Izzy was staring at the wall. She wasn't sure how long she had been staring, but knew it had been for a while as the pattern was making her eyes cross and vision blur as they trailed over it. She wondered whether she could stay in this spot forever and not move. But not today, today Tasha was forcing her to get out of bed. In Izzy's defence, she didn't spend all her time in bed as some days she would venture downstairs and claim the couch. That's where Rae and Finn would always find her, find her wrapped in a bundle of blankets what Rae called "The cucoon of sadness" Which Finn would say it looked more like a burrito and it would never fail to make Izzy smile.
But there was no signs of a smile on her face today. In fact, she was quite blank today. She was tired, but then again she was always tired. Too tired to get out of bed and get ready, and definitely too tired to face anybody. But Tash took no shit, bustling into the bedroom and barking orders at Izzy; who said nothing and laid still. Well, still until Tasha ripped the blankets off of Izzy, spoke about running a bath for her and she better be up by the time Tasha came back. Izzy obeyed, moving as slowly as could but she still did what she was told.
And soon, Izzy was bathed, dressed and in the car. Izzy wondered that maybe when Tasha dropped her off that she could possibly just return home, but truth be told Izzy would rather face the sad stares then be on her own in that house. As Tash pulled up on a curb, outside the Sayers round the corner from the college, Izzy turned her attention to the passerbys and stared. That's all she seemed to do. Izzy never used to be able to quite understand why Finn or Al would always stare, but now she found it so interesting; more interesting watching from afar instead of gabbing away and not paying much attention.
It took a good coaching from Tash and ten minutes of taking deep breaths before Izzy finally worked up the courage to get out of the car, but once she was out and onto the high street; it actually wasn't that bad. As it was said that Stamford was big as it was small, news travelled fast and it was like living in a goldfish bowl most of the time; so it was no surprise that near enough the whole of the high street turned and glued their eyes to Izzy - as if watching a really sad and intense film. But she didn't care, they could stare and they could whisper; it was their fucking problem. Not Izzy's.
The more the stares burned into her, eyes dancing over her pale skin, Izzy had decided she was fed up of hiding. Fed up of burying her head in the sand. She may not have had her brightest yellow dress on or her barbie pink lipstick, but she still had her smile and she wore it bigger than ever as she passed by everyone; heading for the cafe where Izzy had arranged to meet the others. Izzy just thought there no point hiding or avoiding it as it was out in the open, it wasn't a secret; Chop was dead and although it hurt, tore a hole in her chest that she couldn't repair, she decided to puff out that damaged chest of her's and keep her chin up.
She could hear the familiar beats of 'Mersey Paradise' By The stones as she walked up to the caf' window, scanning inside to find a scene that made something twitch within her chest; something happy. Rae, Archie, the lads' mate Barney, a girl she knew from college named Emma, and another girl from college named Nancywere on a table of their own to the left of the table that Johnny, Brogan, Chloe and Finn occupied. They were laughing and Izzy couldn't help but envy them, envy their ability to laugh and put on a proper smile; not like the one she used to reassure everybody that's she wasn't completely miserable.
As Izzy pushed aside the tight and unpleasent feeling in her chest, she made her way inside the cafe; cursing the little ding of bell above the door - as if she didn't want everyone to know she was there. Not just yet. "Ok, now y' talkin' bollocks!" Spoke Johnny, which then Barney began talking even more bollocks than he originally conqured up; in a way to defend his case. Izzy wasn't quite tuned in to what they were talking about, but her need to pay attention didn't matter anymore as once Chloe noticed Izzy had now walked over; the rest of the others followed Chloe's gaze and all greeted Izzy with a shit-eating grin but the same look flickered in their eyes - sympathy.
Izzy took place in the empty seat next to Johnny, which Finn then leaned sidewards and called out behind Chloe, "Trace! Can y' do Iz a cuppa? Two sugars? Cheers, darlin'!" He gave a half-assed thumbs up and a lazy wink before turning back to the others. Izzy felt an annoyance towards Finn, she didn't need special treatment. Sure, it was a nice gesture and all but when Rae was released from hospital they didn't treat her any different; so why should Izzy be the one who was being treated as if she was made of glass? She wasn't going to cry if one of them cracked a joke, she wasn't going to angrily flip over a chair (A table a little too much.) If one of the girls asked her about the latest issue of Just17 and she most certainly wouldn't throw a tantrum if one of them didn't offer her a cuppa.
"So! Wha's everyone talkin' about?" Johnny rolled his eyes before quipping, "Barney's talkin' bollocks, basically", This earned a groan from the others, all bar Izzy and Barney. Barney then piped up, their argument being out of who was the better lyricalist - Tupac or Nas. Barney said Nas and near enough everyone else sided with Johnny and said Tupac. Finn took a swig of his cherry vimto with amusement at the debation before him, trying to ignore the tingling sensation and the taste of Rae's chapstick.
