He gave her that infamous Finn closed lip smile that she knew and loved far too much, he beamed as he extended his arms before wrapping his arms around her in a warm embrace; the fabric of her t-shirt a thin wall between his bare skin and her's. Rae grew stiff with the contact as she wasn't the hugging type, he then gave her smile once more as he pulled away before turning and jogging off to join the other lads.
Rae woke to the other side of the bed slightly sunken in and occupied; which Rae felt slightly disappointed with. She secretly hoped that Finn would have woken long before her and leave, but she was only kidding herself to have thought that - it was Finn. Finn always stayed. Rae huffed as she looked at him, unsure of what to do. She checked her Swatch to see it was just gone ten, meaning she would be meeting with Brian in two hours - Linda insisted on Rae having therapy twice a week, until Rae was feeling better and in a good frame of mind.
She then moved her gaze to the ceiling and thought the past few days over, the guilt heavy within her chest - but then the past year crossed her mind. Although Al had been a help and comfort to her, it didn't cover his behaviour of the past year - the kindness he displayed only covered a 16th of his dickhead-like behaviour. She needed Kester, she couldn't confess this to Brian - it was different. She just didn't feel the connection, but then again; she didn't feel it with Kester either - so she was going to have to give Brian a try.
Thoughts of today's session over took her mind and caused her to frown, Brian wanted her to bring her poetry book - she hoped he wouldn't want to read it... But then again, what use would it be to him if he didn't want to read it?
"Wha' y' thinkin' about?" Finn croaked from beside Rae, causing her gaze to fall onto him. His eyes were droopy and his lips were formed in a tired smile, half his face slightly squished as it rested sidewards upon his pillow. She shrugged, "Nowt", He then scoffed and jokingly quipped, "Bollocks", She rolled her eyes, "Piss off", The pair shared a small laugh before they grew silent. She then broke the silence by asking, "'Ow long y' been awake?" He shrugged, "'bout five minutes", And once again, silence.
"Well y' can't read it", Rae snapped, worry in her tone. A sense of de ja vu over came Rae from when she first met Kester, when he asked about her diary. Except with Kester, he didn't want to read it - until he gained her trust - but with Brian; Brian wanted to read her poetry book - in which Rae wasn't quite ready to do. Brian sighed, "Look, I know it's hard, Rae. I know you're not good with trusting people but this is an exercise an-" "And exercise to stress me out? Well, y've done it", Brian couldn't help but scoff a laugh but Rae remained neutral.
Rae clutched the notebook to her chest, like a mother bear would do with her cubs. Brian replicated her pose, leaned back into his chair with his arms folded - body language important when it came down to scenarios such as this. She then thought that maybe letting him read just her latest poem wouldn't be so bad... But what if he decided to read the whole lot before Rae could snatch it back?
As if he had read her mind, he unfolded his arms and became open with his stance, "Tell you what, how about I read just your most recent poem? None of the others", She considered it for a moment longer, before asking, "Tha's it? Just tha' one?" "Just that one", He then gave her a reasurring smile, but she was still unsure. After a moment or two passed, Rae then rolled her eyes, opened the notebook to the last page she wrote on, slid it across the coffee table and sat back; folding her arms.
She may have looked calm when it came down to the way she presented herself, but her eyes gave her away - constantly jumping from him to the book over and over. Her fingers twitched and she could feel her heart rattle within her rib cage as each silent moment passed - her heart skipped when she saw a frown grace his forehead and his fingers edging towards the corner of the paper to turn it. She then bellowed, "Wha' y' doin'?" He then spoke, his frown not leaving his forehead and his eyes not leaving the lined paper, "Rae, there's another poem on the other side", It was her turn to frown, he looked up; his features soft but still locked in confusion, "There's another... On the other side", He then flicked the page over and held it up, proving that he wasn't bullshitting.
"It's not mine", She said after a long pause, he pouted his bottom lip - he was just as clueless as she. He then turned his attention back to the page and scanned it, after another silence he then exhaled before speaking; not looking up, "Do you have any clue of who could've wrote it?" She then scrambled those files within her brain, but came back empty-handed. She then shook her head slowly, still trying to work it out, "No, not anyone I can think of", He then looked up and closed the book, sliding it back, "Maybe you can have a look when you go home, or maybe ask your friends. I think it's important you find out who it is", She cocked an eyebrow as she reached for the book and picked it up from the table, sitting back when she did so, "Why?" She crossed his foot across the opposite knee as he also sat back, "I think it's best you find out for yourself".
