It was strange going back to college, strange that there always to going to be an empty seat at their lunch table and strange not hearing one of Chop's crappy jokes of a Monday morning. That's all it could ever be described as... Strange. Well, there was two seats empty as Izzy hadn't turned up - then again was everyone really expecting her to?
Speaking of Izzy, it was lunch and Archie asked who was doing the "Izzy shift" Aka who was spending the night in her house. Ever since Chop had passed Josie or Tash would watch over her in the day (Sometimes swap their day shift for the night if any of the gang couldn't make it.) And then the entire gang or just one of them would stay the night. Never had any of them been in such a sad house, making the shift more of a chore than a favour for a friend - but they did it because Izzy was their friend and they owed it to Chop. "It's my turn", Piped up Finn through a mouthful of chicken and bacon sandwich, he swallowed his mouthful of food and turned to Rae on his right, "Er, Rae, listen d'y' fancy stayin' in Izzy's tonight with me? Got some crap new tunes I wanna show y'", He quipped with a smirk, she rolled her eyes before jokingly retaliating, "I will..." Her eyes dropped to his lips before snapping back to his eyes and continuing, "... But only if y' wipe that mayonaise from y' chin", He stared at her, dumbfounded. He then clicked on and blushed as he self consciously wiped his chin and lightly jabbed her side with his elbow, shyly quipping, "Fuck off", Earning nothing but a laugh from her.
Although it had only been six or so days since they forgave each other, Rae and Finn had their bond back. Although the undeniable attraction simmered along the surface between being lovers and friends, they stuck to the friend zone; as if accepting that's all they'd ever be in - and it made them both closer than when they were "seeing" Each other. Admittedly, Finn would have good days and then he would have terribly sad days; and on those days he would spend the night in Rae's. The nights he would spend in Rae's he would turn up on her doorstep, snot running from his nose and an overnight bag over his shoulder, the two would venture upstairs and listen to the most heartwrenching, cry your heart out album... The Queen Is Dead. Good ol' Morrissey, you could always depend on him to deliever the most depressing, heartbreaking, down right depressive songs - how perfect. As much as it killed them to admit it, every day the more they could feel themselves falling in love but they had to remain best friends. As painful it was on both parties, it was far too much of a complicated path to venture down; especially considering Finn was in no good state of mind to discuss any feelings when he was in the stage of being happy as Larry and then crying like a heavily pregnant woman five minutes later. Rae had to admit, whenever he'd have his bad days and he'd come over, and when they would lay in bed the words to discuss and confess everything were always on the tip of her tongue - but her mouth would glue shut and she'd leave it till the next time he was round.
Throughout the remainder of her day, Rae daydreamed over what she'd say to Finn, how she'd say it, etc. Maybe tonight she could've got it out the way, when they were in bed. Maybe when it got to five in the morning and they were worn out from all the talking they'd done before, just maybe... Was it insensitive? To talk about her own feelings and to sort out her own problems at a place where a friend needed her?
Rae pondered on the thought of it all, she went over various scenarios that helped her get through the day; inc. One particular one. It wasn't dirty, and for Rae that was an achievement. It was one where it was getting to that time where both were on the brink of sleep, eyes drooping and voices croaking. Rae could picture him sleepily talking about some bollocks, mainly focusing on his lips and how they moved, she could feel the cool of the sheets and the heat radiating from his skin on her own as the more she grew engrossed into the imagine.
Finn watched her from across the table, frowning as he looked over his shoulder before turning back to her... What the hell could she be looking at? He watched as her eyes glazed over and she would blink ever so slowly every so often, as if her body was a shell and her actual soul was in another realm. Finn had to admit, he'd like to see inside her mind; would like to see what made her tick. He then craned his neck slightly, to make sure their teacher was distracted, before turning his attention back to Rae. He then ripped a piece of paper from his notepad, screwed it into a little ball before biting his lower lip, frowning and shutting one eye and hitting Rae dead-on in the spot between her eyebrows. She frowned before coming to and glaring at him, earning a silent laugh. She stuck him the V, earning another laugh, which earned a kick under the table; which came from Chloe on his left. He looked at Chloe with a frown, annoyed at her interrupting his fun. He gave a head nod, in which she hissed, "Pack it in, dick'ed", He gave an eyeroll, sneaking a glance at Rae who retaliated with the same eyeroll.