The moment Archie then piped up, "I can't be the only one who thinks that Biggie shits over them both", The gang fell to a silence, tossing a look between each other before all groaning and protesting; even earning a chip being chucked at him by Chloe. They discussed the matter further, till Emma decided she'd had enough of boy talk and gushed about the latest Brookside episode - earning a moan and groan from the boys. Nancy threw an eyeroll as the lads began talking about Robot Wars (Despite all being nearly 20, Robot Wars was the coolest shit ever. Like Pokemon kind of cool.) And how fit the new presenter was on The Big Breakfast, the blonde one with the big tits. Chloe smacked Finn's knee at this. Rae, Emma and Nancy couldn't help but laugh before Nancy began fawning over Brian Harvey from East 17, which Rae argued that - if it were life or death - then Terry was well fitter; which Chloe agreed with. That earned a glare from Finn. Towards Chloe or Rae, he wasn't quite sure.
As Brogan was currently telling Chloe to check out track 3 on Now That's What I Call Music 43 as it was a "Belter." And Johnny was arguing with Archie and Barney over something or other, Finn caught Izzy's eye. He raised his eyebrows and mouthed "Y'alright?" She gave a nod and a small smile, Finn rose his eyebrows once more and amusement twinkled in his eyes, Izzy rolled her eyes but couldn't help giggle at this; which Finn's lips collapsed into a grin of his own. Chloe may have been his girlfriend and Rae may have been his something or other, but none of them were on the level of closeness that Izzy was. Whilst Rae and Chloe would have their silent war for Finn's affection, glares cutting into each other, Izzy would simply come along and stand all over them both - and all she had to do was send Finn a smile.
Although there was a main piece that was missing, painfully reminding everyone each time they looked at the empty space, Izzy liked how normal it all seemed. It took her back to the summer of '97. Like they were all 16/17 again. Rae and Finn fought over music, Chloe and Finn were all loved up, Johnny and Archie ripped the piss out of Barney and the gang discussed utter bollocks. It was nice, simple even and each time a glimmer of sadness would shine in Izzy's eyes; Chloe or Finn would perk up and include Izzy in a conversation over some wank on the telly.
Once Izzy was down to her last dregs of tea and everyone's arse had gone numb, they'd shook a leg and made a move. It was mid-April, yet there was no signs of any "April showers." Spring was well and truly here. The weather was warm, a light breeze soft on their skin and kept them from getting too overheated. Barney asked what did everyone felt like doing which, of course, Finn suggested the pub. But Chloe whinged something along the lines of it was too nice of a day, so if they were gonna go the pub then could they sit outside? Which everyone all agreed on.
Well, all bar Izzy who couldn't stop from the fear and dread of going the pub making her stomach lurch. She wasn't ready. Not yet. The pub was where she got with Chop, where they kissed, where he told her he loved her. The pub was the heart and start of it all, how could everyone expect her to go? Even if they weren't actually going in the pub, they were still going to be within spitting distance of the pile of bricks that held so much emotion for her. Izzy cursed that they were walking, feeling betrayed by her own feet that they were moving and by her own mouth for it not opening and letting her protest against the pub. She kept her head down and did the breathing technique Rae taught her when Izzy started devloping panic attacks two weeks back. Back around the time just before the funeral.
"Y' alright?" Izzy snapped her gaze from the concrete beneath her and up into the warm eyes of Finn, Izzy laid a smile on thick and nodded, "Yeh, just in a world of me own. Y'alright y'know, in y'self?" She asked, desperately wanting the attention to be shifted from her. He gave a nod, "Yeh, am alright, just needed t' get away from Rae and Chloe as they were bangin' on about 'ow much of a bastard Al is", Izzy giggled, rolling her eyes, "Am guessin' he and Rae ain't talkin' still", "Nope", And there was a pause, before Finn asked, "Iz, y' sure y'alright? Y' look a bit pale", She nodded, "Yeh, baby's just playin' football with my bladder", Well, not that wasn't a complete lie as it didn't feel like the little one was doing all kind of crazy stunts within her little tummy. Finn's eyes lit up, always did whenever the baby was concerned, "Really? Like, is it proper kickin' an' tha'?" Izzy nodded and winced, the pain almost as if the tiny member was giving Izzy a boot for telling a sugar-coated truth.
Finn then glanced ahead, his eyes nervous but his face kept nuetral as he asked, "Urm, Iz, I were just wonderin' could I... Y'know..." He glanced from her eyes to her prominent baby bump before back into her eyes; his look now transcended into a timid one, almost like a child awaiting to feel his baby sibling kick for the first time. She then clicked on, "Feel it kick? Yeah! C'mere!" She stopped them both, yanking his hand and planting it onto her tummy; taking him by surprise. He did admit, the stares of passerbys made his skin itch. Izzy broke his worried and wandering mind as she announced, "Always kickin' and people are like always grabbin' my belly, I swear", Her last words quipped with a hint of humour, but her smile faltered as something flickered in Finn's eyes. Something sad. He looked up, disheartened, "I... I can't feel it", Izzy frowned, but it wasn't a hard frown; more soft. As if she knew he was imaging it to be his own child, and the thought of it not moving or kicking for him made Finn feel something he hadn't felt since finding out Chloe was infertile. Something that made him feel a loss. "It's not moving for me", He finally spoke after a long pause.
