WDWG - Chapter 12: Angel

After the events with Hank and Dawn, Buffy needed some downtime, so the Watcher and his Slayer took breakfast in their room to avoid the crowds and the rest of their party. Plans were moving fast as Robin, Faith, and their group of Slayers were leaving for Cleveland in two days and Xander and Willow volunteered to accompany the two youngest Slayers who were headed home that afternoon to LAX. Giles pretended to read the newspaper while drinking tea but there was nothing of interest for him in the paper. He honestly didn't care about what was happening in the world today, he was simply steeling his nerves waiting for Buffy to finish in the shower.

Even though he hated to broach the subject with her after the emotional turmoil of the last several days, the Englishman knew that the woman he loved more than anything needed to confront the man of her past, and it honestly made Giles nervous. Or rather, it made him downright nauseous. While he and Buffy had declared their love for each other in the desert and had been inseparable over the last few days, was it enough to overcome the tragic love story between a brooding dark vampire and the beautiful Vampire Slayer that had been festering for the better part of a decade? The thought was enough to make him want to empty his stomach of his breakfast.

The door to the bathroom opened, billowing out steam as Buffy emerged clean, pink from the heat, and covered in a towel. Giles watched her from over the newspaper as she entered the bedroom of their suite. God, she was breathtaking! Gathering up his courage, he called out, "Buffy?"

"Yes?" came her muffled reply as she dressed.

"Were you planning on seeking Angel out before we leave for England?" He tried to sound nonchalant, as if he was asking whether she was going to the mall with Willow.

Buffy walked out of the room dressed in the white jeans and fitted baby blue t-shirt she bought the day before. Pulling her hair back into a pony tail, she casually replied, "I wasn't planning on it, why?"

Giles set the paper down and sat up in his chair, taking in the intimate domestic aura of sharing a normal morning together as couples do. It both frightened and saddened him that this might be the closest to domestic bliss he would get, since he was going to push her to confront her feelings regarding the vampire. She either needed to close the chapter with Angel or... he couldn't even voice the choice in his thoughts without feeling his stomach lurch. "Well, we are in L.A. and last time he saw you was to deliver the medallion. Obviously, he knows we won, but he doesn't know if you... or any of us, for that matter, survived. I think he would like to know."

Buffy grabbed an apple from the breakfast table and shrugged her shoulders, "Then I'll call him." She remarked, taking a bite.

"And should Angel come to London, would you be upset if he didn't take the time to come see you?" Came the rebuttal.

"Well, not that he would leave L.A., but if he did come to London, it would obviously be for something he wanted from us and then I guess I'd have to see him." Putting down the fruit, she crossed the room and sat on the ottoman before him. "Where are you going with this, Giles?" She asked.

He watched as she took his hand in hers and looked him in the eyes. He let out a big sigh, pulled his hand from hers and ran it through his wavy hair. "I think you should talk to him. You... you told me a few days ago that you left the door open for him -"

"The tiniest of cracks and that was because I didn't want to hurt him. But I also told you, that the door won't open any further."

"If that truly is the case, then he should know. He shouldn't have hope that one day, you will come back for him." Giles calmly replied, shaking violently beneath his placid exterior.

"Do you believe that I want to?" She queried quietly.

"I... I want to believe it's over between the two of you." He whispered honestly, looking away from her, ashamed of his insecurity.

"But you don't believe it."

Turning to face her again, he pulled off his glasses and pleaded, "Buffy, it's not fair to either Angel or me -"

"You don't believe that I love you?"

"I do," he stated miserably, bringing up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I also believe that you love Angel."

Buffy stared at him in astonishment. "God, Giles, we talked about this. Angel was my first love, but it can't work. It won't work! He walked out of my life, bouncing back in whenever it was convenient for him, and it took some time to get over it, but I did!" She was clearly rattled and getting angry, adding, "Years ago."

Giles rose from his chair, succumbing to his terror of losing her, answering her ire with his own, "And if he walked through that door right now, human, bearing roses and a diamond ring, promising you a normal life, asking you to bear his children, what would your answer be?"

Buffy stood up in shocked silence, watching the wretched desperation wash over the face of the man she adored. His question had caught her completely off guard.

The moment seemed to go on too long for Giles, "That's what I thought," he replied sadly. "Think about what you want, Buffy." He reached out and ran his index finger along her cheek, turned quickly, and walked out the door.

His movement jolted her back to reality, "Where are you going, Giles?"

"Out." He responded, briskly heading to the elevators.

She made a move to follow him, but thought better of it. Infuriated, Buffy walked over to the apple, picked it up, and chucked it at the wall. "Damn it, Giles!" she yelled as the piece of fruit thudded against the fibre board and slowly slid down the wallpaper, leaving a sticky trail to the floor. Mirroring the apple, she leaned against the door and collapsed in distress.

