Return to Memory
Chapter 4: Back to the Beginning…Again
He ran.
The Doctor ran faster and harder than he had ever remembered running before. Instead of wandering through the market as he had on his way there, he went straight into the forest behind his house. Trees passed by in silver blurs. He almost tripped several times on tree roots or unsuspecting wildlife. All he could think of was getting to that planet to get her back. It took him only a few minutes to complete the journey and burst through the doors of his TARDIS.
She greeted him with a melancholy chime, understanding his pain at the loss of Rose. She loved her, too. Rose had been the TARDIS's favorite companion- that was why she had allowed Rose to look into her heart to begin with. He began to pull levers and push buttons, and this time the TARDIS cooperated. The rotor began grinding up and down and the ship dematerialized into the vortex.
The vortex was much more difficult to navigate than it had been previously. There were many twists and turns and tight spaces to get to the place that Gallifrey had been recreated. As he did the math he realized that this was the only place in the universe that a new planet could be created and not alter the gravitational path of another. She had created his planet outside of time and space.
He entered the coordinates for Korlok IV, the stone palace in which she had made the wish. The TARDIS made it clear through various electric shocks that she did not care to return there. He didn't either, but he didn't know where else to start. When the ship landed, he stood there for a moment; afraid of what he would find when he stepped out of the doors. If his aim was correct, and in situations like this it always was (no matter how much Rose teased him about his driving), he would be in the stone room. He stepped out of the doors and into the room.
The stone was there, in the center of the room. The breeze ruffled his hair and the carpet was warm under his suddenly bare feet. The sunlight filtered into the room through the open sides of the temple and he approached the stone. He knew the moment he touched it that this wasn't going to work.
The stone was cold, all the magic gone.
He collapsed to the floor of the room, for the first time in his life completely out of ideas. His mind was one great big blank, his hearts in several pieces and beating painfully in his chest. She had used up the magic in the stone with her wish, and now there was none left to reverse it. He had no way to bring her back, not when he was messing with something completely out of the realms of science. Tears once again fell from his eyes and he didn't bother wiping them away. He understood why she had done this, but he wished with all his hearts that she hadn't. He could have been holding her now, safe in the TARDIS; still homeless, but not without her. His mind would never be lonely again, but his hearts would always long for her. How could he go live the life she had built for him if he wasn't with her?
A sound in the room made him turn his head quickly. Marania stood there, a sad smile on her face and a rose in her hand. He remained silent and waited for her to speak. She approached him and extended the flower to him.
"The Goddess gives you this. To bring you hope." She said, a knowing look in her eyes.
He took it from her, frowning slightly. Without Rose, was there any point in trying not to be rude? The Goddess had gotten her wish wrong and messed everything up. He was supposed to have Rose his love, not rose the flower. He seethed in quiet rage for a moment before calming himself. Rose would be sad if he returned to the somber man he was before she was with him.
The scent of the flower drifted into his nose and it smelled like her- strawberries and denim and the vortex. He buried his nose in the petals, inhaling it and imagining it was her hair. How could this give him hope? All it did was remind him that she wasn't there.
He looked up at her, ignoring the tears that were still trailing down his face. "What do you mean? Where is she?"
She shook her head. " I don't know."
He stood, angry at the universe for playing such games with him. "You have to know!"
She smiled softly at him. "It is not my business to know what she plans."
"Then how am I supposed to find her?" he felt the Oncoming Storm brewing inside of him, and this time he knew he didn't have the strength to fight it.
"Go home." She said.
"What?" he asked, confused and rather angry at her order.
"Go home."
He stood firmly now, like a stubborn child that refused to eat their vegetables. "I'm not leaving until I find her, or at least a clue as to what happened to her."
He was surprised at the genuine sadness in the woman's eyes. "Then you will never find her."
She looked down to the ground between them and he stepped closer to her, determined to get her attention and find out where Rose was. "I didn't want this. I'm pretty sure she didn't want this either."
Marania shook her head. "The Goddess molds everything to the best."
His fingers tightened on the stem of the rose, the thorns biting into his palm. "This isn't the best! I don't have Rose!"
Her eyes shot to his face and he saw anger there. "The Goddess never makes a mistake! She would not leave one lonely heart in pieces. Imagine what care she would take with many?"
He was silent at this, anger seething under his skin.
She relaxed into her gentle demeanor once more. "Go home."
