Chapter 16: Aftershocks
Emma is pretty sure the wind has been knocked out of her chest. "You...you what?" she chokes. And she feels like an idiot because she knew. Of course she knew, but it's one thing to suspect a person's feelings and quite another to hear them spoken aloud with so much vulnerability and tenderness and, well, love. Especially so suddenly in such an unexpected situation when she's never had someone say those words to her before in her life, and she knows she's not handling it well but somehow she can't seem to control any of it.
"I..." Regina's voice trails off, and she suddenly presses her lips against Emma's.
"Wait - what are you doing?" the blonde gasps, pulling away from the embrace.
"I...I don't know," Regina quickly backtracks, blinking furiously and trying to choke back her tears. "I...you don't...I'm sorry, Emma. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to." Trembling with barely restrained sobs, she begins inching away from Emma and back onto her own chair.
"Hey, wait," Emma says softly and mentally slaps herself for her piss-poor reactions to being shown affection. "You don't have to apologize, okay? You never have to apologize for loving someone."
"But I made you uncomfortable, I shouldn't have just-"
"You didn't do anything wrong," Emma quickly insists. "I'm just...I don't know what kind of headspace you're in right now with all this crap going on, and I don't want you do make any impulsive decisions you're going to regret. That's all."
"So, you think I'm impulsive?" Regina sniffs, tears fading into anger. "Did Miss Blanchard tell you that, because-"
"What? Regina, no! I just meant-"
"You know what, forget it," Regina cries. She storms out of the room, and Emma leans back in her chair, wondering how she always manages to fuck everything up.
"What did you do?" Mary Margaret asks warily when she returns from the photocopier in the teacher's lounge. Emma's head is in her hands on her desk.
"I just...she...I'll go take care of it," she says with a deep sigh. "I'm just not very good at this."
Mary Margaret flashes her a small smile. "She was headed towards the second floor bathroom."
"Thanks," Emma mutters. With a soft groan, she pushes herself up from her chair and follows Regina's tracks out the door, mentally cursing Cora Mills and Gold and Mother Superior for leaving such a mess to clean up.
xx
She finds Regina in the women's restroom on the second floor, just as Mary Margaret predicted. The brunette is crying and repeatedly hurling a roll of toilet paper against the mirror.
"That would probably be more satisfying if you used a harder object," Emma remarks lightly.
Regina's response is to fling the toilet paper at the blonde's head and walk up to the mirror with her fists clenched. Before Emma can stop her or even process what's happening, she punches the mirror as hard as she can. Emma gasps as glass shatters all over the floor and sink; Regina's fingers are bloody and there's definitely a few glass shards embedded in them.
"You're right, that was more satisfying." Regina grits her teeth in pain. "Now, go away."
"Regina, that...that wasn't what I meant."
"I said go away! I don't want to hear whatever it is you have to say. I know I'm impulsive, I know I'm an idiot, I know I make horrible, reckless decisions that ruin other people's lives." She's crying so hard her words come out as wheezes. "And I know...I know I don't deserve for you to-"
"Regina, just stop, okay," Emma practically yells. She places her hands on the other girl's shoulders and pulls their bodies closer together. In a much softer voice, she says, "Look at me."
"No."
Lifting one hand to stroke a tear-stained cheek, Emma ducks her head down so she can look Regina directly in the eyes. Regina's response is to turn her face aside and squeeze her eyes shut.
"Okay, fine, don't look at me. Just...just listen to what I'm trying to say. I'm not always the best at talking about my feelings, but just hear me out, okay? Can you do that?"
Regina nods.
"Okay, thanks. Umm...damn, where do I even begin? Look, right now, you're going through a lot, and it's perfectly natural to do something impulsive when you're overwhelmed by feelings and all that. Trust me, I've done much more damagingly impulsive things than telling someone I loved them." Regina snorts through her tears. "And I just don't want you to wake up one morning when you're feeling better and decide this is all something you regret. I don't...I don't want you to regret me. I care about you too much for that - I don't want to lose you, ever."
