Rae was like a walking zombie, getting drunk the night before college was nothing new to her but she was still not used to sitting in a two hour lecture whilst feeling as if someone had pissed on her soul. Although her fry up this morning that Linda made was nice, it only sorted her out half way through her lecture about the quantitative methods to anaylzing businesses and such, she needed something much more greasier, thicker and more fulfilling – she needed a Sally's.
But deciding not wanting to eat on her own, she decided to pop round to Chloe's - as she knew Izzy was spending the day with Tasha and any of the boys wouldn't do as she needed female company and well she barely knew Brogan; so Chloe was the only option. She hadn't really spoke much with Chloe, the guilt like an invisible barrier between her and Chloe that would stop the pair from getting too close - the guilt felt by both parties.
Now, out of every friend Chloe knew; Rae was the only one she would ever let visit her in her house. Her and Rae had an unwritten rule that whenever Rae would go round, she would just walk in and go upstairs. The odd thing was that Chloe's house was strangely quiet that afternoon, the only sounds were to be heard were the tv coming from the living room; meaning Chloe's mum wasn't home and her dad was passed out somewhere.
Which was exactly right, as when Rae popped her head into the living room Chloe's dad was passed out on the long couch and Janie was sat in front of the TV - doll under her arm and a bottle of juice on her lap. Rae shook her head at the body on the couch, his careless parenting still a surprise to Rae. Rae came away from the living room door and headed straight for the stairs and up to Chloe's bedroom. Rae entered the room to see Chloe sat on her cream carpet in front of her body-length mirror with a towel round around her, her hair soaked and currently putting mascara on. Chloe frowned as she caught a glimpse of Rae in her mirror, she turned round and breathed, "Rae?" Rae gave a shy smile, "Iya", Chloe scoffed a laugh, confused, "Wha... Wha' y' doin' 'ere?" Rae shrugged, "Nowt, just thought I'd come round and see y'", Chloe nodded, happiness replacing her confusion as her eyes lit up at her friend's gesture, "Yeh! Right, come sit down", In which Rae took a place upon Chloe's bed.
Once both got over the first awkward hello, they grew silent and Chloe turned back to her mirror; continuing with her mascara. Rae watched her with admiration, she could've sworn Chloe got more beautiful every time they saw each other. To fill the silence, Rae asked, "So, where y' off to?" Chloe shrugged, "Nowhere, just thought I'd get a shower and stuff", Rae sighed, "Fair enough", And once more; silence.
Not wanting to beat around the bush, Rae then asked; picking at her nail beds with nerves, "Listen, Chlo, since y' not doin' anythin' I were just wondering whether y' wanted t' come the caf' wi' me? I'll pay", Chloe smiled inwardly, pausing for a moment but then cleared her throat and continued with her mascara; trying not to sound too touch by Rae's gesture, "Yeh but on one condition", Rae frowned, off Rae's frown Chloe smirked and turned to Rae, "Y' do me hair", Rae then playfully rolled her eyes, but the two couldn't brush off the feeling of pure happiness that overwhelmed the two as they knew deep down - everything was going to be ok.
Although Chloe and Rae original intentions were the cafe; they decided to go the pub as they hadn't been in so long - except this time they brought Janie. Despite it being March, the icy winds nipped at the girls skin and they huddled together as they made their way to the pub - noses and cheeks a flushed pink due to the bitter winds. Of course Rae kept a bit of distance from Chloe as Chloe still made her feel a resentment for her body; even with an outfit as simple as a big and cosy cream jumper that swallowed her figure, navy skinny jeans, cute little black ankle boots and an oversized grey tweed long-lengthed jacket.
Considering it was only four on a Monday afternoon; the pub was crowded - but luckily their regular table was empty. It looked lonely, untouched - as if every punter in the pub knew that the table belonged to the group and it was off-limits. Chloe and Janie sat on the bench seat, shedding their coats and giving their orders to Rae - one coke and one snakebite - Rae wove in-n-out of the crowd and over to the bar, trying to waver down the barman and not realising who had his back to her.
She recognized the smell then, slowly but surely, his stance and then the wisps of hair that poked through his red and royal blue bobble hat that slouched lazily on his head. Of all the fucking people...
