Rae put Finn to bed and then soon ventured home, knowing Chloe and the others would want to go on a mad one in Chop's honour - and Rae was in no mood to stay out till dawn. She entered the flat and slipped off her shoes, letting her feet breathe with a content sigh. All stress and tension ran from her shoulders and she could finally breathe. She could see from the hallway that in the living room there was no signs of life, not even the light was on. The only light to be seen was coming from the kitchen, she felt an itch of annoyance - the little coward had been hiding there all day.
She made her way straight through and there he was, sat at the kitchen table and downing a glass of God knows what - it looked strong judging by the auburn tinge to it. From the restless night she previously had mixed with the whole ordeal; her emotions were at an all time high - But she was unsure as to what to do with them. So, she simply asked, "Where've y' been?" Without looking up, he just shrugged and spoke with a half-arsed tone, "'Ere", She scoffed, "Y' mean t' tell me y've been 'ere all day?" "Yep", He spoke, as if it were a matter-of-fact before downing another glass. She didn't respond, she couldn't - what could she respond to that with, exactly? She was angry, never felt an anger like it but kept her anger down to the pit of her stomach and simply wore a frown to show her suddence annoyance. Al picked up on her scold and asked, "Wha'?" She shook her head, "Y' unbelievable", It was now his turn to frown, "And wha's tha' supposed t' mean?" "Wha' I say, I actually can't believe y' never came", He took a moment before, suddenly, he sniffed and his face screwed up as he whimpered, "I couldn't do it, Rae, I couldn't."
But Rae wasn't believing it, not for a second. There was something he was holding back, something that had stopped him from attending. She searched his face for any clues and came back with one conclusion that forced her to ask, "Y' know who killed him, don't y'?" He answered with a whimper and a sniff, which infurated Rae and she screamed in his face, "Don't y'!?" Al couldn't keep it in and he simply screamed back, "YES!" Although Rae knew that he knew, well she had a hunch, she still couldn't help but stare in horror. She then took a moment before her voice quivered, "Y' mean t' tell me y' know who killed Chop and yet y' 'aven't told anyone?" Al shook his head, "I can't, Rae, I can't", She then seethed, "An' why not?" "Why don't y' ask Finn ay!? Or Archie!? They know too", He cried. "Cause am not askin' them, am askin' y'", She spat, almost like a mother asking her child who booted the football into the neighbour's window and Al being the child, blaming one of the other kids in his little gang.
The tension laid on thick as they found themselves in a silence, only for a brief moment to let Al top up his drink and down it. He then continued, "We all agreed not t', Rae, no matter wha'. No matter whether we're not speakin', whether we fuckin' 'ate each other; we've all said we're sayin' nowt. It's a rule we made up three years ago, tha' as brothers we 'ave each other's backs", And that's when it clicked for her, it turned her stomach and she could feel the acidy bile burn her throat, "... Y're a coward", His head shot up and he snapped his gaze onto her, asking in disbelief, "Wha'?" She then shook her head and just couldn't hold it in, "Y'. Are. A. Fuckin' coward and the fact y' bringin' Finn into it..." He scoffed and sarcastically retaliated, "Oh, yeh, forgot Finn's so fuckin' perfect", "S'not wha' I meant", He stared at her for moment before looking away, "Could've fooled me."
Rae felt cornered, typical Al - doing everything he could to take the heat off him. And once again, something inside her snap; as if she was finally waking from her love induced coma (Cringe.) She didn't love Al anymore, she was only with him because it was all she had known for the past two or so years and the thought of someone else taking an interest in her made Rae crease with laughter. So, she simply turned and headed for their bedroom. Al stayed still for a moment, unsure of where she was going. He then rosed to his feet and followed, entering the bedroom to see her packing an overnight bag. He stayed in the doorway and felt as if his limbs were glued to the air, keeping him that one spot, "Rae?" Rae knew that tone, the tone that had stopped her leaving a thousand times before. But this time, it just sounded fake. His tone was what pushed her, made her solider on.
He made no attempt to move, to pull her into an embrace and to stop her. Instead, he just watched her pack, made sure she had everything and then scarper - not looking back. Al waited for the sound of the front door to open and shut before retreating to the kitchen to grab his scotch glass and bottle of alcohol. He then returned to the bedroom, switching on the stereo to hear the soft lulls of Elvis' 'Are You Lonesome Tonight'. Ironic. He placed the glass and bottle down on the bedside table and took a swig of drink before he let out a saddened and tiredsome sigh, he placed the glass back down on the table and then sat on the bed. He slowly slipped off his shoes before laying down and turning onto his side; staring blankly at the empty bedspace beside him.