Brian then did that stupid stare he always did, almost as if his stare were his fingers and they were picking through her brain - the stare that made Rae suddenly fidget and unable to sit still. She then glanced outside, it wasn't the nicest of mornings as a light drizzle and fog coated Stamford - like a smog blanket. Rae couldn't help but think over when Rae and Izzy went for Izzy's first scan not too long ago, the weather similar to this;
The girls arrived to the clinic ten minutes before Izzy's appointment. The inside was all formal, old magazines and the smell of anti-septic. The colours of the room were grey, white, black and royal blue. The girls sat side by side on the royal blue tweed chairs in the waiting room, earning a judgemental glance from the middle-aged and overweight receptionist from over the main desk. The room was quiet and only had them two and the woman behind the desk within the room.
"Iz, listen I was thinkin'-" "Don't do tha', s'dangerous", Izzy jokingly quipped. Rae gave Izzy a playful look; in which Izzy giggled at. Rae then continued, "Like I were sayin', y' want me t' stay over tonight? As I know Chop's at work till late and well I don't want y' to feel as if y' on y' own and we could like get in loads of films and yeh", Rae asked, awkwardly. Izzy then smiled, humbled and touched by her friend's gesture. She then asked, her eyebrows angling in multiple positions, "If y' sure, I don't want to be a burden and make y' feel as if y' have to look after me", Rae swatted her hand at Izzy, "Oh don't be so silly! I'm happy t' do it, if I wasn't then I wouldn't have offered would I, soft girl!" Izzy giggled, "True, true and listen I just wanted to say thank y, y'know, for doing this... It really does mean a lot", Rae gave Izzy a soft smile, "It's alright, as I know y'd do the same", Izzy nodded in agreement before Rae groaned, "God, we're so sappy!" And the pair shared a giggle.
The two grew silent and from the corner of her eye, Rae could see Izzy's eyes cloud over in worry, which Rae couldn't help but ask, "Are y' sure y' wanna do this, Iz?" Izzy thought about it before exhaling a deep breath and nodding, "I need t'", "Y' don't need to do anythin', Izzy. Really, it's y' choice and y' do what y' feels right", Izzy looked at Rae, a small and amused smile upon her lips as she sarcastically quipped, "Now y' tell me", Rae couldn't help but laugh, before then turning serious once more, "But seriously, Izzy. Y' don't 'ave t' do this, y' can-" Izzy then butted in, "I have t', Rae. No matter how much I don't want t', I have t'. I mean, I know it's big, huge even but am ready and so is Chop. I know it's scary and I know am young but I am ready and I'm gonna do this and we're gonna 'ave this baby an' tha's tha'", Rae, feeling sorry for Izzy, nodded before linking her arm with Izzy's and resting her head on Izzy's shoulder which caused Izzy to rest her cheek on top of Rae's head.
God, Izzy was brave; Rae thought. Never would Rae have been able to do this, any of this and keep it all together. One thing Izzy never failed to amaze Rae with, was her ability to keep it together; especially with things Rae would crumble at the mere mention of. Rae knew Izzy was a lot more stronger and brighter than people gave her credit for, they all just thought Izzy was a hippy who floated her way through life and lived on happy thoughts and candy floss.
Well, maybe not the last bit.
"Isabelle Louise Jones", A nurse called out. Rae and Izzy lifted their heads, before they shared a look. Rae unlinked their arms, gave Izzy knee a gentle squeeze the pair rose to their feet and followed the nurse out the room - God bless Izzy's little soul.
Rae left therapy muddled and in a daze, she decided a fix of sweets and a can of coke was needed. She went to the woolworths on Green Lane and headed for The Rutlands, taking a seat upon the bench that sat underneath her favourite thinking tree - despite her nipples were about to fall off and her arse was growing numb from the coldness of the wooden bench.