She felt as if her heart was literally about to smash her rib cage, just as she was about to grab the barman's attention and order; a passerby accidentally knocked into her which caused her to nudge Finn. He turned and frowned at her, "I-I'm sorry", She mumbled, suddenly a bag of nerves. He nodded, "It's alright", Taking a swig of his beer before he turned back to his conversation with his, what she presumed to be, work friends.
That's it? No, 'it's nice to see you'? Just a simple 'it's alright' and then complete ignorance? Then again, what was she expecting... A big hug and a friendly chat? No chance. What the bleeding hell was he doing here? And what was he doing without the gang? That fucking snake...
Rae decided that if he could be ignorant then so could she and decided to best keep seeing Finn's stupidly beautiful face quiet - time with Chloe rare and moments alone with her important. After a ten minute struggle, she finally flagged down the barman and ordered the drinks; she then made her way back over to the table to see two more figures fill up seats - luckily both in the form of Izzy and Tash. Rae flashed a smile and a 'Y'alright?' As she placed the drinks down. She then leaned over and give Izzy a one armed hug, and then Tash before taking a seat and asking, "Wha' y' two doin' 'ere?" Her voice a pitch higher and more strained. Izzy, oblvious, shrugged and smiled, "Came down 'ere wi' Tash and well saw Chloe and yeh!" Rae nodded and caught Chloe's eye; who gave a sympathetic smile; but Rae shrugged it off and tried not to the let the bitter taste of disappointment take over; trying to replace it with happiness and good thoughts as the more the girls the better as the feeling of normality that came from it being just the girls with no drama was something Rae had craved to feel for a long time.
But then she caught his eye from across the room as his brown iris's burned a hole in her temple and realised she was never going to feel normal, not with him around. When was this stupid game of cat and mouse going to end?
By the look of his smirk and the plotting in his eyes; never.
As time grew on the more table grew full, all bar a certain moody lad - who left as soon as Chop turned up, in fear of being invited over. It was getting to just past seven and everyone was in the stage of merry; currently arguing over what name Izzy and Chop should name the baby - this being brought up after Janie asking whether she could feel Izzy's bump. Chop boomed, "Right, no as the dad am tellin' y' we're namin' 'im Ben; if he's a boy and if he's a girl then Rebecca", In which Izzy piped up, "Ignore 'im", Before smacking his knee. Chop rolled his eyes, "Alright then, wha' y' think we should call 'im?" Izzy then grew lost in thought before answering in a daze, "I like Thomas for a boy and Darcy-Lou for a girl", In which Chop scoffed and rolled his eyes before the gang - excluding Janie who just played with a straw - then began arguing over what names they thought were best. Tasha said Harry and Leigh-Anne, Archie said David and Natalie, Johnny said Mark and Anna, Chloe said Louis and Jodie, Al said Joseph and Evie and Rae said Eddie and Jade. The gang's arguing came to a halt when Janie said something completely irrelevant that it made the gang fall to bits laughing and move on to another topic.
A few minutes went by when Brogan entered the pub, slithering through the crowd and over to the gang; giving Johnny a kiss, throwing around a hello to everyone and taking place in the empty seat next to Johnny. Rae felt Archie tense slightly beside her, Rae spoke lowly and out of ear shot, "Y' spoke t' 'im?" Her and Archie's eyes landed on the happy couple aka Johnny and Brogan, in which Archie scoffed, "Wha' d'y' think?" Before taking a swig of his pint and involving himself in Izzy and Al's conversation about some new TV program.
Rae's eyes fell on Al and Izzy, noticing how close the two were but also catching Chop's bitter glares towards the two and always wondered whether it was Al who was the father of Izzy's baby... Rae pushed it into box number 6 - not needing another scoop of bullshit in her backpack as it was already weighing heavily on her shoulder's.
"Rae, Rae seriously y' deaf or somethin'?" Snapped Chloe with a slight scoff hinted with a laugh. Rae shook her head, she could've sworn she heard Finn's voice from the night of the "Sexy party", She then pulled herself back to the present and asked, "Wha's up?" "Am gonna drop Janie off and then we're going The Basement, if y' up for it", In which Rae, despite being already stupidly hungover, gave a nod - which the gang took as a cue to get their bits together and head out.