Finn then stuck his head back into his textbook, when the same little ball landed in front of him. He felt his lips drop into a lobsided smile, he looked up and she made her fingers into a little goal. She raised her eyebrows at the little ball of paper before back up at him, he scoffed with amusement before checking to see if he was in the all clear. He then bit his lip and flicked the paper, which Rae blocked and he playfully glared at. The game went back and forth for five minutes, with little breaks to check they were safe. Archie then clicked on and mimed wanting to join. Slowly each members of the class finished their work, causing the noise levels to rise. Rae, Finn and Archie's laughter grew louder and the game grew rowdier - until Rae flicked it too hard and it flew off to the seat on Finn's right... Chop's seat. Archie and Rae stayed still, like a deer in headlights, their eyes darting between Finn and the seat; awaiting a reaction - but Finn didn't move or flinch and his eyes remained glued to the seat.
That is, until the bell rang and the bustle of students rising to their feet and quickly making a getaway from the classroom was to be heard. Whilst everyone slowly poured out the room, Rae and Archie hovered as Finn packed away his stuff - Chloe awaited by the door. Finn jumped slightly when he saw that Rae and Archie had waited for him, they never spoke; just gave him a small smile. He joined them as the three headed for the door and left college for the day.
Like it was said; Finn was going to have good days and he was going to have bad days. Finn knew that it never got better, it just got easier.
"And how've you been? You know, since..." Brian waved his hands in a circular motion, trying find the right words to basically, to be blunt, ask Rae how she'd been since Chop died. It was a Tuesday, which meant she was at therapy. Rae couldn't quite understand why Brian didn't just say it, but then again she had a history of mental illness and perhaps he thought that if he actually said the words "Chop" And "Death" Then she could possibly fly off the handle and go apeshit. But she wouldn't. Course she wouldn't, but of course; he didn't know that. So, she went along with it and shrugged, "S'alright, just more concerned over Izzy to be honest", He nodded, taking it in, "And Izzy was his girlfriend?" Rae nodded, "Yeh, for almost three years. Gonna 'ave a baby together and everythin'", A flash of sadness shined in Brian's eyes, "That poor girl, how has she been? You been supporting her?" Rae nodded once more, "Yeh, I mean some days are better than others. But, she's in safe hands", A small smirk twitched at the corners of Brian's mouth as he piped up, "Safe and you don't seem to fit", She gave an eyeroll and an amused scoff.
A moment passed before Brian asked, "You spoken to your gentleman friend?" She frowned, "Who? Finn?" "Ah, that's the one", Rae was still quite not used to Brian's proper way of speaking, sometimes unable to understand his big words - but she went along with it anyway. "Urm yeh, seein' 'im tonight actually", Brian raised his eyebrows at this, Rae shrugged as if it were nothing but couldn't help feel her cheeks suddenly burn. Brian nodded slowly, "Well that's most definitely an improvement, I'm guessing you've talked it out then", She shrugged, "In bits, but I think we've sorta just let it go. No point in holdin' grudges an' all tha'", Brian frowned, taking a moment as he sunk back into his chair. A frown graced it's unpleasant presence onto Rae's forehead at Brian's silent stare; the faint lines hardening the longer she was under his scrutiny.
Breaking the intense eye contact, Rae glanced at the clock on the wall - time was up. She went to announce that exact thought, when she caught a glance of a very familiar mop of brown hair... Was that...? "What?" Asked Brian, causing Rae's line of vision to snap to him. She opened her mouth to answer his question, only to close it again. He awaited an answer, raising his eyesbrows; forcing her mouth to open once more, "Nowt, just thought it were rainin'" It did amaze her the bullshit she could come out with; she sometimes wondered whether she could take telling it up professionally.
Before Brian could give his usual life advice, Rae was already on her feet and out the door; shouting a "See y' Thursday!" Over her backpack clan shoulder. He shook his head and smiled.
Sometimes an hour with her wasn't enough.
Rae was fast on her feet, weaving in-n-out of doctors and patients as she whizzed down the corridor; hoping she wouldn't miss... Well, miss what exactly? Cause surely it couldn't have been him, could it? Perhaps it was somebody with the same hair and the same walk, this was the 90s and bloody Stamford - every lad looked the same.
