the blow that got her, knocking her down like a gust of wind blitzing down a house of cards. She knew Finn had a nasty streak and she knew he was going through a hard time, but she never thought he'd give such a nasty blow - the blow that caused her mental downfall. That, her GCSEs, her loneliness and her own thoughts piled up until it became so much that she crumbled, crumbled until she was nothing but a pile of dust. That following night Rae burnt herself in the shower for the first time, so bad that she scarred her back - this being one of the harmful techniques she used on herself in the future... Finn didn't apologise for what he said, instead he turned up on her doorstep that evening with tears down his face and fright in his eyes - it was the night his mum was rushed into hospital for the first time and Finn had only found out when he had gotten home from school. Finn's mum passed around a year or so ago, due to a brain hemmorage, the first time round was just a fit but the second time round; she didn't make it through. Finn never apologised for what he said to Rae, he still hadn't to this day.
It was around three AM when Rae trailed downstairs for a cup of tea, she flicked the kettle on and grew lost in thought once more. She couldn't help but wonder what Finn was doing right now... Probably with Chloe. Rae had to admit, she felt jealous. Jealous. Jealous. And more jealous - just like when Finn and Chloe had first started seeing each other. Now, before Chloe announced her and Finn in the cafe over two years ago; Rae discovered that Chloe and Finn had secretly been shagging for over a year - something that shocked everybody as Chloe and Finn always appeared as if they hated each other.
"Penny for y' thoughts?" Spoke Linda as she made two teas, Rae jumped slightly; so lost in thought she hadn't heard Linda come down. Rae exhaled as she spoke, "I'm fed up", "Of?" Linda asked as she squished a tea bag against the rim of the mug before chucking it into the bin and attending to the other tea, Rae shook her head before shrugging, "Everythin'", Linda chucked the other tea bag in the bin and poured a drop of milk in each mug before stirring them and asking, "Care t' share?" Rae thought about it for a moment before continuing, "I just... Basically a friend of mine-" "Do I know this friend?" Linda asked, cutting Rae off as she handed over a mug of tea to Rae. Rae took the mug before huffing, "Beside the point", "Sorry, carry on", Linda quipped before swigging her tea. Rae then continued, "My friend fancies her best friend's boyfriend and like the boy and my friend have been like mates well before her mate and the boy got together and well like they're sleepin' together in secret and like she just doesn't know wha' t' do and she knows it's wrong but her other friend treats 'er like shit all the time and she just doesn't know what to do".
Linda thought it over, letting the information sink in and taking another sip of tea. A long pause passed before Linda then spoke, "Well, 'ow long 'ave y' mate's boyfriend and 'er mate been together", Rae shrugged, "'Bout two years", "An' d' they love each other?" Rae nodded, blowing her tea before taking a sip. Linda thought it over before asking, "An' does y' friend, y'know, love the boy?" Rae sighed, "Tha's the thing, she doesn't know. They've been best friends since they were kids and she's scared in case he doesn't love 'er back", "Does he fancy or love y' mate?" "I know he fancies 'er as he got with her mate just t' make 'er jealous as he told 'er" Linda nodded slowly, "Right, ok", She sighed as she set her mug of tea down on the kitchen unit before turning back to Rae, folding her arms and leaning back against the counter, "Now, y' need t' listen t' me Rae and y' t' listen t' me carefully y' friend is walkin' on a very fine line 'ere an' although it may seem fun and games now someone will get 'urt and trust me, it's not worth losing both of 'er friends over", Rae then stared ahead, thinking aloud, "But wha' if she does love 'im and he loves 'er? Like, wha' if they're so perfect for each other and should be together?" Linda thought about it before looking at Rae and Rae looked at her as Linda asked, "If tha's so then why are y' still 'ere?"
A poem Rae once wrote in a therapy session in the hospital sprang to mind as she returned to bed that night;
I am probably the most messed up girl you will ever meet.
If you call me beautiful,
I will refuse to believe you;
unless you give me good reason otherwise.
If you call me ugly, it will imprint on my skin
and I will never forget it for as long as I live.
If you try to help me I will push you away,
maybe even cry until you give up on me
and the moment you give up on me I will give you a hard time about it;
until you regret knowing me.
But I promise if you stay,
if you fall deeply in love with me; I will love you
eternally.