Title: Where Do We Go From Here?

Author: littleotter73

Rating: FRT for this Chapter

Pairing: Buffy/Giles

Summary: Overall - Now that the Hellmouth is closed, what's next? This chapter - Buffy tells Giles about her issue on the hill at Hawkingridge.

Setting: Post Chosen, no comics.

Beta: catchoo152

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Buffyverse and make no profit playing in Joss' sandbox.

A/N: Sorry for the long hiatus between chapters.

WDWG - Chapter 41: Confession

Willow found Buffy sitting on the couch in the library. She wasn't wearing the sling anymore, but she clearly was favoring her right arm, cradling it in her lap as she stared out into the window into the garden. Since the attack, Buffy had been pensive and withdrawn, and Xander's attempts to draw her into conversations and cheer her up had gone amiss. Giles had done his best to comfort her, but it was clear that Buffy needed some time to herself, so the others gave her her space. In the meantime, Giles and Xander had put off the trip to Hawkingridge and continued to work on the stables while Willow kept them company.

"Hey, Buffy, how's the healing going?" the redhead asked, taking a seat on the couch beside her friend.

"About ninety percent," the injured Slayer answered without much emotion as she shifted her attention to Willow.

"Not much to go, then" the witch replied casually.

"Nah, it should be fine by this afternoon," Buffy shrugged.

"Look, Buff, I've been thinking. I mean, it's not like you've never gotten surprised by a vamp before. And... and we were distracted talking and all."

Buffy let out a little huff. "I know, but... it's different. I mean, when I was distracted before, at least I felt them when I was fighting them. I didn't with this guy, Will, I mean I should've had that Spidey tingle while we were fighting, but I didn't. That's what I've been trying to say."

Willow's shoulders slumped. "Yeah, I know. I guess I was just hoping that since a couple days have passed that maybe you'd remember something differently."

"Nah, I wish. But this is so... it's got me scared, Willow."

The redhead reached out and squeezed her best friend's hand. "Me too."

They sat quietly for a few minutes before Buffy drew in a deep breath. "There's something I need to talk to Giles about and it's not going to be pretty. Do you think that maybe you and Xand can go into town for some lunch or shopping or something?"

"Yeah, I guess. Are you going to be okay?"

Buffy shrugged again. "Depends. I promise to fill you in when you get back."

"Okay, let me go retrieve carpenter boy, he's out in the stable again. If I see Giles should I tell him you are looking for him?"

"Yeah, thanks," the Slayer said, running her left hand up her arm to her injured shoulder. "And, Will, I'm sorry. I know this isn't exactly the break you'd imagined..."

Willow gave her a sympathetic smile, "We'll figure it out, Buffy."

"Yeah. We will," she responded. "And thanks."

XxXxXxXx

Buffy was in the kitchen digging through the fridge looking for something to eat when Giles strolled in, sweaty and wearing his jodhpurs and riding boots. She pulled out packages of cheese and ham to make a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of water for him.

"Thank you," he said, taking the bottle gratefully.

"Have fun?" she asked as she opened the bag of rolls and retrieved one.

"I had a good ride. Otto enjoyed it too. How's your shoulder?"

She rotated it and moved it around. "Almost one hundred percent." Before she closed the bag, she asked, "Can I make you a sandwich too?"

"Yes, thank you." Giles studied her as she assembled their sandwiches. Her mood was still pensive and she worried her lower lip. When she handed him his plate, he set it down on the counter and asked, "What's on your mind, Buffy?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Willow and Xander are running errands, we're here alone, so tell me, what is on your mind."

Buffy took her plate and sat down at the kitchen table. "You're not going to like this."

"Tell me," he repeated softly as he followed her to the table and sat down next to her.

Looking down, Buffy took a deep breath before raising her eyes to meet his. "The day I said I got lost while running at Hawkingridge... I didn't. I was looking for a good circuit to run the Slayers on and followed a trail up the hill overlooking the bay. I got to the top and noticed it continued down to the beach, but just when I was getting ready to start the decent, I ran out of juice and couldn't go any further, my legs gave out. The winds off the bay were cold and I started to cramp up. God, it was so painful. And then both dogs curled up next to me to keep me warm while I tried to work the muscles in my legs."

Giles kept his face neutral, waiting for her to continue, but his eyes told a different story, one of quiet rage, and Buffy shifted in her seat under his gaze.

"I-I don't know how long I was up there, waiting to regain some energy and working through the cramps, but eventually, I was able to get up and make my way back to the house."

She waited for him to say something, but he just looked down at his hands, his jaw muscles flexing beneath the surface.

"I meant to tell you, Ru. I came looking for you right away, but when I found you, you were surrounded by Watchers and I... I couldn't tell them what happened."

"That was two weeks ago, Buffy," Giles replied as he slowly rose from the table and walked over to the counter. He removed his glasses and stood with his back to her.

Buffy shoved her sandwich aside. "I know. The timing just never seemed right."

"Has anything like this happened since?"

"No."

