Rae had always wondered what it was like to a bird... She always wondered what it was like to just wake up of a morning, pack up your shit and leave - not saying goodbye to even your closest. But also Rae wondered why birds stayed in the same place, then she often found herself asking herself that very same question; she had the ability, so why didn't she just go?
Fear? Worry? Anxiety?
Try all of the above. Life is a funny thing, as is your mind. It's humorous the way one little thing, even if it's the tiniest thing, can just make you see a whole different out look on life. As much as the idea of traveling was always a temptation to Rae, she knew she'd be a homebird. The furthest Rae had stayed from home, was her and Al's as she couldn't find herself living anywhere else - she had everything she needed, so, why move out of Stamford? It was a rarity that Rae was round at Linda's, so time at home was precious as a home wasn't just a place made of bricks but memories and security - hence the saying 'Home is where the heart is'.
Rae loved how at home she could cry as much as she wanted, be as quiet as she wanted... Let her sadness keep her company. As much as Rae wanted to enjoy her time with Tash, Izzy, Al and Archie; Rae couldn't help but ache for home - home where her inner darkness called for her. Archie, Izzy and Tash made themselves comfortable, until half six when it grew dark and they decided they were stuffed from Al's lasgne and all talked out. It reached to about seven when Rae and Al decided to get a move on with clearing the dishes and such, it was quiet but they didn't mind. Well, quiet until Al ask as he dried and put the dishes away whilst Rae scrubbed, "Y've been quiet tonight, y' feelin' alright?" She nodded but a word didn't leave her lips, her mind too focused on the food she ate and the way the burning from the soapy water washed over her skin and gave her that satisfaction she ever so craved.
The more she scrubbed, the more she grew tired - even washing the dishes becoming such a tiring task. Rae jumped slightly when she felt Al's arms slip around her stomach and his chin rest upon her shoulder, he then watched her as she took no notice and continued with her chore. A moment or two past before he asked, "Rae, talk t' me", A moment passed before Rae then dropped the dishcloth and scrubber before she began to crumble and cry. Alarmed, Al frowned and moved from behind her - sliding himself in between her and the sink. He placed his hands on either side of her face and tried to latch his eyes onto her as she refused to make eye contact, "Rae?" He timidly asked, in which she sniffed before she looked at him; fright in her eyes, "Why is... Wha's 'appenin' t' me?" His stomach dropped at her tone, her tone and tears resemembling something similar to a child. He then asked as he wiped her tears away with his thumbs, "Is it the voices again?" In which all she could do was nod before another sob left her lips, in which Al took no hesitation into pulling her into his arms and rocking her gently side to side as her arms slid around his waist and clutch his T-shirt as the more she sobbed.
Al remembered from when he and Linda first had a talk over scenarios, such as this and what to do; the first thing Linda recommended was a cuddle, the next was a bubble bath - which Al took no time into running for Rae. He made sure it was the temperature she liked and even put in a bath bomb for her he bought two weeks ago. Once she was in, he took place on the toilet seat and watched as she brought her knees to her chest and stare blankly - hollowness and exhaustion within her eyes. He lifted the shower head off the stand, switched it on and waited for the water to become warm. Once satisfied with the warmth, he began on her hair - being gentle as he could. Rae didn't move, didn't flinch and said nothing.
Al gave her hair a good scrub with as much care as his hands could manage, before he shut the shower off and she began to cry - once more. She thought everything over, the way the food curdled in her stomach, tormenting her. The voices in her mind screeched and threw tantrums the more she tried to ignore them, her shoulders heavy and her mind was beginning to kick into overdrive as she thought everything over, she was a waste of space, a pig, a no good slut, a liar and a cheat. She then sniffed, "I-I don't get it, I don't get why am so sad..." She then looked up at Al as her eyes flickered before she turned her gaze back to it's original spot as she continued, "All of the time... Wha's 'appenin' t' me, Al? I don't even know who I am anymore", Al said nothing, his look spoke everything he needed to say - enough to make Rae realise that although Finn promised her the world and everything in between, it was Al that truly loved her. She tried to convince herself that her mind was just being silly and Finn treated her like a princess, Finn was the one who cared for her - not Al. But then if that was the case;
Then why was Al the one who was here and Finn was God knows where?
After Rae's bath, she headed straight to bed as where Al didn't feel tired - so he left her be and ventured to the living room. Al took no time into building a rollie and flicking on the telly, watching whatever mind-numbing bollocks that was on the box. Once his rollie was built and lit, he sunk back into the couch and felt at the peace - the low maroon glow coming from his Christmas lights a big help. Rae's confession before crossed Al's mind and worry nestled into his brain, before he began to give himself a confidence boost - she'll sleep, see Brian, she'll be fine... She'll be fine.
Al just couldn't help but wonder whether he meant it or whether he was just trying to reassure himself and the invisible elephant within the room.
Rae slept for a good twelve hours, waking when it was just past three in the following afternoon. She woke dazed and alone, she looked to the empty bedspace beside her to see a poorly written note on the empty pillow. She picked it up and sat up, rubbing her eyes with her free hand - trying to clear her blurred and sleepy vision. It spoke of Al had to leave as his boss had rung, meaning he'd be back tomorrow. Rae knew what Al did was wrong, but as long as Al didn't get hurt, they had a roof over their heads and money in the bank - Rae was willing to turn a blind eye.
