WDWG Chapter 17: Absolution

As she watched her friends leave, Buffy turned and wrapped her arms around Giles, a tear streaking down her cheek. Placing a comforting arm around her shoulders the tall Englishman drew her closer, allowing her to take the comfort she needed from him.

"It's only for a couple of months, love." He stated kissing her temple.

"I know. I'm just gonna miss them. We've never really consciously decided to be apart like this." She explained.

"Of course, none of you has gotten a real vacation before, but you are all adults now and have different needs and desires. It's only natural to go off on one's own for a while." He expounded in that Gilesean way that brought back memories of the Library. "With the exception of taking care of a little business today and having dinner with Dawn and your father tomorrow, it's just us. What would you like to do?"

"Mmm... just us. I'm lovin' the sound of that! Let's get that Power of Attorney taken care of and then we can do whatever you like." She responded suggestively, drawing a finger down his chest.

Giles' eyes smoldered with desire and he quickly agreed, "All right, then."

As they entered their room Giles strode over to the desk, picked up the parcel, and pulled out the documents contained within. Giving them his full attention his eyes shot wide when he realized why he had to sign as well. "Buffy?" He called out.

She emerged from the bedroom, having made the call to her dad to set up dinner for the following evening. "Yeah?"

"When did I become Dawn's co-guardian?"

The Slayer looked at him with a mask of confusion. "Umm... last year."

"How did that happen?"

"Giles, what are you talking about? You signed the papers."

"No, I don't think so. I think I would remember something as weighty as this."

"I had the papers drawn up by a lawyer. They were sent to you along with a letter asking you to take on the responsibility because I didn't think Xander or Willow could handle it with everything they were going through, and Dawn needed another stable adult to make decisions for her. There was a Power of Attorney included, which you also signed, that allowed me to act on your behalf if you were unavailable since I didn't know when or if you were coming back." Buffy explained. "They were included with stuff Anya needed you to sign for the Magic Box."

"When was this?" Giles asked quietly, raising his eyes to meet hers.

"Right after Riley came back to town and I ended things with Spike, realizing I needed to take control of things again. Riley came back with his perfect wife and I was fucking the undead. Quite the eye opener." She stated acerbically.

"Buffy -"

"It's true!" She insisted. "You honestly don't remember signing the documents?"

Frustrated, Giles ran his hand through his hair. "No. I remember taking care of the business for the Magic Box. I don't remember seeing a letter from you or specifically signing anything that had to do with Dawn. I suppose I could have just signed everything thinking it all had to do with the shop. Why co-guardian? Why not just amend your will and name me as guardian in the event..." He trailed off, refusing to vocalize the rest.

Buffy enfolded her arms around her stomach, turned slightly to deflect his gaze, and answered quietly, "I didn't want you to think I was giving up. The will just seemed so final. At least this way, you would see I was taking responsibility, being proactive. That I was starting to live again and maybe it would make you think about coming home."

Giles remained quiet, staring at the floor, considering what Buffy had told him.

"I was surprised when I just got the documents back. I had expected you to say something... send a message, call, semaphore." She joked half-heartedly. "A couple weeks later there was the incident with Spike... leaving," She covered quickly, "and then Warren shot me. I was really thankful that all the legal i's were dotted and t's were crossed. It could have been a lot worse and Dawn might have needed you."

'Incident with Spike.' The Watcher's ears perked up, 'leaving.' He remained quiet as his mind turned over, triggering a memory, hearing Xander's desperate voice, 'ended a seriously destructive love affair which resulted in an attempted rape.' Oh God! His eyes shot up, panic streaking over his handsome features.

"God, Giles, it's no big! We can have you removed as her guardian, but I don't want Dad having joint custody of her until he proves he's in this for the long haul." She retreated, misinterpreting the emotions washing over his face.

"When were you going to tell me?" He asked in despair.

"Umm, Giles, I sent you the letter asking if it was ok. I thought since you signed everything, you were fine -"

Losing his patience the Englishman pulled off his glasses, tossed them on the desk, and ground out, "Dammit, Buffy, this is not about Dawn!"

