A/N: This chapter is a little sad, and I'm sorry about it.
Chapter 17: Crushed Hearts
"So, what have I missed in good old Storybrooke over the past two years?" Mr. Mills is asking. He and Regina are sitting awkwardly on the couch together, while Emma and Mary Margaret are pretending to clean the bathroom but mainly eavesdropping. Mary Margaret had practically shoved Regina out the door, insisting that she and Emma would take care sweeping up the broken glass.
Regina doesn't reply.
"Obviously, you got more beautiful," he tries to joke, his daughter's silence clearly causing him a fair amount of discomfort. "Anything else I should know about? Are you still riding?"
"No."
Mary Margaret looks like she's about to blow a gasket, and Emma doesn't blame her. She hopes and prays that Mr. Mills does not ask the question she knows is coming next.
"Why not? You were so good at it."
"I just didn't want to anymore," Regina mutters.
Her dad sounds so confused. "But that's...that's all you wanted to do, for your whole life. I remember when-"
"Just drop it, Daddy!" Regina snaps. "I developed other interests, okay?"
"Oh, okay. So what have you been doing these days?"
"Why are you asking me about my hobbies?" Regina practically shrieks. "Mother is dead!"
"Regina, I was-"
"I don't want to hear it!" From behind the bathroom door, Emma and Mary Margaret can hear Regina jump up from the couch and run from the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Mary Margaret sighs and slowly pushes open the bathroom door.
"I...I don't know what happened," Mr. Mills sputters.
Emma half-expects Mary Margaret to start yelling at him, but instead she just looks sad. "You left her alone with Cora for two years," she says quietly. "What do you think happened?"
xx
Cora's funeral is a quiet affair. There are none of the typical eulogies Emma would have expected. Graham's father, Sheriff Humbert, says a few words about some of Cora's accomplishments as mayor. One of the nuns performs the service - Mother Superior is nowhere to be seen - but it's not even religious. No one in Storybrooke seems to practice any religion; Emma wonders why they have nuns. She wonders why her mind always decides to ask the big questions at the most inappropriate times.
Regina stands with Zelena, and both are stone-faced and silent. Dr. Hopper had suggested that Regina say a few words about her mother, but she turned him down. She hasn't said more than a few words to anyone since running out on her father the night before. She'd returned to Mary Margaret's apartment after a few hours and silently fallen asleep on the couch. Her father had gotten a room at Granny's Bed and Breakfast. As far as Emma knows, no one has even stepped foot in the mayoral mansion since the three of them had retrieved Cora's heart - Regina is dressed in Emma's best sweater and a pencil skirt borrowed from Mary Margaret because she'd had a full-blown panic attack when she'd tried to go into the house to get an outfit of her own.
Emma stands next to Mary Margaret, who is openly weeping. She's the only one, and Emma knows it's about memories of her own mother, not about Cora. She wonders what that says about the mayor, that no one's even crying at her funeral. She awkwardly rubs Mary Margaret's back, and her foster mother gives her a grateful smile through her tears.
Dr. Hopper place a hand on Regina's shoulder and motions for her to take the shovel Sheriff Humbert is offering her. Regina nods to Zelena, and the two girls take turns shoveling dirt on their mother's grave. Zelena is incredibly forceful about the whole process, like she's taking out her rage on the shovel. After everything she put them through, Emma still can't bring herself to care the older girl, but she can't imagine the pain of finding the mother who gave her up so many years ago, discovering she's evil, and then watching her die at the exact moment she develops the potential to change. It's almost enough to make her feel sorry for Zelena.
But then she sees the carefully hidden despair in Regina's dark and turbulent eyes, and she stops caring about Zelena's pain entirely. She's fairly certain it's nothing compared to her younger sister's.
Mr. Mills reaches out to comfort his daughter, but she pushes him away.
xx
Regina doesn't go to school the day after the funeral. Her dad doesn't let her, and Mary Margaret steps in to support him. The two adults had spoken on the phone for several hours the night before, while Regina slept and Emma tried to, probably planning a battle strategy. Emma privately agrees with them; Regina obviously doesn't have the emotional energy to deal with school right now, and she really needs some alone time to talk with her dad. What concerns her is the fact that Regina doesn't fight against it.
When Emma returns at the end of the day, she finds the brunette sitting with her father on the same bench where they'd awaited his arrival. He has one arm around her waist, and her head is resting lightly against his shoulder in a comfortable way that, along with the tear stains streaking Regina's cheeks, tells Emma they've definitely talked an come to some kind of understanding. She tries to sneak into the apartment without being seen - she almost doesn't want to interrupt this long-awaited moment of father-daughter bonding.
When Emma comes into sight, Regina immediately jumps up and pulls her into the alley between Mary Margaret's building and the diner. "Emma, can we talk?" she asks nervously, chewing at her lower lip. Her previous expression of serenity is gone.
"I...um, okay," Emma says slowly. "Is it bad? Your face is making it seem kind of bad."
"Maybe." Regina stares at fidgeting hands, unable to meet Emma's gaze, and the blonde is starting to get nervous. "Come with me, please."