Finn held his hand and gaze on the bump longer, almost as if sending telepathic brain waves to the little one; begging it to move. It made him feel terrible, as if it were like his own child rejecting him. About to give up hope, he pulled back his hand with a jolt; as if he'd been electracuted. Happiness brightened the whites of his eyes, "I felt it, it-it kicked", He then placed his hand back onto her bump, not caring about the hard and disapproving stares from on-lookers as it was the first time he'd felt his God child kick.
And that same very happiness kept him awake that night. Chloe wasn't staying that night, had a final A-level that following morning and she also had the Izzy shift - so he could walk around in his boxers till all hours. It was getting to just past four and despite having work at ten, he just couldn't sleep. A sudden inspiration from the kick, the child his new muse as he began to write. The words following gently and so easily from his mouth, as if they'd been itching to be written all this time.
A song for the baby was something he'd been wanting to write for a while, but the words never seem to flow properly. Always coming out either too cheesy or not sensitive enough. It was that kick that kicked his brain into high gear, the green light.
(A/U Note: I know this isn't my song, but I am not a song writer. And, I'm sure Mr. Sheeran won't mind me borrowing his song. And yes, I have adjusted it a bit. Only to make it fit.)
Underneath the bright light of the tv and the dim light of the moon against the curtains, Finn felt at peace as he sung; the words bouncing off the washed out walls as the acoustics of the room echoed his words back to him;
You're just a small bump unborn,
in four months you're brought to life.
You might be left with your mother's hair,
but you'll have your father's eyes.
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can,
but for now you're the scan of her unmade plans.
A small bump in four months you'll open your ey-
Finn cut himself off as he heard the lock of the front door turning and then it being opened, before closing a little too quietly for his liking - almost as if said person was trying to creep in. Who the fuck could possibly be visiting at this time? More importantly, who would want to? Rae maybe? It had to be. He inwardly laughed before jokingly calling out, "An' wha' y' doin' 'ere, soft bolloc..." His words slowly fading as his eyes were now one with the eyes of a killer.
So many questions ran through Finn's mind, how did Al get in? Why was here? How could he dare show his face? One out of the many questions were answered as Finn recognised the monkey key chain. He'd recognise it anywhere.
Rae. If that twat had touched Rae, Finn would skin him alive.
If it weren't for his bone structure and cold eyes, Finn wouldn't have recognised Al. Never in a million. Sure, it looked like Al but a more scruffy, skinnier version. Almost as if Al hadn't eaten for a year and had been living in a youth hostel. Finn felt the anger in his stomach grow from a twitch to a full on wave of resentment. Finn slowly rose, his hand around his guitar tightening. His knuckles grew white and his jaw tightened. Al gave a scoff, "Before y' get y' knickers in a twist, just know am not 'ere t' fight. D'y' want a drink?" He said in referral to the vodka in his hand. Finn said nothing, staring Al down. His anger keeping him still. Al eyed Finn before giving another scoff and heading into the kitchen, returning minutes later with two glasses of vodka and coke.
He placed Finn's down on the coffee table slowly, almost like approaching a sleeping bear and to show he wasn't taking the piss, before taking a seat on the armchair. Finn stood in a silent rage. Afraid to move in case he snapped and punched Al in the jaw. Well, the cunt did deserve it. No, in fact he deserved torture of the worst kind - slow and toe-curling painful. Al took a swig of his drink before landing his gaze on Finn, "Sit down, Finn lad, makin' me nervous", He quipped with a tone that infuriated Finn, it was almost as if he was trying to belittle Finn - In his own flat as well. No, not this time. No bullshit, no beating around the bush, "Wha' d'y' want, Al?" Al paused, his stare wasn't hard or intense but more tired; as if he wanted to avoid all talk of why he was there, "I want y'... T' sit down, 'ave a drink and then we can talk", Finn let Al's demand hang in the air, the urge to disobey twitched in his fingers. But, he did as he was told. He laid his guitar on the couch, sat down before downing his drink in one. Not cringing at the burning and deathly taste. Al raised his eyebrows, mock shock, "Thirst-" "Cut the bullshit and tell me why y' 'ere."
Al grew silent. All humour gone from his worn out face. Finn then barked, "Now!" Al didn't flinch. Instead he huffed, shifting in his seat, before his gaze moved from Finn and onto a smudge on the glass of the coffee table, "I came t'... T' apologise", Finn froze, disbelief in his hardening frown, "Y'... Y' wha'?"