It didn't hurt. It wasn't painful. But it wasn't easy. It wasn't that he didn't love her, he loved her more than he had ever loved anybody but he knew that when someone didn't belong to you then you let them go, you set them free and if that they did belong to you then they'd return and if they didn't...
They weren't your's to begin with.
Rae couldn't think of a better place to be than home, she needed the comfort only her mother and bed could bring. Linda knew, knew from the frightened look in Rae's eyes and the bag in her hand that she was coming home; whether it was for good Linda was unsure but she knew a grilling was something that could be kept for a few days. Linda just spoke a gentle 'C'mon' And led Rae straight to Rae's bedroom - which welcomed her with open arms. Linda left Rae be to go make a cup of tea, some toast and to let her get settled.
Rae did her usual routine of when she was sad, swap her suddenly uncomfortable clothes for her old and worn monkey pyjamas, put on the old mixtape Finn made for her all that time ago and climb slowly into bed - the weight of her problems heavy on her shoulders. Although Finn was a painful reminder of how badly she had fucked up, the mixtape he had made her for her 18th was something that would give her an instant feel of calmness. But she always fell asleep before the last song, but as she hadn't been to her mum's in so long she'd forgotten to rewind it, so it was a surprise to hear Finn's voice suddenly appear through the soundwaves of the tape, "Look, don't think am a dickhead for doin' this but... I erm, wrote a song and yeh... Y' laughin' aren't y'? Knew I shouldn't 'ave done this", He mumbled the last part, as if arguing with himself. She gave an eyeroll and an inward giggle at his awkward ramblings, well he certainly hit the nail on the head when he said he were no good with speaking. She then averted her attention back to the tape as she heard a sigh and Finn's voice one more, "Y' know wha', fuck it, am gonna sing it. Just don't take piss when y' see me yeh?"
Now that explains why he was weird the following day when they went the pub...
(AU NOTE: I know, I know that it is a cringy thing when author's put in lyrics but this song fitted perfectly and well... I'm a sucker for this romance bullshit. By the way, I know I haven't wrote this song but just pretend I - well Finn - has. Ok, continue...)
She nestled her head into her pillow as she heard him cough, count himself in and then the strings of his acoustic pour out the speakers; before he then began to sing;
"Girl, you've been forgetting just how
special you really are;
and I try to remind you sometimes I can't find you.
But the truth is in your heart, so write a note to yourself.
Girl, don't beat yourself up, your best is
good enough. So pick the pen up,
and write a note to yourself.
A note to yourself; and don't be cruel,
'Cause things do happen and you know
it's not your fault, don't cover your wounds
with the salt.
Girl, let me tell you what I see.
You've got to believe me, you're a thing
of beauty. Girl, put it in an envelope.
Put it in the post, it'll come back to
your door.
And read a note to yourself,
note to yourself and don't be cruel.
'Cause things do happen, and you know
it's not your fault.
Don't cover your wounds with the salt
And write a note to yourself, and read a
note to yourself. A note to yourself..."
The last chord struck a nerve with Rae and she suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to cry, scream, lash out, etc. Why hadn't she seen it before? Saw through his dickhead act to see that he liked her? Now, she knew that before the song he did like her - otherwise he wouldn't have wanted the affair - but as much as to write a song for her? Well, she wasn't entirely sure whether that song was for her - but it wouldn't have made sense if it was for Chloe but on a tape he made for her. Rae had to admit, Finn's ability to come up with such incredible lyrics but then unable to form a proper sentence was amazing to her - and to be honest talking was a lot easier than putting a song together. God, she couldn't believe how amazing she had actually fucked things up for herself. There she had her boy best friend who was kind, loyal - bit grumpy - and loved her no matter how much of a dick she was and no matter what she weighed or wore. She wasn't too sure whether it was too late to talk it over with him, but considering the current situation - it could be left until another time. She hated how only now, after all this time, she was confident that she loved him. She was infatuated with him, and it was only now she realised it. The sudden realisation felt like taking the first gulp of air after being underwater for a while, he was her lifeline and anchor; all at the same time. How could she have been so blind, so stupid?