Giles berated himself in the solitude of the lift. ''Well, that certainly went well, old boy. So much for staying calm.' He knew he asked her an unfair question, but thanks to Wesley, he had been informed of the prophecy regarding Angel becoming human again while in his self imposed exile in the mother country. No one knew when it would happen. Or even if it would. The whole question was moot, really. He just couldn't bear being her second choice... not to that... monster. And try as he might for Buffy's sake, he couldn't bring himself to view the ensouled vampire as anything else.

As he entered the lobby, he half expected to see his irate Slayer there waiting for him. Part of him was disappointed that she hadn't come after him, the other, relieved. Looking about, he spotted Faith and Rona heading to the pool and was thankful that he hadn't been seen. He felt an overwhelming need to be alone to calm his emotions and carefully slipped out into the city without a destination in mind.

Wiping her tears, Buffy gathered herself together and moved to the couch, still miserable and reeling from Giles' reaction. She thought he had understood that Angel was in her past, a past now buried in the crater they left behind several days ago, but taking time for some introspection, the Slayer realized that her relationship with Angel was tightly interwoven with the one she shared with her Watcher, and while her past might be submerged beneath the earth out in the Californian desert, Giles still very much carried his along with him. Contemplating as she paced around the rooms of their suite, Buffy noticed her stuff casually mingled with Giles': their laundry haphazardly piled together on a chair in the bedroom, her latest fashion magazines lying on the coffee table next to his well thumbed copy of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes that he kept with him like a security blanket, the two bottles of shampoo sitting side by side next to the shared container of sandalwood scented body wash in the shower. She smiled softly, knowing without a doubt that this was what she wanted for her future... that he was the man she wanted to spend forever with. She just needed to show him. The pensive Slayer looked at the clock. It was only eleven in the morning, much too early to visit Angel. Her eyes fell on the check her father had given her and she decided to deposit it and engage in a little retail therapy.

Giles wasn't there when she returned from shopping and it didn't look like he had returned to the suite during her absence either. She put away her purchases with a worried frown. While she knew what she needed to do, she didn't really feel any better and her shopping excursion had not helped her mood any. The days when cute new sling backs or strappy sandals could distract her from the pain men dealt to her heart were apparently gone. It still hurt tremendously that Giles believed she would run to Angel after everything.

"Guys suck!" She yelled aloud, venting her frustration. Turning inward, she added dejectedly, "But let's face it, Summers, you don't have a great track record where Angel is concerned." She always put the vampire first, risking her life for his. Inflicting his presence on the tortured Watcher. Her shoulders slumped. She had even continued to do it after Angel left her. She had sat in his arms when her mother died, and she had headed to see him again after her resurrection without so much as an explanation to her family. And in spite of everything, Giles always let her go, wanting the best for her, no matter how much it hurt him. She suspected he'd do it again if he had to, knowing that now the price would be too high, that it would destroy him.

XxXxXxXx

Giles took off at a fast pace, stretching his legs, trying unsuccessfully to out distance his maudlin thoughts. He had no idea where he was headed, but he knew he needed to get back to the hotel before sundown. He had cleverly left his weapons behind, opting for the stupid dramatic exodus to drive his point home. Why had he let his temper get the best of him? 'Because where Buffy is concerned, you are incredibly insecure, Giles,' his conscience explained.

She was young, glamourous, beautiful, and fashion model material and he was... older. Greying. He knew he was attractive to women, being constantly approached by the fairer sex when he was back in England the year before, but he felt he wasn't exactly ideal for someone as vibrant as she. The dashing Englishman enjoyed tagging along as "arm candy" for Olivia during various fashion weeks back in the day. And Liv, being a model and in the image business, wouldn't have invited the museum curator to accompany her to parties if she didn't consider him rakish and ruggedly handsome. But, that was years ago, when his life was not consumed by fighting vampires and demons. A time when there were fewer scars, both physical and emotional.

It was mid-afternoon when Giles returned to the hotel. The gloomy Brit ultimately knew that Buffy held the fate of his heart, a fact he had resigned himself to when he woke up that morning, deciding to ask her to talk to Angel. Reviewing their quarrel in his mind, he recognized that once again, he had misread her, and that it was his own needs that were pushing them apart. If only he had just kept his cool and talked it through with her instead of pressuring her, getting angry, and storming out. God, he was such a prat! Stopping by the gift shop, he bought her a nice bouquet of spring flowers to accompany his apology.

The hotel suite was dark when he entered it. He thought Buffy might be napping, so he went into the bathroom, added water to a glass, and placed the flowers into it. Noiselessly, he padded into the bedroom only to find a note on her pillow.

Dear Giles,

Went to see Angel. We'll talk when I get back.

Love,

Buffy

"Damn!" He had been hoping to catch her before she sought Angel out, to reassure her of his love and his promise that he would always be there for her no matter what her decision. "I hope you didn't fuck it up, Giles." He told himself as he sunk down into the lounge chair next to the bed. After a few minutes, he tamped down his emotions and shifted his focus to Council business, deciding it was better than going down to the bar and drowning his stupidity in scotch.