As they shrugged on their coats and made sure they had everything, they rose to their feet and headed for the exit. Chloe, Izzy and Chop were in front, followed by Johnny and Brogan, Archie, Tasha and Janie, Rae and Al fell to the back - the others in full conversation but the two at the back walked in silence. Rae looked up as she felt Al's hand land gently on her lower back, "Y' alright? Y' been quiet all night", He asked with a frown. She nodded, in which he then asked, "Y' stayin' in ours tonight or y' mam's?" She shrugged, "Probably our's", He then draped an arm around her and nodded, "Cool", And then a pause.
That is until Chop began belting the chorus of Shoot You Down, in which slowly one by one the whole gang joined in - making them feeling seventeen all over again.
It took Rae back to the summer of '97 and the gang - just the original six and not the whopping ten they were currently in - had decided a spontenous trip to Skegness beach - why Skegness Rae would never fucking know. It was just after Chop had passed his driver's test and it was a hot day, so why the fuck not? Despite being cramped due to the beach things they were taking and the sweltering heat from the blazing sun; they were happy. Rae, Archie, Finn and Chloe were smushed in the back and Izzy and Chop were in the front.
The four in the back swigged a beer each as were the pair up front stayed sober, Chop kept away for now as he was driving; and Izzy not touching the amber liquid as Chop wasn't and she felt mean. As it was a simpler and more innocent time; Rae and Finn sat in the middle and side-by-side with Chloe on Finn's left and Archie on Rae's right - as it should've been. It was a time were secret glances were shared and snide touches went unnoticed - a time present Rae ached for.
As soon as the first chords of Shoot You Down were heard; Chloe protested it to be turned off as it "Didn't 'alf get 'er down" But the other's shrugged it off and happily sung the lyrics at the top of their lungs. Finn turned to a sulking Chloe and tried his best to cheer her up, but after a few failed attempts - he turned to Rae, slid an arm around her shoulders and joined in the screeching choir.
Although Rae couldn't go back now and there was no use in moping over the memories; she couldn't help but think of it all as a waste. As without Finn the gang wasn't complete, without Finn there was no one to argue over music with and as cheesy as it sounded; without Finn there was no Rae.
God, she hated herself for the way she fucked things up sometimes.
The following morning Rae was in therapy, discussing about why Rae had found herself writing back in her diary again. She gave a simple shrug and said, "Wanted t' give it another go", In which Brian asked, "And has it helped?" Which Rae couldn't answer, not yet as she had only been re-writing in it for a few days - she needed a week before she could determine whether it was best to get back into the old habit.
It was a miserable morning both outside and in, a grey cloud dampened all of Rae's spirits - not in a depressive way but more of a "I'm fucking hungover and need my bed" Kind of way. But, as a promise to Kester; she solidered on and went to her regular Tuesday appointment with Brian.
He could see by the sluggish demeanour that Rae displayed; he needed to be careful and ask gentle questions. Brian sighed, folding his arms and sitting back as he asked, "And 'ow are y' and Al?" Rae nodded, "We're good", It was Brian's turned to nod before he asked, "Y' seen 'im today?" Rae nodded, once more, "Yeh, he's outside actually".
Al took a drag of his cigarette, his exhales coming out in a little cloud before him. Al was now sat outside the hospital, on a bench in the smoker's area to be exact. The rain was now coming down a lot heavier than before, Al was grateful for the shelter above, protecting his mop from the miserable weather. He watched as morning traffic drove past, the wheels against the wet tar to be the only sound and comfort.
Al grew wrapped into the silence, ever since dating Rae and being friends with the gang, he never noticed how much he never actually got time alone; until he was alone and how nice it felt. Well he thought was alone, until a voice called over his shoulder, "Al?" Al then turned to see Chop, who was stood at the hospital exit and raising a questioning eyebrow as to why Al was here.