Rae placed her backpack upon the bench beside her, pulling out her notebook as she balanced her white paperbag of sweets and 50p can of coke upon her lap. Once she dug the notebook out, she took a large cola bottle sweet out of her sweet mix and began chewing; before she opened the book to the page of the mysterious poem that she ached to read. She recognised the scrawl and poor spelling almost instantly.
It belonged to Finn.
Although Finn was dyslexic, she could make it what he had written... Just about;
Words never come easy to me, especially at 5:30 in the morning.
Your name on the tip of my tongue, as you sleep peacefully beside me and liquid courage
flows through my blood.
Is too early to be high and drunk?
They come out in flashes, the memories we've made.
I've never been one for conversation, but I can't seem to shut up these days.
I guess goodbyes become more easy, before sunrise.
Who would've thought a kiss, would burn more than stars at night.
It doesn't hurt as much, when you are with he; as now you are mine
and there's whiskey.
I grow tired of your side of the bed being empty, maybe you'll find it in you
to forgive me for not saying it sooner - or saying it like this.
It doesn't really matter when we fight, as long as you are still with me at night.
I can't help but wonder, when you are awake if you're floating between sleep and reality.
If you're thinking of me right now, don't open your eyes; continue dreaming about me tonight.
I just want to know, what have I done to deserve you.
But you can't love me and I understand because...
I can't love me too.
Rae then slowly lowered the book and stared outwards into the fielding, swallowing the sudden heartache within her chest - she felt awful. She didn't realise he felt like... Like that. Surely he wanted her to find this, wanted her to see the poem - otherwise he wouldn't have left it there. She then tried to think of when he could've wrote it, not last night as he fell asleep before she did... Or did he? No, he must've done. She would've heard him move from the bed as Rae was a light sleeper and he always would wake her whenever he would move in his sleep.
But whenever Rae was sad, really sad; she could sleep through an earthquake and as if she had taken dozens of sleeping tablets. One thing Rae just couldn't figure out was why had Finn left the poem in such an easy place for her to see... Well, judging by the way it was half-torn out of the book; he didn't mean to leave it in. Rae guessed Finn had intended to rip it out of the book, but then she must've moved and in a moment of panic; he chucked it on the floor and pretended to be asleep - as that would explain Rae finding her notebook on the floor of Finn's/Al's side of the bed this morning.
If this was all true, then call Rae the new Sherlock Holmes.
As if alarm bells went off in her head, Rae grew pale as the fact that Finn wrote after her most recent poem aka he must've gone through her poems and seen the ones about him, Al, her self hatred, and everything in between; and all Rae could say was;
"Oh fu...ck".
Finn let out a laugh as he rolled a cig, Chop had told another one of his infamous stories as he worked under the hood of a car. Much to Finn's displeasure, one of the lads had asked Finn to take over on his shift as the lad had a funeral to attend to. But, luckily for Finn, Chop was also working that shift.
All morning Finn had felt nothing but happiness, despite the grey skies and it being an early morning shift; Finn could get used to being like this. He had a full pouch of tobacco along with skins, one of his best mates by his side, Rae's lips still lingering upon his own and skin, there was peace between him and Chloe and Chop had asked him to be the Godfather to his and Izzy's little one.
When Chop had asked, Finn was delighted but couldn't help but throw in that Chop was planning a little too early for all that but Chop brushed it off before then showing Finn the first sonogram as last time he and Chop saw each other - Chop didn't have time. But Finn was unsure whether seeing the sonogram was good or a bad thing, as he secretly was jealous. He was jealous that the couple weren't exactly thrilled over it, just blissfully happy as where Finn ached for a baby - a baby with Chloe that is. Yes, even with secretly sleeping with Rae; he still wanted children with Chloe. The sadness sat heavily upon his chest, like a curled up cat nestled into it's own tail. As he stared at that small square black, grey and white picture in his hands; delicately holding it with care - he couldn't help but imagine that little dot to be his. Finn couldn't help but grow a sudden attatchment to the little one, how could something so small mean so much? He could only imagine what it would feel like to have that... Have that responsibility and love for the little, tiny stranger. Before Finn grew too wrapped up in what could be, he handed over the sonogram and jokingly quipped, "Ay, mate, s'got y' black and white lines", In which the lads shared a laugh.