Rae averted her gaze onto her bedroom door as Linda walked in, a plate of toast in one hand and a mug of milky tea in the other. Linda placed them down on Rae's desk before moving over to the bed, Rae sat up and crossed her legs; giving Linda some room to sit down. Linda wasn't one for beating around the bush and it was proven when she straight up asked, "So, 'ow were the funeral?" Rae shrugged, "S'alright, beautiful actually. Well as funeral's go", Linda couldn't attend as she had to cover a shift. There was a long pause before Linda asked, "An' 'ave y' spoke t' Finn?" Rae felt her breath catch in the back of her throat, his name being spoken by another person hurt more than Rae expected. She then stared at a spot on the floor and spoke as if she were speaking her thoughts, "I fucked up, mam", She and Linda looked at each other before Rae continued, "I mean I really fucked up", Rae broke the eye contact as she let out a sniff before whimpering and looking down at her hands. She let out a scoff that followed with a bitter laugh as she wiped away her tears, "God, am such a dick. Best mate just died and am cryin' over Finn", Linda cracked a smile, "Cryin' over a boy? Bloody hell, Rae, 'ave I taught y' nothin'?" The pair shared a laugh before it grew quiet.
One thing you can never replace, is the bond of a mother and a daughter. Some are not fortunate to experience this, and others couldn't see their lives any other way. Linda wasn't just Rae's mother, but her best friend, her soul mate - but in the different way to the way Finn was. Although Rae's recent sudden close bond with her dad, Rae knew she would always be a mummy's girl. Another person Linda took under her wing and mothered was Finn, Finn was the son Linda so desperately wanted a bond with but never got as Rae's older brother wanted nothing to do with both Rae and Linda - so Finn was the next best thing. Now, although Linda had an opinion on everything - and was usually right - she kept it all to herself unless asked or feeling the urge and need to butt in. So, the moment Linda laid her eyes on Finn; she knew there was something special about him. As cheesy as it sounded, Linda knew Finn was pointed to the direction of Rae by the hands of fate.
Linda knew Rae needed a good sleep, so she left her be. But she wasn't going to leave this, hence why she found herself driving round to Finn's - sneaking Rae's key - Three afternoons later. She entered the flat and instantly felt the sadness and grief. If it weren't for the dim glow of the sun pouring through the windows of the flat, she'd be in darkness. She saw the living room in total darkness and decided to head for the kitchen, but that was also empty. She shrugged off her coat and bag, draping her coat across the back of a dining chair and placing her bag onto the table. She then headed for the first bedroom she saw that had light coming from it, which she judged to be Finn's - and she was right.
He was sat on the edge of the bed, still in his funeral suit minus his suit jacket, staring blankly at the wall. He didn't flinch when she entered the room or question why she was there - almost as if he were stone. Linda felt something kick at her chest and had only ever seen him so sorrow before - when his mother had died. Linda moved over and to in front of Finn, kneeling down before him and on the floor. She scanned his blankless expression and judging by the glazed over eyes and the drooping mouth; he had hit the hard stuff early that morning.
She placed a gentle hand upon his knee and softly cooed, "Finn, darlin', it's me, Linda", He then slowly looked at her before slurring, "Chop's dead", He then sniffed and scrunched his face up as he sobbed, "Chop's dead", And that's all he could manage to say in his heart-broken and drunken state. She could see the the pattern beginning to form and knew this proccedure all too well. She then spoke in a childish tone, as if speaking to a three year old, "Right, Finn, sweetheart am gonna ring a friend of mine and he's gonna help y' ok?" Finn's face contorted once more as he slurred, "I want Chop", He cried as he threw a tantrum.
She knew she was going to get no sense out of him, so, she rose to her feet and quickly left for the kitchen and over to the phone - knowing she couldn't leave him alone for too long. She picked up the house phone from the wall and dialed Stamford's Mental Health Unit's number - a number she knew off by heart. She asked for Dr. Meadows, a friend and also the doctor that first diagnosed Finn. Linda explained everything and Dr. Meadows said he'd be there within an hour - enough time to get Finn sobered up - and until then; keep Finn out of any harm as best as she could.