Emma wordlessly follows Regina down the street and onto a path in the woods, growing more and more apprehensive the further they walk. In a horror movie, this scene would end in a brutal murder. The hike seems to go on forever until Regina finally stops them at the edge of a beautiful meadow that slowly descends into a hill overlooking horse pastures. The sun is shining on green grass and the few wildflowers that are still around in the early autumn. It's beautiful, but Emma can't appreciate it because she still has no idea what's going on and it scares her.
"So, what's up?" she asks, hoping she sounds casual.
Regina sits down on a fallen log and motions for Emma to sit beside her. "This place is called Firefly Hill," she explains, lose in her own thoughts. She picks up a dandelion and lightly blows on it, scattering its fluffy seeds across the meadow.
"It's a nice place," remarks Emma.
"Dani and I used to ride here together," Regina says softly. "It was our special place. I come here sometimes when I want to remember her."
"Okay," Emma whispers in confusion. She's flattered Regina apparently trusts her enough to show her this place, but she doesn't understand why now.
"Emma, I'm..." the brunette's eyes fill with tears, and she struggles to regain her composure. "I have to leave Storybrooke," she finally chokes out.
"You have to what now?"
"It's my dad. He wants me to live with him, and Emma, I think I have to."
Dazed, Emma tries to compose her thoughts into a form she can say aloud. "You don't have to," she argues, aware even as the words come out of her mouth that they're not particularly helpful. "You can stay here and get someone else to be your legal guardian; I'm sure someone would agree to it - maybe Dr. Hopper? Or you could get a court to emancipate you and-"
"Emma," Regina breathes, reaching out for the blonde's shaking hands. Her voice is thick with pain, and she can't lift her head to make eye contact. "Emma, I don't want to stay in Storybrooke."
"You - you don't?" Emma stutters. "But you said-"
"I know. I know what I said, and it was true then, but now...things are different now."
Regina sighs heavily, and Emma nods. She understands - not everything, obviously, but enough. Still, that doesn't make it feel any better. "So you're going to Shanghai?" She knows her voice sounds hurt and angry, and it's not at all fair to Regina, but she can't control it.
"Not right away," Regina explains. "We have to wait and see if I can get a Visa, or his company will have to transfer him. China's not exactly the easiest country to relocate to."
Emma breathes a sigh of relief. "Okay, so you're not leaving right away?" she asks. If there's a waiting period, it might be enough time to make Regina change her mind. Which, actually, shouldn't be too hard - if she thought Boston was a big and overwhelming city, Shanghai will probably destroy her.
"Actually, I am. I'm leaving tomorrow. We're going on a trip together, and...Emma, please don't be upset. I just have to be with my dad right now, and - and I can't be here."
Emma bites her lower lip so hard she's almost afraid she's going to draw blood, but she doesn't really care. "I'm not upset," she insists.
"Yes, you are. I'm so sorry, Emma."
"No, you don't have to be sorry," Emma chokes out. "I understand, really. It's just - I'm going to miss you."
"I know," Regina says softly. "I'll miss you, too. So much. I've only known you a month, but I can't even imagine life without you anymore."
"So don't go," Emma whispers desperately.
"I have to." Tears leaking from her eyes at a rapidly increasing rate, she gently extracts one of her hands one of her hands from Emma's and reaches up to caress the blonde's cheek so lovingly that it makes everything hurt even worse. "I promise it won't be forever, but this is something I have to do. I'm so sorry. I love you."
She leans forward like she's going in for a kiss, but Emma is so overwhelmed with emotion she's afraid of bursting into tears and getting snot all over Regina's beautiful face, so she runs away instead. You're terrible at this, she scolds herself as she runs through the woods. Regina deserves someone better anyway.
xx
When Mary Margaret comes downstairs, Emma is curled up in a ball on the sofa, cursing her foolishness and even her own existence. She knows she has no right to be angry at Regina, that this is in no way, shape, or form a personal rejection. She knows that Regina is in pain that she can't even imagine and the reasons for that have nothing to do with her, and she understands that this feels like the right thing to do. But none of this understanding lessens the feeling that someone has plunged a hand into her chest and is successfully crushing her heart.
"Emma, is something wrong?" her foster mother asks in a concerned tone, immediately sitting next to her.
"Don't worry about it," Emma mutters. Mary Margaret looks really dressed up, and she's wearing makeup. She's almost pissed that anyone can think of doing something fun at a time like this, but she knows that's not fair, just like her anger at Regina isn't fair. Mary Margaret deserves to be happy. "You going somewhere special?" she asks.
"Nowhere important. Tell me - what's going on?"
Emma sighs. "I don't want to talk about it. Just go on your date, or whatever it is you're dressed up for. I'll be fine."
Mary Margaret responds to the direction to leave by settling more comfortably into the couch. "My date's not for half an hour; I have plenty of time to talk. This is about Regina, isn't it?"
"She has to go live with her dad...sort of," Emma finally admits. "I mean, they don't know if she can, because of China and government regulations and Visas and all that, but she's leaving."
