The Apprehensive and The Optimistic

Chapter 8

all mistakes are mine

APIH

"I'll tell you when to turn," Anthony said, smiling and he relaxed in his seat. He was glad to be back in town. He actually missed it for once. Or maybe he just missed his friends. Particularly Ian.

His dad smiled, "Why didn't you just drive here yourself?"

"I want to wait to bring my car in at the perfect time!" Anthony replied, laughing, "Like randomly showing up at Ian's to give him a ride to school on my first day. I don't know, I haven't decided on how to tell him yet."

"Tell him about your car, or about you going to the same school as him?" His dad asked coyly.

"Both." Anthony said, staring out the window of the car. Smile still on his face.

After a few moments of silence his dad sighed, "Anthony, can I ask you something?" Before Anthony could reply his father continued, "You can trust me. I won't run and tell your mother until you'll ready for her to know, and if you want, I'll be there for you." He glanced at his son, giving him a smile. For some reason Anthony's heart started racing. "You talk very highly of this Ian guy, he seems great too. But I just have to ask, first of all, is he gay?"

"Yeah, he is." Anthony said, nodding his head.

"Okay." He dad smiled, "You know I don't care about that kind of stuff, especially in today's world. But, um, don't be a offended, but do you like this guy? You're constantly talking about him, and the way you talk about him." His dad chuckled fondly, "It was how I use to talk about your mom, and how I talk about Karen."

Anthony blushed, "Wh-What! Dad!" He looked out the window, his chest feeling like it would burst, "Geez."

"Is that a yes?" His father teased, and Anthony only felt more miserable.

"I don't know! Last month I would be looking at the magazines you got me but now..."

"WHOA!" His dad was blushing now, "Y-You don't have to go into detail, Ant. I get you."

Anthony's eyes widened and he looked at his father, mouth slack, "Wai-Wait! NO that's not what I meant.. I don't think—" He felt flushed and hot, "I don't think about Ian like that!" He rubbed his neck nervously, "I'm just saying that I don't find interest in them anymore, like, I dunno. Is that weird?"

His dad, shrugged, "Well, I'm not sure. You could just be tired of it, maybe. But you're avoiding my original question, Anthony."

Anthony shrugged and slouched in his seat, "I dunno, dad. I'm not sure what liking someone even feels like."

"Good." His dad said, and Anthony gave him a confused look, "It feels good. It's not all that different from friendship. You smile at memories, or laugh at them. You're comfortable and happy for the person. You constantly think about them. You-"

"-miss them when there not around?" Anthony finished.

"Yeah, do I keep-?"

"Yeah, keep straight." Anthony nodded and stared at the road ahead of them. He sighed and itched his cheek. He felt confused, his dad seemed to think he had feelings for Ian, but did he really? Sure he missed Ian over break, he thought about him, he could smile at the thought of him. But surely there was more to liking someone than that. Anthony shifted in his seat. He did get jealous whenever David was with Ian. David. Anthony groaned, "It doesn't matter if I like him, dad. He, well, he kind of has a boyfriend."

"Kind of?" His dad asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Anthony replied trying to think of the easiest way to explain Ian's and David's relationship, "They've been into each other for, like, two years. But they aren't official. Apparently they've gone on dates and stuff too, and done other stuff too." Anthony explained, not meaning to sound so bitter when he did. His dad was quiet for a few minutes, staring at the roads, so Anthony kept talking, "I worry. Ian confessed he had some commitment issues. I mean, I just wonder why, and if he'll every tell me why. Sorry for complaining, I have no one to talk to about this...I can't talk to Ian. And I don't know his friends well-"

"Don't apologize. It's fine." He smiled and something flashed in his eyes that Anthony didn't have enough time to read. His dad shrugged again, "Give him time. It's not uncommon. I can only imagine the crap he had to of gone through to spend two years with someone and not be in an actual relationship with them. The guy must really like Ian. Damn." He whistled.

Anthony stared at his dad, then looked down at nothing in particular, "When we had the sleepover he told Ian he loved him in front of everyone."

Anthony dad's eye's widened, "What?! No way."

The dark haired teen smiled at his dad's reaction, "Yeah, he did. Ian...he had a break down though." His smile faltered as he remember the night, " He got worked up because he couldn't say it back after two years, and just...he said a lot of stuff that was personal and should have been private." His father shook his head, Anthony continued, "He cried so long and hard he actually had an asthma attack. It was crazy..."

"You can have an-"

"Yep." Anthony nodded, "Turn here, and stop outside the apartments." His father did was he was told, and stopped the vehicle. "Thanks, dad." Anthony smiled, grabbing his backpack from the backseat.

"Hey, Anthony." His dad said, and Anthony looked at him while he put his backpack on, "Don't stress over Ian, and feelings, and jealousy, and just teenage things. If it's meant to be, it'll work itself out."