"Not at Stonehenge?" His voice was clipped and she winced internally.

"No, I felt fine a Stonehenge. Content. Whatever it was that healed you didn't affect me. The only other time something was off was at Prior Park."

"And, of course, in Bristol the other night. Are you telling me everything? Was your strength compromised there as well?"

Buffy stood and put her hands in the front pockets of her jeans. "No, the vamp was strong, but I didn't have any issues. He just got a lucky strike, that's all." She walked over to him and gently placed her palm on his back. "I'm scared, Giles."

"Welcome to the club, Buffy!" Giles raged as he pivoted around to face her, unable to accept her touch on his body. "At least some good came of all this. It seems that vampire rattled some common sense into you."

"Giles... Ru, that's not fair-"

Sidestepping away from her, he interrupted coldly, "Until we know what's going on, I think it best if Seamus accompany you whenever you go out."

Buffy bit back the pain of rejection and looked away. "Yeah, that was my conclusion as well."

"Good."

"I wasn't hiding this from you. There was just so much going on, and-"

"You were right when you said I wouldn't like it," he said quickly and her eyes snapped up to meet his once again. "I didn't like finding out this way. You should have told me... that night after it happened, when we were alone."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to keep her voice steady.

He exhaled and ran his hand through his hair. "I know."

"So what now?" Buffy asked as she held back the desire to cry and explain herself further.

"Now? I really don't know. I need to clear my head. And shower. I am sure I'll research more tonight, and tomorrow we'll drive to Hawkingridge as planned so Xander can begin work. While we're there, you can show me and Willow where you had problems on the hill and we'll see if there are any cold spots that might drain a Slayer's energy."

Giles hadn't answered her question, not the question as she had intended it. He had disengaged from their conversation, and Buffy realized just how angry and hurt he was.

"You, uh, you didn't touch your sandwich."

He retrieved a baggie from the pantry, walked back over to the table, and after he had bagged his sandwich, put it in the fridge. "Not surprisingly, I have no appetite at the moment."

"Yeah, me neither." When he wouldn't say anything further, she took a deep breath in an attempt to cover up her apprehension at having damaged their relationship. "I think I'll take a walk."

"Take the dog with you," he said, his voice cold and devoid of emotion.

Buffy nodded, looking miserable as Giles passed her and headed up the stairs towards their room. She heard the door slam behind him and flinched.

XxXxXxXx

Pulling off his shirt as he walked through the door to their bathroom, Giles tossed it into the hamper before turning on the taps to the shower. Making his way over to the chair next to the window to pull off the boots he'd forgotten to take off before climbing the stairs, he caught a glimpse of Buffy in the garden ruffling Seamus' ears. She had his leather lead bound up in her hand and the two took off down the gravel drive.

Sitting down, he pulled off his riding boots, throwing the first one violently into the corner, the second following in a more gentle arc after he'd taken a deep breath and counted to ten. He lowered his head into his hands, arms resting on his knees, listening to the water fall in the bathroom.

After a few minutes the distressed Watcher sat up straight and looked at the ceiling, taking in a ragged breath. He must have been crazy to believe that things would change. That she would trust in him. He'd hoped that after everything, after finally finding each other in the wake of their last apocalypse, that she would confide in him and not feel the need to hide her feelings or her problems anymore.

And maybe that was it. Maybe things had just moved too fast. Not that he doubted her feelings - he knew she loved him - but maybe she'd mistaken that love for romantic love, a need to connect and be alive in those desperate moments in the desert, driving their relationship toward a conclusion that could not be sustained once the feelings of uncertainty and danger had subsided.

It had been what now? He counted the weeks in his head - just under six weeks since they'd sent the First back to hell, sealed the Hellmouth, and dropped a moderate sized Californian town on top of it. Maybe that was all the time that was needed for her to feel comfortable enough to revert to her old habits: the secrecy, the extreme independence and the self reliance. Enough time for her to start feeling secure again after facing the uncertainty of life after Sunnydale.

Looking up, Giles watched the steam from the shower billow out of the bathroom and he suddenly felt very tired. Perhaps he'd been naïve thinking they could be more to each other than Watcher and Slayer, more than friends. But even as her Watcher, he should have been told about this.

He stood up and exhaled, his eyes catching the photo of her on his nightstand. Maybe he was just over thinking it all, but he couldn't help feeling angry and hurt. Even if they didn't work out as a couple - and that wasn't something he wanted to really think about - he couldn't lose her again. He just couldn't understand why she would keep something so important to herself.

Sighing to himself, he made his way to the shower. While he could deal with smelling like horse and hay, he needed to scrub away the lingering self doubt. It did nothing for his mental state and he had a mystery to solve.

XxXxXxXx

Dinner that evening had been a quiet and uncomfortable affair. Willow and Xander had tried to engage the upset couple in conversation, but after several stilted attempts, the two just focused on their food. Giles was clearly in a foul mood and preoccupied, and Buffy seemed unwilling to answer any questions or contribute to any subject beyond a yes or no. The Slayer had caught Willow's attempts at nonverbal communication to figure out what was going on, but she just shook her head sadly as she picked at her food, knowing that she would confide in her friends later.

