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Chapter Thirty One - Losing

The Citadel - Chora's Den

2253 - 57 Years After the End of the Reaper War

There is was again. The lull in the story. And just when things were getting interesting too, Riina figured. But, instead of continuing on, Hilary was once again regarding her carefully. Her confusion and suspicion had become even less subtle since she had started drinking and it had Riina at the end of her patience. How difficult should it be to get a war story out of a family member? But then, she guessed that if she wanted a real familial connection, she should have put more effort in over the years. She figured that anyone would be suspicious of her asking these questions after so many years.

"You said you were looking for someone," Hilary started, almost earning a groan from Riina.

"It's nothing…"

"You want to know where Sarah is, don't you?"

Riina took a moment to think over whether or not this was a trap. If she admitted that she was searching for Sarah, she may not get her answers and Hilary might alert her sister. On the other hand, Hilary might assume a more benign reason behind her asking and she might just give her the answers she had been searching for.

"Yeah, I do."

"I figured as much but I couldn't figure out why. And then I realised. You're doing this for your sister, aren't you?"

Holy shit, she's just handed me the perfect excuse… "I just… I know she wants the truth."

"I should have known that this would have been on her mind these past couple of months." Riina put all of her effort into not frowning at that. What had been happening over the past couple of months? But she simply put the thoughts from her mind. She had made the decision to keep her distance from Vi and Evan and there had been good reasons behind it. She couldn't start regretting it now. No, she had to move on. There was no going back. Not for her.

"If… If you could give me any information on where she might be."

Hilary sighed, shaking her head. "Sometimes it's easy to forget that you two are twins, you're so different, but… not right now. And I'll tell you the same thing I told Vi; I swore that I would never tell."

"But you do know."

"I know where she went. She hasn't contacted anyone since she ran off. She could be anywhere now."

"No one else knows, do they? Not even the Old Man."

"You know he hates that nickname," Hilary responded, evading the question.

"And you know that I don't care. And I'm taking that to mean that he doesn't know."

"Her parents know. She told them and I… got it out of her as she was leaving. We didn't exactly part on good terms, Riina. I didn't agree with her decision to leave. Not when she had-"

"Look, whether or not she should have shirked her responsibilities isn't why I'm here. I just want to know where she is."

"What will you do if you find out?"

Riina shrugged. "I'm not sure yet." She was more than a little concerned by how true her words were. She really didn't know if she was going to follow through on the council's orders. But she could figure that out down the line. For now, she just needed a location.

"Riina… I can't tell you. She didn't want anyone to know and I have to respect that wish, even if I don't agree with it."

"Then continue your story. Tell me what you can and I'll try to piece it together myself."

"That… I can do that…"

The Normandy

2220 - 24 Years After the End of the Reaper War

Sarah struggled as she reviewed the scan, all of her focus on keeping the boiling wave of anger seething just beneath the surface, knowing that if she let it explode, it would cause a discharge of biotic energy that may well destroy the medbay.

A solid week of work with no sleep and she finally had her answer. It just wasn't the answer she had hoped for.

"Is that-"

Sarah interrupted her mother's question halfway through. "Yep. A Cerberus microimplant."

"That's what's making her ill?"

"Yeah. Nana and Alice have told me that there's no way to get at it surgically without causing serious brain damage."

"No, I don't imagine there would be. How did they even get it in there in the first place?"

"They probably implanted it early in the development cycle. It wouldn't have caused any irreversible damage back then. Unlike now."

"So, removing it completely isn't an option?"

"Nope. Which was why I was hoping that you could try to deactivate it remotely."

"How exactly does it work?"

"It's particularly insidious. It's disrupting the electrical impulses in her brain. Not too much but just enough to cause occasional disruptions in her major systems. Given time, everything will burn out. The chip could kill her right away. They designed it to be slow and painful."

"They must have figured that any hybrid that was cured would have turned their back on them. It's a punishment and example all rolled into one."

"Do you think you can do it? Disable it remotely?"

Her mother took another few moments to examine the data, going eerily silent and still as she was prone to doing when she was thinking intently. "No," she eventually answered in the blunt manner that could only belong to her, giving an apologetic shrug. "I don't see a solution right now. But I'll do some more reading and call some experts. Maybe Tali'll have some ideas. How much time do we have?"

"Another week at most."

"Then I'd guess I'd better hurry." Her mother transferred the data to her omnitool before heading towards the door, though she paused next to Sarah on her way out before wrapping her arms around her daughter. "Hey, this isn't your fault," she assured the young hybrid.

"I told her she was safe here and she trusted me."

