Chapter Sixteen - Dr. Lindstrom

Dialogue.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Office of Dr. Peter Lindstrom

Manhattan, New York

9:24 a.m

Her legs shake nervously as she tries to get all her feelings out loudly. He watches her stability and tries to calm her down with questions and advice. They sit in their usual chairs.

"I'm sorry. This is just.. It's very uncomfortable to talk about."

"Olivia, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable... While I understand your reluctance to open up, I want you to know that there is nothing you tell me, here, that will make me judge you. Your actions. You're safe here. The past month. You've made such progress."

Hesitating for longer than ten seconds, Liv eventually caves in. "Ok. Brian and I aren't talking. We haven't spoken in three days... I freaked out on him... What was suppose to be a night of romance, turned into a night of.." Liv tries to chose her words carefully. Looking into Lindstrom's eyes, she could tell that he got it. He knows what she means.

"Intimacy is very tricky, you are not obligated to quickly heal after such a traumatic ordeal. It is natural for you to have reacted the way you did. Olivia recovery has no time frame."

"Yes well..." Her eyes are swelling with tears. "I thought. That I was ready. I really did."

"I have to ask you. Did you initiate this or did Brian initiate this?"

"I did... Brian has been great with everything so far and..." She stops at her thoughts.

"And?"

"And Brian. He's use of certain things... We started out fourteen years ago. I hurt him really bad. At that time we were both working at SVU and I don't believe in... Involving myself, romantically, with a coworker... It was a meaningless one night stand. He thought it was more and I treated him like... He didn't matter... Fourteen years later, we connect. At first it was sex. I mean it meant more to me then than it did all those years ago but like everyone else, I didn't believe we'd last this long. He even told me the reason for leaving the squad fourteen years ago.."

"Which was?"

"He couldn't work with... me. He said I broke his heart..." She chokes on her words.

"I hear you feeling guilty again. This time for breaking your boyfriend's heart, for reacting normally to intimacy so soon after your sexual assault... Here's a question. Does Brian resent you for any these things?"

"No. And that's the worst part. He's like me in ways. Dedicated. Not easily willing to accept any help. Loyal to a fault. But. In many ways, he's not at all like me... He's not afraid to vocalize his feelings about us. He's affectionate, he oozes with compassion. I'm don't. I put up walls. I pretend to not give a damn just to avoid heartache. He cares with everything in him... After it happened, he actually apologized to me."

"Then you're the only one who's placing issues where they don't belong."

"Excuse me?" A look of confusion paints Liv's face.

"From what I'm hearing? Brian cares about you for the person you are, not the person you were."

"Meaning he cares about me now. The shell? And he's with me for me. And not for the person, the sexual person I was before."

He smiles. "Correct." He notices Liv's doubts. "What is it?"

"That would be true if. If he didn't run into the bathroom after I made him stop. Instead of comforting me, he uh. He comforted himself."

"Sadly, that's a normal reaction. Doesn't mean he blames you... Men sometimes-"

"I know I know all about a man's needs." She cuts him off. "I'm trying so hard not to be effected by that but."

"But you do. And you have every right too. He neglected you. He thought of himself first."

"Yea... But I initiated it. I figured we're even. Right." She lets out a pathetic chuckle while shaking her head.

"He's responsible for his actions, his excuses are invalid. You're not responsible for your actions, you're excuses are valid."

"Still. I can't help but think that I let him down. I mean I know that I should not." Deep sigh. "Feel this way. PTSD is real and its uncontrollable. After being assaulted, victims often experiences flashbacks. Intimacy is the number one trigger for every survivor... But I still feel like I let him down. And I shouldn't but I do. I do. And it's crazy because I've told this to hundreds of survivors." The tears finally fall like light rain down her cheeks.

To Be Continued...