Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

by AsianTemptation

As a tactician, Robin is very observant and he sees that many of the Shepherds have feelings for one another. Unfortunately they never seem to have the courage to express said feelings and so our tactician sets out to aid his comrades on the battlefield that is war and the battlefield of romance. Rated M just in case.

5. Chapter 5

Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

Author's Note: I'm going to give a shout out to Sol D. Mars for being the first to review, Zallow for reviewing two different chapters, and Han-Ko since he's reviewed three chapters. I appreciate the support and if Han-Ko is a she instead of he, I apologize for assuming you were male. And Zallow, as for Robin's pairing I'm not too sure who it'll be, but most of the pairings I'm going to do are from my current Lunatic+ file. Also I never was to much of a fan of Lucina and Robin because I thought that marrying your best friends daughter from the future was just too weird for my taste. I will give Nintendo and Intelligent systems credit for that pairing as it tied into the story well and was written very nicely too.

Chapter 5:

Now Robin and company were heading to Port Ferox in an attempt to stop the spearhead of the Valmese invasion. After meeting Khan Flavia, they were met with the pleasant surprise of Virion's company once again, although Robin was more than happy to welcome his beautiful retainer Cherche. Robin had tried to talk to her at one point, although her Wyvern Minerva had taken a disliking to him and after trying to eat him multiple times, Robin decided that he enjoyed being alive far more than trying to simply get to know Cherche. The only thing that seemed out of place with Minerva was that the mark on Robin's arm that resembled to design on his cloak became somewhat irritated when nearing the Wyvern. When Robin thought more he realized that the mark was agitated once when had sparred with Nowi in dragon form. He quickly filed this away as he had far more important things to think of.

In the few days that the Shepherds had been reunited, Robin was already plotting as to who would be with who and how he was going to get at it. In those painful two years, Robin had many books where two lovers would embrace on the beach as a wave crashed in the background and the sun was setting as well. One could only endure so much cheesy romance and now Robin was back in the game. He also heard that the only way to get back into it wasn't to ease in, like a fish in a bowl, instead he was going to jump head first like Stahl in a buffet.

Robin had not given up on Cordelia and Lon'qu as neither had changed since the royal wedding. He was definitely going to see those two together because neither had anyone in their lives. Or maybe Lon'qu did and the reason he avoided women was because he was fiercely loyal to his significant other. With this kind of thought, Robin was now his old romance obsessed self and had the tools at his disposal to get his fellow Shepherds together. He would finally be able to continue his 'research' and he honestly missed the feeling of squeezing into barrels or boxes to eavesdrop. By the end of this campaign, the Shepherds were going to be pumpin out the baby gravy and squeezin out the munchkins because never before had the world witnessed such a monstrosity of a man like Robin who was skilled beyond all reasoning in romance.

Cherche and Virion had reported that the Valmese that would be landing in Port Ferox first would be here in about one week. Neither had reported when the actual invasion force would be sent out so the Shepherds had to make haste for the Port and stop the spearhead, then formulate a plan as to what would come next. But small goose steps at a time since the Shepherds would need to win at the harbor before anything else happened.

"Ah heya Robin! Haven't been able to talk to ya fer awhile."

Robin was torn from his thoughts only to be met by Donnel. Robin simply smiled as he greeted his good friend and one time pupil. Back in the Plegia/Ylisse war, Robin and Chrom had trained him to the best of their knowledge and then they directed him to Frederick to finish his training. After the war Donnie stayed at the castle until his training had officially been completed and he returned home to see his Ma.

Donnel had become a folk hero back in his village and his reputation only got infinitely better after he had been recalled to the Shepherds to help in the upcoming conflict. Donnel had basically been praised as a deity and he would force the villagers to spoon feed him the tears of all he disliked or suffer the wrath of the Hero Donnel. Or that's what Robin would think to himself sometimes for a good laugh.

"So Robin, we's headin over to Valm right? Wyvern Valley is over in yon direction idn't it?"

