I'm drowning.
It seems like I go through so much trouble to lock up my emotions every day. In the end, they all come crashing down on me in the midst of the night and I simply cannot escape them. It's like drowning. It's like I keep resurfacing from the water, starving for air, when the tide gathers again and drowns out the sky. But I'm not even struggling for a good cause. Only my life.
Watching Forks move alongside Charlie's cruiser window that first day, I was drowning. And it wasn't nighttime.
"...about Renee's suicide, but I want you to know I'm here..."
The greenness was overwhelming. A family of mossy trees angled themselves toward the highway like beggars reaching out to passersby. Suddenly, I was reminded of the busiest streets in Arizona, the ones where homeless people hung around. At least these trees have a home, I thought. I realized the double meaning at once.
"...what Phil says, so we'll be eating together, three meals a day..."
I was so terrified by the tears forming in my eyes. They had no right to be here right now. I noticed then that I was unconsciously gripping the fabric of my jeans in my hands like a lifeline. I dug my nails deeper through the shield of material, craving something I could only cure when I was alone again. The gashes left in my skin from the night before suddenly felt mild. I needed more; deeper, stronger...
"Bella?"
I unwillingly met his searching eyes. He sighed heavily and broke away, looking ahead at the road like that was the stupid, unresponsive teenager he had to deal with now.
"Nevermind, then," he mumbled.
If I was this bad already, I had to wonder what it would be like at Forks High.
How long could I hold my breath?