Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

by AsianTemptation

As a tactician, Robin is very observant and he sees that many of the Shepherds have feelings for one another. Unfortunately they never seem to have the courage to express said feelings and so our tactician sets out to aid his comrades on the battlefield that is war and the battlefield of romance. Rated M just in case.

6. Chapter 6

Robin: Tactician, Gentleman, and Match Maker

All credit goes to Nintendo and Intelligent systems for the characters and the support conversations. Also XRahkZorzX now that you mention it that whole hot spring shenanigans was alike like Persona 4. It makes a lot of sense now that you mentioned it since Persona 3 and Persona 4 had the two funniest hot springs bits. So with that being said I have to give credit to Atlus and Index corporations since I feel like I subconsciously took inspiration from Persona 4 the animation. Go watch that by the way, it's pretty good. Thanks to XRahkZorzX for clearing that up.

Chapter 6: Slang, Poop, and Love

The day after the hot spring incident was a long and awkward day indeed. Chrom had opted to not return to the tent he shared with Sumia the night before, instead he and many others all combined the tarp of their tents to create a larger one, in hopes that the women would not strike while their numbers were high.

The Shepherds continued the march to Port Ferox and it was painfully obvious that there was something amiss as all had a straightened back when crossing paths with the opposite gender and many had started to name these interactions 'Lon'quisms.'

Robin had tried to hide his embarrassment by burying his nose in a book. Although he had enjoyed his accidental peeking, he soon realized that the candle that burns brightest only burns half as long. Meaning that his enjoyment of seeing naked women was short lived in the fact that many of the men would probably end up injured from 'friendly' fire. It just wasn't worth the risk of being mutilated for seeing all of his comrades naked. He tried to distract himself with the book he had been 'reading' for the past hour, although he had been on the same page for that entire hour. He then began to actually read in hopes it would ease his mind.

"Crepuscule, Crepuscule. What did that mean again?"

"Oh Robin, are you studying?"

"Yes I am, …"

Robin immediately pulled a 'Lon'quism' as his back stiffened as well as his face reddening.

"Uh hello, Lady Maribelle. I was just reading up...a bit... on some things."

Robin could barely look at her, let alone any woman in the Shepherds. He wasn't even sure how she had worked up the nerve to start up a conversation with the man that she accused of 'trying to put his hands on a woman who was slightly confused and vulnerable.' Then he immediately saw that this was a simple ruse and that Maribelle had no intention of making small talk, she was actually about to assault him with her parasol or use him as target practice for her tomes since she had recently been promoted to Valkyrie. Robin was no fool and he had determined that the best course of action was to play along as he now had the element of surprise.

"Reading up, how lovely. I hadn't realized the lowborn read at all!"

"Did you drop by to look down your nose at me, or was there something else?"

With this, Robin was leaning back a little with his hand brushing up on his tome. He was sure that her blunt insult was the precursor to an attack and so he had tried to be ready for anything. Suddenly she had raised her parasol that she'd been holding in her right hand and let the end rest in her left. Robin misread this gesture as a sign of attack as he then gave the signal.

"AHA! EVERYONE, BANANAS!"

The men had decided that the chances of being ambushed all at the same time was higher so that no man would be able to escape and so they determined that when one was attacked, they'd give the signal to the rest to make a break for it. The designated word had been Bananas since Stahl had been eating one during the team meeting.

Soon anyone that had a penis had either dove off into the bushes or turned around and ran over hill and dale. Robin was the sacrificial lamb as he was the first to be attacked and so he'd die with his dignity in hand as well as a tome.

"I'm sorry darling, but is Banana a new euphemism for bandit or ambush? You lowborn are just so queer sometimes. Nevertheless, a noble's nose engages in no such activities! I was sincerely impressed. If my turn of phrase offended, I apologize. Forgive me?"

This was too confusing for Robin to handle. First Maribelle beats him for calling her 'Hoops for Hair', then she smacks him around for trying to break the line in a nude assault, and now she apologizes to the man that saw the most intimate parts of her body. A strange day indeed.

"Uhhh alright. I take it back. Was there something else you needed or are we done here?"

If Robin never had to talk to Maribelle again it would be too soon. If she wasn't insulting him for being lowborn then she was being all weird with her apologizing. For all she knew, Robin might not even be lowborn he could be the reincarnation of Galle or something and he was the vessel for the Dark Dragon Loptyr. That would be strange and all, being the body of a godly force of evil...

"Yes, I had hoped to learn more about you."

There it was. Maribelle was trying to get the inside scoop on Robin so that the women could all get their revenge on him. Or maybe Maribelle alone was the one who wanted to kill him for looking on her naked form. Although Robin wouldn't mind being beaten by her parasol if she did it while she was naked again.

"Heh heh. Wha- wait. Me? Why me? I'm not that interesting you know."