Al exhaled some of his smoke before then saying, "Alright, man? What are y' doin' here?" Chop then joined Al on the bench, "Just come down with Iz for one of 'em stupid antenatal classes", Al nodded as he took in the information, taking a drag before exhaling and saying, "Ah right, 'ow were it?" "Fuckin' borin'", Chop quipped with a smirk. Al returned Chop's smirk before tensing as Chop then asked, "What are y' 'ere for?"
He let the question hang in the air, his response on the tip of his tongue as he debated whether to tell a truth or a lie. Al then scolded himself, why did he need to lie? He wasn't ashamed of Rae or why he was here. So, Al decided the truth was the best as that way he didn't need to keep track on any lies he had told.
"Oh, urm Rae had therapy and she needed a lift so", Al shrugged coolly, taking a drag of his cancer stick. Chop then mumbled a 'Fair enough' As he fished his lighter out of his jacket pocket, took a pre-rolled rollie from his behind his ear and cradled it from the wind as he lit it; before then taking a satisifed drag.
The pair fell into a silence as they watched the traffic before them, their drags of their own form of nicotine and cars driving past to be the only sound. Chop flicked the ash head of his rollie before asking, "How long y' been 'ere for then?" "About an hour", Al breathed back through an exhale, he always smoked like chimney when he was nervous or whenever being questioned about a, somewhat, touchy subject. Chop then nodded, "Yeh same", the pair then fell into another silence.
Aside from one drunken night out a few months back, this had been the longest and most sober conversation Chop and Al had ever had. Al, despite being older than Chop, was not one for words; especially when it came down to people he disliked. Well, he didn't dislike Chop; just didn't take a fancy to him - his loud mouth personality sometimes too overbearing. Al watched as a leaf drifted down from a, almost, bare tree branch and onto the tar of the car park - although it coming into Spring, the trees were still bare. You couldn't deny Spring was a beautiful season, leaves changing from a firey and golden orange to a budding green and pastel pink. It was that time of year where it would be jumper weather of a morning but then agonizing heat-stroke weather by twelve PM.
In attempts to make effort and conversation, Al asked, "So, where is Izzy?" "Just through there with Finn, needed a wee or summat", Al felt excitement kick at his chest at the thought of seeing Finn. He loved in the sadistic way how he could make Finn wriggle and squirm with just a simple look - he loved the power he had over him. Speaking of Izzy, she and a laughing Finn exited the hospital - Finn's child-like laughter coming to an abrupt halt as soon as his eyes landed on Al's. Izzy beamed at Al, "Y' alright, Al! Wha' y' doin' 'ere?" Al shrugged, flicking away his cigarette, "Just wi' Rae", Finn tried to appear not too concerned but Al caught the flash of sudden interest in Finn's eyes and couldn't help but let a smile creep onto his lips - Al was onto everything Finn did when it concerned Rae and it made Al piss-himself-happy the way Al had also control over Rae and could take her away from Finn. Izzy frowned, concern upon her brow, "Why? She alright?" Al's gaze slowly pulled away from Finn and back onto Izzy, sending her a reasurring smile, "Yeh, just got therapy", Izzy's face softened with relief, before she then piped up, "Oh thank God, well listen it's been nice seein' y' but we've gotta go as am late for lunch wi' me dad and mum, so we'll see y' later yeh? And give me love t' Rae", Izzy said as Chop rose to his feet and gave a head nod good-bye.
Chop, Izzy and Finn then departed from Al; who kept his eyes on Finn the entire time. He watched as the three walked over to Chop's car and Finn's scooter. He scoffed as he wasn't fooled by Finn putting on the act of caring friend, he wasn't there for Izzy at all as it was a known fact that Rae had therapy of a Tuesday and it always finished at half 11 aka Al knew that Finn was hoping to catch even just a glimpse of Rae. Al then sat back and folded his arms, still not taking his eyes off the three across the car park as they said their goodbyes. Izzy and Chop climbed into Chop's car whilst Finn mounted his scooter. Finn then caught Al's stare, in which Al gave a wink and a smirk; in which Finn looked down timidly as he threw on his helmet, put in the keys in the ignition and kick started the bike before driving away with Al's stare burning into him the entire time.
As it were written that Al had full control over both Rae and Finn; why'd you think Rae called it quits on Finn and her?
You really didn't think she actually wanted to, did you?