She bustled out the door and calm to a halt at the top step, a tiny stone toppling over and down the stone steps as her Converse skidded to a stop. Her chest rose before heavily falling again, along with all hope as she scanned the car park; only to find three cars, a bike but no boy with the plaid shirt and that lob-sided grin. If Rae knew, truly knew, that she was imaging it; then why did she feel so disappointed? Alright, maybe she did have a glimmer of hope shine in her eyes that it could've been him - but that hope was soon forgotten and placed with that heavy sad feeling.
Until, "Rae?" Was heard from behind, and there was that hope again. She turned to see Finn sat on the bench, he sent her a grin which was met by a "Wha' y' doin' 'ere?" He shrugged, chucked away the butt he had been nervously inhaling five minutes ago, before rising to his feet and shyly responding; his words tripping over one another, "I urm I just wanted t-t' see if urm-" He then was now a few steps away, he stopped himself before huffing with a laugh, "Oh for fuck's sake look d'y' wanna come for a drive?" Her once smug grin transcended into, somewhat, a look of amusement that hinted "The fuck you on about?" He then moved forward, facing her; not much of a gap between them. His tone was soft as was his gaze, "Look, I were just thinkin', we're not due to Izzy's till eight and well were just wonderin' whether y' wanted t' come for a drive", She stared for a moment, cocking her head to the side slightly as she scoffed, "An' where would we go?" He gave a simple shrug, his idea sounded more and more stupid as the more she questioned him. As if she could almost hear his inner prayers, she turned and began walking ahead. He called out, brow furrowed, "Rae!?" She stopped, turned with a smirk, "Car ain't gonna start itself, dick'ed."
They were soon strapped in and on the go, the passing silence as comforting as the passing scenery. Neither knew where they'd end up, but with the money between them and the time they had spare; they could go far. Really far. Despite the anxiety that twitched at her stomach - the same anxiety that forced her to get off the bus two stops early in fear of going too far - She sunk into her seat and soaked it in as she watched the passing trees and streets, blissfully unaware to the world around her and the nervous eyes of Finn glancing at her every so often.
As nice as the silence was, Rae couldn't handle it for too long and was soon scoping through Finn's tapes from the tape deck. None appealed to her, until one... One that was hid, which made her wonder, why would Finn bury it? Now, Finn may have kept to himself but one thing Finn displayed proudly was his music, so why this was particular tape was hidden was kinda of odd to Rae - especially when he tensed and fidgeted ever so slightly when she took it out from out of the deck.
"Don-" He softly said before stopping himself as she looked at him, cocking an eyebrow, "Wha'?" He shook his head and continued to focus on the road, she pressed; intruiged as to why this tape was so important, "No, go on. Am not gonna laugh", He shook his head, scoffing a small laugh, "Nowt, really, just put it on", She stared, for a brief moment before he pushed; raising his eyebrows and slowly nodding towards the tape player, quickly glancing at her before turning his attention back to the road and growing lost in his own thoughts. Rae timdly turned the tape over and slid it into the player, ever so slowly; giving him time to protest. She would glance every so often, before pressing play and running a tongue over her bottom lip.
She sunk back into her seat, propping her head against the glass of her window before her eyes fell onto the passing scenery, once more. Her ears twitched as the familiar tones of The Velvet Underground was to be heard, the infamous Pale Blue Eyes to be exact. As the dulcet tones replaced the silence they had found themselves in, Rae just couldn't understand why wouldn't he want her to put this tape on. The Velvet Underground were a bloody good band, amazing in fact. The thoughts slowly faded as she rested her head against the headrest and she turned her head; a soft smile tossed between the two. They held their gaze for only a brief moment, before Finn shyly broke it as he turned his gaze back to the road. She kept her gaze on him, only for a second or two longer, before then placing her head back onto the window and watching the blurs of green and tarmac.
The tape wasn't anything special, like none of the songs were anything particularly special. They were just songs. But it was just because of that one song, it was a song that Finn would play whenever he would need a cry. The song that whenever he'd go on a drive, he'd find himself sticking on and become totally lost in the soft sounds of Lou Reed. Lou Reed, his childhood hero - the holy grail of voices. That song, was Finn's song - yet it had no reason to be. Maybe it was just because it was perfect for any drive, a chill drive, a sad drive, sometimes happy as that mixed with the chilled out vibe. Either way, Finn just liked it.