After regaining composure Robin had tried to play along with Maribelle's ruse again. Obviously she was up to no good and he would be living to see another dawn since many of the Shepherds were still single and his job was to win this war and get his good friends together.

"Can you fault me for being curious about an amnesiac with a genius for strategy? You've also earned quite a bit of trust from my dear friend Lissa. It's only natural that I'd want to learn more about the stranger in our midst. I suppose you simply say that I hoped we could become... friends. Unless you object of course."

This was by far the strangest thing to happen to our tactician and he'd been around the block. He had been recruited after being found face down in a field, seen the 'Hero King of Yore', seen all of his female companions naked, and accidentally hid in the same barrel as Olivia once when he was doing research. Now the woman who'd he had seen nude wanted to be friends. This was seven shades of suspicious and Robin knew he couldn't just shoot her down as this would give the women a reason to hate him more.

"No, I don't object, per se. But... uhh well. Eh... weren't we friends already?"

Robin was trying to keep his distance and keep this woman at bay as well, but neither was working at all as he'd just given her precedence to believe they were friends.

"Oh, I'm pleased to hear you say that, Robin!"

'Oh I bet you are. I bet you'll say that as well when you make me beg for my life. Well I might as well butter her up so that my corpse will be recognizable when the others find it.'

"You really can be sweet sometimes, Maribelle. Well then ask away. If I know the answer, I'm happy to tell it."

'You two timing, blood thirsty witch'

"Oh, lovely! That's very kind. Well, then... Tell me about the quaint customs of the unwashed masses from whence you come? I'm especially interested in this 'slang' that you brutes seem so fond..."

"...I take back what I said, and then I take back the take-back before that."

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Three days after the 'Bananas' incident, the Shepherds had squared off with a few bandits and were on their way to Port Ferox again. Donnel had made his way to Robin to tell that he'd talked to Cherche after Robin advised he ask her about the story, but before the hot springs incident. Turns out that Cherche was the one that the story was based on and Minerva was the wyvern that got the 'whuppin of a lifetime.' Donnie seemed all too excited to talk about this story that was really not all too interesting. Robin took note of this and decided to probe Donnel and see if he still had his keen edge.

"Hey Donnie, while we were at the springs, did you see anything at all? Any beautiful magenta haired maidens that ride overgrown newts?"

He still had it.

"What are ya talkin about Robin? What in tarnation is a newt? And what is magenta?"

Robin liked Donnie a lot, but sometimes his lack of education was a bit frustrating. Robin was thankful that Donnie was nowhere near as pig headed as Chrom, where the woman was setting everything up and he'd just completely overlook the signs.

"Um alright. Did you happen to sneak a peek at any red haired rider at the springs?"

"Er well I think I might'a saw Sully. I'm not so sure that I wanted to since Gregor is already trying to talk to her."

That was instantly filed away since Robin had been trying to see them together since the final fight against Gangrel. Now he had to coax the information out of Donnel since Robin was getting nowhere.

"Did. You. See. Cherche. Naked."

Smooth. Apparently Donnel got the message as his face matched the color of Cherche's hair.

"Aw well no, when all that ruckus was goin on I turned away so that I didn't see nothing I shouldn't have."

He was fidgeting a lot and this was definitely uncomfortable for him. Looks like Robin might have another winner on his hands.

"Ah well just making sure because if her Wyvern Minerva had known, she would have eaten you. In fact she tried eating me for much less. Hey maybe you should ask Cherche about how to put the smack down on a wyvern. We might end up in Wyvern Valley and the guy that takes down a Wyvern by himself will be a real lady killer."

Robin was now prodding Donnie's side and raising both eyebrows in quick succession. Donnel's answer was somewhat surprising.

"Well I really don't care too much fer the girls swoonin at my feet right now. I'm usually too busy helpin Cherche and Minerva around camp. After we sorted out that Cherche was the Wyvern subjugatin gal, I asked if I could hang around them so I could learn to be friends with a wyvern."

Definitely surprising as Robin had set the foundation for those two without even knowing it. He was just kidding when he was hassling Donnel as to whether or not he saw Cherche naked. Now Robin had some serious research to conduct later since Donnie apparently helped Cherche out with mending and other chores quite often.

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Robin had followed Donnie for awhile until the young man finally seemed to work up the courage to speak to Cherche and apologize for the hot springs. Apparently she didn't mind since she saw that he had turned away and Robin took careful note of the fact that she had specifically picked him out of the crowd.

"Um Cherche, I've finished yer laundry and finished that mendin' from the other day so um here."