"I believe it is Donnie, why do you ask if you mind me prying a bit."

"Well back in my village I heard from a travelin merchant that a young girl wandered into the valley and put the whuppin of a life time on some poor wyvern. I heard she rode that sucker out and she was only nine years old as well."

"Hm. Don't think I've ever heard of a tale such as that. Maybe you'd be better off asking Cherche as she if a native of Valm and a Wyvern Rider as well."

"Well alright! I'ma hop right on that."

Robin could only watch as Donnie skipped off in hopes that he'd finally know the truth behind the tale he'd heard.

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Toward the end of the first day, Cordelia had spotted a hot springs a little off of the beaten path. Since the day was starting to wane, the Shepherds decided to make camp and have a quick relaxer in the springs. It had been clearly stated that the women would stay in the springs for two hours before they'd leave and then after a thirty minute waiting period, the men would make their way to the springs to have a good soak. But since Fire Emblem Awakening is a Japanese game it only seems right that I adhere to the unwritten rule in Japan that anything related to hot springs go terribly wrong...

"This is a most uncomfortable situation. I don't understand why we all had to accompany each other to the hot spring, I would have much preferred if it had been my treasure Lissa and myself instead."

"You know Maribelle, I think I'm beginning to realize why you still haven't found a man. Your constant company with Lissa, your insistence that only you two be in the springs together..."

The rest of the women had a small chuckle as the Noble woman turned a deep crimson.

"I resent you making such an accusation Olivia! I truly wonder if helping you get past your timid nature was a good idea since you now insist on teasing me."

Everyone had a good laugh at the woman's expense although no one could hear Cordelia laugh as she was currently submerged up to her nose. She had been dragged here by Sumia and when the other women caught site of her, they wouldn't let their claws out of her until she got in with them. So she quickly got in while no one was looking so that her secret of a small bust would remain a secret.

"Cordelia what's wrong? You don't seem to be enjoying yourself here."

Cordelia raised her head up so that her chin was now above the water.

"Of course I'm having a good time! What makes you say that I'm not huh!? You can't prove that!"

All of the women just stared at her for a bit before Nowi broke the awkward silence.

"Hey ladies, I just wanna ask when you all grew your boingy bits since I still don't have mine."

Suddenly the atmosphere was ten times more tense as no woman in the Shepherds was willing to talk about when their breast had started to grow. More that they didn't want to share when it started only to have everyone realize that they had been the late bloomer.

"Well actually, I guess that question was directed more towards Tharja since some people were talking about her boingy bits in camp."

"...who was talking about me exactly, Nowi?"

Tharja had a slight blush on her face as she was thinking that Robin had been thinking of her body and then decided to talk about her around camp since he had finally come to the realization that he loved her. Then they'd embrace, talk only to one another, and eventually he'd take off his pants...

"I think it was some guy from Regnant fox and he was with some big muscle guy with no shirt. Yeah and one said how he bet that your boingy bits were soft as pillows and white as snow!"

Nowi had a very innocent look on her face as he hadn't realized that she'd just sentenced both Vaike and Lon'qu to the gallows. The sad part being that Lon'qu hadn't said a single word in that conversation, rather Vaike was repeating what he'd heard some other people saying about Tharja. If Nowi had listened to the entire conversation, she would have heard the Vaike saying that he didn't think people should talk about that creepy dark mage in a way like that. Nevertheless both were going to die a gory death thanks to Nowi.

As is custom with large gatherings of women, they decided to discuss a topic that would normally be the conversation of slumber parties where everyone gets naked and has a pillow fight.

"Hey guys lets talk about the Shepherds!"

Lissa seemed ecstatic to talk about a seemingly mundane topic.

"Hmm? What about the Shepherds Milady?"

Cherche chirped this out as she was very happy to be bathing even if the women refused to let her dear Minerva join them.

"Okay let me try again. Let's talk about our fine specimen of men that are in the Shepherds!"

All of the women just sat there looking at Lissa as if a risen had just crawled out of her mouth and said 'How do you do?'

