Chapter Thirteen:
-Zuko-
Katara's words kept ringing through my head for about a half hour. As much as I hate to admit it she is right. I'm not being fully honest with her, but I can't help it. She's fragile enough as it is! I don't know what to do now. Not to mention…what if this gives her the excuse to leave? She can't leave now. I don't want her to leave! Wait—did I really just think that?
After staring into the fire for too long, sitting up straight, and finding no peace from Katara's words my head started to droop as sleep tried to claim me.
"AHHHH!" was the first thing I heard as soon as my eyes closed. I was wide awake, alert and on my feet ready to fight as I looked around for the cause. There was no one around so luckily we're not being attacked. Then my eyes came to rest on Katara.
She was still asleep, but she was thrashing around like crazy screaming her lungs out. A night terror, I realized and rushed over to her not caring what she would do to me. Katara wouldn't stop screaming. The slightly rational part of my mind told me that she needed to stop screaming so no one would possibly come out looking for us. The more—I guess nice way to put it—irrational part told me to get her to wake up so she would stop scaring me half to death.
Once I reached her I grabbed her shoulders and shook her as gently yet roughly as I could. "Katara!" I shouted. "Katara wake up!" I shook her once more shouting, "Wake up!"
Katara bolted up right and stopped screaming. I immediately released her shoulders, but Katara didn't seem to notice. She whipped her head around taking in her surroundings, eyes wide with fear. She was panting heavily as sweat trickled down from her forehead. Finally she brought her eyes back to mine. I held my breath; the fear in her eyes kept me rooted in place. "Zuko" she whispered shakily.
"Yeah Katara I'm right here" I tried soothing her. "What happened? Why were you screaming?" I asked, hoping she would tell me something to take away the fear from her eyes.
"Do—do I have a mother?" she whispered inaudibly.
"What?" I leaned forward just a little so I could hear her better, but still give her enough space.
"Do I have a mother?!" she cried.
"Well…yeah you have a mother" I stated uncertainly. I had no clue what she was getting at. I think the slight lack of sleep is fogging up my head.
"That's not what I mean!"
"Then what do you mean? Katara I don't understand what your mother has to do with the nightmare you just had. So please tell me what happened." Katara recounted for me her nightmare. The black snow, the little girl she thought may have been her, the woman hiding the little girl in a pile of furs, the cruel man, and, finally, how he stabbed her in the heart. Needless to say about the last part I was horrified. I automatically knew that this had to be a memory, but there was no proof I was right. "That's when you started screaming" I stated out loud.
Katara was nodding her head when I looked back up at her. Tears were starting to brim at her eyes, begging to be released. "Zuko, please answer me truthfully, do I have a mother?" she choked out loud enough for me to hear.
Lie Zuko! My mind commanded me, but I just couldn't. Katara will only grow upset, but what choice do I have anymore? "Katara—I-" I looked away from her eyes down to her clenched hands trying to escape the pained look she was giving me "I don't know. We had only met a couple of times before you lost your memory. You had never mentioned your mother to me, except for one small detail."
"What is it?"
I held up both of my hands. One to warn her I wasn't going to hurt her. The other to reach out and grab a hold of the pendant around her neck. I stroked the pendant's smooth surface with my thumb. "This necklace you always wear," I began, "belongs to your mother. So you keep a part of her close." I let go of the necklace to see the tears just start to stream down Katara's cheeks. "And I know you can't remember right now, but regardless of if your mother is still-regardless you always have her with you. In there." I pointed to her heart hoping that would make Katara feel slightly better. Instead Katara just brought her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and rested her head on top of them as she cried her eyes out.
My stomach twisted uncomfortably and my heart clenched tightly in my chest. I never wanted to see Katara cry again after that first night. Yet here I am watching her cry as I sit here helpless as to what to do to help her.
Oh man, what would Uncle do if he was here? He would probably make her the tea to help her sleep and saying soothing words with some quote of wisdom. Yeah I can't do that because my tea making skills are horrible and so far everything I have said have not helped. Very briefly I wondered what my own father would do and immediately retreated from that thought. At the very least he probably would have told her to suck it up and go back to bed. Then I went down the path I told myself I would never go down.
What would my mother do?
As if by just thinking that I was drawn into my own flashback to when I was about seven years old and I had just let out a short scream after hearing a loud crash of thunder.
My mother, Ursa, came into my room carrying a lit candle with her as she approached me. Her golden eyes shined from the candle as she looked at me worriedly. Her dark hair was draped around her face instead of it being up like she would normally have it during the day.
"Zuko my child what's that matter?" she asked in her soothing voice that would instantly calm me down at just about any given time.
"The thunder was really loud and it scared me" I explained quietly; my voice still a little higher compared to what I sound like now.
"It's alright. The thunder is miles away. It just likes to be very loud at times." I smiled at my mother. "That's better. Now, why don't you go back to sleep? The thunder can't hurt you."
I pouted and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I was always very stubborn. "No."
"Oh and why not?"
"I don't want to."
Mother pretended to think this over before she smiled down at me again. "How about this," she started in her thoughtful voice; she always did that when she was about to come up with a compromise for me, "what if I stay here with you until you fall asleep. Does that seem fair to you?"
