WDWG - Chapter 2: Emotions

Despite his exhaustion, Giles was up first. It was that time in the morning when the sky lightened, but the sun hadn't kissed it yet. He stretched and decided he needed to get up and take care of his usual morning routine as best as he could out in the desert. Leaving his tent, he noticed Buffy curled up in the camp chair by the fire. Had she not gone to her tent last night? She looked so peaceful sitting there with her head propped up in the palm of her hand, her blonde hair dangling down covering part of her face. It was times like these that Giles hated himself for his feelings. After all the pain over the years, he wanted impartiality. There was something to be said about Travers' approach - not getting involved beyond where one's duty lie. And he knew after their first meeting back at Sunnydale High that he could not hold her at arms length. There was just something about her that drew him to her in one way or another. He knew she would be extraordinary and he knew he would do anything he could to help her fulfill her destiny. Pulling himself out of his reverie, he went back to the tent, grabbed his sleeping bag, and draped it over Buffy, before heading down the path to answer nature's call. The desert bled it's heat away in the night and it had gotten quite cold.

Upon his arrival back at camp, Giles noticed that nothing had changed. He walked over to the hospital tent where Robin was resting comfortably along with Rona and two other girls. Satisfied with the progress of his patients, Giles moved over to the fire. It had almost burned out so he took some of the remaining firewood and stoked it, making sure that coffee and breakfast could be started later when the group started to stir. He would need to send someone out to gather some more later, especially if they were going to attempt to have a bonfire that evening. Needing warmth, he leaned in warming his hands and as he did so, he looked over at his Slayer sprawling in her chair as she warmed up. There was a world of possibilities open to her now. She could retire and be done with the whole mess - live that normal life she sought after so hard. She could travel the world, hell, she saved it, it was hers to explore. Or she could help establish the new council with him. Her input would be vital. Her personal experience, her knowledge, her physical gifts invaluable. Despite her shortcomings dealing with the Potentials, she was a very good counsellor from which the new Slayers could benefit. She wouldn't have to be in the line of fire anymore, he could finally keep her out of harm's way. Let Faith, Kennedy and the other girls take their turn on the front lines. Faith and Kennedy were up for it with unabashed enthusiasm. Buffy had accepted and embraced her calling but never wanted it. Giles rubbed his hand over the back of his neck and lifted his eyes to her face only to discover her watching him. He froze.

"You look like you are making plans, Giles. Care to share?" She whispered, not wanting to wake the others.

"Not especially, no." He responded dryly, directing his gaze back to the fire.

"Giles, I hate this. Please talk to me." Buffy pleaded as she got up from her chair and walked over to him. She squatted down, took his hand in hers, and looked into his eyes. "I can't do this without you." She whispered gently, harking back to a different time.

Giles straightened up from his perch on a log, but held her gaze. "Buffy, you haven't needed me for a long time. I am sorry that Spike is not here to help -"

He was cut off quickly, "This isn't about Spike, Giles. It's about us. We were a team and you are my best friend. Willow and Xander come first in each others' lives. That's how it should be with us - Watcher/Slayer. We can talk about Spike later. I want to fix what's broken here."

He raised his eyes and looked out into the distance, steeling his reserve. Watcher/Slayer not Giles/Buffy and whatever that would or could mean. He knew he needed to put things right with her; knew he needed her help in the future. He sighed. Once again duty came before his needs. He stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets, and faced her, "Walk with me, Buffy."

She jumped up, and in an attempt to lighten the mood, quipped, "Think there's a Starbucks and a Dunkin' Donuts down the way?"

A small grin started on his lips, "I didn't see any last night, but Starbucks are like mushrooms, they pop up overnight." He deadpanned and walked over to the supply tent grabbing a Gatorade for himself, a Red Bull for her, and a couple of NutriGrain bars for them both. "It's the best I can do at the moment."

She took the highly caffeinated beverage, "You are a god among men, Mr. Giles!" and they started down the path together. After a few minutes walk, they came to a rock formation.

Giles turned to Buffy, breaking the uneasy silence. "The ball's in your court, Miss Summers. I'm listening." He opened the cereal bar and took a bite.

"Okay." She blew out a breath and ran her hand through her hair in a gesture she had picked up from Giles. "I don't want to fight anymore. I didn't in the past. You and I both know life is way too short for us to behave this way after everything we've gone through. I don't know what this is all about. All I know is that we're in charge here and we need to be in sync."

"No, Buffy, you are in charge. You have made that very clear throughout this ordeal..."

"Hello! I believe you were in the war council with me the other evening! We wouldn't have gone through with all of this if it hadn't been blessed by you, Giles. Yes, I led it. I am the Slayer." She moved in front of him. "Giles, previously you told me to take charge. I did. I messed up. I was voted off the island. You were part of that. It hurt badly, but it's over and done. I forgave and we need to move on."