From the moment Linda hung up, she poured a pint glass of water, grabbed a large pan from underneath the sink and shot back into Finn's bedroom. As caring and as sensitive Linda was, she was no walkover and she definitely didn't take any shit. Which is why she handed him the water and demanded he took a sip, he needed to sober up rapidly and get himself together - none of this moping about bullshit. "Wha's this?" He slurred, "Vodka", She quipped, a little white lie wouldn't hurt and judging by the state he was in - he most definitely wouldn't be able to taste the difference. She placed the pan on the floor and then scrambled his drawers before pulling out a fresh pair of PJs, she folded them up and placed them onto the bed. Once seeing he had drunk half of the pint, she took the glass off him and placed it onto his bedside table. She then kneeled down down and slid off his shoes before then undoing his pants and sliding them off - she'd seen old naked men and women due to her work so undressing Finn wasn't alien to her. She grabbed the PJ pants and helped him into them. She then worked on his shirt and tie, before putting the PJ top onto him. She screwed his suit into a ball and chucked it into his washing basket that was already overspilling with clothes, which Linda made a mental note of to collect and clean for him later.
Once he was changed and the crying had stopped, Linda helped him into bed; settling him, "Right, Finn, there's y' drink there and there's a pan on y' floor if y' feel sick. Shout me if y' need me as I'll be in the kitchen", She waited a moment or two for a response, but got nothing more than a sniff and a blank stare. She hesitated for a moment before leaving him be and heading for the kitchen, the kettle a sudden occupant of her mind.
"Ok, so Finn Patrick Nelson. Born 9. 11. 80 correct?" The doctor asked Finn, reading off a clipboard upon his lap, Finn sleepily nodded in response; not long been awake. Finn had gotten about three hours of sleep - fear of sleeping for too long and Chop's face appearing. Finn sat on the armchair in his living room, the doctor sat beside him on the couch, and Linda sat beside the doctor. Unfortuntaly this doctor wasn't Dr. Meadows, but a new guy - one that didn't know Finn or how to properly deal with it.
The atmosphere in the room was tense, but Finn was far too tired to notice nor care. He just wanted this man to ask him the regular bullshit, give him an appointment and then leave so then he could go back to bed. Although secrectly he knew that wasn't going to be the case and he may not be staying in his own bed that night. He had a strong, dreaded feeling the hospital would be his new home for the next two or so months, well that or new medication. He silently prayed that the NHS did their regular shit job and he would be placed back in the system, giving him the option of just having out-patient treatment.
"Right, ok. Well listen Finn, I've spoken to Linda over what has gone on and well depending on how your assesment goes today then it will determain whether you'll be admitted or not, ok?" In which Finn nodded, feeling his chest heave heavily. Linda then butted in "No, today somethin' is going to be sorted ok because y'see I work at the hospital and well I can't be here to give 'im 24 hour care. I'm sorry but I have a job and I can't be here to watch him all the time. Neither can his friends as they all have jobs and go t' college, and such", The doctor sighed, giving Finn a sympathetic glance before turning to Linda, "Linda, look I understand that you're frustrated and-" Linda interupted with a scoff, "Understatement of the year", The doctor then gritted his teeth together, "Yes, well today is going to be an assesment to see whether we need to admit Finn or not", Linda shook her head "He has just lost his best mate and has a history of mental illness, and y' saying he needs to be assesed?! What does he need to do to be admitted, actually top himself?! This is ridiculous!" Linda huffed.
The doctor then frowned, "Look, there's no need to get angry with me. Ok, I'm not one of the psychiatrists at the hospital, just a doctor and I'm just here to pre-assess him", Linda then rolled her eyes, "So, let's say y' do "pre-assess" him then what happens? What happens then, where does he go from there?" The doctor then responded with, "Well then I make an appointment for a psychiatrist to come out, who reasses's him himself and then he decides if Finn needs admitting or not", Linda shook her head "No, no, no that's not happenin'. Like I said, I can't watch him 24/7. Now y' listen to me, y' get on the phone to Dr. Meadows and y' get him t' come out today I didn't make a promise t' Finn's mother t' watch over 'im for nowt", The doctor was taken aback. He then began filing through some papers, mumbled to himself, pulled out a card with a number on it, excused himself and left.
Linda then turned to Finn and scoffed "Bloody doctors, think they know everythin'", But Finn said nothing and just stared at the wall.
The pair sat in silent, that is, until the doctor popped his head in, "The best Dr. Meadows can do is the earliest of seven, if that's ok?" Linda spoke over her shoulder, "As long as he's seen today", In which the doctor nodded and left again. Linda then turned back to Finn and sighed "Guess I best go call work and tell them to book me in for a mornin' shift tomorrow instead", Linda then left the room in a huff.