"Emma," Regina whispers, finally opening her eyes to look into Emma's. "What I said wasn't...well, saying it was impulsive, but I've felt that way for a while. It's okay if you don't feel the same," she adds with a sniffle. "I know I don't deserve you, and-"
"Will you cut it out with the 'I don't deserve you' crap?" Emma asks angrily.
Regina recoils like she's been slapped, and Emma kicks herself, remembering the other girls' current state of mind and why they're in the bathroom in the first place. "I...I'm sorry," she weeps. "I didn't mean to upset you. Please don't be angry."
"No, Regina, I'm - I'm not mad at you. I'm so sorry for yelling. I'm just mad that you would ever think you don't deserve to be loved, because you do. You deserve all the love in the world."
"Mother...Mother says..."
"I don't give a shit about her. I mean, I'm sorry for your loss," Emma amends quickly, "but every bit of supposed wisdom she's given you is complete crap. Love is weakness? Really?"
"She said that no one would ever find me worth loving in return because I'm-"
"I'm going to stop you right there," Emma cuts in, feeling sick to her stomach. She holds a completely wooden Regina protectively against her chest and asks desperately, "Please tell me you don't actually believe any of her bullshit?"
"I-"
"Because I want you to forget about all of that right this second, and only listen to the things that I've said about you. Remember? You're beautiful and smart and strong and brilliant and funny and sweet and perfect in every single way, and I'm going to tell you that every day for the rest of your life until you believe it." She smiles as Regina's body slowly starts to relax against her. "I promise."
"Be careful," Regina sniffles, a small smile beginning to form on her face, "I might start to get a horrible ego if you keep saying that."
"Good," Emma whispers and nuzzles Regina's forehead with her own. "You deserve to have a big ego. You also deserve to make some impulsive decisions in the next couple of weeks if that's what you need."
"Thanks."
"You want to know something crazy?" Emma suddenly asks. Without waiting for an answer, she informs Regina, "You're the first person who's ever said 'I love you' to me."
"Really?" Emma is impressed at how expressive Regina's eyes are as they flash through horror, sadness, and then excitement in a matter of mere seconds. "Well, you know...I think I deserve a kiss for that."
"Yeah, I guess you do," Emma chuckles. They exchange a few soft, almost shy kisses before the bell rings and Regina groans.
"We should probably get to class," she says, sounding horribly disappointed.
"You're the one who insisted on coming to school today," Emma points out. "We could have been in M&M's apartment kissing all day."
Rolling her eyes, Regina reaches out to grab hold of Emma's hand, but she hisses in pain when she tries to move her fingers.
"Let me see that." Emma gently lifts the injured hand up to take a better look at it. "There's some glass embedded in your skin," she observes, "and I'm pretty sure this finger is broken."
"I'm fine. Let's go."
"No, wait, I can fix it!" She hovers her other hand above Regina's and squeezes her eyes shut. This time, it doesn't take long at all to focus her magic. She just thinks about Regina saying "I love you," and white light bursts out of her fingertips. "Cool."
"Good as new," Regina grins, wiggling her fingers. "Nice job."
"Only the best for you, milady" Emma teases, drawing Regina's newly healed fingers to her lips. "Can't have one hand any less perfect than the rest of you."
"Alright, let's go," Regina says, doing her best to appear exasperated. "My m...well, anyway, I don't want to be marked tardy."
xx
The two girls enter math class only a minute late, hand-in-hand. Nobody comments, even the notoriously obnoxious kids, and Emma vaguely wonders if Mary Margaret threatened them - withholding pie at the next review session might be an effective deterrent. When they sit down, Henry turns around and lightly squeezes Regina's forearm. He doesn't say anything; he doesn't have to.
Mary Margaret passes out the quizzes right away. Emma watches as Regina and Henry quickly fill out all their answers, probably one hundred percent correct, but she can't concentrate. Her paper is still almost blank when their time is up, and Mary Margaret gives her a concerned and somewhat disappointed look when she hands it in. Emma just shrugs. Honestly, she's a little disappointed in herself: Regina can still concentrate on schoolwork, and she's the one whose mom is dead.