I beamed up at her and nodded my head. She held out her arms for me and I scooted over on the bed to her. Holding onto my shoulders she lowered me down until my head was resting on her lap and she started to stroke the sides of my face with her warm hands. Already I was starting to drift back to sleep. "Sweet dreams my dear son. I love you."
"Love you too Mom" I whispered before I fell asleep again.
With that the flash back ended. Oh, how I missed my mother. Suddenly I felt something wet start to drip down my right cheek. I was crying. Immediately I wiped away the tear. No more slip ups for me, I promised myself as I continued to watch Katara. She was still in the same position crying her eyes out. I knew what to do now. But…I also knew she might possibly try to kill me for this. Regardless of the possible consequences I have to try.
Without making a sound I went to stand behind Katara. I got down on my knees and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible against the tree she had originally been near. Here goes nothing, I thought as I took a steadying breath. Then I reached out and gently grabbed Katara's shoulders.
Katara gasped loudly as I slowly brought her back towards me so she would be lying down. Katara was barely allowing herself to breathe as she kept as still as possible. Clearly I was breaking the boundaries we had originally established, but I could care less right about now. Finally I laid Katara's head on my lap and carefully laid the spare blanket she had been using over her to keep her warm.
"Zuko what are you-" Katara cut herself off as I started to stroke her forehead and the sides of her face with my hands. I slightly raised my body temperature using my inner fire, warming my hands, to help her stay warm and see if that would possibly help her relax so she could go back to sleep. Ever so slowly her breathing started to slow down from the high pitched, increased breathing she had been doing before. After a few more minutes it didn't seem like she minded anymore.
I couldn't explain to myself why, but I felt strangely compelled to break the silence. Once again I began to think of my mother. "I was only eight" I heard myself say.
Katara only tilted her head back slightly to get a better look at me. "You were only eight when what?" Katara asked confused.
I continued stroking her face. "I was only eight when my mother disappeared." I heard Katara take an intake of breath. "We were always together. I spent more time with her than the rest of my family, not counting my Uncle; when I was younger he was pretty busy. One night my Mother comes into my room while I'm sleeping and says good bye. Unfortunately I thought I was dreaming because it was still too early for anyone else to even be awake yet. Last thing I remember seeing of her is her smiling at me sadly as she pulls a hood over her head. When I woke up again I realized she was gone. No one knows where she went. To this day, I don't know if she's even alive or…" I didn't finish the statement. Katara was able to figure it out on her own and I never like crossing that path whenever I would start to think about her.
"I'm so sorry Zuko" Katara whispered. Closing my eyes to keep the tears from breaking free I never noticed Katara move her hand to grab a hold of the one that was not stroking her face. My eyes snapped open. Her hand felt so cool against my slightly heated skin. Looking into her eyes I just noticed now how they reminded me of the ocean. They were a beautiful color and yet it showed just how much was hidden there.
She gave my hand a small squeeze in a comforting way and tried her best to give me a small smile. I returned the gesture. Oddly enough, I felt relieved to have told someone about my Mother. "Thank you for listening Katara. Now I want you go to sleep." Katara's eyes widened considerably and she shook her head repeatedly. "Katara you need your rest if you want to get any better."
"But the nightmare…what if I have another nightmare? What if I get scared?" Katara started to panic.
"Katara I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here the rest of the night while you sleep." Katara looked like she was about to protest so I added, "Don't worry I'll make sure I get some sleep too."
"You promise?"
I looked her square in the eyes as I responded. "I promise."
Katara nodded and closed her eyes. "Night Zuko."
"Night Katara." Katara's breathing started to slow to a regular rhythm as she drifted off to sleep. I continued to stroke her forehead and the sides of her face. Her skin feels so smooth compared to mind. Absentmindedly I ran my hand through her hair. It was soft and slipped through my fingers with ease. Not a single snarl; I highly doubt my hair is in the same condition.
I continued to run my hands through her chocolate brown hair and I noticed how the fire cast shadows across her tan skin. Then, without even realizing what I was doing, I started to lean my head down closer and closer to Katara's forehead. My lips were an inch from her forehead, literally, when I snapped myself out of my daze.
What the—Zuko what's the matter with you?! I yelled at myself. You almost kissed Katara! Well technically her forehead, but that doesn't matter! What was I thinking?! If Katara had woken up to see that—it wouldn't have mattered if she could water bend or not! I would have been pinned to the tree in a heartbeat!
I'm yelling at myself and yet, I also feel—disappointed? I wanted to kiss her? Is that what my mind is trying to say? I sighed loudly to myself as I tried to make myself more comfortable against the tree without disturbing Katara. I kept my hand close to the side of Katara's face for warmth as I lowered the fires flames just enough to keep us both warm. I sneaked one more glance at her. She looked so calm now. All trace of fear, anxiety, and anything else she may be feeling just disappeared to be replaced with a face I had seen only once in all the encounters we had before I found her in the woods.
So much has changed in just a few short days. And yet, I don't think I mind. Zuko, I do believe you are slowly losing your mind, is the last thought to run through my head before I succumbed to sleep.