"Why not? Why don't YOU start Lissa."

All of the women had smug looks since they figured their secret and very personal feelings were going to be kept secret, as these conversations never ended until all had said their piece. Thanks to Sully and her quip they'd all be safe.

"WELL I am glad you asked Sully. I have always admired Frederick and his well chiseled perfect body under that gallant armor with his silky hair that blows ever so gently in the wind."

Lissa had a dreamy look on her face as she imagined her man. Everyone else was slightly confused since Frederick did have a well toned body, although his armor was more intimidating if anything and his hair never blew in the wind as it was usually clinging to his face due to the intense sweat he'd work up in a fight.

"Oh well I'd say I like Robin! He's is such an attractive man!"

"S-Sumia! You're married to Chrom, you can't be saying that!"

Olivia was very disturbed at this as was many of the other women.

"Teehee. It was a jape everyone, you know I'd never do that to Chrom."

Everyone sighed as they had hoped this was a joke, civil wars had been started for less than petty love triangles before. There was an awkward silence as no one really wanted to speak up about such a sensitive subject.

"Well Nowi, you've got a pretty good blush going, why don't you fill us in on who you're thinking of."

Lissa was all too excited to be able to hear about everyone else and hopefully how they were also in love with a dope who still hadn't caught on to their feelings.

"Weeeell I had heard from Robin that the guys had voted on who they thought was the best looking woman in the Shepherds and he told me to go ask Gaius about his vote in a very suggestive tone. Heehee I was pretty happy to go find him since I already liked him a little, but he still won't budge about who he voted one. He keeps saying that he didn't even cast a vote, but I'm sure he is too afraid to admit to me that he really, really, REALLY likes me. I guess what I'm saying is I think Gaius likes me and I like him too!"

It was too bad that Robin wasn't hiding nearby as the juiciest of details were now coming out, faster than Sumia falling on her face. Once Nowi had gotten it rolling, Lissa and Nowi tried to coerce the other women into sharing what poor bastards trouser snake they wanted to slay.

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While the women were continuing their cluck fest, the men were currently getting ready to make their way to the springs. As soon as the thirty minute safety period had started, the men all began to dress themselves with towels, as they didn't want to be changing in the strange wilderness. Robin knew better than anyone that someone might be trying to sneak peeks since he himself spied on others, although he had morals and would never peek on a woman who was changing. At least not Nowi since he was a little uncomfortable with the fact that she had the body of a teenager. NO! Robin must stay true to himself as he was no pervert and he would never commit such horrid acts! Instead he would just ask someone like Vaike for the details since he was always trying to see some woman bathing.

Regardless, the thirty minute period was up and it was definitely more than safe to head to the springs. The thirty minute wait was Robin's idea since he wanted no accidental peeks, and thirty minutes was ample time for the women to make their way back to camp after either putting on a towel or putting on some clothes. Either way it was time to relax and coax some info from some of his friends for his upcoming schemes to play love doctor for the Shepherds. He was going to grill all single men about their preferences and he was finally going to get back on track.

Soon they were close to the spring, or they assumed they were close since the air was muggy and warm. Although before they got there they heard a myriad of voices that clearly belonged to a group of women.

"OOOOOOH I bet you like Robin don't you!"

This grabbed every mans attention and they quickly exchanged glances. The looks in their eyes told one another that they'd listen to this one bit of intrigue and then make their way back to camp. They all knelt down in hopes that they'd stay out of sight and be able to get the dirt on whoever was talking.

"Come on tell us!"

That voice was obviously Lissa's and it could be deduced that she wasn't the one who liked Robin. Everyone was waiting very impatiently for the mystery woman to speak up.

"Come on I said who I had a thing for! Don't be afraid we're all friends so we'll take it with us to the grave."

That was Nowi. Although Robin was friends with the Manakete he didn't feel comfortable with her being in the body of a teenager so her not having affections for him was a relief.

"Hm although I don't quite grasp the meaning behind questioning each other on our preferences in men, I too will join in the interrogation in hopes of understanding this ritual."