The rest of their classes that morning go similarly in that very few people comment on yesterday's events or Regina and Emma's increased physical proximity. In fact, very few people speak to Regina at all. At first, Emma is a little annoyed about it, but she realizes that they probably have no idea what to say, and, given Regina's slightly unpredictable emotional state at the moment, it might be safer to say nothing.
The first person who actually attempts to offer condolences is Locksley, but Regina brushes him aside. Later, when Emma's arm is around her shoulder, she awkwardly half-apologizes to the gym teacher. He doesn't seem to mind. For the rest of P.E., Emma stands behind Regina, arms wrapped protectively around her waist. She doesn't shoot a single arrow. When Regina comments that their lack of participation could affect their grade, Emma wordlessly holds her closer and sways their bodies back and forth. She doesn't know if it's actually helping, but she does know that the second she breaks contact so they can walk to Theory of Magic, Regina starts having what she assumes must be a panic attack.
"Emma, no! Emma, I can't go. Please don't make me go. Please, I can't see Gold today," she cries.
"What? It's okay, you don't have to." Emma attempts to make her voice sound calm and soothing, but she's not very successful at it. "You can cut class. No one will care."
"No! Gold will tell Mother, and then she'll-" suddenly, Regina realizes what she just said and starts weeping and rocking back and forth on her heels.
"Oh, good lord," Emma sighs, noting that she sounds a whole lot like Mary Margaret. Even so, there's not much she can say that will make this situation any better. "Regina, I think if your mother was here, she wouldn't mind you skipping Gold's class today."
"Yes, she would. It's weakness, and I can't show weakness. She would be so angry if she saw me like this. Emma, I have to-"
"Regina, stop," Emma directs. "Breathe. Just...take a deep breath." Regina slowly obeys. "Okay, good. Now another. Keep doing that."
As Regina gradually starts to calm down, Emma tries to figure out what to do next. Thankfully, someone else makes that decision for her. "Hello, girls," says Dr. Hopper. "Is everything okay?"
Regina says yes at the same time that Emma says no.
"Regina, I've been meaning to talk to you about some things. Why don't you follow me to my office?" Dr. Hopper says, his eyes understanding. "Emma, you should get to class."
Neither the shrink nor Emma can miss the panic-stricken look in Regina's eyes at the thought of being separated from the person whose touch seems to be the only thing keeping her grounded.
"Regina, it's okay," Emma says desperately. "Go with Dr. Hopper. He can excuse you from class, and it might really help you to talk to him. I'll see you in one hour. I promise."
Regina squeezes her eyes shut and clutches Emma's hand. For a moment, the blonde is legitimately afraid she might refuse to go to the counselor's office, but in the end she takes a deep breath and follows Dr. Hopper.
"One hour, right?" she asks Emma.
"I'll meet you right outside Hopper's door."
xx
With Regina in Dr. Hopper's office, Tink quitting class, and Zelena god-knows-where, Emma finds herself the only student in Theory of Magic, much to her chagrin.
"Good day, Miss Swan," Gold says, raising one eyebrow. "It would seem that you're the only student in class today."
"Yes, well, that is a natural function of being the only one whose mother you didn't murder."
"I did not kill Cora," Gold exclaims with such ferocity that Emma is taken aback. "Mother Superior," he continues more calmly, "was responsible for the particular fairy dust enchantment responsible for her demise, and she neglected to inform any of the rest of us about its...unwanted price."
"I don't know," Emma say slowly. Her gut tells her he's telling the truth, but something about the story doesn't add up. "You were pretty insistent that Regina had to put her heart back in. If you didn't want her dead, then what was up with that."
"My reasons for wanting Cora's heart back in her chest are my own," Gold hisses. "And, given that she's now dead, they no longer matter."
"So, you're sure you weren't trying to manipulate Regina and Zelena into killing their own mother? Because that's what it looks like to me."