It was getting to just past half five and the sun had long gone down, a chill wrapped itself around the boys and the garage - like an icy blanket. It was nearing to closing time and Chop was finishing his final chore for the day, Finn already long finished his but had to wait as it was Uncle Al's orders. Finn was sat on a crate whilst Chop messed around under the hood of a navy blue 1968 ford mustang GT Cobra - Finn's dream car. Chop then randomly piped up, "Ay, did y'know tha' a baby 'as fingernails by eleven weeks?" Finn then frowned, "Fingernails?" Chop then came out from underneath the hood to get a wrench before going back under, "Yeh, read it in some baby book other day", In which Finn let out an amused scoff before asking, amusement twinkling in his eyes, "Ay, reckon it could scratch it's way outta Izzy's downstairs?" Chop then came out from under the hood, "No, don't, I 'ad a proper nightmare 'bout it", In which Finn paused, reading Chop's expression before asking, holding back a laugh, "Y' serious?" Chop nodded, "Like, mate it proper army crawled out", Finn couldn't hold it in and let out a howl of laughter, before his laughter became soundless and all he could do was clap; like a seal.
After a playful kick from Chop and Finn's laughter slowly but surely came to a stop, Chop finished and the boys were let off work early. As Izzy was staying in her sister's that night, Chop decided to pop round to Finn's to show Chloe the scan. The boys decided to pick up a chippy dinner on their way home as they needed their fix of fish and chips, before they ventured to Finn's flat. As they made their way up the block of flat stairs, they grew into the conversation of how well United were doing in the league. Their conversation came to a halt as they entered the flat to hear the television and a conversation.
The two moved through the flat and entered the kitchen, to put the dinners out - when they walked in to see Chloe, Brogan and Archie at the dinner table. The three turned to the two boys, mid-conversation. Chloe beamed, as did Archie and Brogan - Brogan's smile a little more shy than happy. Chloe then spoke up, "Were wonderin' when y' were gonna get 'ome", Finn didn't want to seem rude but he had to admit, Brogan's presence made him feel slightly uncomfortable as Finn wasn't one for welcoming outsiders. So, to not seem like a complete prick he gave Archie and Brogan a head nod before saying, "We got chippy but didn't know tha' Arch and Brogan were gonna be 'ere, otherwise we would've got some for everyone", Archie shrugged, "Nah, it's sound. I'll just rob y' chips", In which Finn scoffed jokingly, "Get to fuck", He then turned to Chop, handing over the white plastic bag that contained his and Chloe's dinners, "Put tha' out for us, man", In which Chop begrudgingly did so.
Chop turned, walking backwards into the kitchen as he spoke, "Oh and Chlo, got the scan 'ere!" In which she beamed, "I'll 'ave a look in a sec", Chop nodded an ok before turning to the kitchen, Archie then piped up, "Ooh, gis a look, Chop!" Chloe turned to Finn, who had now slid his hands and linked them at the lower of Chloe's back, her hands snaked to his chest and began playing with the fur collar of his denim jacket. He gave her a soft smile, asking, "Y' alright?" She nodded, "Yeh, sorry I didn't tell y' about Brogan and Archie comin' over but didn't know wha' time y' were gonna be 'ome and I didn't wanna be on me own", He nodded slowly, "Fair enough, y' 'ungry?" "Fuckin' starvin'", He rolled his eyes, "I sometimes wonder 'ow y' so skinny with the amount of shit y' eat".
When Chloe saw the scan she wore the exact same expression Finn wore when he first saw it - distant with a hint of faux happiness. Obviously Chloe was piss herself happy for the couple, as was everyone else, but she - like Finn - felt that same swallowing sadness. But the sadness past as she handed over the sonogram and Chop's proud demeanour was displayed before her; enough to stop the sadness from swallowing her whole. Whilst the couple laid in bed that night, Finn slept as where Chloe was unable to drift off.
She then turned her gaze from her bedside table and over to Finn, she always wondered how he fell asleep so easily; when he worried just as much as she - she envied him in a way. Her eyes drifted from his close eyelids down past his nose to his parted lips as light snores were sung before down his jaw and her eyes paused at his neck... Although it was dark, it was still apparent; small but velvet with a yellow tinge. A love bite, a perfectly formed love bite. How had she not seen it before? But more importantly; why didn't it break her heart?
Because she was cheating too.