"It's not that easy for me anymore, Buffy. I am not a robot to be turned on when you need advice and discarded when you feel you don't. Or worse: belittled or threatened when it's not the advice you want. I need more."

She closed her eyes wrapping her arms around her torso and leaned against the rock formation. She didn't want to see it, but she had done exactly that several times. Of course, his sarcasm and snarky remarks hit their targets, too. Resisting the urge to lash out and count his wrongs, she gently offered, "You're right, Giles. You deserve more than that. I'm sorry to have made you feel that way. Please, I meant it when I said you are my best friend. I miss you." She shifted into an open stance slightly defeated, her eyes pleading for his forgiveness.

She saw his gaze soften and rushed into his opened arms, finding the safety and security she longed for. The same feeling she got when she was in his arms after her resurrection and again when Giles came back to confront Willow in the Magic Box. She finally felt complete. How had she lost this?

Giles never felt more content than on those rare occasions he held his Slayer. Part of him hated himself for betraying his hurt feelings, but there she was, his beautiful Buffy in his arms. Away from everything - civilization, the problems of the real world, the others - he could pretend she was his. He felt her trembling in his arms and looked down. At that moment, he felt the front of his shirt dampening. "Buffy?"

"Sorry, Giles. I guess it's all catching up with me." She didn't let go, so he continued to hold her as the sky changed color to warm golds, oranges, and purples.

"Look, Buffy." He nudged her to show her the sunrise, without breaking their embrace. "It's a new day. We really made it. No more darkness. I promise." She turned her head, looked to the east and cried bittersweet tears. Giles held her tightly in his arms, periodically wiping away the errant droplets. He knew long before now that he wasn't going to let her go and that he would be there for her in any capacity she wanted him. She was his anchor and he was miserable without her. Their separation over the last two years had been so very hard on him.

After some time, she pulled back a few inches, "Your shirt." She said.

Giles looked down. His chest was thoroughly drenched but he didn't care. He looked at her, his left hand on her back rubbing lazy comforting circles. "Do you know what you want to do now, Buffy? The world is at your feet. You can do anything you want."

She let out a disbelieving laugh, "I don't know, Giles. I'm still somewhat shell shocked. I imagine we all are. Right now, I just want to make sure we're ok. Then we should get the girls back to their families, if they still have them. See if we can get some money from an insurance claim on the house. But, the destruction will probably be deemed "an act of God", so there is little hope there. Then I'll need to find a place to settle and get a job so I can get Dawn back in school after the summer. Other than that, I was kinda hoping to avoid the whole responsibility thing for awhile. But I know that's a bit of a pipe dream." She couldn't let him down again by avoiding her non-slaying duties. She couldn't lose him again.

Her Watcher remained quiet in thought. The sun was up now and he reluctantly broke the embrace. "I imagine folks will start looking for us if we don't head back."

Buffy felt adrift for the moment, but steered the conversation back around. "Let them look, Giles. I'm enjoying the Watcher-Slayer bonding time. Do you want to continue down the path?"

"Maybe just a little further. We don't have enough water with us to go much further with the sun climbing." He compromised. His Slayer took his hand and led him along the way, lacing her fingers through his. He stared at their hands as he followed along, wondering what was going on, but enjoying the intimacy that went with it.

They reached an old stream bed against another towering rock formation. Buffy let go of his hand and they made themselves comfortable. They talked about recent events, including Angel's visit to bring her the amulet and how she couldn't let him be her champion. His calling was elsewhere. Spike had no other direction than what was happening with her in Sunnydale. The choice had been clear.

"Do you think you will go to Angel now?" Giles questioned almost through gritted teeth.

"No, I pretty much ended it. I don't know why, Giles, but I gave him a tiny bit of hope." Buffy admitted. "I guess after all we've been through, I just didn't want to see him hurt. He might see the crack in the door, but it will never open further. He was my first love. I guess you hang onto a part of that forever. But he's right, he's not getting any older. You'd think he'd mature some having witnessed so much in the past 200 and something years. His jealousy fit over Spike was rather pathetic."

Giles cringed, not wanting to discuss Buffy's past lovers. "And Spike?"

"Spike." She clapped her hands together once and looked around. "When the amulet went into sunburst mode, I walked over and told him I loved him." She noticed Giles stiffen in his stance. "He told me I didn't. And he was right. Not in the way he wanted me to love him. He was there for me, though, every step of the way."

"Leaders don't just surround themselves with yes-men, Buffy. They need to be challenged to succeed as well. Just because there is a differing opinion, doesn't mean that one is not there for you." Giles countered wisely, ducking his head, and placed his hands in his pockets.