"While you seem to believe the very worst of me, Miss Swan, I can assure you that, since I never intended for Cora to die, I never intended to make her daughters kill her. Now, would you like to continue throwing around baseless accusations, or can we resume your training?"
"Let's train."
"Excellent. I'm actually very glad we're alone today, because there is a very important topic I would like to discuss with you."
"What's that?" Emma asks suspiciously.
"I understand you are able to perform healing magic."
"I've done it once or twice."
"Healing is a very powerful brand of magic," Gold explains. "Self-healing, which I was attempting to teach Regina, is fairly straightforward, mostly just transferring your energies between different parts of the body. Find where there's an abundance, send it where there's a lack. It's like socialism."
Emma snorts. "Right, because that's straightforward."
"As far as magic goes, it is. Now, healing another is an entirely different skill, because you not only have to harness your energy, you have to harness theirs, too. It takes great power and great focus. People train for years to be able to do what you did for Regina."
"But I didn't train at all."
"As I am well aware. There are two possible explanations for that," he continues. "The first is that you have an incredible amount of raw power and skill, which I don't doubt. I've seen you master spells very quickly with little effort." She'd like to protest the "little effort" comment, but he's not wrong. "The second is that sometimes when two people have some kind of...special connection, they can make magic together that is much more powerful than either can create on their own."
"So, which is it?"
"That's what we're going to find out today." Gold almost sounds excited. "Today, you're going to practice healing me."
Emma sighs. She feels like Gold's own personal science experiment. He takes a strange, twisted dagger out of his pocket (What the hell is that? she screams in her head.) and makes a tiny cut on his finger. Emma hopes there are magical sterilization techniques available.
"We'll start with small wounds," he says gleefully. Emma rolls her eyes. She doesn't want to heal Gold; she'd really like to do the opposite to him. It's going to be a long class.
xx
"Emma, there's something we have to talk about," Regina says uncomfortably. The school day from hell is finally over, and they're sitting on a bench on the sidewalk in front of Mary Margaret's building, waiting for Regina's father to arrive. His flight landed in Boston four hours before, so he should be getting into Storybrooke shortly.
From everything Regina has said about her father so far, it seems like they have (had) a pretty good relationship, so Emma is confused about why the other girl has been getting progressively more nervous as the minutes tick by.
"Regina, are you okay?" she finally asks.
"Of course I'm okay," Regina shoots back. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Only because every time you say that, it means you're not okay at all," Emma points out. "Are you worried about seeing your dad."
"No," says Regina, sullenly staring at her hands.
"Why?"
"Emma...there's something we need to discuss." Regina nervously fidgets with her ring and avoids meeting the blonde's curious eyes.
"Um, okay. Should I be worried?"
"No, it's just...you and me, in the last few days, we've been kind of..."
"All over each other?" Emma guesses.
"Yes. Well, it's more like I've been all over you. I know you've said you feel the same way, but obviously I've been the one initiating and-"
"You're regretting it already?" Emma asks quietly.
"No! Of course not! I mean, as long as you don't."
"I don't. If...if that's what you're worried about. You never have to doubt how I feel about you. I've literally been head-over-heels for you from day one, I just didn't know-"
"It's not that either. I believe you, and I'm actually...grateful, I guess, that you're letting me control the pace of this...whatever we have going on here."
"Okay," says Emma, growing more and more concerned. If none of those things are the problem, then it must be something even bigger.
"My dad is coming here today," Regina says quietly. "I haven't seen him in two years."
"Okay."
"Emma, he doesn't know I'm gay," Regina finally blurts out.
"Oh," Emma breathes a sigh of relief. "I thought it was going to be something really massive, like - oh, God, Regina, this is something really massive for you, isn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"It's not...that, exactly," Regina clarifies. "It's just, he doesn't know anything. Everything that's happened over the past two years...I didn't tell him about any of it."
Emma inhales deeply and raises her eyebrows. She assumes "everything" refers to her mother's abuse and the entire situation with Dani, her issues with Zelena...probably more things that she doesn't even know about yet. Shit.