There was Miriel. Robin was actually still trying to work on who could possibly be a good suitor for her. She was always engrossed in research and she hardly spared time for talking. He actually had a few plans in the early stages for getting her close to someone through some kind of joint research.

"...hurry up and answer. I need to know if it is Robin so I know if I need to (mumble)"

That was obviously Tharja with her quiet voice and distinctive tone. It almost sounded like she was saying that she needed to know who she wanted to hex.

"..."

There, they all heard it. A woman had made a low sighing noise as if to signify that she was the woman in question. Based on that noise alone, no one could tell who it was.

"Oh I bet it IS Robin!"

Lissa yet again, ruining the chance to gain critical intelligence. Robin and every man that had been eavesdropping was on pins and needles waiting for the mystery woman to admit who she liked, although based on context, there was a good chance of it being Robin.

"Milord, what are you and the rest of the men doing squatting here?"

All of the men had turned to see that they had forgotten Frederick was a little ways behind them after they had left. Lon'qu had been so startled that he fell forward and when he looked up he was on all fours,face to face with a beet red Cordelia. After a solid three seconds Lon'qu fell forward again, passed out, and the women just stared as he floated to the center of the hot spring, face down. His towel had slid off and instead of making sure he hadn't drowned they just stared in awe.

"Is that a man' ass? Is that LON'QU'S ass?!"

Lissa was in shock as were many of the women, they weren't sure if they should be disturbed that he had been hiding in the bushes or excited that they saw the toned swordsmen and his tight ass.

"I don't understand. Is there a difference between the buttocks of a male man-spawn and female man-spawn."

"Eh well Panne you see, women are supposed to have uh, nice, fluffy bottoms! Yeah that's it, like Tharja and her 'boingy bits' you see."

Lissa was granted a cold glare from the mentioned dark mage and Panne then proceeded to move towards Lon'qu. She then, to everyone's dismay, touched his buttocks with her finger. After prodding the mans butt cheek, she then licked the right one, as if to assess it.

"Would one of you mind if I now assessed the difference between this male and one of your behinds?"

Maribelle had finally regained her composure after having been shocked seeing a man spying on them when Miriel beat her to the punch.

"Yes now that the topic has been brought up, I suggest that we test out the theory that there indeed might be a difference between as Lissa said a 'man's ass' and a woman's."

Robin just couldn't believe what had transpired in the last sixty seconds. It had gone from being caught by Frederick spying on bathing women, Lon'qu almost or for all they knew currently drowning, Panne licking his butt cheek, and now trying to test the difference between men and women behinds.

"LORD CHROM THIS IS BEHAVIOR UNFITTING OF THE KING!"

Frederick had finally come back to after also witnessing the disturbing events and now there would be hell to pay. Whats more was that the women came to the realization that more than Lon'qu had been hiding in the bushes.

All of the men stood up and instinctively backed away from Frederick and his wrath only to realize that they had come into the ladies view.

They all turned and met eyes with each other in what would go down Ylisse's textbooks as the longest moment in history. Then they all began to scream in horror.

"GO AWAY"

"PERVERTS"

"oh Robin, if you wanted to see me like this you just had to ask..."

Aside from Tharja, all of the ladies had begun to shriek. They began throwing rocks, excluding Panne and Miriel since they were unfamiliar with this social situation and Tharja only threw them at people who weren't Robin.

"OW DAMN. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS TREACHERY. LORD CHROM TELL THEM I WAS TRYING TO STOP THIS NONSENSE!"

Frederick tried to quell the assault, to no avail and now the situation was looking bleak.

"Crap! Robin, what should we do!"

Chrom was desperate and Robin had yet to fail him in a tight situation.

And so Robin turned to the opposition who were still hurtling stones in an onslaught that was not going to end anytime soon. He then looked upon his troops who were holding fast against the assault. With fire in his eyes and a will of iron he raised his fist to the sky as if he was going to call upon the mighty tome Aureola itself. He took in a deep breath and spoke to most epic words to have ever been uttered in a battle.