Anthony smiled, and nodded, "Thanks dad, I'll see you." He turned and walked up to the apartment door, his fathers vehicle's engine in the distance. Anthony blinked at the list of numbers on the keyboard, and clicked 304, Hecox above it, paper fading and almost unreadable. Suddenly he heard voice, imitating a British accent, "Hello! You've buzzed the Hecox residence, how can I assist you?"

Anthony chuckled, "Let me in, asshole."

He heard Ian scoff, "Rude!" But the door buzzed and clicked, signaling it was open. Anthony stepped forward and pulled it open. He walked down the
short hall and stepped in the elevator, clicking the third floor. The elevator rattled and suddenly he was moving up. He could feel the idiotic smile on his face as he shifted his backpack on his shoulders. He wasn't sure why he had butterflies in the pit of his stomach. His smile faltered some, he didn't really know how he felt about his and his fathers conversation. He didn't want to say he didn't like Ian. It was a possibility. And he did care a lot about him. Ian was funny, and nice. He wasn't ugly, not that Anthony cared much about looks. But were the feelings more than friendship? It was strange to think about.

He didn't have a problem with gays. But, he was pretty sure he wasn't one. Sure, he saw a guy now and then that were attractive, and he would admit it. But when he thought of himself with another guy he stomach felt weird. Not a Good weird either. Was the relationship any different from being with a girl? As the elevator dinged opened he exited, rubbing the back of his neck.

What did gay guys even do together? Could a guy give another guy flowers? Or a Teddie bear? Girls liked that. Or did gays just do guy stuff. Like play video games together? Every gay guy he'd seen on TV acted like a girl. But Ian and David didn't act like that at all. They were just normal guys. Anthony felt himself blush as his head traveled south, thinking about gay sex. He shuddered some, he was so clueless. He couldn't look it up either, not with his mom's parental watch on his computer.

He found himself outside Ian's door and knocked on it. The door swung open almost immediately and Ian was grinning at him, "Hey man!"

Anthony blinked. Ian had facial hair. It didn't look bad, it was just a little patchy in spots, "Dude. Your face is manly."

Ian unconsciously rubbed the stubble, "Mm, Yeah. Now shut it and hug me." Then Ian's arms were around him, and Anthony just felt so warm.

When he said he felt warm, he meant everywhere. He hugged back, feeling a little awkward, but enjoying it. His skin warmed, and his insides warmed. He felt a little tingly, and his idiotic smile was back. His brain became fascinated with how nice it felt to have Ian's body pressed against his, and how perfect Ian seemed to fit his curves, and vice versa. Ian squeezed and Anthony heard someone clear their throat, "Anthony, It's nice to see you."

In a blink of an eye Ian's warmth was gone and now he was standing a few feet away. Why did this hug feel so different from the first time they'd done it? Anthony blinked at him, then turned his attention to David, "Yeah, man. Back at you." He brushed his bangs out of his eyes.

"I'm sure." David said, a sort of attitude to his voice. A tone Anthony hadn't heard from him before, and he felt his mood weaken. He didn't want to get angry with David. He seemed like a nice guy, and he was cool. But somehow the guy was always on his nerves. David walked to Ian and hugged him, kissing his temple, "Call me before you go to bed."

"Yeah, I will." Ian said and David pulled away, "Hey.." Ian frowned and David looked back. Ian planted a kiss on David's lips that so sweet and tender Anthony felt himself wonder what it be like to be kissed like that. Maybe even have Ian kiss him like that.

David gave a small smile and squeezed past Anthony. The taller teen moved into Ian's apartment and shut the door behind him. Ian was staring at the floor and Anthony felt awkward, "Everything okay?"

Ian looked up at him, "What..Yeah! Of course. What did you want to do?" Ian began fiddling with something around his neck.

Anthony blinked and stepped forward, probably closer to Ian than necessary, but he wanted more of that warmth. He lifted his hand, and took the necklace in his hand, "Whoa. This is...nice."

"David gave it to me." Ian said, his hands falling to his sides. Ian had a soft frown on his face, "He gave it to me when I agreed to be his boyfriend."

Anthony looked at Ian, catching his eyes. His lips parted as he searched Ian's blue eyes for any indication he was joking, but the look was serious. Ian didn't look happy though, he looked a little nervous and scared. "You guys are...how'd that happen?" Before Ian could answer Anthony frowned, "Why didn't you tell me?" He couldn't help but let his voice drip with betrayal. How could Ian not say anything to him? Was Anthony an idiot for thinking They were actually best friends? Or even close friends?

"I tried!" Ian said, sounding desperate. Anthony couldn't remember anything about this. "You asked me if something happened the other day, and when I said yes, you didn't text me back until like three hours later. So I figured you were busy."

