Disclaimer: MasterChef is a pretty entertaining show, guys. You should find some obscure video hosting website and check that out instead of reading a fanfic about Goku farting all over the place and destroying the planet. I don't own Dragonball Z.

"Chi-Chi, come here! There's a report about Goku on TV!" Bulma shouted. Chi-Chi ran over. She and her son were staying with Bulma while their lot was being all fumigated.

"A recent report indicates that an entire supermarket in downtown East City has been destroyed in a hail of fire and what some are identifying as mustard gas, but more 'earthy.'"

Bulma and Chi-Chi watched the horrible news together, silently. They both knew what caused it, and there were so many directions their emotions could be pulled, hell, it was like their brains were made of sweet, sweet taffy. Incidentally, that was one of the options in Bulma's mind; fill Goku's asshole with taffy.

"Chi-Chi, do you think they sell taffy in bulk?"

"What?"

"Nothing. Just an idea I was considering."

"Bulma, we've got to do something," Chi-Chi said. "My husband is going to destroy the universe if this gets any worse!"

Bulma's brows stiffened. "Chi-Chi, you might be exaggerating a little bit."

"You don't know Goku the way I do."

"Uh, I've known him longer than you."

"Yeah? You ever have his dick in you?"

"…Go on, then."

"Thank you." Chi-Chi paced back and forth. "Goku's probably going to try to-"

BOOM! A terrible explosion shook the entire building, knocking over potted plants, felling pictures and nearly causing the TV to short circuit, which I can't even figure out personally.

"What was that?!" Chi-Chi screamed. Bulma decided to be pro-active instead of howling out questions that no one has the answer to yet and stormed to where Vegeta trained- the gravity room. Set on Vegeta's usual 600 times normal gravity, the room was impossible to breach for someone not of Super-duper-saiyan strength. But the two wives didn't even need to go in- a massive hole was blown in the wall.

"Oh, God!" Chi-Chi pulled the collar of her shirt over her face. "It smells just like my house did! Goku must be here!"

Bulma spied the burrito wrappers on the ground. Her entire face froze into an expression of fearful anger. "No. It's Vegeta."

()()()

"HA HA HA HA!"

Vegeta laughed with triumph, a juicy ass boom rocketing out with every heave of his chest, as he flew full speed in search of Kakarot.

This was the moment he'd been waiting for since the very first day he landed on earth. He had been outclassed, humiliated, and rendered irrelevant to that low class dog for too many years, but now he had an edge! And to think, all it took was a few gas station burritos! Every bitchin' fart was like another release of Vegeta's self-doubt and shameful rage.

But he had to concentrate. Kakarot's energy signal had completely disappeared from the ridiculous high it was at just hours ago. But how was that possible? No one could hide a source of energy like that, even if they tried their hardest! Maybe Kakarot had a big novelty cork shoved up his-

"My God!" Vegeta suddenly detected the other Saiyan's power level, but it was absurdly far away. In fact, it wasn't even in the same galaxy! It was in… it was in…

()()()

"Thanks for letting me stay at your place for a few days, King Kai!" Goku said with great cheer.

"Sure, whatever. It ain't the first time I've smuggled a refugee into my planet and, Lord willing, it won't be the last."

"Lord willing?" Goku repeated. "But, aren't you the Lord?"

"No one really knows who God is anymore, I don't think. I mean, people say it's the Grand Kai, but who the fuck can really tell?"

"Oh… that's kinda disconcerting."

"Makes you question the necessity of your entire existence, doesn't it?"

"Nah."

King Kai laughed. "For a Super Saiyan, you sure have a lot to learn."

While the Kai continued to pontificate on godhood and existence while Goku held in a fart. It was going to be a serious, planet demolishing one. It didn't make sense; it seemed like sooner or later the illness Goku was fighting should start to dissipate. Yet, somehow it's getting stronger. It felt as if, with every dairy air he expelled, the condition worsened.

"Say, Goku," King Kai said, snapping the Saiyan out of his circling train of thought. "Don't just stand there looking like you're about to explode, come on into the house and have some enchiladas! They're an old family recipe of mine, passed down for millennia!"

A tiny, foul squeaker managed to escape Goku's ass, which was on lockdown like Fort Knox so we're talking determined here, and suddenly all of the grass on that side of King Kai's planet erupted into flames that reeked of brimstone and shame. King Kai danced like an idiot for a little bit before escaping the fire by jumping on top of his car, which was helpfully parked on top of concrete.

"GOKU!" screamed King Kai. "You better fix this!"

Goku nodded like a little kid and looked around for something like a firehose or a new planet that would fix the problem King Kai would soon have of not having an old planet. In desperation, he tried floating up and blowing out the planet like it was a giant birthday candle, but all it did was cause the fire to spread quicker to the other side of the planet. With one hand, Goku grabbed Gregory, Bubbles, and King Kai off of the burning sphere, saving them.

"Oh, this is terrible, this is just terrible!"

"King-"

"What am I going to do?! I'll have to live with East Kai again, and it's going to be really awkward because she's been seeing somebody else for months!"

"King Kai, do-"

"Wait, maybe I could shack up with Grand Kai…"

"King Kai, do you have a firehose?!" Goku cupped his free hand over his mouth and hollered.

"NO!" the Kai screamed right back. "Damn it, Goku, you killed Frieza, and you can't even put out a wildfire?!"

Goku's face brightened up. "Ooh, I remember! I'll just do what Master Roshi did the first time I ever saw him use the Kamehameha!"

"Oh, no. No, no!"

But it was too late. Goku was already charging a beam strong enough to destroy ten of King Kai's planets with one hand. King Kai's increasingly loud assertions that it was a terrible idea did nothing to deter the hard-headed king of ASS-erting (because he's been farting a bunch, get it?). Finally, Kai resigned himself to the inevitable and plugged his ears. He heard a fart, then a loud explosion and tears welled up in his eyes. He had no idea why the fart sounded so far away, and he didn't care. It was close enough to blow up his planet.

"Vegeta?!"

King Kai opened his eyes immediately, and confirmed Vegeta was floating over the smoldering husk that used to be King Kai's planet. "Kakarot, have you been hiding from me?"

"Listen, Vegeta, you really can't be around me right now! I'm too dangerous!"

"Oh, I know all about your little secret…"

TBC