"Her dad wants to take her out of Storybrooke; he feels really guilty for leaving her here with her mom in the first place," Mary Margaret explains sadly. "But he won't do it if she doesn't want to go."
"That's the problem. She does want to go." Emma shakes her head and tries to swallow the lump in her throat. "And I get it, you know, it's just...I don't know. It's hard to imagine being here without her. We always do everything together."
"You really love her, don't you?" Mary Margaret asks, sympathetically rubbing Emma's back.
Emma's eyes fill with tears, and she allows herself inch closer to Mary Margaret and finally accept the woman's mothering. "I don't know. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I feel like she's my other half, or something. She's my best friend, and I just...I just want to hold her all the time and make her smile and listen to her voice and-"
"You love her," Mary Margaret says like it's the simplest thing in the world. "So tell her."
"Why would I tell her that now? She's leaving."
"If you tell her, maybe she'll stay."
"What? No way. Even if she would, I couldn't ask her to do that. It's too painful for her here. I want her to be happy, even if it's without me."
Mary Margaret shrugs. "Suit yourself, but I think she'll be about as happy without you as you'll be without her. You'll see: people who are meant to be together will always find a way."
"You're just turning into a gushy romantic because you have a boyfriend now," Emma protests.
"David isn't my boyfriend."
"Yet."
"He just got divorced," Mary Margaret says, her cheeks turning a very revealing shade of pink. "And I'm...busy."
"Whatever, M&M," Emma groans. "Just go on your date and enjoy your new love. Someone should."
"It's not exactly 'new' love," Mary Margaret mumbles. Clearing her throat, she turns worried eyes back to Emma. "Are you sure you'll be okay? I can cancel if-"
"Go!"
Once she's forced Mary Margaret out the door, Emma returns to the sofa and finally allows her tears to spill out. She'd love to believe her foster mother's words - people meant to be together will find a way - but they don't exactly make her happy. If she and Regina can't find a way, that would have to mean they're not meant for each other, and that's a thought she just can't face.
And she hates herself because she didn't realize it until it was too late.
xx
Regina and her dad leave the next morning. Mary Margaret drags Emma out of bed early even though it's a Saturday and takes her to the mayoral mansion to help Regina pack. When she tentatively opens the door to the only bedroom in the house that looks like it has an actual human inhabitant - an extremely neat human, but still one with a bit of personality - she sees Regina standing over an empty suitcase. The brunette has dark circles under her eyes like she hasn't slept at all.
"Hey," Emma says quietly, "you need any help?"
Clenching her jaw and forcing her features into a sullen glare, Regina shakes her head.
Emma shrugs and lets herself into the room anyway. Regina's room is full of books, and the lavender walls are covered with paintings of horses racing through fields. There's an old and obviously much loved stuffed horse resting on her pillow. She understands why Regina's dad might have been surprised that she stopped riding.
Emma takes a deep breath and blurts out, "I'm really sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have run away like that."
She expects Regina to reply angrily, but instead the other girl stares at her feet and mumbles, "Is that what you think I'm doing? Running away?"
"What? No, of course not."
"But I am. That is literally exactly what I'm doing right now."
"Everyone runs away sometimes," Emma says understandingly. "It doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes you just have to."
Regina finally looks her in the eyes. "Emma, what do you even see in me?" she asks sadly.
"I could probably ask you the same thing. You're all torn up about running away, and that's my M.O. about ninety percent of the time."
"I can't be the same thing to you that you are to me. I'm just too...I don't know. Everything's a mess and I'm not ready for it."
"But you want to be," Emma argues. "And that's more than enough for me. I don't need anything more than what you've got right now. Maybe you're not meeting your own standards, but you're perfect for me."
"I don't want you to wait for me to be ready," Regina whispers. "I want you to be with someone worthy of you, not someday, but now."
Emma rolls her eyes. "Did you not hear anything I just said?" she demands. "Okay, you know what? I don't want to start an argument right now. You know how I feel, and I will wait as long as I have to."
"Kiss me goodbye?" Regina asks shyly.
Emma doesn't have to be asked twice. She roughly grabs the back of Regina's head and brings their lips crashing together. The brunette seems surprised for a second by the force of it, but she quickly reciprocates and tugs Emma's body closer until they're flush against each other, and her nails are digging into the blonde's back like she's afraid to let her go. Emma hears a soft whimper and she's not sure which one of them it's coming from, but she knows she's the one who moans when she finally forces herself to pull away.
"I love you, Regina," she rasps.
Regina responds by pressing her lips against Emma's one more time and running longing fingers over every inch of her abdomen until her father calls from downstairs that they need to get on the road, and she looks sadly at her empty suitcase and shoves a haphazard pile of clothes and her stuffed horse into it. "I love you so much," she whispers, "and I'm so sorry."
Emma watches the car until it disappears into the distance, fingers lightly stroking her lips, where she can still feel Regina on them. It's raining, which feels appropriately cliché, and Emma lets herself get drenched as she wanders through the woods for hours before she ends up at the Toll Bridge and throws rock after rock until she can barely feel her arm anymore.