Soundtrack: Lucky - Bif Naked
It was a monday, when my lover told me,
"never pay the reaper with love only."
What could i say to you, except, "i love you."
And "i'd give my life for yours."
I know we are... we are the lucky ones.
"This is stupid!" Shepard was pacing, her fists balling.
James blew dust from the trigger-mechanism of one of the heavy guns and shrugged. "Men do stupid things to win beautiful women."
She glared at him. "That doesn't make it less stupid. Besides, I'm not some toy for them to fight over."
"Then maybe you need to make a choice." He looked up at her, taking in the tension visible in her stance, the expression on her face. She looked at him like he had grown a third head. "Aw come on, Lola, you know you have to pick one. You might be able to talk Kaidan into a human-turian threesome but I don't think Garrus will be game. He's a strictly one on one kind of guy."
Shepard's eyebrows rose a notch. She wasn't sure if she could trust her ears. "Wait, what?"
James grinned. "Oh yeah, Kaidan's not as vanilla as you might think. I could tell you things that would make even you blush."
She held up a hand. "Please don't."
He chuckled, putting the gun down. "Just choose the one you love the most or..." His voice trailed off when he saw the distress darken her features. "What is it?" He rose and came over to where she was standing. "Talk to me, Lola. What's wrong?"
But she didn't answer. James could see how she closed down, how the anxiety in her eyes was replaced by an emotionless mask. She turned away from him, heading for the exit. "I'm stopping this."
Kaidan wiped away the blood running from a cut on his forehead before it could reach his eyes and cloud his vision. He gritted his teeth and launched himself at the turian, causing them both to topple over. He pinned Garrus down with his entire body.
The turian stared up at him, dark blue blood trickled from his nostrils. They were both breathing heavily. Kaidan's fist crunched against Garrus' mandibles and jaws. "I am not weak!" He spat out the words.
"Enough!"
The two males craned their necks, looking up to see Shepard coming towards them in long strides. James came jogging after her. He put a hand on her shoulder to hold her back put she shook it off and continued towards the combatants. Her stern gaze warned them from challenging her. "Get up, both of you!"
Kaidan rolled off Garrus, sucking air into his lunges. He climbed to his feet as the turian did the same.
"What the hell are you two doing?!" Shepard all but shouted. "You are both behaving like idiots!" Her dark gaze bore into them both before she turned to James who was standing a step behind her. "Take Kaidan back to the camp."
"Shepard-" Kaidan started, but wisely shut up when she gave him a look full of anger.
James automatically snapped a salute. "Yes, ma'am." He put a hand on Kaidan's back, giving the reluctant man a gentle nudge. "Come on, major."
Shepard waited until James and Kaidan had disappeared into the shadows before she turned her attention back to Garrus. "Why did you do this?"
"I had to know."
"Know what?" Shepard demanded.
Garrus lowered his chin slightly, the tilt of his head softening his features. "Shepard..." His multifaceted voice was gentle.
"Know what?!" She repeated, the tone in her voice hard.
He didn't answer. Instead he took a couple of steps, putting some distance between himself and her. He looked out into the dark jungle were wisps of mist still coiled around the trees and around the statues that lined the ancient avenue.
"Kaidan loves you", he finally said.
"That's the reason you did this?" Shepard asked furious. "You wanted to find out if Kaidan loves me or not?"
Garrus whirled around. "I did it because you need someone by your side, Shepard. No matter what you think, it doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. Do you understand? Love will help you through even the darkest moments, if you accept it. I know you have feelings for Kaidan. He's a good man, Shepard. He'll be there for you."
His words stunned her. She stared at him. Her stomach twisted into a knot. Had she lost Garrus without even knowing it. "Is it because of what happened to me?" She finally asked, hating how feeble her voice sounded, how it trembled.
"What?" His brow plates moved in a frown.
Shepard took a deep breath and forced herself to continue, to ask the question that made her heart feel like lead, so sure she knew the answer. "Are you leaving me...?"
"Leaving you?" He didn't seem to comprehend what she was asking. Then realisation dawned on him. "You think I don't want you because of what was done to you? Oh, Shepard..." The implications of what she was saying made his heart ache.
Not knowing what else to do, Garrus put his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace. He leaned his face against her hair, savouring its silken texture and how it felt against his tough skin. He ran his calloused palm in soothing circles between her shoulder blades. Shepard allowed him to hold her. Her body was tense at first, her breath hitching in her throat. But little by little his gentle administrations made her relax until she melted into his embrace.
"I'm not leaving you." His dual-toned voice rumbled in her hear. "No matter what happens or who you choose to be with. You're my best friend, Shepard. Hell, you're my only friend and I can't imagine life without you. But I need to know where I stand. I think I deserve that much at least."