Suddenly it hit him. He day his Dad gave him his car. "You told me to forget about it, dude, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Anthony frowned at Ian, he felt bad. But more worried.

"I'm...just dandy." Ian said, closing his eyes and sighing.

"Well.. when did he ask you?" Anthony pried.

Ian walked out to the living room and plopped back on the couch, sighing again, "After we hung up on Thanksgiving. We...kind of argued. And he asked me. Let's just say; that was my only chance to say yes."

Anthony followed after, sitting beside him, he tilted his head, "Argued? About what? " He wasn't sure if he should have been prying, but he couldn't help it. He didn't know how he felt. He wasn't or sad, he didn't feel jealous either. He kind of felt numb, like none of this was real. He was that shocked, to say the least.

Ian looked like he was debating something, which made Anthony more curious. Ian shrugged his shoulders, "You actually. I told him not to do that crap while we're on the phone and then..." He looked like he was debating something again, and Anthony didn't talk, curious about David's reaction. He did feel a little happy Ian told David not to mess around while Ian was on the phone with him. Antony hated that. Ian looked at Anthony, "David thinks you have a crush on me."

Anthony blinked, and he looked off to the side, "Uhh..Oh." He said lamely, his heart increase speed and he itched his cheek, "Weird."

"Is it?" Ian asked and Anthony avoided his curious stare. Suddenly, Anthony felt warmth on his cheek and he looked at Ian, who had his hand placed gently on his cheek. Ian had the tiniest smile on his face, yet Anthony was blushing red, "Do you? It's okay if you do. I won't be mad, I think it'd be cute." Anthony opened his mouth and closed it a few times. Looking like a fish out of water. Ian's smile grew, chuckling, and Anthony wasn't sure if Ian noticed he was moving closer, "Anthony, if you do you should really tell me." Despite the smile, his eyes switched to a serious gaze, before becoming fond. The fondness he and David shared. And Ian was looking at him like that.

That wasn't right. Ian's thumb suddenly moved back and forth, stroking his cheek. This wasn't right. It felt right, but somehow Anthony knew that it wans't. His brain winning over his feelings. David. The second Anthony noticed the curious look on Ian's face again, and Ian's gaze move to Anthony's lips, he forced himself to answer, "I don't." He bluntly, taking Ian's wrist and moving it from his cheek. Anthony's heart ached in a painful way, as Ian's face fell.

"Oh." He was blushing in a shameful way, causing Anthony more pain, "Oh God. I'm sorry Anthony, I just-"

"It's okay." Anthony smiled some. "I won't say anything. You can't blame yourself."

Ian blinked, "What? Of course I'm to blame!" He moved away from him, " I thought about... God, I wanted... with you." Ian covered this mouth, furrowing his eyebrows.

Anthony felt his heart leap with hope, "Ian," Anthony forced a smirk, "You can't blame yourself, I mean have you seen me?" Anthony motioned to himself jokingly. Even though his chest felt painfully tight.

Ian smiled, and snorted, "I didn't mean to boost your confidence." He joked back, but his voice was strained.

Anthony laughed, "It was the emo hair, huh?" The mood was lifting, and Ian seemed to calm down. Which was Good.

"Most definitely not." Ian faked gagged and They both laughed.

Anthony's chest still hurt. Because he realized after all that, he did like Ian. He liked his warm, and fond smile and even the brushes of their shoulders. He knew these feelings were going to grow, and he mourned the day They would become to much to handle. And he hated the fact he lied to Ian's face, and ruined his chance with the other. All he could think about that night was what would've happened if he would have said yes. And if it would be okay to buy Ian flowers and teddie bears if They were boyfriends.

APIH
Anthony felt himself panic a little. He paced in his room, number on the screen but afraid to dial it. Was it even the right number? It was so old... Anthony didn't like this. He never really talked about his feelings. But he'd been so stressed lately. Filling out paper work for the public school, taking tests, and picking classes. His mom was barely acknowledging him and he felt truly alone. Even when he was with Ian he felt weird. He wanted to tell Ian, and confess he lied. Maybe Ian would say yes.

Then Anthony would come back to reality. David and Ian had been together so long. He was so selfish to believe Ian would leave David for him. He was an asshole for wanting to have Ian to himself. He was horrible, and selfish, and he didn't deserve anyone. Anthony groaned and fell back on his bed. He couldn't think straight, he was so stressed. He needed someone. And as badly as he wanted to, he couldn't go to Ian, one of the sources of his problems.
Anthony sat up and stared at the number again. He breathed slowly and nodded to himself, "Dial it." And he did. He nervously lifted the phone to his ear.

It rang a few times, and as Anthony was about to give up he heard the voice, "Halla?" The first thing Anthony noticed was how different he sounded. He blinked in shock, he hadn't heard the other teens voice in so long. "...Halla?" He repeated.

