She was supposed to feel something when she slept with Al as that was why she did it, but she felt nothing. She didn't feel guilt or sadness. She literally felt nothing.
She sat on the balcony of Al's friend's flat, inhaling the nicotine - a secret, stress release habit that only Al knew about. She watched the city below that were coated in darkness, the only light were the tall lamp streets that dimly illuminated the pavements below. She guessed that it must have been no later than eight as the city was still quite alive as a few cars drove below and a few drunken teens stumbled along.
The cool air nipped at her bare legs, only Al's old and worn The Who tee to cover her modesty to mid-thigh. She flicked the ash end and took another drag, the toxins filling her lungs and releasing something that couldn't be described. Rae couldn't quite understand why she didn't feel anything. It felt real. Like the sex felt real. But, she didn't feel anything.
"Ay up, faceache", Al spoke, a rollie dangling losely from his mouth. She rolled her eyes, a small smile faintly apparent on her lips. He joined her at the balcony and cradled his tobacco from the wind as he lit it. He took a drag and rested on his elbows upon the balcony ledge, watching the horizon before him, "Spoke t' your mam?" He asked, not taking his eyes off the view. She nodded, "Yeh, told her to ring Tommy's house phone if she needs me for owt and that I'll be home in an hour", He nodded, taking it in, "Fair enough," A silence then overtook them. Al took the time to put together his words; words he ached to spill to her. The words that spoke I miss you without actually saying it. But how exactly could he word it without coming across as needy? Al hated how much Rae affected him. He couldn't understand how one person had such an iron-like grip upon him. Before Rae; he was fine. Before he became attached; he was fine. He was simply just fine, content even. Now? Now, he was pathetic.
"Y' do know this doesn't mean we're back together, right? Like, this meant nowt?" Now, although he was expecting it to be addressed sooner or later - it was still a surprise. He fidgeted a bit before brushing it off, coolly, "Yeh," He cleared his throat before continuing "Yeh, course," She sent him a warm smile to show she meant no harm and not to be harsh.
The pair grew silent, she took a drag of the remainders of her ciggarette before it becoming nothing but a butt. After she flicked her ciggarette away, she folded her arms and secretly wished for him to say something at this point, literally anything. She'd even take one of his idiotic jokes right now. She liked listening to him talk - him and Finn. She loved how animated the pair were when they spoke, well more Finn than Al as Al never really spoke about things he liked or loved. But when he did, it felt as if Rae had won the fucking lottery.
With Rae, when she first met Al she literally thought he was thicker than a doormat and couldn't form a good and proper sentence - never mind hold a conversation. Sure, she thought he was a stunner - with the nicest bum she'd ever seen - but that was all there was to him; well so she thought. That is, until they got into a heated debate over The Beatles and Blur. Rae, arguing that The Beatles were better and Al stuck to Blur and held his ground. It didn't make them best friends, or even friends, but it proved to Rae that he was actually an alright lad - his attitude still needed minor adjustments.
"So, what are y' thinking about?" Quizzed Al, his voice a little louder than usual as it snapped her out of her thoughts. She sighed and shrugged, "Well, I were just thinkin' about how to tell ye how bad y' were in bed before", She playfully quppied, a wicked smirk upon her lips. He rolled his eyes, "If it weren't for the scratches on my back, I'd actually believe you", She burst out laughing before she grew quiet, why couldn't it be like this all the time? Why couldn't it be like the old days where they'd have sex, talk bollocks and then go their seperate ways? Why couldn't they go back to the days where they'd go to The Rutland fields and to their usual spot under the archway and listen to The Cardigans (Request by Chloe and Izzy, of course.) And get absolutely smashed.
The bloody Cardigans and that bastard song 'Lovefool' Still reminded her of that day, back in '97. It was August 11th and the gang had been hanging round the pub all day, as usual, before it was getting on and they moved on to The Rutlands where nothing to be seen but a sea of green that stretched far into the horizon. The sun was beating down unmercifully on to the fresh blades of grass as a cool, summer breeze began to settle in as time grew on.
"Oh, will someone turn this shit off!" Moaned Rae as she fanned herself. It was, of course, 'Lovefool' By The Cardigans. Chop had brought along his portable radio, which Chloe currently manned with Izzy and as soon as the first few beats of the annoying boppy tune bled through the speakers; Rae and Finn were the first to get their opinion across - which the rest of the gang moaned at. "Oh it's only a song, leave it yeh!?" Groaned Chop. Rae and Finn latched their gaze onto one another's and shared a smile; along with a standard eye roll and tut, "I swear y' two moan more than a ol' married couple," "More like a porn star in a sex shop," Al quipped with a smirk, earning a laugh from the others at his quip; all bar Rae who smacked his leg but couldn't help but smile herself.
