Chapter Six - It's Not Lying If You Don't Remember

"In situations as such, when is it ok to talk about the humiliation we're put through?" -SVUFictionalWriter

She struggles to say the words out loud. They have to know everything, every detail. She gives them what she remembers. She gives them what she knows. The things that she can't rememeber or the things doesn't know? She makes it up. Olivia isn't telling any lies. It's not lying if you don't remember.

"He managed to get into a standing position and lunged at me. I used the metal frame post to subdue him."

"Instead of shooting him at point blank range?"

"I made a judgement call."

Olivia thanks the nice IAB detective as the lady sails out of Captain Cragen's office. Cragen notices the lost in his, common law, daughter's eyes. This didn't have to happen, Cragen thinks. Liv feels the pitiful look Cragen has on his face. How is she facing him after knowing they know? How is she facing any of them?

Liv feels the tension when she and Cragen are left alone in his office. She feels his presence, hungry for answers. She knows the questions are about her sanity. She doesn't have the strenght to talk about her sanity right now. Evading the questions she knows Cragen's about to asks, Liv focuses her cares on Mrs. Mayer. She tries to build up the facade she's creating. I'm fine. I wasn't raped. I survived a viscious attack but the others got it worst. Much worst. Her captain informs her that Mrs. Mayer is fine, after she voices her concerns for the older woman. In a puzzling moment, Liv finds herself thinking aloud. "Where am I gonna go?"

Cragen tells Liv that her place is a crime scene and they've set her up in a hotel. He lets her know that she's on paid leave, which Liv knows she needs. Brian enters, as if on que. He's coming from parking the car in a more discrete location. When they arrived, about an hour or so ago, Liv and Brian saw the many, many news vans and reporters camped out in the entrance way.

"I wanna get Liv out here..." Brian follows Liv out of Cragen's office and into the squad room. As the two lovers walk by, eyes are glued on Detective Benson. Her heart pounds. This is humiliating. She wishes to hide somewhere. She longs to find a rock and crawl underneath that rock. It was as if they all wanted to spew out words of sympathy or encouragement but were all too blinded by the surreality of it all.

Fin. Out of everyone, Fin is probably the most speechless. He knows that everything has already happened. He knows that it's over. Still, Fin is trying to wrestle with the past. He desires to go back in time and stop Lewis from getting to Liv. He believes, in some way, he still can. He feels as if he can still fix the situation. As Liv passes by him, he wants to yell, Liv don't take two days, and, just come with me and Amanda for drinks instead. What was the point? There was no way of erasing or going back in time. The damage had been done. Fin has to realize that while he and Amanda were out drinking, while he got home and slept.. Lewis had her. Lewis made Liv his victim. His eyes closes.

Amanda. She's worried. Her entire being is worrisome. She's always admired Olivia's perseverance. Even the strongest soul can be broken. Amanda glares in shock at the bruises. A face once so olive and clear was now covered in bruises. Hair that was once perfectly breathtaking is now oily and unkept. Amanda notices Liv's clothing. She was not use of seeing Benson this way. It shocks Amanda to her core. Unlike the others, Amanda has no idea what exactly happened to Liv at the hands of Lewis. She knows Lewis, however, and his capabilities. Should I talk to her, I mean, I'm the only one who hasn't. Maybe I should.. Maybe not. She doesn't need to ask questions or read Liv's rape kit report. Son of a bitch had her for four days. How do you come back from that... She's already been assaulted once. How much more can the girl take?

Nick. He wonders. He wonders, she'll be ok, I mean.. She has to come back. She just need a few days.. She'll be back. Nick has serious doubts. He doesn't need to look at her, after all, he was the one who found her. In yet, Nick feels he needs to speak. He needs to say something encouraging to make certain of her return. He can't lose his partner. Never in his life did Nick Amaro think he'd be this invested in someone other than family. Then again, Liv is his family too. There's an unspoken love between partners. Nicks eyes wonders off Liv and onto the floor. Guilt begins to creep in..

Munch. Words are useless. He knows Liv is tough. He's been an uncle to her for over fourteen years. And yet? Munch has no idea what words he could utter to make this better. Liv's always been resilient. She's been stabbed, cut, taken hostage, stalked, assaulted, poisoned, framed for murder, etc. Munch has been here to witness all of her misfortunes. She's always prevailed. This time, Munch thinks, will be an uphill battle. Out of everything she's been through, Munch has never seen her so farklempt. He can't read her. Even as he stares her down, he can't seem to read her. As she and Brian walk out of sight, Munch tries to think of words he should have said. Nothing. Words are useless.

To Be Continued...