"There was no way that you could have known. You can't protect someone from everything, trust me on that one." There was a soft undercurrent of sorrow to her mother's subharmonics that only made Sarah cling to her all the tighter. Her mother responded by pulling away, though she kissed her lightly on the brow plates as she did so. "I'd better get started on this. And you should get some rest, Honey. When was the last time you slept?"

Sarah just shook her head in reply. "No. I need to be here when she wakes up."

"Sarah…" her mother started but trailed off once she saw the resolve in her daughter's eyes. "Fine. But there are other beds here. Just try to get some sleep. Please? We're all worried for you."

"I'm not the one we need to be worried about right now."

"Then don't give us reason to worry."

"Okay. I'll… try to sleep."

Sarah made good on her promise to try to get some more sleep but she wasn't too successful in the endeavour. She managed about half an hour before she was up again. Her mind was just too wired to allow her to sleep, wanting nothing more than to start solving the problem in front of her. Except this wasn't her wheelhouse. She knew that she had to just shut up and let the experts get on with it. The best she could do was be there for Esme.

At the thought of the younger hybrid, Sarah got up and moved over to where she was sleeping. While Sarah couldn't sleep, the combination of her body trying to recover from the occasional breakdowns in vital systems and the painkillers she was being given meant that Esme spent most of her time asleep. Which was for the best, Sarah figured. Whenever she was awake, she was in a lot of pain, even with the painkillers. Not only that, but she was scared too. She knew what was happening, just as Sarah had known when she was younger, and yet all Sarah had to offer her were the same empty platitudes others had once given her.

There was nothing she could do, she knew, but she continued to look over the data. Tech had never been her strong point and she was likely to do more harm than good. Unless…

Sarah sat up straighter as her mind began to whirl, almost kicking herself for not seeing the solution earlier.

"Blue?"

Her attention was diverted from her work by the sound of her bondmate entering, his voice still groggy with sleep.

"What's up?" she asked, her gaze returning to the work in front of her.

"You're too wired. I thought I'd come and see if you were okay."

"Yeah, I just... I'm trying to get Esme's immune system to attack the microimplant for us."

"I thought you said her immune system was compromised?"

"It is, I just… I have to do something, Red. I can't just…"

"I know," he replied simply as he moved over and leaned on the desk next to her, resting one hand reassuringly on her shoulder. "Blue, you've barely left this room in over a week."

"I have to do this. I can't let her down, Red."

"I know, but you'll be no good to anyone if you burn yourself out. Just let me help you, Blue. That's all I'm asking."

Sarah nodded, feeling as if all of the tiredness she had been pushing away had finally decided to crash into her all at once, causing her eyelids to droop and her mind to stumble. "If I… If I try to get some rest, can you stay up? Just make sure that if Esme wakes that she's not alone?"

"Sure. Is there anything else you need me to do?"

"No. Just be there for her."

The next few days continued on much in the same way. Sarah worked on her approach while her mother focused on her own, but neither seemed to be going anywhere and time was swiftly running out. Esme's brief returns to consciousness were getting shorter and less frequent, and they weren't sure how many more she had left.

Sarah and Tiberius worked out shifts looking after Esme, allowing them both to get some sleep, but they were both exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. They knew that their efforts would reap no rewards but still they ploughed on, unsure of what else they could do.

Sarah…

Sarah lifted her head from her work at the familiar mental call of Esme. For being in her mind, it shouldn't sound so weak, but still it did, causing Sarah to have to steel herself from the tears that would only upset the young girl further.

I'm here, she assured her as she moved over, taking her sickly hand in her own, reinforcing the strange reversal of roles that had been placed upon her.

It hurts…

That caused Sarah to bite her lip in thought. Esme now lacked to ability to properly metabolise the painkillers so her dose had to be brought down, despite the fact that she now needed them more than ever. There was no way Sarah could give her any more without killing her.

I know, Esme told her, having followed her thoughts. How much time do I have left if you don't?

Maybe another day. But there's still a chance-

Is there? Really?

Sarah didn't answer that, looking away. They all knew that time was up. There would be no miracle cure this time. Esme wasn't going to be as lucky as she had been. None of the other hybrids would be. Because Sarah knew that, even with all of the time in the world, there was no solution to this problem. Cerberus really had outmatched them and there was nothing that they could do. Nothing, except the one thing Sarah had sworn to herself that she wouldn't. She could still deploy the lethal virus. If her cure didn't work, it was the only option left to them.

You should, Esme told her as she found Sarah's thoughts on the virus. Don't let the others suffer like this. Please, Sarah…

Sarah couldn't find it in her to do anything but nod as she put all of her focus into not crying.

You really want this? Sarah asked, referring to the painkillers.

Esme nodded, her gaze determined. In the end, what will it really shave off? A few hours?

Yeah. A few hours at most…

Then, yeah.

"You can't blame yourself."