Robin was watching this scene until he found himself in the situation that he had mentioned earlier. The top of the barrel he'd been hiding in had been opened very swiftly, but quietly so it didn't alert the two outside. When Olivia jumped in and landed on Robin she didn't scream or even squeak as Robin did nothing as well. Instead they locked eyes in a very strained and awkward silence, remembering the hot springs incident. Suddenly Robin shook his head and sucked it up as he needed to conduct research because when this war was over he needed to have closure in his life. He then peered out of the small hole only to see that both had run off somewhere. Robin then tipped the barrel with Olivia still stuttering and he took careful note that a bag of Wyvern feed was now gone. He could only assume that they'd gone off to feed Minerva.

"I uh, have to pee. So see you."

Yet again another beautifully crafted lie and now Robin sped off in hopes of seeing these two interact.

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Yet again, Robin found himself in a familiar situation. Face down in the Wyvern pen, specifically built for Minerva and he learned that wyvern dung smelled far worse than the feces of Pegasus. He slowly crawled forward , approaching Minerva from behind. He had read that Wyverns were never meant to track anything so their sense of smell was nothing to write home about and the smell of feces should be enough to mask his odor.

"...Don't s'pose you'd tell me how ya managed to earn her trust?"

Lame. He was hoping for a confession so he could wrap this up in his book and set up more Shepherds. No matter, eventually he'd just put them together on the battlefield and through blood, sweat, and steel they'd come to care for one another in a fashion that wasn't the relationship that Lon'qu and Cordelia shared. In fact Lon'qu and Cordelia just angered him immensely since they were absolutely no where even though they'd been fighting together in small skirmishes for a little while now. Their story in his book was going to have a very long foot note about how the woman had a deep obsession with a married man and how the man was terrified of anyone with a working set of lady parts.

"Through the same bonds of friendship that made you part of our little group. Don't you notice how close you've become to Minerva?... And to me?"

Oh Donnel you slick dog. He had this in the bag and that was painfully obvious from the last bit tacked onto her statement. Robin was fairly proud of his good friend since he was doing so much better than Chrom...

"Aw, shucks. But yer so pretty and kind, and I'm just a big lug from the sticks... Ya really think we're becomin' friends?"

Just like with Chrom, Robin slammed his face into what was in front of it. Only instead of clang Robin got a good splat. Yes he felt extremely stupid having slammed his face into Minerva's dung although he felt the same way that Donnel should have since he liked Cherche, Cherche liked Donnel, Minerva liked beans or something because her dung smelled like she ate a live person with some beans and sewage to create the explosive diarrhea he was now laying in.

"Oh I know we are."

Robin picked his head up to try and see the expression on her face to get more evidence of her feelings for the farm boy. Unfortunately he had to wipe the dookie from his eyes and he already missed whatever face she'd made.

"Gosh, how excitin'! Donnel Tinhead, friends with the famous Wyvern subduer!"

"And the wyvern too..."

Soon their conversation concluded and they went about their business. Robin learned to wait a good five minutes for people to have been gone before leaving himself, in case they needed to return and retrieve something. He'd almost been caught on more than one occasion before he had made this personal rule as Sumia always had to return to get something she dropped after tripping.

He was going to rise and leave when the mark on his hand and forearm got extremely irritated. He then put his face back into the crap as he realized that Minerva had probably been alerted to his presence. If he wasn't avoiding parasols it was Wyverns. He honestly felt that his life was in far more danger in camp than on any battlefield he'd been on so far.

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Robin wished that he'd caught some advice from Cherche on how to subdue a Wyvern. He now had a few cuts that needed to be treated, more for the feces that might get the cuts infected. He also had to come up with a story as to why he had a solid coating of 'mud' on him and why he had so many cuts. When he finally reached the medical tent, he was met with Ricken and Maribelle. Obviously Maribelle was here to take a shift since she was trained in healing arts and Ricken was here for some reason or another. Robin had hoped to spy on their interaction in hopes that he'd pair off another set of Shepherds. Unfortunately the smell that radiated off of him was more than enough to get their attention.

"Well like I said Maribelle, the whole hot spring thing was just a big misunderstanding. So I hope you don't hate me... or tell your dad."

Ricken looked genuinely afraid after mentioning Maribelle's father and that was something to file away if Robin wanted to see them together.

"Oh how could I ever hate you wittle wicken. You're so adorable and I know you'd never try to peek at your good friend Maribelle unlike some people."

She then shot Robin a teasing look and went back to smothering Ricken.

"OW hey I'm not a kid, stop it! Stop would you stop PLEASE!"

Ricken looked desperately at Robin in hopes that he'd help, but Robin had no clue what to do nor would he dare interrupt Maribelle in anything lest he be hit again.

"Okay yes I did peek! Specifically at YOU Maribelle now stop man handling me please!"

"Awww Ricken are we trying to fib about doing naughty things so that we'll be treated like an adult? You're just too adorable, trying to grow up before your time."

Finally Ricken was released from his torment and Robin could get the treatment he needed before he died a miserable and smelly death.