XxXxXxXx

Angel was preoccupied as he wandered into the meeting room in his offices, and was startled to find Buffy sitting in one of the chairs around the oval table. "Buffy! You're alive!" He rushed over to her and pulled her into his arms. Even though she'd seen him not that long ago, it felt like a lifetime. He hadn't changed any, still wearing black on black and his hair still perfectly spiked in that ridiculous hairstyle.

"Yep, here I am. Alive and full of Buffy goodness." She quipped, feeling awkward in his embrace. He wasn't warm like Giles and she missed the reassurance of a heartbeat, which she now associated with being loved and safe.

Angel felt her discomfort, frowned, and let her go. "We saw the news reports on Sunnydale. We assumed you died saving the world since we hadn't heard from anyone. It's been several days, where were you? Are there any other survivors?"

The Slayer looked grim, wrapping her arms around her body, "Yeah, I should have died down there. I took a really bad hit, but I am still here. Xander, Willow, Faith, Dawn, and Giles made it too. We lost several Slayers though... and Spike. He wore the amulet... burned up saving the world, and ended up a hero." She let out a little laugh, "Go figure."

Taking in her closed off body language, the brooding vampire winced painfully. "Yeah, seriously." He verbalized softly, feeling it should have been him down there in the cavern acting as her champion.

"After we made our escape in a school bus, we spent a few days in the desert recovering. Robin and Rona were injured pretty badly and we couldn't get them to a hospital. They recovered thanks to Giles and Willow. Then we headed here, checked into the hotel, and got cleaned up... God, we were so disgusting! I think I spent an hour in the shower scrubbing the grit and grime off. Afterwards, Dawn and I reunited with my dad because she wants to stay with him for a while. That was awkward and emotional. After all these years, he wants to be a dad, but I think it's too little, too late for me."

"Doesn't have to be, Buffy. He nearly lost you both. It's a huge wake up call for him. Maybe you should let your dad make it up to you." Angel suggested reaching out to caress her cheek, only to lower his hand immediately as she evaded his touch.

"I know you are all about redemption, Angel, I get that. And... I understand he is trying right now. But, my involvement with him will be through Dawn. I can't deal with him right now. He seems to understand that and accepts it."

"So, what now?" He looked at her with his wounded puppy dog eyes.

"Faith, Robin and several of the rookie Slayers are going to Cleveland to guard the new hellmouth. Xander's leaving on a road trip for a couple months. We lost Anya in the fight and he's pretty broken up about it. Willow is heading back to the Coven in Devon." Then she looked at the vampire, took a deep breath, and delivered the important news. "And I am going to England with Giles."

"You know, Buffy, you don't have to go. I could use you in the fight here." Her former lover offered.

"I'm retiring, Angel. I'm going to help Giles rebuild the Council and try for that normal life I've always wanted." Looking like he was going to say something, Buffy raised her hand to stop him and continued, "There's more. I know the last time we met, I kinda left things open ended with us, but it really is over."

"Buffy, you know you'll always be my girl. I'll wait. If you feel you have to help Giles in London or where ever -"

"No. No, Angel, I'm not your girl anymore. I haven't been for a long time. You'll always have a special place in my heart, but... I don't love you." She watched him grimace and knew she had been harsh, but the vampire needed to get the message. "I've been in love with someone else for a while now and I've denied my heart long enough. The wonderful thing... is that he's in love with me too. Can you be happy for me?"

Angel tried to swallow the lump that rose into his throat and flexed his hands to relieve the tension in his body, "Giles?" He asked lowering his head, taking interest in his shoes as he did so.

"Yeah, Giles." She confirmed wistfully, hoping that she could make things right with the man in question when she returned to their room later.

"He's a good guy."

"The best." There really wasn't more to say. She felt bad for hurting her ex, but she was ready to start her life in England without ever having to look back. "You ok?"

Angel let out a pained chuckle, "I will be. I won't lie, this hurts. I had hoped that one day, but..." He didn't finish his thought, the woman he lost his soul for gave him his walking papers and after all the pain he caused, he owed it to her and Giles to let her go with grace. He'd sit and sulk over it later. "I wish you all the happiness in the world, Buffy."

She gave him a brief hug, "Thanks, Angel."

"So, you want to patrol with me tonight for old time's sake?" He asked hopefully.

"Retired, remember? Besides, I have to get back to Giles. I was kinda hoping to catch him for a late dinner." Buffy said, backing up and gesturing towards the door, indicating that their meeting was over.

"Ok. If ever you guys need anything..."

They smiled at each other one last time as Angel morosely watched Buffy walk out the door and out of his life without so much as a glance back. He sighed miserably, looked down at the floor, and hunched his broad shoulders. She was happy and he had lost her forever.