She checked her Swatch to see it was not long gone half three, meaning she hadn't completely slept the day away and she could still do her rounds of seeing everybody - not that she wanted to. She climbed out of bed, not looking up as she scurried past the body length mirror; that stood dauntingly on the left of their wardobe. She frowned as she could hear the TV on within the living room, how many times did she have to tell Al not to le-
"'Ello?" She spoke with a harder frown and a hint of confusion as she eyed the Finn, Izzy and Chop who sat on the couch and armchair, chewing on pizza and watching 'Guys and Dolls' Aka one of Finn's favourite films ever to exist. The three turned to her, she earned a smile from Izzy and a "Y'alright, Raemundo?" From Chop. But silence and a blank expression from Finn. Rae then asked, "'ow long y's been 'ere?" Chop and Finn shared a shrug before turning back to Rae, which Chop answered, "Dunno, 'bout an hour. Al asked us t' come round 'cause y've not been feelin' well again", She folded her arms, growing hostile; she didn't need everyone babying her every five minutes - she was fine on her own. She then sighed, "Fair enough", She then caught Finn's eye, which he quickly cut off the eye contact and his hands became a sudden interest.
She then turned to Chop, suddenly turning on her 'Rae persona', "Right, considerin' y' lazy bastards are gonna be annoyin' me for the next few hours, would y' like a cuppa?" In which both boys said no and Izzy said yes, Rae then turned and left for the kitchen; a sugary and milky tea flashed in her mind and danced faintly upon her tastebuds.
Rae entered the kitchen and saw the kettle was half-filled; enough to make her own cuppa. She flicked it on and then turned to the kitchen window, the view overlooked the town; which was currently covered in a blanket of blinding white snow - She wondered whether Finn had already saw it and whether he felt regret that he left his camera at home. It was coming up to that time of day what photographers called 'The magic hour' As whenever it was sun rise or sun set, it always gave off the golden glow that washed over wherever you lived, the reason what made you grateful and appreciate everything - even only for a moment and in that moment, your breath would catch in the back of your throat and it would bring you to a stand still.
"Rae?" Spoke Finn softly from the kitchen doorway, she turned and felt all self-power drain - the familiar urge to run into his arms there in full force. He then asked with a scoff, "Wha's goin' on?" But it wasn't a spiteful scoff, more of a scoff of disbelief and exhaustion - as if he'd spent nights upon nights awake, thinking it over and over. She then folded her arms, again; which gave Finn an odd feeling - unsure of what it was but it settled unpleasantly within his stomach. He gave that same look of vulnerability she felt she wore every time they had sex, whenever she gave herself to him - but his was more in a frightened way than lust. Her mouth opened as she tried to find the words before huffing, "Wha' are we even doin', Finn? Seriously? Who are we kiddin', we can't do this. We can't... Y've got Chloe, I-" He then cut her off, "Don't, Rae, don't start. Look, it's started now and we can't change tha'", "Yeh but y' said if I wanted t' I could pull out and put a stop to it!" She snapped, her brow knitting together. The pair spoke in low tones, paranoid of speaking too loud and alerting the couple on the other side of the door. Finn threw his hands up, "So, tha's it? It's over?" "I never said tha'", He then spat, a little too loudly, "Then wha' d'y' want!?" She sharply looked at the door before back at Finn, "Keep it down, fuckin' 'ell", He then huffed, "So, c'mon, wha' d'y' want?" She shuffled her feet awkwardly as she looked down, unable to find the words, "I... I dunno, Finn".
He chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to read her expression but he came back clueless. Finn then moved over to her and placed his hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him; but she couldn't and kept her eye contact downwards. He then softly demanded, "Rae... Rae, look at me", Her eyes then shot up from the floor and into his eyes, she was gone - hook, line and sinker. He then pressed, almost as if he were begging, "Look, don't... Don't end it 'ere, it's just... Y' not well at the minute and y' not thinkin' straight, jus-" "It's not tha', Finn, I'm ill 'cause I feel so fuckin' awful and cheap an-an' dirty", Her words wounded Finn, he then inwardly sighed before he then begged once more, "Don't... Look, let's just try it a bit longer and if y' really wanna end it then we can but don't do it... Not now", She then nodded, looking down to the floor. He then asked, "Alright?" She nodded, he then lifted her chin with his index finger; making sure she meant it, "Yeah?" She nodded, giving him a tight-lip smile.
A smile then broke out upon his lips, he'd gotten his own way. He then couldn't help but kiss her, her lips far too tempting to ignore - but when she kissed him, it wasn't as fulfiling as usual. It didn't make her feel as happy as usual. It tasted stale and felt forced. She couldn't help but feel completely manipulated, but she ignored it; she had to - she had no right to complain. He then pulled away and jokingly quipped, "Kettle's boiled", Before turning and leaving without another word - a completely different person compared to the quivering mess he was just five minutes ago.
As Al wasn't going to be home till tomorrow evening, Finn stayed over and whilst he slept peacefully; Rae was unable to drift off. She turned her gaze from her bedroom window and turned to Finn beside her, he slept upon his stomach with an arm draped over Rae and his face turned towards her. The outline of his features faintly apparent against the darkness; his eyelids flickering underneath the moonlight that poured through the window as he dreamt. They didn't have sex that night, just laid in bed - until Finn drifted off into an easy sleep. Although he'd never admit it, he always slept easier when he was with Rae - always felt safer. It was different than with Chloe, with Chloe he never felt completely contempt - only ever sleeping four or so hours - but with Rae, he could sleep the day away and wake up happy. That's why he held onto her, why he wanted to continue it - he needed her. He needed her beside him, feeling her skin underneath his finger tips. But he didn't want to show how much he needed her, which is why he was so pushy but cocky before - covering for the fact he felt just as cheap and dirty as her, as well as just as terrified as her.
But Rae couldn't know that.
Rae thought he just wanted sex, wanted to manipulate her - just so he could get his fix. Rae could feel Finn's finger plucking on that string that kept her together, the one that stopped her from completely unraveling. It may have only been a fortnight, but it was enough - enough for realise that Rae wanted Finn... The realisation that she had been kidding herself far too long setting in.
It was Finn, it had always been Finn.