"See, this is why I need you. To offer that kind of advice when needed." She grinned sheepishly.

"I seem to recall being threatened and turned out."

"Yeah, I suck." She whispered staring at her hands, tears forming in her eyes again. "I push against the ones that mean the most. Why do I do that, Giles?"

He looked at her as she raised her head imploring him with impassioned eyes. He pulled her into another hug. "I don't know, love. I don't know."

Buffy didn't miss the term of endearment. She stiffened somewhat in his embrace and looked up just as he was about to settle his cheek on top of her head, his lips a couple of centimeters away from hers. Feeling the tension between them, they leaned in further, breaths mingling while their hearts beat erratically. There was a slight hesitation on both their parts when they heard Dawn call frantically, "BUFFY? Buffy where are you?"

Buffy and Giles sprang apart and he immediately turned from her. 'What the hell was that?' he wondered running his left hand through his hair, right hand behind his back.

Buffy watched him straighten up, her heart pounding wildly, and felt horribly disappointed at the loss of contact. She'd been about to kiss Giles! She composed herself and called back, "Over here, Dawn."

"There you are. You didn't show up in the tent last night. I got worried. Have you seen... Giles?" Dawn asked slowing down as she caught sight of the Watcher a few feet away.

"Yeah, I stayed up and kept watch over the camp last night after talking with Xander about Anya. I was sorta juiced after all the action yesterday. I'll probably crash for a few hours later." She covered.

"Good morning, Dawn. Did you sleep well?" Giles asked politely approaching her, hands shoved deeply into his pockets, desperately avoiding eye contact with Buffy.

"I slept since I was pretty wiped, but sleeping on the ground blows. I think I found an indentation of a rock around my left kidney. We should have taken more cots." She complained. "Anyway, breakfast and coffee are on. Robin is up and walking around in some pain, Willow and Kennedy are arguing about something, and Andrew is melting down. Business as usual, I guess."

The three started the trek back to camp, the girls walking side by side with the contemplative Brit bringing up the rear. Buffy turned to look at Giles hoping to catch his eye and motion for them to talk some more, but he was watching the ground lost in thought.

Dawn prattled on as they walked back but neither Buffy nor Giles paid much attention. As they entered camp, they were surrounded and bombarded by questions of what was going to happen next. Giles walked past Buffy and Dawn, ignoring the younger Slayers. Xander handed him a plate with breakfast on it and he marched over to his tent, crawled in, and closed the flap. All eyes moved to Buffy who just shrugged, grabbed a cup of steaming coffee and walked into the hospital tent to see how Robin and the others fared, even though the only thing she wanted to do was rush over to Giles' tent and have it out with him. He'd been about to kiss her and she wanted him to. She'd had fuzzy feelings for him since before Riley left all those years ago. No, she admitted to herself, she fell for him at Prom, but the timing never worked out. She hadn't let herself think about him in that way in a long time. Maybe she acted subconsciously? No. She felt complete in his arms. It was such an amazing feeling, like waking up after a particularly harrowing nightmare knowing you were alive and safe. And what about Giles? What was he doing? Probably reacting to the extreme emotions of dealing with the First and suffering with a bout of survivors guilt. They would either ignore it or logically explain it away. That was their way. But, that was not what she wanted. She realized that she wanted him. She wanted everything.

Once in the infirmary, Buffy spoke with Robin and the injured slayers. Things were healing nicely and hopefully they could abandon camp for more favorable accommodations in the next day or so. As she left the tent, Willow tentatively approached.

"What's with Giles, Buffy?"

"Beyond the obvious? I'm not sure, Will. Look, I was up keeping watch and am beat. The coffee was weak and I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Can you wake me in a couple hours? Also, let the gang know so that the noise can be kept to a minimum. A tired Slayer is a -"

"Cranky Slayer." Willow finished. "Sure, no problem." She watched Buffy walk off as Xander sidled up to her.

"I feel a big bout of Watcher/Slayer angst heading our way."

"Yeah, kinda makes you miss the Big Brewin' Evil, huh?" Willow responded.

"Ya know, it kinda does."

Buffy crawled into her tent and took her pillow in her arms. Damn if these tears wouldn't stop. She had no idea what the hell was going on with Giles. Everything was in flux. She knew that things needed to be taken one day at a time, but she needed to look to the future as well. She needed her mentor. Her stalwart. Deep down she saw him floundering much like she was, and it was scary. Just as they seemed to be making headway into fixing some of the things that were broken in their relationship, a wrench was thrown into the works to complicate things. 'Oh Giles!' she thought as she finally reached the peak of her exhaustion and passed out.