"Lady Maribelle, I need some treatment for some injuries I recently sustained."

"Oh dear, you recently said we were friends didn't you? Just call me Maribelle darling."

'Darling'. Robin's spine crawled at how casually she said that and how they were friends. He was still pretty sure she was going to kill him and she was only helping him so that the pleasure of killing him would belong to her. She then proceeded to clean his wounds after forcing him to throw his cloak outside the tent so that the smell would become tolerable.

"Tell me dear, how could you have possibly gained such grievous injuries when we've yet to fight today?"

"Oh I was uh... out in the woods just... peeing. Then I was attacked by a Risen. And a wolf. A risen that was riding a wolf...after attacking me they... evacuated their bowels...on me."

She only raised an eyebrow at his excuse and continued about her business.

"A question about the material we covered yesterday Robin."

Robin then remembered that he'd given Maribelle some lessons in 'slang.' It was pretty funny since he'd told her a bunch of horribly inappropriate phrases since he was sure she'd never use the language of lowborn in public.

"Ah, you mean about my lessons on the language of the great unwashed?"

"Precisely, yes. I immediately set about to practice what you'd taught me, but..."

The smile melted from his mouth as he began to realize that in order to practice she would have needed to use it on other people.

"...Well, everyone I spoke to looked askance, or avoided eye contact altogether. Others contorted with glee, as if they were stifling laughter."

Just as he feared.

"Wait, you used that slang? Out loud? In public?"

Robin felt another beating on the horizon.

"If you hope to communicate with a person, you must first speak their language, no? And the quickest way to internalize new knowledge is to put it into practice!"

"Yeeeees, both of those are technically true. But Maribelle, when we talked I... um. Look I'm just going to be completely honest Yeah? The examples I taught you are reserved for intimate friends."

"What!? You knew this and didn't tell me? Did you hope to ruin me?! Wait... so when I told Chrom he was 'a right bit'a fruit'...? You mean to tell me that was inappropriate?"

Hack, Cough

Robin knew that he was knee deep in Minerva dung for the second time in one day and he was just screwed.

"I'm sorry! It was all in good fun yeah? I never thought you'd actually-"

"One moment. If you taught me this slang, then you must consider us intimate friends?"

Maribelle seemed to soften at this and Robin needed to play off of it if he was going to live.

"Uh... Yes! Of course we are! We're as intimate as uh Pirates and their booty!"

"I'm afraid I had no idea! I'm flattered Robin, truly. In that case, I ought have begun my practice with you. Forgive me."

'Forgive me' Things were taking a turn for the stranger, but Robin wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Er well sure I can forgive you if you can find it in your heart to forget that I happened upon you and the other women in the springs."

He was sure that he'd played that one nicely and that he'd be home free.

"Oh Darling, I'm sure you realize that I forgive you, but it will take something a little more to make me forget. After all you did tell me intimate slang that I then used on other people. Maybe if you'd come have tea with me sometime we might be able to talk this over Yeah?"

Robin had recently become aware of the fact that when he was put into a really tight spot he'd tack on the word yeah at the end of his sentence. Now Maribelle took joy in making fun of his grammar quirk and in the fact that he'd be forced to have tea with the woman who he was most afraid of in order to have her forget his little blunder at the springs.

"Of course Maribelle. Tea with you sounds great. Hehehe. Ha...ha."

"Awright then, pet? Everythin' luvverly jubberly, ain't it? 'Ave a bit'a rabbit?"

"MARIBELLE! Stop PLEASE! I can literally hear everything you stand for screaming and dying in agony! Look I'll clear things up with everyone. Okay? I'll take the blame. Just please, please, PLEASE promise you'll NEVER talk like that again."

She just had a crooked grin after this.

"Well, I SUPPOSE if it's that important to you..."

"Thank you"

"Hey, no skin off my arse, is it? I'll shut me north and south!"

"I... definitely did not teach you whatever in the gods names that was. Damnation! Who has done this to you Maribelle?! WHO?!"

"Hm-hm! I'm afraid THAT is my little secret..."

They both went to their respective tents since it had gotten somewhat late after their little conversation. Today was the most queer day that Robin had experienced, as he'd said before. Now he had to have tea with a vicious woman who was probably plotting to tear his throat out right now. Or maybe she was going to poison his tea?! Or maybe she was just being nice to him. PSHAW! Like that would ever happen, I mean why would Maribelle, or for that matter any woman be nice to a man for no apparent reason. Obviously since Robin's genius mind could not decipher why a woman was being overly nice to him, he simply ignored it and wrote down the events of today involving Cherche and Donnel into a journal he started. Hopefully once the Shepherds were all married off, he'd publish the journal in order to immortalize himself as the man who got the legendary heroes of... legend... to marry each other.