Chloe, who returned from her's only just an hour ago, then popped her head in, "Hey, can I come in?" Not taking his eyes off the same spot, Finn nodded. Chloe timdly wandered in and sat on the couch in the place where Linda sat. She then, hesitantly, asked "How are y' feelin'?" Before she cringed and quickly said "That were stupid of me, I'm sorry. I'll shut up", Finn let out a small but noticeable laugh, "Y' always know what the wrong thing to say is ay, Chlo?" He croaked jokingly, in which Chloe laughed, "That's me for ya".
It then grew silent, Chloe broke it by asking, "Do they know what they're doing yet?" "They're sending out a psychiatrist at seven, who will decide whether I'm going to be admitted or not", Chloe then sucked in a breath, "Are y' ok with that?" Finn scoffed, "Don't have a choice", Chloe gave a sympathetic half-smile, "But at least it'll be good for y'", Finn rolled his eyes, "Didn't work last time", Chloe frowned, "Wha' d'y' mea-" She was interupted by the doctor walking back in.
"Oh sorry I don't mean to interrupt but can I have a private word with Finn please?" He formally addressed to Chloe, in which Chloe rose to her feet and quickly scarpered. The doctor then took back to his place on the couch, crossed his legs and hands in a formal manner before staring at Finn. He used to hate being under doctor's watch and scrutiny but he'd seen so many, he was used to it by now.
The doctor then broke the silence and spoke "Listen to me now, Finn. As you are almost 20 you can legally say no to an admittance and ask for out-patient treatment along with an increase in your medication, you don't have to be admitted but we do have to help in some way. We can't leave you the way you are", Finn then sighed, "Wha' d'y' think I should do?" The doctor then took a moment before suggesting, "I say the best option, for now, is to have at home treatment along with medication. What we do is send out a nurse or doctor every 48 hours, then we bump it up to 72 hours and then we take you off the list and keep you on medication until further notice. If you worsen then we think, once more, about admittance", It grew silent as Finn thought it over, the doctor grew slightly uncomfortable with the sudden silence. Finn then stated, "Let's do tha' then", The doctor took a moment, unsure of whether Finn was in the right mind but he went with it, asking just to be on the safe side, "Are you sure now?" Finn then looked him dead in the eyes and nodded, "Postive", The doctor then sighed and began collecting his things together before slipping on his coat and standing,"Right, well it's been lovely to meet you and somebody will be out to see you at seven. Good luck and I wish you all the best", Finn averted his gaze back onto the wall and quipped, "Y' too", The doctor then awkwardly stood and hovered for a moment before leaving.
As soon as the front door opened and shut, Chloe popped her head in, "I've just made some tea and lunch. Y' don't 'ave t' 'ave the food but y' can join us if y' want", Finn looked at her and smiled, "I'm just gonna get a shower and changed and then I'll be through", Chloe smiled, nodded an ok and left - Leaving Finn, the walls and his thoughts filled with ginger hair and green iris's alone.
Rae woke up that morning with the same guilt and dread, but decided that today she was going to get a shower, eat some breakfast and haul-arse to Izzy's - who needed the support more than anyone at the moment. Rae frowned as she entered the living room to see just Karim, it was strange as her mum never worked Fridays, "Karim, where's mum?" She said as clearly as she could, he then began stuttering as he tried to muster up some English for her to understand. She managed to pick up 'Sick' And 'Finn' - Which got her attention straight away. "She's gone round Finn's?" Karim nodded, "Qui", He frowned before correcting, "I mean yes, Finn, she visit", Rae couldn't help but wonder what her mum would want with Finn, she hoped to God it wouldn't be to grill him over what's gone on; not in the state he was in... But then again, Linda was like a mother to Finn; so Rae liked to have thought that Linda had popped round to check on Finn, possibly do some cleaning up for him, etc.
She hoped, anyway.
As Rae got ready that morning, she made a mental to-do-list of things she needed to take care of:
1. Go the book shop to see Archie.
2. Buy some new mascara.
3. See Izzy.
4. Sort this mess out with Finn once and for all (Maybe even confess that she loved him?)
Then again if she was going to "sort things out" With Finn, then she needed to put 'Buy mascara, vodka and condoms' On that list as let's be honest, when had her and Finn ever sorted things out without having a good ol' shag and drinking till they saw double? Or was this mess too tangled and fucked up that even sex and alcohol couldn't sort it all out? Maybe the condoms were wishful thinking.
But as Linda would always say: Better to be safe than sorry.