Rick guided her into an empty alley between a dry cleaning place and an Indian restaurant and held her by the shoulders as she tried to breathe.
She had been fine, everything had been fine, and then it suddenly wasn't. The longer they walked, the more breathless she had begun to feel, the more suffocated, like there was a knot forming in the middle of her sternum taking up all the space, all the air, until she couldn't ignore it. And there were people after her, hunting her, wanted her dead, and just - people everywhere and why was her body turning on her yet again?
Fuck, Campbell had warned her, he had known-
Her vision started to slant, but Rick was there, keeping her upright, breaking through the haze with his voice.
"You're okay, Kate. Just stay with me, concentrate on my voice-"
"What's wrong with me?" she gasped, the knot of panic slowly beginning to unwind in her chest as he rubbed his thumbs in soothing circles over her triceps.
"Nothing, nothing's wrong with you, you've just…you've been in a form of isolation for a while now. Throwing you out into a crowded sidewalk probably wasn't a great idea for your first day out," he sighed, but she gripped the lapels of his coat.
"Don't take me back, I can get better, just don't-"
"Kate," he quieted her, stroking a hand through her hair and cradling her skull. "I'm not taking you back, we're going to get a cab and go to my place. We'll work on easing you back into society over the week. You'll be fine."
Easing her back into society? Like she was some kind of antisocial outcast? Wonderful.
She turned her head from him, didn't realize her composure was crumbling for an entirely different reason until he was brushing a thumb under her eye to catch the moisture gathering there before it fell.
"I thought the hardest part was over," she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest tightly to keep the receding remnants of her panic attack from returning.
Rick dropped his forehead to hers, resting there like he knew the action calmed her, which he probably did. He knew too much, this stupid, beautiful man who she was letting take care of her when she was supposed to be taking care of herself.
"You woke up from a two year coma, you got your body functioning normally in less than a month, and now you've been discharged from the hospital. You've accomplished an extraordinary amount, Kate, this is just another hurdle."
She sucked in another breath and dislodged her forehead from his, hid her face in the cove of his neck instead. She was tired of jumping hurdles; she just wanted to reach the finish line.
Rick kept his gaze over his shoulder on her huddled form still leaning against the alley wall while he hailed a cab. When one finally stopped for him, Kate was already at his side again, ready to climb in. She was quiet on the way to his loft, a heavy cloud of shame hanging over her, but he was eventually able to coerce a smile from her, an involuntary chuckle or a roll of her eyes, as he chatted through the brief drive, pointing out landmarks through the taxi window as if he were a tour guide. By the time they reached his loft, she was much more relaxed aside from the strict line of tension down her spine that he could feel when he placed his hand to her lower back.
The strain in her muscles slowly began to loosen while he guided her past the sidewalk and into the building's entrance, and he noticed her eyes examining the interior of the spacious and elegantly styled lobby. She kept her expression neutral, of course, made no indication that she was at all impressed, and it only made him like her more. Most women tended to marvel over his obvious wealth when he brought them to his home. Kate was different, in many ways, but overall, she was real. She had no superficial intentions, was only staying with him because he was the closest thing to a friend she had at the moment.
He greeted Eduardo the doorman before ushering Kate to the elevator, and she had recovered enough on the ride over to smile charmingly at the man, offer her hand and a pleasant "nice to meet you". When they continued on towards the lift, she surprised Rick by catching his fingers, nonchalantly allowing their palms to kiss and their fingers to twine, and holding on throughout the entire three floor ride up.
He unlocked and opened his front door with a flourish, releasing her hand to sweep his arm in a dramatic gesture at the entrance before she could go inside. She rolled her eyes but stepped past him, her jaw dropping ever so slightly as she took in the sight of the place, but she hid the awe well.
"Wow, Rick. You rich or something?"
She shot him a grin over her shoulder and he shrugged while he closed the door behind them.
"Well, I'm not James Patterson rich, but I do okay."
"Hmm, so I can cross him off my list then," she commented thoughtfully.
"Still trying to figure out my secret identity I see."
"You're a well-known mystery writer, there are many of you, but I will narrow it down," she told him confidently, but Rick only smirked back at her, captured her hand in his once more and began leading her away from the front door and deeper into his loft.
"We'll see, but before you start your detecting, let's get a tour of your temporary haven out of the way."
She rolled her eyes again, but trailed after him, allowing their hands to remain loosely laced as they stepped into his office.
"This where the magic happens?" she asked, her eyes shining as they roved over the walls of books.
"Most of the time," he replied, watching as she broke away from him and drifted towards one of the bookshelves, tracing spines of novels with delicate fingers and studying the framed art on the wall.
"I was only able to fit about half as many in my apartment," she mumbled, referring to the sheer amount of books, but absentmindedly tapping an older Richard Castle novel with her index finger and he quickly attempted to draw her away from the unintentional clue with small talk.
"Your dad told me he saved all your books, said they're still at the storage center if you ever want to go get them."
"Maybe when I find somewhere more permanent to keep them," she murmured, coming back to his side and glancing to him expectantly when he failed to continue the tour, too hung up on the fact that she would be leaving soon.
He couldn't let himself get used to this.
"Where to next?"
"Ah. Your temporary room," Rick stepped over to the side of the office and pushed open the door that led into what was clearly his bedroom.
Kate paused and turned to him with what was clearly apprehension written in her eyes and along the nervous line of her mouth.