"Then what is this about? Because you've lost me." Buffy pleaded, searching his face for an answer.

Giles started to pace before finally giving voice to his shock, "Christ! Spike tried to rape you!"

She recoiled, leaning against the back of the sofa for support, "Yes, he did." She answered timidly, looking down at the ground, not wanting to see the fury and disappointment in his eyes.

The Watcher paused briefly before repeating quietly, "When were you going to tell me?"

Buffy stared at him a moment. "I tried, Giles... in the Magic Box, when I told you I had slept with him. But you started laughing and I didn't get to finish telling you everything... At first, I was upset that you would laugh at me like that, but then you were giggling and it was so cute and I had never seen you laugh like that before. It felt so good that I started laughing with you, because everything was so absurd... and after that, there was never a right time."

"Oh, Buffy, love, I'm so sorry." He mumbled despondently.

Not hearing his apology, the Slayer began her confession, "He... he didn't know if I was toying with him or not when I told him to stop. How could he have known? I had kept telling him it was over for months when we were... together. We did such horrible things. Beating each other... the abuse... it was a two way street. I'd tell him no, but would let him do what he wanted. It was the only way I could feel. God, I'm so dirty! He kept telling me I came back wrong, that I was meant for darkness... maybe he's right." She lifted her tortured eyes to meet his for the first time since she started, "I'm damaged, Giles! Everything is tainted. Every night I would spend hours in the shower trying to scrub myself clean without success only to go out and find him again the next night for a repeat performance... with even more pain... and humiliation. I wanted it. Hell, I needed it! Sometimes, my skin still crawls and I can still feel him. Geez, how could you want me now? I'm sorry for putting you through this. Just... I'll get a job in my dad's office and you can..."

"What?" Giles shot up and walked over to her, taking her in his arms.

She fought against him, wrestling out of his embrace, "No! I let him do all those horrific things and I... I did things too. I hated it, but I couldn't stop. It was the only way to feel... anything. We... you don't want me, I'm -"

"Buffy, stop!" He raised his voice again to catch her attention, but his voice was warm when he took her hand in his and cupped her cheek with the other. Softly, he continued, "Spike could hit you?"

Pulling away, she started to pace, "Yeah. That's how we figured there was something wrong, the chip didn't go off when he hit me. The night he tried to... rape me... we were done and hadn't been together for weeks... he was so hurt and upset. I was drawing a bath. I was in so much pain... had gotten into a fight with this really nasty vamp on patrol. He walked in and thought I was playing hard to get or something. I was finally able to fight him off... but after everything, how was he to know?"

"You told him 'no', Buffy. It should always be enough."

"But I -"

"Doesn't matter." He interrupted gently, "You told him 'no'. You were hurt. If he really cared for you, he would never have started."

Turning her back, she headed towards the bedroom. Stopping momentarily, Buffy looked over her shoulder and sighed with resignation, "I don't want you to feel obligated to stay with me. You've got your 'get out of jail free' card. Use it."

He watched her retreating form with desperate eyes, "Don't run from me, Buffy, please." Giles implored, "You made me promise to talk things out. I'm here."

She moved to face her lover, tears streaking down her cheeks, wretchedness plainly written on her beautiful face. He crossed the room in three great strides and fell on his knees before her.

"You don't think I did horrible things out of despair? That I don't understand?" He questioned in earnest, pulling up his shirt sleeve to reveal the reviled Eyghon tattoo on his lower bicep. "And not just this! I wasn't exactly a saint these last couple years either, love. I tried to move on. There were women... but my heart..." He reached up, placing a hand on her chest, "is here, and has been for a long time."

Her crying had subsided, and, covering his hand with hers, she looked down into his anguish filled eyes but remained silent.

He gazed back at her, lowering his voice, "I should never have left, Buffy. I was wrong. I am sorry. Maybe if I had stayed, things would have been different."

"Maybe not." She stated simply.