"Why not?" she asks. "He could have helped you."
Regina shakes her head sadly. "He couldn't have. He just would have felt guilty about it." Maybe he should feel guilty, Emma thinks, but she keeps that to herself. "Besides, it was nice to talk to him and just pretend everything was normal."
"So, are you going to tell him?"
"About being gay? About...us? Is there an us?"
"I think there's an us. I would like there to be."
Regina smiles. "Me too. But, I don't know if this is the best time. I think...I think he would be okay with it," she says uncertainly. "At the very least, he'll probably take it better than Mother did."
"It'd be hard to take it any worse."
"I want to tell him. I just...there's a lot going on right now."
"With your mom?"
"Her, Zelena, everything."
"You seem to be handling it pretty well, all things considered."
"Thank you. I talked about it with Dr. Hopper while you were in class. It helped."
"Good," Emma says, reaching out to pat Regina's shoulder. "I'm glad. Are you going to tell your dad about it?"
"What am I going to tell him?" Regina whispers, sounding dangerously close to tears again.
"Ten bucks says that if you don't, Mary Margaret will. She sounded pissed at him on the phone."
"I hope Mary Margaret has learned her lesson about telling secrets to my parents."
Emma shrugs and pulls Regina into her arms, softly resting her chin on the brunette's shoulder. "Well, you know we're both here for you, always, right? Even if you still hate her."
"I know."
Regina relaxes against Emma's body and sighs deeply. "I do want to tell him about us," she admits. "I want to tell him about the happy things. I just don't know how to do it."
"Well, if he shows up and we look like this, I think he'll pick it up on his own pretty quickly."
"Maybe that's not the best idea."
"Yeah, you should be the one to choose when to tell him," Emma agrees. "So, I guess this means no cuddling while Daddy Dearest is in town?"
"Yes, unfortunately," Regina sighs, reluctantly extracting herself from Emma's arms. "We'll see how long that actually lasts."
xx
Emma's first observation upon seeing Henry Mills is that he's short, at least two inches shorter than his ex-wife. She always figured he must not be very tall, because Regina is tiny compared to her mother, but it's still a little surprising to see in person.
Her second observation is that he's very quiet. Meek, even. He seems terrified of both Mary Margaret and his own daughter. She wonders how he managed to stand up to Cora for long enough to file for divorce. She now understands why Regina thought he wouldn't be able to help her with any of her problems.
"Hi, angel," he says softly, pulling Regina in for a tentative hug. She's stiff as a board against him, making no effort to return the embrace. "I missed you so much."
Then you shouldn't have moved to China, thinks Emma. It appears that Regina might be having the same thought, because she suddenly wriggles out of his arms and sprints upstairs into Mary Margaret's apartment.
He starts sputtering something about not understanding, and Mary Margaret starts lecturing him about the fact that he hasn't seen his daughter in two whole years, and Emma doesn't hear much of it because she's running up the stairs two at a time to try and catch up to Regina.
She hears a loud crash and the sound of glass shattering, and by the time she gets into the apartment, Regina is sitting numbly on the edge of the tub, the mirror in a thousand tiny pieces on the ground.
"I guess now would be the time to tell you that you were right about throwing heavy objects," Regina mutters, gesturing to the shampoo bottle among the wreckage. "I think Mary Margaret's going to kill me."
"Nah," Emma disagrees, trying to sound reassuring. "She hated that mirror anyway - said it was warped and made everyone look fat."
"I'll clean up. Do you know where she keeps the broom? And I'll buy her a new mirror - I have enough money saved."
"Regina, seriously, I don't think she'll care about the mirror. Much. But I think you really need to talk to your dad. Not about us, necessarily, but definitely about your mom."
"Yes, because that's going to help so many people. She's dead, and even if she was alive, it's not like he could have done anything about it. You can't rewrite the past; I learned that lesson when I put my mother's heart back in and she dropped dead."
Yet again, Emma doesn't know what to say, so she settles for sitting beside Regina on the tub and giving her a hug. If her dad has a problem with it, she's ready to fight him.