Once he'd finished, Giles had excused himself to the library to continue his research and Willow and Xander followed Buffy out to the gym after the three had cleared the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.

"Wow, so dinner was huge amounts of awkward. What's the deal, Buff?" Xander asked, watching her put on a pair of boxing gloves.

"Umm, Buffy, your shoulder," Willow advised with concern.

The Slayer sighed and pulled the gloves off in exasperation and sat down on the mat. "He has a right to be angry with me. I didn't tell him something I should have when it happened."

"What was it?" Xander prodded, taking a seat on the floor next to her.

She picked nervously at the edge of the mat. Willow sat down opposite her and took her hand in hers, concern in her bright green eyes as she searched her friend's. After Buffy told them of her ordeal on the bluff overlooking the bay at Hawkingridge, her two best friends looked stunned.

"That's, uh, rather serious," Xander said, pushing himself up from his sitting position on the floor and walking over to the pommel horse.

"I know."

"And you didn't tell him because..."

"I told you, I had every intention of telling him and then life happened."

"Come on, Buffy, you are together practically twenty-four by seven. You go to sleep and wake up with the guy. You couldn't find a spare moment or two to say, 'hey, honey, I fell flat on my face, exhausted, unable to move with my legs muscles seizing up. It might be important in case, you know, we run into the undead at some point?'"

She stood up and faced him, her anger at the whole situation rising from within, "I know it sounds bad, but it's not as if we haven't had our share of angst and weirdness going on. You weren't here. Life happens. And who are you to talk? You lived with Anya and you never told her about your doubts about getting married before you left her at the altar!"

"Buffy!" Willow admonished.

Xander reeled back as though he had been dealt a physically blow. The color drained from his face and he looked as though he might vomit.

"I-I'm sorry, Xand, that was uncalled for," Buffy apologized as she approached her friend, reaching out to him. "I-I didn't mean that."

He quickly moved away from her touch, extending a hand out to maintain a safe distance between them. "No, you're right. I certainly fucked up where Anya was concerned." When he regained his composure, he addressed her earnestly. "Over the years I've watched you keep stuff from Giles. Angel coming back, Riley and the Initiative, and I get why you didn't tell us about being in heaven, but Giles? And after everything, confiding in Spike?" He spat out the vampire's name in disgust. Buffy's dark green eyes widened and he softened his tone, reaching out to touch her shoulder. "You know I love you, Buffy. I've stood up for you and defended you when others lost faith. You deserve happiness, you and Giles, but you're going to throw it away and I can't sit here and watch that happen."

"It wasn't intentional! I told you I was going to tell him."

"Yeah, and I had every intention of telling Anya too. I just didn't because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I thought I could deal and get past my fears. I get that it's not the same thing, but the fact is, you didn't tell him, not until something bad happened."

Buffy hugged her body tightly and looked out the window towards the house, her heart in her throat. "I know."

Willow came up behind her and put her arms around her. "It'll be alright. Giles needs to take it all in and deal with it too. The thought of you being in danger has always eaten at him, Buffy, and he's dealt with it. But now, well, things are different. You aren't in harm's way anymore and strange things are happening. Weird, seemingly unconnected and dangerous things that don't make sense. He's scared too."

Turning into Willow's embrace, Buffy hugged her back tightly, allowing the tears to fall. Xander, never able to watch his girls cry, immediately put his arms around them and held them closely.

XxXxXxXx

Giles stared at the amber liquid as he toyed with the tumbler in his hand. He'd poured the scotch hours ago but failed to drink any of it and if the crystal hadn't been a century old, he might even have thrown it into the fireplace in exasperation. His research had yielded nothing so far. He needed specific diaries, but with the Council headquarters having been blown to shreds, he wasn't sure he would be able to find them. In the morning he would send out an email to the members of the Board asking for their help.

He needed the diaries of Watchers whose Slayers had lived past twenty-one. He had a theory that perhaps a Slayer's powers might diminish after a certain age, which would explain why there weren't many older Slayers and why Spike had said that Slayers have a death wish. Giles had never felt that was right, but a vampire might mistake extreme fatigue for a willingness to give up. Perhaps, over time, older Slayers lost their strength and speed and were unable to hold their own anymore. It was a morbid thought, but he couldn't think of anything else.

Setting down the glass of scotch, Giles felt Buffy's presence, but he refused to look up from his desk. He knew she was watching him through the doorway, but he wasn't ready with speak to her just yet. Tomorrow he would present his new theory to the group, check his father's library for relevant Watcher diaries, and follow up on the thought that maybe there was a cold spot on the bluff, even if he felt that one unlikely.

"Goodnight, Giles." Buffy's voice was small and contrite and he fought the urge to walk over and pull her into a comforting embrace.

Instead he rubbed the rim of the tumbler with his index finger and replied, "Goodnight, Buffy."

It was going to be a long and lonely night for both of them.