"And maybe not." Giles agreed. "Whatever happened, happened. We can't change it. But I know that I always want to be here for you. What Spike did was reprehensible! Not just the physical attacks, but making you believe you are less than what you are. If he were here now, I'd rip his bloody head off with my bare hands for what he did to you! Your power of forgiveness knows no bounds, and your capacity to love through the most miserable conditions never ceases to amaze me." Taking her hands in his, he gently pulled her down until she was on her knees with him. He searched her face until their eyes locked and he tenderly wiped away the tears with his thumbs, his heart pounding in his chest. "There is no part of you that is darkness, Buffy, you light up the world just by being a part of it. The Powers That Be knew what they were doing when they chose you to be their champion." Leaning in, Giles placed a chaste kiss on her lips. "I don't want a 'get out of jail free' card. I want you. In my life. Forever. Your spirit soothes me and with you I am so much more. I love you. Believe me when I say nothing can change that."

The distressed Slayer moved to lean her head into his shoulder, but kept her trembling hands in her lap, pain still evident in her voice, "You deserve so much better -"

Wrapping strong arms around her, he held her tight, bending his head until his mouth was just above her ear and whispered, "There is only you for me, my love."

"Forever, Giles?" She asked, her voice barely above a breath.

"Forever, Buffy. If you'll have me, I'm yours, please know that." He stood up taking her with him and leading her over to the bed where he laid her down carefully - she was so emotionally spent. Climbing in behind her, Giles drew her to him, pulling her flush against his body.

"I've never thought about forever... until recently." Buffy confessed after a few minutes.

"And what is it that you think about?" He asked softly, nuzzling against the nape of her neck.

"You and me, together... always."

"Always." He repeated. "Any specifics? Forever is a long time."

"Willow says you have horses at home. She said she loved it there when she stayed with you."

"Yes, it's very peaceful. Lots of space to ride and explore. The garden is lovely, particularly during summer."

"She showed me pictures. It suits you. Tell me about the house." Buffy requested stroking his arm lightly.

Still spooning her, Giles drew feather light circles over her belly, his voice caressing her senses, "It's an old farmhouse, but it's big enough. My grandmother lived there and I loved to visit her when I was a child, there was so much freedom to play, so many spots to hide and get lost in, both in the house and around the farm for hours at a time. Such a wonderful place for a child to exercise his imagination. I learned to ride on one of her old cobs and later I convinced my mother that my horse should be stabled there just so I could visit more often." He grinned at the memories, his voice easy and lighthearted. "Nan would have me and Miri over for the holidays and we would ride, bake, and garden together."

"Happy Giles. I bet you were the cutest little boy." She sighed.

Placing a kiss on the top of her head, the contented country gentleman continued his narrative, "She passed when I was twelve, but I do have wonderful memories. When I turned twenty-five the property fell into my hands and it became my haven. There have been several extensions built on it over the years and I had the kitchen expanded and upgraded before I came to Sunnydale to be your Watcher. The library has always been a main feature in the house, but that is only to be expected since it's been in a Watcher family for generations. There are four bedrooms on the upper floor, plenty of room for us and Dawn when she's home from school. If we have lots of visitors, there's a guest cottage on the property as well."

"What will we do with the other two?"

"The other two bedrooms?" He asked. "Anything you like. A home office, if you don't want to set up in the library, permanent guest rooms for Xander and Willow..." They were quiet for a few moments before Giles felt Buffy's heartbeat speed up erratically. "What is it, love?"

Fighting her nerves, the pensive blonde pulled him closer, tightening their embrace before finally expressing her thought, though it was barely a whisper, "In my forever, one of the rooms is a nursery." She felt Giles tense and bury his forehead into the crook of her neck. "Is that okay, Giles?" She asked with trepidation, not able to see his face, unsure of his reaction.

Turning her over to look at him, the Englishman searched her mossy green eyes, his own bright and expressive with unshed tears, a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth, "It's okay, Buffy." The smile broke free and he kissed forehead her reverently, wonder and awe reflected in his expression. "It's very okay."