That was still one of Rae's favourite days. Such a simple yet bullshit-free day. She may have hated that song, but she still found herself humming it on occasion or not protesting against it whenever it came on the radio in the pub. It was back in the days where Chop was alive and cracking the worst 'dad' jokes imaginable, Chloe and Finn loved like newly weds, Johnny and Archie could share the same bed without it being weird and Finn and Al got along. Of course it wasn't the summer of '96; the summer of all summers but it was better than nothing and still one of the best.
She suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of vulnerablity and insecurity; wanting the ground to just swallow her whole. She moved over to Al, linked her arm with his and snuggled her head onto his shoulder. Despite feeling like a dickhead, he couldn't help but smile as he kissed her hair and rested his head on top of hers. Rae wanted the hurt to go away. She wanted the gang back together. Where had it all gone wrong? Where had the cracks first began to show? It had all happened so quick - and now here she was in Al's t-shirt but she no longer belonged to him. She didn't even belonged to Finn anymore.
Al then pulled away from her, threw the remainders of his rollie, took her hand in his and nodded his head towards the patio door as he mouthed "C'mon", they then made their way back into the warmth.
Maybe when she stayed with Al that night then things would be different in the morning and the world would be right again. Or maybe it'd all stay the same. Either way, Rae was content with just being still for now. She just needed one more day with Al before things restored back to their shitty and natural order once more.
"Your feet are cute," Finn mumbled, grinning down as he watched Chloe's toes flinch in response. "Why?" She laughed, wiggling them against his sides. Finn really didn't know why. He never liked feet. He guessed it was because they were hers, and everything about her had him fascinated. He shrugged, "Just are."
Moments of comfortable silence passed before either of the two spoke again; both just basking in each other's presence. He and Chloe were sat in his bedroom, on the bed to be exact. He sat on the ottoman whilst Chloe sat behind him; her limbs tangled around his body and her cheek rested upon his back.
"Finn...?" "Chloe...?" He teased, amusement laced within his tone and smile, "Do y' 'ave t' go?" Her tone created a crack within his heart that made his chest ache, "Leave it, Chloe," He dismissed her, rising to his feet; pushing her's away.
He kept his back to her and pulled the cotton over his head, not wanting her to see the hurt in his eyes, "Well, y' leave in wha' two days? We can't avoid it, Finn, I mean 'ave y' even properly thought this through!?" She didn't mean to get angry and her spiteful tone made her cringe. But she didn't want to show how devastated she was. He said nothing but pulled down his jeans, screwed them into a ball and chucked them into his washing basket. Still saying nothing. He scrambled through his drawers for some fresh jeans and a top. His ignorance made something inside Chloe snap, like a kick to the teeth. She never liked being ignored and could turn you into a vulnerable mess if you didn't give in.
"So, tha's it? Y' just gonna go yeh?" "Yep," He spoke bluntly, his back still to her as he began to potter around his room. Big mistake. "An' y' just gonna leave us?" He gave a shrug, turning slightly as if to say 'and?' Before giving her a once over, tutting with a head shake and returning to what he was doing. He didn't mean to be so cold hearted, well he did but then he didn't. He just wanted to keep her at arm's length - he didn't need any more emotional burdens weighing him down. Well, it wasn't that Chloe was a burden it was just the emotional black mail she bestowed upon him was unbearable at times - and right now her whining was something he could really do without. Although Finn couldn't deny the hyprocritical feeling that settled uneasily within his stomach. He wasn't a stranger to laying the emotional black mail on thick to a loved one and him pushing Chloe away because he didn't want to deal with her crocodile tears was like the pot calling the kettle black.
She wanted to let it wash over her, show she weren't arsed. But she needed him. She needed him to stay. She scrambled through her brain for the perfect plea but she couldn't keep a firm grip on any ideas; almost impossible to hold as trying to stop sand slipping between her fingers.
He picked out his denim jacket from his bare wardrobe; the rest of his belongings almost all packed and ready. She folded her arms and stared ahead; even something as small as eye contact was too painful. Once his jacket was on he waited a moment before throwing his hands up, "Wha'?" She snapped. He looked at her, incredulous, "Well aren't ya gonna give me a hug?" "Why? Y' only goin' Archie's for the night and y' comin' back t' get y' stuff tomorrow," He let her blunt answer sink in for a moment before shaking his head, "Do me a favour, Chlo? Sort it out," He then turned and left. No glance back. No 'I'm sorry, I was a dick'. Nothing. That was it, he was gone.
