*For some reason FF is not allowing me to respond the you guy's WONDERFUL feedback. So I'll sneak in a huge "THANK YOU SO MUCH" in this chapter. *

Chapter Thirteen - She Will Never Be The Same

Red Merlot wine. Sugar-cookie scented candles. Mortal Fear by Ann Rule. Beige colored, wool blanket. Strawberries and melt chocolate. Smooth jazz. Sweats and barefoot. Good morning New York. Good morning Detective Benson.

...

"Hey. Come in..." Liv lets out a small and tiring breath as she welcomes Amanda Rollins inside Cassidy's apartment. "Thank you for coming." Benson closes the apartment door. Gripping a brown folder to her side, Amanda looks around the apartment. She's never been to Cassidy's apartment so her normal human reaction will be to scope the place out. Her eyes then focuses on Liv's bruised face. It's not as bad as she last saw it, but it doesn't look good.

"Nick. He's out working a case in Brooklyn and Fin is on vacation.. Munch is holding everything down at the precinct and um... Captain? He got called to court, testifying on that Reese Lanther trial? So he asked me to come here instead. I hope that's ok."

"Yea. Rollins it's fine... Can I pour you a glass?" Liv takes a seat on the recliner.

"No I'm good..." Amanda's legs are tired from the flight of stairs that leads to Cassidy's apartment. She sits on the couch, bites her lips, and looks in Liv's direction. "It's good to see you. The bruises are fading, that's good right... How ya feeling?" Rollins waits a while before Liv answers. She's not sure how to act around Liv. Liv's eyes are glued to the floor. Rollins notices and tries not to make the silent moment anymore awkward.

"I'm good." Liv's answer comes out dry and straight to the point. Amanda doesn't buy it one bit. When Liv is finally able to look Rollins in the face, their eyes lock, and Rollins unintentionally gasp.

"Sorry." Rollins tries to smile it off. "I'm glad you're doing ok ya know. Everyone at the station misses you and we all know how strong you are so."

Liv cuts Rollins off. "Uh?" She is not really interesting in hearing about her job or co-workers at this point.

Amanda catches on and hands her the files in the brown folder. "We're not gonna need it back. They're copies so."

"Yea, thanks" Liv's mind is one track. She's anxiously awaiting to open the folder and, at the same time, scared to death of opening the folder.

Amanda tries not to study Liv's demeanor but finds herself not being able to help her curiosity. She's such a beautiful woman, seeing her so beaten up like this is so... Amanda shakes her head before losing her thoughts. She watches as Liv struggles mentally with opening the report on her rape kit. She watches Liv's hand shake uncontrollably.

When Liv looks up at her, Amanda swiftly turns her head. Liv grabs the stereo's remote and turns down the music. Rollins cringes at the quietness. The tension that exists, not between Amanda and Benson, but between Benson and Benson's own personal demons.

Amanda wishes she and Liv could be closer. Especially now. Maybe she thinks of Liv as an older sister. A leader. She's never really had a positive female figure to look up to her entire life. Before she even met Liv, Rollins always admired the fearless detective Olivia Benson. Her 'star struck' phase disappeared with time but there is always something Liv does (case-wise) that never cease fo amaze the Georgia peach. They sometimes disagree on things. They never really share personal information as much as females normally do. Nonetheless, they've spent long nights in the squad cars, band together in life threatening occasions, and that alone gives them a meaningful connection.

Liv falls into a stare that lasts for exactly one minute and thirty-two seconds. Not being able to continue on watching Liv battle her personal demons, Rollins grabs the folder.

"Liv? Ok." Rollins, who has always been over eager and unintentionally blunt, decides to take matters into her own hands. "His fluids-his saliva was found on your face, back, shoulders, legs, arm, mouth, fingers, neck, stomach, breast... They found his pre-ejaculation fluids on your buttocks and inner thighs. Also bite marks on your labia. Bruised thighs..." Rollins is talking to Liv, but Liv doesn't appear to be listening. Her eyes are glued to the floor. The shock comes upon Benson quickly. Her heart beats loudly. Her stomach is in knots, it actually begins to hurt. A dull but intolerable pain.

After a few more seconds of silence, Rollins continues. She knows that Liv needs to hear everything after all, she's the one who requested it. "But there was no vaginal tearing, no anal trauma, I mean? Maybe there was no penetration." Rollins concludes, not believing her own words.

Liv faces her understudy with tears in her eyes. "That doesn't tell me anything." Her voice tone is low and so shaken. She gets up, grabs the bottle of wine, and begins pacing back and forth. "There are some things that I still can't remember." She's becoming breathless. "No vaginal tears, no trauma... That doesn't mean anything." Liv's fustration, her anger is clear in the way she speaks. A single tear falls from her eye.

"Hey? It could mean everything. There's still a chance that he didn't go that far. Ok?" Rollins knows that she's lying to Liv. She knows that William Lewis had Benson at his mercy for four days. There's no doubt that Lewis raped her.

Liv wipes her single tear, flops back on the recliner, and takes a deep breath. "Yea. Maybe. Maybe you're right."

"Look. Go over it. Draw your own conclusions. Maybe some things'll come back to you." Rollins hands her the folder but Liv doesn't reach for it. As Amanda places the folder on the end table, Liv stands up once more. She faces Rollins who tries to muster up a smile. "I can stay. As long as you need Liv. I mean if you wanna talk." She waits for Liv's feedback but nothing. Quiet silence. "If he did. Liv? ... Then you gotta know that there is nothing you could have done. He had you tied up, kept you drunk. He feed you drugs... This is on him. Not you. This is in no way your fault-"

Liv cuts Rollins off. Her body is trembling. In a whisper, Liv asks, "Rollins can you leave me alone."

Amanda is surprised but not insulted. She understands. "Ok. Yea sure..." As Rollins heads out she stops with a thought. "You want me to call Cassidy?"

Liv rolls her eyes, "no I'm ok."

Rollins nods her head, opens the door, and walks out.

Liv waits a few seconds after Rollins leaves to get all her tears out. She cries inconsolably for minutes. She's convinced that Lewis raped her and there is nothing preparing her for the raw emotions that she's feeling. She covers her mouth with one hand to mute out her sobs. However, her crying gets loud. She wants to scream. She throws the wine bottle against the wall so hard that it not only shatters but re-injures her broken arm. She grabs at her hair, rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Her cries are heartbreaking. It takes five minutes to transfer her loud cries into small but violent sobs. She appears to be calming down. She curls up in a fetal position.

The night has moved in. Brian enters his apartment to find it pitch black. In his hands are flowers. He calls out for Liv but nothing. Before he reaches the light switch in the living room, he hears her sobs. "Liv?" He clicks on the light quickly. He drops the flowers when he finds Liv on the floor. She's in that same position. Brian runs to her.. "Liv? Hey... Hey you ok?"

To Be Continued...