Shepard looked up at him. "You want me to choose between you and Kaidan." It wasn't a question but a statement.
"I understand if you don't want to deal with this now", Garrus said. "But we need to at least talk about it."
Shepard nodded. She took a step back, leaving his arms, and sat down on one of the overturned columns. Garrus took a seat next to her, his elbows resting on his thighs, hands clasped between his knees.
Shepard pulled up her legs under her. She turned slightly so she could study his profile. In the bleak light of the full moon his blue colony markings looked black. Others might find him strange-looking, too alien, but to her he was handsome, beautiful even. She took a deep breath to calm the butterflies that anxiously fluttered in her gut. "I can't pretend I don't have feelings for Kaidan", she said. "There will always be 'what if's' between him and me."
"I know", Garrus said, staring at the patch of ground between his boots. "And I understand if you choose to take the second chance you've been given with him." He raised his head slightly to meet her gaze, hoping she wouldn't see how his heart broke at the thought of losing her. But he couldn't keep his distress out of his voice and the dual-tones thrilled disharmoniously when he continued. "Kaidan is a good man", he repeated. "He'll stand by you, Shepard. We both know that the war against the Reapers will become even uglier, the decisions you have to make will be harder and the consequences unthinkable. You need someone to be there for you. Kaidan is strong, he's willing to do anything for you." His mandibles moved in a small grin, giving her the glimpse of the cocky arrogance he showed on the battlefield. "Even go hand to hand with me."
Shepard rolled her eyes at that. "Men..." Despite the emotional gravity of the situation the corners of her lips quirked upward. "From where I was standing it looked like Kaidan was the one with the upper hand."
"I was holding back", Garrus said. "I didn't want to hurt him for real, just see how far he was willing to go for you. I'm not about to step aside for someone who doesn't deserve you."
She shook her head at that. "That is just so stupid, Garrus. Didn't it occur to you that I might want to decide this for myself?"
The look in his eyes were intense, filled with emotions. "Then decide. Choose me or choose Kaidan, but don't even think about carrying on like you have been, shutting everyone out, pushing us away. And I'm not talking about what you've been forced to deal with here on Pragia",he said, interrupting her before she could even start denying what he knew, what they both knew, was true. He took her hand, closing his talons around her smaller, multiple digits. "Talk to me, Shepard. Tell me what's going on in that human brain of yours."
She looked away, avoiding his gaze, her hair falling forward to shield her face from him. "I can't..." She tried to tug her hand free but he didn't let go.
"Tell me", he urged. He hardened his grip on her when she tried to pull away again. "I can deal with it what ever it is. Just... just talk to me."
She shook her head. "No." Her voice was frail.
But he wasn't about to let her retreat behind the mask of the calm, untouchable Commander. "Tell me what's going on!" His harsh voice made her flinch.
"I can't!" Her voice rose and tears burned behind her eyelids. "I can't tell you! I can't..." She almost doubled over, curling in on herself. "I can't..." She was crying in earnest now, tears streaming down her face. "I can't do this..." She forced herself to look up, to meet his shadowed eyes. The doubts and fears she had struggled with since the Reapers' devastating attack on Earth welled up within her and burst through the walls she had constructed around herself. "We're not going to win this." The words came before she could stop them. "The Reapers are going to destroy everything, kill everyone, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The things we do, the missions, searching for the Catalyst... it is just feeble attempts to postpone the inevitable. We have no future, Garrus." The certainty with which she spoke, the hopelessness he could hear in her voice and see in her eyes, shocked him.
Shepard had faced unbeatable odds and come out the winner. Even during the hellish voyage through the Omega 4 relay, and the assault on the Collectors' base where they had lost Tali and Jacob, she had persevered. She had led them through a nightmare and given them hope.
They had all turned to her for guidance, for strength. And Garrus realised just how lonely Shepard was, how hard she had struggled to hide her doubts from them and be the leader they needed.
The kidnapping and the torture had made the walls she hid behind crumble and shattered them. Gone was the legendary Commander, the hero of the Citadel, humanity's greatest hope. All that was left was the girl who had survived her family's brutal murder, the soldier who had given everything to keep those under her command safe and failed.
Shepard's soul lay naked before him, unbearably vulnerable. She couldn't hide the wounds and scars that more than matched the ones he himself had. She was a young woman looking at the future that contained nothing but death.
And he loved all these broken nuances of her with an intensity that was painful.
Well... this chapter didn't turn out like I thought it would. It took a completely different path and just ran away from me. I hope you enjoyed it though.
I guess I have to have James sort Kaidan out in the next chapter then... Clean the cut on his forehead, tend to his bruises and give him some much needed relief... Or well... you know... *blushes* I think my poor brain is overheated and needs to take a cold shower...