There were no more clues here, no magic, and no trace of Rose. He turned back to the TARDIS and went inside. The TARDIS moaned gently, the walls throughout the ship creaking under the weight of her grief. She prodded the Doctor's mind, asking what they were going to do next.
"We're going home." He said gently, sitting on the captain's chair and lifting the flower to his nose once more. He prayed that it never died, so he could remember her this way at least. His head was suddenly throbbing, and looking down he saw that the TARDIS had thrown a wrench at his head, obviously angry at the idea of giving up.
"I'm not giving up!" he shouted to the ship. "I just don't know where to start!"
The ship poked his mind again, obviously meaning that that wasn't good enough.
"What do you want me to do, go wandering about for nothing? I'll never find her if I do that! There are too many places, too many variables!" he yelled, exasperated and frustrated and so, so very sad.
The TARDIS prodded him again, obviously meaning that was exactly what she wanted him to do.
He sighed and laid his head in his hands. "What if she really is dead?" he said softly, afraid to voice his greatest fear but needing to be reassured.
A pain shot through his right shoulder and he knew the TARDIS had now thrown the sonic hammer at him. Obviously she either thought the idea was ridiculous or was afraid of that as well and was angry at him for voicing it. He sighed and stood up, determined to return to Gallifrey for some food. He didn't have anything in the TARDIS at the moment, and he needed to eat if he was going to try and find Rose the way his ship wanted to go about it. He would do it, though.
He worked the console as they slipped into the vortex, the TARDIS almost driving herself there. The path through the vortex was tricky, but she found her way fine. He was checking the monitor once again to make sure they were on track as they landed, and he saw four words that made his heart twist and leap at the same time.
Bad Wolf still burns.
He almost smacked himself for being such an idiot. The TARDIS was connected with her! The TARDIS had known she was alive- no wonder she had thrown things at him when she thought he had given up! That meant that now he knew for sure that she was still alive, or at least a part of her was. All he had to do was find her and figure out how to make it right! For the first time since he had last touched her hand, the Doctor felt hope that he could be with her again. He ran to his room and gingerly placed the rose from the temple on his bed before running back to the console room.
"Don't worry old girl. She's out there somewhere and I'll find her! I have to!"
He threw himself out the doors, hoping to make a quick stop for food before jumping back in the vortex to search for any sign of her. The TARDIS had landed him in the middle of the lower-class village. His house was on the edge of the village, right next to the forest. He liked to be as far from the citadel as possible and he found he loved the people of the lower class. Rose had definitely built his memories accurately. He was building a device to track the heart of the TARDIS and find Bad Wolf in his mind as he walked down the street, through the same marketplace he had been through just a few hours ago. He still couldn't get it into his head that his planet had returned. He stopped at a vendor to buy a golanka waffle. He hadn't had one in centuries.
He almost choked on his waffle when he heard a voice that terrified him.
"What the hell are you going on about now? It's your turn to run the shop. All right, fine. But be back here in five minutes!"
He turned around. He knew it couldn't be the person he thought it was.
In the little shop next to him was an older blonde woman, dressed in the white robes of the lower class. Her voice pierced his ears again as she accepted money from a customer and sent him off.
Before him stood Jackie Tyler.
His waffle seemed to double in size in his mouth as it went dry. He worked to swallow it before stepping closer, pretending to browse the merchandise. Would she remember him? Did she know who he was? Well, of course she knew who he was on Gallifrey- Rose had made him a household name, but what about her daughter? Where was she?
He continued to eavesdrop, knowing he had caught her attention by picking up a magazine. Gossip mag. Right. It was Jackie, after all. He found it a bit odd that she completely ignored him in favor of the other customers. Did she know who he was and didn't want to say anything? That wasn't like her at all. He had expected at least a slap by now.
He extended his telepathy subtly; not enough that others would notice, but enough that he could gain a little information from a human.
He was blocked. Jackie had defenses. Time Lord defenses.
Jackie was a Time Lady?
That was beyond weird. He drew back immediately, before she realized he had been trying to hack his way into her mind. He was so busy pretending to be absorbed in the magazine that he didn't notice when Jackie left and was replaced by another person.
"Can I help you with something?" he heard from a familiar voice. A very familiar voice. He dropped the magazine.
Rose Tyler stood before him, dressed like her mother. His hearts absolutely soared at the sight of her, and he was glad he noticed the tightness of her smile before he had acted.