Sarah had locked herself in her quarters as soon as Esme had passed. Everyone on board had taken the hint not to disturb her but, apparently, her bondmate had decided to ignore it.

She sniffed hard before speaking, wiping away the tears from under her eyes. "Go away, Red. I want to be left alone." Her voice cracked in several places as she attempted to keep back further sobs. Red's heart broke a little at the sound. He had never seen Sarah seem so… lost. Even when she thought she was going to die, she had never lost sight of the task at hand. Now, though?

She was lost and he didn't know how to help her get back home. Not when he didn't feel much better himself.

"I know," he finally said, resolving to not let her chase him away. "And I do respect that. I just… do you know how long you've been locked up in here?"

Sarah frowned, realising that she didn't. She'd kept the lights off and the inky blackness of space out of her window did little to inform her of the current time aboard the ship. Not long enough, she knew that much. Not when she still felt as if something had ruptured inside of her chest.

"Blue… it's been more than two days. You haven't eaten and I doubt you've slept."

He was right again on both counts. But she wasn't hungry. She was tired but she doubted that sleep would cure her of that. She suspected that she'd always be tired. Sick and tired of this roundabout of hope and failure. It had her wondering why she even bothered.

"Because there's good in the universe too," Red told her, answering her silent question.

"Red… I keep on letting people down and I… I can't… Not when the stakes are so high. You say that I can't blame myself but it is my fault… It's always my fault..."

"There is nothing you could have done."

"Which I'm sure gave Esme plenty of comfort at the end." She was beyond even noting the harsh, bitter tone of her words.

Red, however, just ignored the tone of her words as he went over to where she was sitting on the floor, leaning against the side of their bed. She was wrapped up in her blanket, with distinctive wet patches under her face, telling him that she had been crying. He sat down next to her, though didn't try to touch her through the blanket, leaving her with the option of space if she needed it.

"You're right," he told her. "It probably didn't give her much comfort. But I'd be willing to bet that the knowledge that she was loved did."

Sarah responded with a strangled sob as she buried her head in the blanket. "I can't do it, Red…" she muttered into the blanket so that he could only really decipher what she had said through their bond.

"Can't do what?"

"I can't release the virus!" she cried, lifting her head. "I know that I have to and that it's the only option but… I just… Argh!" She let out a frustrated cry, followed by a release of biotic energy that she sent towards the wall on the other side of her from him. After, she shut her eyes tight, concentrating on her breathing so as to dissipate her anger. "I'm sorry," she eventually managed, though her voice was barely more than a broken whisper. "When I'm not sad, I'm angry and… when I'm angry, I can't control my biotics…"

"Come on. I think you need to get out of this room."

She shook her head. "Red, if I can't control my biotics, I become a danger. I can't leave."

He nodded, understanding. Though he couldn't deny that he was a little glad. At least if she was losing control of her biotics, she wasn't shutting herself down. He didn't know that he could deal with Angel right now. "I was actually thinking of going somewhere where you could put your biotics to good use. Tia found the location of a large Cerberus base."

Sarah shifted at that, curling herself inwards even further. "Sounds like the perfect location to release the virus…"

"Blue, about what you said-"

"I know what I fucking said!" She got up at that, finally abandoning her blanket as she stormed away from him, leaning her brow plates against the window at the opposite end from where they had been sitting. She had been thankful for the burst of anger as it finally gave her the impetus she desperately needed, but now it had faded once more, leaving her feeling hollow. "If I don't release it, Cerberus will keep their upper hand and all of the other hybrids will be in danger. If I do… If I do, I will be killing thousands, possibly millions, of people. Just because of how they were created."

"You don't think you can do it?"

"I don't think that I could live with the guilt. But then, that seems like an awfully selfish reason to keep everyone else in danger. Just because it would keep my conscience clear…"

"Blue," Tiberius started, getting up so that he could stand next to her, her eyes following his reflection in the window, "that's not selfish. It's normal."

"Normal or not, I need to protect those I have dragged into this. I mean, the Cerberus hybrids are dead anyway, aren't they? It's just a matter of months. And, if I don't do this, Cee and Damien and the quarian councilor and everyone on the Normandy right now will be in danger."

"I won't lose you, Blue. Not to Cerberus and not to yourself. Don't do something you know will destroy you. There are others who can do this."

Sarah let out a barking laugh that sounded much like the sob she had let loose before. "That seems worse, somehow. If I'm the one making the decision, I'll be the one to release the virus. It's only right."

"Okay then," he replied but subharmonics betrayed the worry that he was refusing to voice.

"I mean to keep my promise, Red," she assured him. "You won't lose me, not even to myself. I just… Spirits, this is just fucked…"

"Yeah, on that we can definitely agree."