"Rick, I know we sometimes stayed together in the hospital, but-"
He cut her off with a laugh. "No, we're not sharing my room. I'm going to let you crash here, while I take the guest room upstairs."
Her eyebrows knit together and her mouth fell into that adorable frown of confusion. "Why?"
"I know you're stronger now, Kate, but I don't want you having to climb a flight of stairs multiple times a day just to get to and from your room."
"But I'm not going to kick you out of yours," she began adamantly, moving forward to grab the duffle her dad had dropped off from the floor it had been residing on. "I'm already imposing enough as it is."
"You're not imposing, Beckett. You know that," he insisted as he stole her duffle bag back from her fingers and dropped it at the foot of his bed. "This just makes things easier. And I promise, everything's been washed and cleaned. I've got some equipment installed in the bathroom so-"
"Equipment?"
"Just a shower chair," he promised, doing his best to placate her need for as little assistance as possible in this last stretch on her road to normalcy. "Unless you'd rather I help you shower."
She glared at him for the purposeful leering he added to the comment and turned on her heel.
"C'mon, show me the rest of this place."
Rick breathed a silent sigh of relief and followed Kate as she strode through the office and back into the living area. He took her through the first floor easily, showing her where everything was, opening every cabinet and drawer in the kitchen, just so he knew she was aware of where she could find anything she may need, and then he guided her up the stairs.
"There isn't much up here aside from the guest room," he said noncommittally, hoping she wouldn't inquire about the other bedroom on the second floor, but her gaze traveled down the hall and she wordlessly asked the question with her eyes. "Alexis." was all he said. "It's empty."
Rick turned to head back down the stairs, but Kate snagged his arm before he could escape. It was apparent she hadn't thought the move through, uncertainty clouding her irises, turning them an unreadable shade of amber, but then she was stepping into him, snaking her arms around his torso and holding him tightly. He felt uncertain too, not used to the blatant moves of affection, especially outside of the hospital, but his arms came around her before she could let go, held onto her body just as tightly as she held to him.
Kate stood awkwardly at the side of his bed later that night, biting her lip and gripping at the towel wrapped around her body. She had showered in his bathroom, surrounded by his scent as she washed her hair and scrubbed away the clinging odor of the hospital from her skin with his soap. Now she should be preparing for bed, but she was considering marching back out there and demanding he give her the upstairs bedroom.
She growled to herself. This was stupid, she was being stupid. Rick was doing his best to make her stay in his home as trouble-free as possible, and here she was, panicking over sleeping in his bedroom.
Kate dropped the towel and reached into the duffel bag, found an oversized t-shirt and some underwear, but when she slipped the shirt on, she was assaulted with the stench of mothballs. She coughed and stripped it back off, tossed it into the hamper near the door. She would need to have a lot of her clothing dry-cleaned to rid them of the musty smell, or at least allow them some time to air out before she could wear them again.
She was contemplating sleeping naked, but her gaze drifted to his dresser. It was just clothing, she told herself as she slowly pulled one of the drawers open and found the most helpful solution to her current problem.
"Rick?" she called hesitantly a few minutes later.
He appeared all too quickly, knocking on the door before barging in - the doctor in him expecting the worst she was sure - but he paused at the sight of her dressed in his clothing.
"Is this okay?"
"Yes," he nodded, eyes doing only a brief assessment of her in his faded green superhero t-shirt and grey sweatpants that she had rolled up multiple times around her hips. "Totally okay. Did something happen to your clothes?"
"Not necessarily. They've just been packed up for so long…"
"Ah." He nodded his understanding. "Well, I have a washer and dryer. Otherwise, you can let me know what needs dry-cleaning, and I can take some of your clothes with mine when I go this week."
"Thanks," she murmured, thoughtlessly rubbing at her forehead.
"Still okay?" he asked in concern.
"Yeah," she sighed, pursing her lips and glancing back to the bed. "Just tired."
She had a feeling he didn't believe her, but he touched her shoulder and then startled her by pressing his lips to her forehead even though it shouldn't have been much of a surprise at all. "I'll go then. Goodnight, Kate."
She forced a waning smile for him and lowered herself to the edge of the mattress. "Night."
She couldn't sleep for a long time. Maybe it was the change in surroundings or the still ridiculous nerves over taking his bedroom, but she spent nearly an hour tossing and turning and losing her staring match with his ceiling. It didn't take long at all for her mind to begin a spiral, fluctuating between worrying for her father, missing her mother, contemplating the best approach to becoming a detective again, and panicking about her relationship with Rick. The overbearing yet familiar regret of losing two years of her life that always hovered in the back of her mind decided to chime in as well and eventually she had to get up, leave the bed and stand by the window in an attempt to clear her head.
Kate pressed her forehead to the cool glass, allowed her eyes to roam over the bright sea of city lights that she had yearned to see for so long, and watched the snow layering the ground below. She was almost tempted to get dressed, go wake Rick and ask him if he wanted to go have some fun in the blissfully white winter wonderland below. She already knew he wouldn't refuse her. He enjoyed spending time with her too much.
"What am I doing?" she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut and pursing her lips when she realized she had been expecting an answer.
You're overthinking things, Katie, her mother would have said in response, just like she always had in the past. Just take a deep breath, this isn't anything you can't handle.
Kate shook her head and turned towards the office; she was sounding delusional to even herself. She plucked from the shelf the first book her fingers caught and curled up in the leather office chair behind his desk, spun it to face the window and opened the novel.
She didn't leave the room until she heard him coming down the stairs a little after six that morning.