Alright, he liked it because it reminded him of Rae. It reminded him that it wasn't just him that had been through it, that even Lou Reed had been through it. Lou Reed understood him on a level that not even Morrissey could.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
but mostly you just make me mad...
Baby, you just make me mad.
Rae liked the beach. She liked the noise of the waves and the feel of the wind smash her hair against her cheeks. Truth be told, the noise made Finn feel sea sick. But Finn knew, Skegness was Rae's favourite place to be. He couldn't have chose a better place to have drove her to. He knew where he was taking her, but pretending to be as clueless as she on where they were going to venture to made it all that little bit more exciting. As the pair sat on the grass that was perched just before the sand, like the sea before them, Finn picked at the blades of the grass behind his fingertips; pulling it apart out of habit. Rae didn't move. Her eyes only ever flickering whenever a soft breeze of sea salt would wash over their skin.
"I missed ya, y'know", Finn confessed shyly. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before looking at him, her face neutral, "Really?" He looked down at the damp blades of grass in his hands before shrugging and looking up and out; towards the sea, "Yeh! 'Course I did, been dead boring without ya", She gave him a bashful smile and returned her gaze back to the sea, joining him, "I missed y' too, it was weird", She said with a frown, as if the words weren't her own, "I mean I just... I dunno I guess I just missed this", He smiled inwardly before a silence overcame them. A seagull let out a cry above them and Finn tilted his head back to get a better look, the murky fog making it more difficult than what Finn could manage. He couldn't help but feel that nagging feel of sadness and nostalga; the cry of the seagulls and the faint crashing of waves took him back to when he went to this exact beach when he was five - the weekend he and his parents took a spontaneous trip to Butlins which resulted to two scraped knees and a face full of ice cream.
"Y' hair's grown", He mumbled out loud, not realising he'd been staring or had spoken it until she smiled self-consciously and timidly, "D'ya reckon?" He nodded, frowning, "Yeh, sun must have done it", She giggled, "Y' don't 'alf talk some shit, Finn", In which he rolled his eyes and chucked some grass at her - which she retaliated with a gasp and a light jab of an elbow to his side.
As they quietened down, the more Rae stared at the sea and Finn continued to play with the grass, the more they soaked in the feeling of fabric against fabric. The heat against their bones and how they had missed it, although Finn had to admit that the presence of Rae and being beside each other without sex beforehand was weird. It was weird that it could actually mean something without having to get all sweaty and out of breath, and it was weird that it felt nicer than it ever did when they were seeing each other. Of course he still loved her, and probably wouldn't ever stop loving her. But he didn't need to tell her that, or show her, he just needed... This. Whatever "This" Was. He was satisified with the little things and keeping things the way they were. He still, to this day, remembered when he acknowledged that his feelings for Rae were more than friendly.
It was the night of Chop's stupid sexy party that the whole of bloody Stamford ended up at, Finn remembered exactly when he could pinpoint the realisation - Because it was not long after he found out his nana had died. As he and Rae laid side by side, a thin wall of polyester keeping their bodies apart, he pushed the pillow back with two fingers as he continued, "... An' I don't like talkin' t' anybody", Which she pulled a face at. She then scrunched her face up at him, which he couldn't help but replicate - ignoring the kick at his chest when they did so. It wasn't a bad kick, in fact it was a giddy kind of kick. He watched her face disappear for a moment as she turned to check something, which he felt uncomfortable with; an urge of wanting to see her face overcame him - which he couldn't understand why as she was one of his best friends. It was only Rae. But then when she turned back and their eyes connected again, he couldn't help but wonder, "So, are we alright?" Which he hadn't realised he asked, until she nodded and answered, "Yeh, we're alright", This being in referral to him being a tosser to her when he began to notice how brown her eyes really were and that she started using Herbal Essences instead of LoReal. And in the moment she shut her eyes, drifting into a peaceful sleep, he took a chance and reopened his to take a look at her; to see her at rest - That's when he knew he couldn't deny it any longer. That was the exact moment Rachel Earl had him dancing around her little finger.