"OH!" Anthony itched his neck, "Is this Felix K-Kjellberg? I-uh-It's Anthony Padilla..." He knew it was Felix though, even if his voice was different, he could just tell.

"Anthony? Anthony! It's been too long!" Felix's voice was louder and Anthony smiled some, holding the phone away from his ear, he missed Felix. His voice had a heavy accent now, Anthony found it kind of cool. When they were younger Felix just had a light one, barely noticeable.

"Too long." Anthony commented, "How is everything? Hows life been? How's your sister?" He had so many questions, some he didn't have the time to ask.

"Everything is great, and has been. My sister is doing great as always." Felix chuckled fondly, "How about you, friend? How's life treating you?"

Anthony frowned. Was it okay just to call someone to complain about your life? Or was he doing something even more selfish? He sighed, "I-I'm sorry, Felix. I called because... I have a lot going on, and I don't have anyone to talk to."

Anthony heard shifting from Felix's side, "It's okay Anthony. Start at the beginning."

So Anthony did. He started from the party all the way until the current day. He told Felix about his new friends, his mothers money struggles, his brother moving in with his dad, and his confusing crush on his best friend. Felix listened, asking a question here or there. By the time he was finished he missed Felix. He missed playing Super Mario with him after school everyday, he missed arguing about who would ask Sarah to formal, and he missed the Swedish teens obnoxious laugh, and constant need to put a swear word in every sentence. He felt bad, he always said he had no friends, not even considering Felix. They didn't talk a lot, but here was Anthony, telling his problems to a guy he hadn't talked to in almost year, and hadn't seen longer. Felix was his friend. His oldest friend. "I-I'm sorry we don't talk a lot." Anthony felt the corner of his eyes fill with unwanted tears, from the stress and frustration the past week, and from the pain that was ahead of him, "I'm sorry I'm just randomly calling to complain- Geez, I'm such a-"

"Anthony, shut the fuck up." Felix said and Anthony's mouth closed but he could stop his lip from quivering, "Listen to me; stop apologizing, man. None of this is your fault, and we all need someone to rely on when we're in a bad spot. I'm not mad that you're randomly calling me. I'm happy." Felix said, and Anthony felt himself smile a little as his sniffed and rubbed his eyes, "Now, as for your issues. You need to stop worrying about everything, and stop thinking about the what ifs. Just take a minute before you go to bed tonight, think about everything you truly want. Close you eyes and just like a peace settle over you, let it work itself out. You're a 17 year old, out of shape, gamer. You're no where close to Superman."

Anthony chuckled, "When did you get so deep?" He sniffed again, rubbing his nose against his sleeve.

Felix chuckled softly, "Because someone told me the same thing once, and I took her advice."

Anthony frowned and stared in front of him blankly, at nothing in particular, "Did it work?"

"Well," Felix said with a sigh, "Yes and no. I learned that life does stuff in weird fucked up ways, and all you can do it to adapt and go with it. Or get lost in your big shit storm of problems." He chuckled again, "But, taking her advice, I'm the happiest I've ever been."

Anthony nodded, "Yeah. It's just hard."

"I know, trust me." Felix said, sympathetic tone in his voice, "The thing with your mom and brother. You're helpless with that. Although, you liking your best friend is easier to handle." Felix said, "You could easily tell her, or you could just go along with the ride until it's the right time."

Anthony fiddle this the strings of his hoodie, he hadn't told Felix his best friend was a guy, "Uh, one more thing." Felix hummed and Anthony took a deep breath, "H-How do you know if you're gay?"

Felix was quiet for a few minutes and Anthony actually felt sweat forming on his brow. Felix scoffed, "I don't know? You like guys, I think that's pretty fucking obvious. You think they're cuter and hotter and stuff then girls."

Anthony frowned, "Are you gay if you only think about one guy?"

"Nah," The Swede said casually, "The you're either Bi, Pan, or you're just that person sexual." Felix chuckled, "Or you're you. You don't need a label for everything."

Anthony smiled at his casual, accepting tone. They talked for over an hour after that. Getting to know each other again. Anthony found out Felix had a girlfriend named Marzia, she lived Italy, and he met her online and she saved him from a very depressed state. He was also visiting her for the first him during the summer. Anthony talked about his new car, and going to public school. He talked about Ian, Mari, Josh, Matt and he even talked about David. When they hung up Anthony got a shower and went back to his room turned off his light, crawled in bed and shut his eyes and relaxed. He cleared his mind and thought about what he wanted. Felix was right, he automatically relaxed. When Anthony woke up the next morning he felt content. He was ready for his meeting with the guidance counselor, to get his schedule and start school Wednesday.

APIH

AN:: Well. I don't really have much to say.. Thanks for reading!