Chloe huffed, sniffed and held it together until the moment she heard the front door swing open and slam shut - that was when she burst. Unable to hold it together.
Finn let his anger wash over him. No point in getting too wound up, plus the thought of seeing Rae lifted all tension from his shoulders - well all angry tension. He knew he would have to tell her but the thought of her shiny brown eyes peering up at him under her lashes and her infamous frown appear washed away his anger and transcended into nerves. Pure, jittery, stomach-turning nerves.
With each step he took and each corner he turned; he repeated the words within his mind over and over. He couldn't just land it on her, like "Hey, Rae, am fucking off for a year or two but you can't come with me even though I begged you to run away with me the other week. You cool with that?" And he couldn't exactly be soft and break out the works of Shakespeare. He overthought it so much that he hadn't even noticed he was outside the door of her mother's. After knocking twice and a five minute wait he began to realise how he couldn't do this. He couldn't tell her he-
"Finn?" His head shot up and his eyes connected with Rae's. She'd not long been home judging by her make-up still being on as well as her day clothes - usually Rae would have not a scrap of make up on and her scruffs. Where had she been that made her dress so nice? She gave him a small smile, confused as to why he was there. "I-I were just passin' and thought I'd come round, mind if I come in?" She jokingly stepped aside with a little bow, he scoffed a laugh at her before stepping through the house. She took a moment, frowning... What could he want now?
She closed the door after him and followed him into the living room where he had made himself at home upon the couch. Well, he wasn't as relaxed as usual. He sat perched on the edge of the sofa, chewing his thumbnail and his feet crossed at the ankles. He reminded Rae of when they were younger and whenever they'd get a telling off; Finn would always chew his nails and cross his ankles - nervous habit.
She took a seat beside him and wavered her hands a bit, clueless, "So...?" "Wha'?" She gave a look, before huffing and rolling her eyes, "Y'know wha', c'mon, tell me. Wha's wrong?" He didn't even knock his shoulder into her's like he usually would. He didn't crack a smile. Instead, he exahled slowly before blurting out, "Am goin' away for a bit," He awaited her reaction, the seconds so painful. His head shot up when she let out a laugh, "Tha's it? Fuckin' 'ell, y' scared the life outta me then!" His mouth fell open slightly in shock, "Rae, did y' not 'ear wha' I just said? Am goin' away," He spoke more slowly, trying to get it through her skull. She giggled and shrugged, "Yeh and? Y' only goin' away, not like y' movin' or owt."
Oh she thought...? Oh dear. How was he going to get out of this one?
In fact, maybe he didn't have to. Who said he had to tell her the complete truth? One thing with Finn is you should always be careful as give him an inch and he'd run a mile with it.
"So, where y' venturing t' anyway?" "Manchester," He said with a shrug and without a second thought as he continued, "Stayin' in a cousin's for a few days, need t' get away for a bit," She frowned at this, "Wha's up?" He looked at her for a moment before his shoulders collapsed with admitted defeat, "Am miserable, Rae, I mean not just with Chop but everythin'. I hate college, I'm about t' get fired and me and Chloe are just non-existent and I just..." His voice trailed off as he looked downwards with a sorrow sigh. God, he was a miserable sod.
He expected a big life lesson from Rae, some advice, her usual bollocks. But was surprised when she piped up, "Shit! Listen, Finn, can we talk about this later as am supposed t' be meetin' Izzy in like twenty minutes," His head shot up and he went to beg her to stay, but his voice collapsed; along with his hopes. Instead, he nodded and rose to his feet, "Am sorry," He heard from behind. He stopped halfway out the hallway door and sent her small smile, "Don't worry about it, we'll talk about it later yeh?" She nodded, "To be continued?" He stretched his smile just that little bit further, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He gave a head nod, confirming his own words, "To be continued," He then headed out the hallway, out the front door and onto the driveway.
Each step he took felt heavier than the last. Everything had gone to shit, sure everything wasn't perfect before he told her - in fact far from it. But now he was officially alone. He couldn't talk to Chop. Couldn't talk to Tix. Couldn't talk to Izzy, Chloe, Johnny, Archie - and now he couldn't even talk to Rae. He had the opportuinity to let it all out and she put the wall up this time. She abandoned him.
As Kester once told him, "Most people are like shadows, they are there for you in your brightest moment and are gone in your darkest. People are going to come and go and the world is always going to happen. And being brave isn't about never being afraid. It's about what you do when you are, at the end of the day you have to be your own hero."