"I still love y', y'know", He bluntly spoke, now staring outwards. He saw in the corner of his eye her face turn towards his, her body not quite following. He then couldn't help but continue, his mind begging his mouth to close but yet it couldn't; but he still not dare look at her, "An' am sick of pretendin' like I don't, am sick of this friends bullshit and am just..." He sighed heavily, unsure of where he was going with this. He stared at the sea, the words still on the tip of his tongue. What else could he say? Well he knew exactly what he could say, but not all at once; the words overpowering for a man of few words. He then worked up the courage to finally look at her, now huffing, "I love y', Rae, an' it's as simple as tha' and I don't 'ave a fuckin' clue why am tellin' y' but I am and well... It's as simple as tha'", She shook her head, "But it isn't as simple as tha', is it? It's... It's differen't now, Fi-" "Oh, cut the bullshit, Rae. Just... Just stop it, yeh?"
The pair were unsure, but they could feel the anger rise. Finn then snapped, "Why are y' such a total dickhead, Rae?" She scoffed, "I don't know", Finn then bit back, his voice wavered, "Y' were 'orrible t' me, a real fuckin' dick, Rae and I may 'ave been a twat t' y' but it was nowhere near as bad as wha' y' were t' me", She glared at him, "An' wha Chloe's been a saint?" He said nothing, they fell into a moment of silence before Rae confessed "Look, am sorry. I made a mistake..." She then whimpered as she continued, "I made a mistake, wha' d'y' want me t' say?" Again, silence. They both stared out into the sea, the noise of the waves making up for the loss of words between them both. He didn't know why he had his sudden outburst, but Finn knew it needed to be said - it was only right it was here. He hadn't exactly planned to give her an earful, but it felt right.
"I'm broken-hearted", He said with a tut, almost crossed with himself for even letting the thought pass his lips; forbidden somewhat, "So am I", He then sharply looked at her, glaring, "Why? 'ow the fuck can y' be heart-broken?" She tossed him a scowl, "'Cause I watched, for all them years, Finn, y' and 'er. Y' an' 'er be so fuckin' 'appy together when tha' should've been me and y' and y'know it!" He then bit back, the tone in both his and her's voice rising, "Y'know y' 'ad y' chance, Rae!" She then shouted, "Excuse me!? When the FUCK 'ave I ever 'ad a chance with y'!?" A row then kicked off between the two.
And that's when he grabbed her by the back of the neck and kissed her, pouring his heart and soul into it. His tongue mixing with her's and speaking more than their arguing did. He then pulled away, rubbing her cheek with his thumb and resting his forehead on her's, "Let's go", "Home?" He shook his head, "No, I mean let's go. Let's go 'ome, pack and then go. Me and y'", She scoffed and pulled her head back slightly, his burning stare told her that he was completely serious. She gave a look that was followed by a head shake and a pulling away, she stared out towards the sea as she quipped, "Y' off y' 'ed y', Finn Nelson", He gave her a small smile before he pressed, "C'mon, I mean why not?" "Lemme think urm she's brunette, tall, ski-" "Wha' Chloe!? Rae don't be soft, c'mon, let's just go", Rae folded her arms, "Go where exactly, Finn? Where would we even stay?" He shrugged, "I dunno, we'd find somewhere. But let's do it, alright, forget everyone else, Rae. Cause right now, it's about us and this", He spoke, pointing back and forward between them.
Rae stared at him, the fire in his eyes ignighting as the more he became engrossed into the idea and the more it grew. He was completely off his nut. But Rae had to admit, the idea tempted her. And as much as she would've liked to have done it, the actual reality overtook the excitement - it just wasn't properly structered. And although Rae knew that this was just on a wing and a prayer and the whole point of it being spontaneous; it was literally too impossible to go ahead with and she knew they'd be home within a week - if that.
As Rae thought it over, she could see it; like actually see it - like a film. She could see them rushing into her's, a mess of giggles and sharing kisses as they would race to her room and shove all her most needed belongings into her backpack before scarpering back outside, climbing into his car and headed towards a life of a drafty flat, 9-5 jobs and happiness. Although the daydream of her and Finn being five years older and drunkenly dancing to one of their old Vinyls just because they could and they were happy and they had survived five years together; Rae just couldn't find herself saying yes. That three letter word refused to leave her tongue. The three letter word that had stopped her from so many things.
Instead, she found herself rising to her feet and jokingly quipping, "Think we need t' get y' 'ome, the sea air 'as gone straight t' y' 'ed."