She was giving him that "Buy something or leave" smile that salespeople give to people. This wasn't her Rose-loves-the-Doctor smile. She had no idea who he was. But this was Rose. His Rose. He could see Bad Wolf in her timelines, though they seemed to be shrouded by her alternate timelines. She didn't remember him? He pushed his hurt to the side to be dealt with later. He knew it was very important at this moment that he not make himself look like a complete creeper to Rose.
"Um…yes, I was wondering if you had any…uh…chocolate?"
Her eyebrow raised and she pointedly glanced at the large display of chocolate that he currently had his elbow resting on. Ah. So much for not looking like an idiot.
He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck, a gesture Rose had teased him mercilessly about in this regeneration. "Ah. I see. Need new glasses, me."
She gave a little laugh, which encouraged him to continue speaking to her. It was almost closing time for the market and people were thinning out. It was only the two of them at the shop now. He had run into her by chance, and now he needed a guarantee that he would be able to find her again. He resorted to the only line he could come up with in his mind. "So, you come here often?"
Apparently, his mind was an idiot too. It was a very good thing that she thought that was funny.
"I work here with my mum." She said, laughing. Her salesgirl smile was gone, and now it was just a Rose smile. It warmed his hearts. He had though he would never see that smile again. Her eyebrows furrowed a bit, and he knew that was the expression that meant she was about to ask a question she already knew the answer to.
"You're the Doctor, aren't you?" Hearing her say his name, even in this context, made him smile widely. Which seemed to confuse her a bit. Right. Better tone the manic down until she remembers.
"Yeah. What's your name?" he already knew, but he should have her say it before he did and she thought he was a creep.
She blushed and looked down. "Rose. Rose Tyler."
He had to resist grabbing her hand and telling her to run, like he had when he first met her. He didn't notice when Jackie came in and took the register away, he was so focused on her. A grin spread across his face, her name filling him with warmth.
"Nice to meet you, Rose Tyler." He held out his hand to shake hers, and she took it. Her temperature matched his and a spark rushed between them. Good to know that was still there, though she looked surprised. Her grin returned full-force, and she met his eyes. There was no recognition, but there was excitement.
"Nice to meet you too, Doctor." She said.
He picked up a chocolate bar and reached his hand into his pocket to pay for it. Rose glanced over to where she left the register, surprised at its absence.
"Actually, I think we're closed for the night." She said, apologetically.
He put the chocolate back before offering her a smile. "I suppose I'll just have to come back tomorrow?" he said.
She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, tomorrow."
He leaned over the counter a bit, loving this flirting game but still wishing he could kiss her and hold her. "Will you be here tomorrow?"
She nodded again, her cheeks turning a cute pink. "Yeah. All day." Still pink and yellow then. That's good. Though he was pretty sure she wasn't human anymore.
He nodded. "Good."
She agreed. "Good."
He didn't want to leave her, even when she didn't know him. But he knew he couldn't stay with her now, when she didn't remember how important she was to him. She didn't remember how she had saved the universe, his people, and him. He held onto the hope that, somewhere inside, she knew she loved him. And he loved her.
"I'll see you tomorrow, then." He grinned, turning to leave.
She gave him a small wave. "Yeah."
He returned to the TARDIS, heading straight to the kitchen. He was still hungry, and had absolutely no idea where his waffle went.
As he made beans on toast, because it reminded him of Rose, he relayed his story to the TARDIS. When he finished eating he transported his ship to his home, parking her right in his bedroom. He wasn't sure if he could sleep outside his TARDIS, but he was willing to give it a try.
As he was walking out the doors he finished his story, telling the TARDIS how Rose seemed at least charmed already.
"I told you I've got the moves!" he said as he closed the blue doors.
He was met with a pillow to the head. Ah. So the TARDIS had made friends with his house.
He was exhausted, as he hadn't slept for weeks and hadn't eaten since breakfast with Rose on the TARDIS. How many days ago was that? It felt like months, but he was pretty sure it had only been one day. With a full stomach and heavy eyes, he laid down on his bed and fell asleep almost instantly.
He dreamed of golden hair, pink cheeks, and forever.
A/N: So, what did you think? Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? There will be more chapters, all of which I am still working on. Let me know what you thought about it! Reviews always make me write faster!
With Love,
doctorrosetyler