"WE MUST HOLD OUR GROUND! WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP, NOT TO YLISSIANS, PLEGIANS, MANAKETES, AND TAGUEL ALIKE! HOLD FAST MY FRIENDS AND YOU SHALL SEE THAT NAGA HERSELF BLESSES OUR CAUSE AND WILL SEE US THROUGH TO THE END!"

Suddenly the barrage stopped and the women were staring at him with looks that had confusion and anger mixed together. Then most of them shouted in unison-

"NO!"

"Robin! What is the plan now, they seem to be throwing the rocks harder now! OW!"

Chrom was right, it seems that the speech meant to arouse the men had actually given the women a more intense desire to snuff them out.

Then Robin had a smile, the same that he had when he concocted a strategy that would win the battle, or when he saw a pair of Shepherds that he was going to put together, or when he stole the last sweet roll when Gaius had clearly been reaching for it. Yes Robin had the plan that would turn the tide and win this battle.

"Alright men, there's only one thing to do! CHARGE!"

Robin jumped forward into the spring, thankfully with his towel on. Although he miscalculated the trajectory of his jump and he ended up falling onto Lon'qu's unconscious form. Then the Shepherds were regaled at the sight of an unconscious naked man being wrestled around by another naked man until finally Robin rose only to be slapped across the face with the force of a Grizzly that had been woken from its winter slumber.

"YOU LOW BORN FILTH! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN WHO IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED AND VULNERABLE!"

"Put my hands on? I've only had my hands on Lon'qu and his long swor-"

This was all that he could utter before he received another slap and he fell backwards onto Sully. Then it became a flurry of women screaming and throwing Robin to the next as they tried to leave without exposing themselves to the rest of the onlookers.

Eventually the women had evacuated the spring, some slower than others like Tharja, which left the men of the Shepherds all standing with their jaws as slack as humanly possible.

"Er I think I saw Maribelle naked. Her family is friends with mine, how am I supposed to talk to her or her dad now?"

Ricken's realization then brought the others to very disturbing revelations of their own.

"I think I saw a woman that wasn't Sumia naked. I think, I think I'm going to end up dead before we defeat Walhart."

No one, not even Virion had a quip or witty remark to add as this was a situation that would see them all castrated and tortured.

"Eh well Gregor will make with soaking of himself. He wants to be clean before women make with the killing and ball severing."

With that Gregor plopped down into the spring and spread his arms around the rim. Soon the other men joined as they saw this as a chance to try and wash away their sin and cleanse themselves before they met their end. Libra even held a quick prayer session in which he asked that they all be judged by the gods alone and spared the judgment of the scorned women. After they all had joined Libra in concluding the prayer, they woke a very confused Lon'qu and explained their predicament. After hearing, Lon'qu was now more afraid of women than ever and he joined the silent soaking as he too was afraid to return to camp.

Robin sat in his spot, no longer thinking about his plans to get the Shepherds engaged to each other. Instead he thought of ways to leave camp tonight and about the things he saw that night.

'I saw Lady Maribelle's breasts. I saw them jiggle when she slapped me. Teehee'

Now the men all turned to see the tactician once again giggling to himself madly as they all awkwardly joined in, thinking back on any body parts they may have spotted as well.

Author's note: TO ALL WOMEN READING THIS. I realize that my personification of women and the things they do when they might be alone with each other is not accurate and I want you to know I mean no offense. This is for comedy so I'm sorry if you feel like I'm degrading women. We all know that you jump into kid pools with baby oil and wrestle each other with white t-shires and short shorts on in your free time with each other. (Just kidding)

Also this chapter turned out nothing like I thought it would. The whole hot spring thing was never planned, but I thought it was kind of funny. Sorry if you feel like I wasted your time with this chapter since it only had a little character relationship development and there was that bit with the woman who likes Robin, but I didn't even tell you who it was. That's because I only have a vague idea as to who it might be.