Midnight in a Perfect World - DJ Shadow
Tali'Zorah sat cross-legged at her desk aboard the Rayya, her mission report from Freedom's Progress blurring before her eyes as her mind travelled across space and time through her memories.
Freedom's Progress had felt like her waking from a slumber that had started with Shepard's funeral two years ago. Although Tali was always loyal to the Migrant Fleet and had been overjoyed by their impressed responses upon her return from her Pilgrimage, she always felt a deep longing in her heart for the Normandy. Hearing about its - and Shepard's - demise two years ago had been a life-changing experience.
Seeing Shepard just a few hours prior felt like to having a bucket of cold water splashed on your face during your deepest rest. She was so shocked at the time she barely knew what to say, but now her heart ached with the pain of not joining Shepard and the Normandy, where she knew she belonged.
Of course, her heart belonged with the flotilla, but her spirit? Ever since Shepard rescued her from the Shadow Broker, her spirit belonged with the human commander.
She rested her mask into her gloved hands and closed her eyes, visions of her past flashing in her mind. Visions of Saren; countless geth; the Thorian creature; Matriarch Benezia; the tattered results of Cerberus experiments; Kaiden, Ashley, Wrex, Liara, Garrus; Shepard. Shepard rallying those around her, Shepard in the engine room with her, Shepard embracing her before Tali left for the Flotilla, and Shepard's coffin at her funeral.
Tali's breathing became more deep as the memory of Shepard's funeral played into the back of her eyelids like a vid.
"Tali," Liara gasped, running forward to embrace her quarian friend. "How sorry I am that we had to meet again under circumstances such as this."
Tali pulled back from the hug and held onto Liara's forearms, looking deep into the asari's blue eyes that were swimming with tears. "I can't believe it. I can't believe Shepard is gone. She… she meant so much to me."
"She meant so much to all of us. Her death is a loss to the galaxy. Please, have a seat with me."
The two women walked through the aisles at the small, formal room that was being used for Shepard's funeral. Although only those very close to her had been invited, hundreds were gathered just outside, wanting to pay their respects to the fallen Commander. They had her casket, albeit empty, positioned at the front of the room draped with the Alliance flag and surrounded by delicate white flowers. An early picture of Shepard, possibly from her recruitment, was watching over everyone in the room, a stern and dutiful expression painted on her face. Tali felt that Shepard's eyes followed her as she side-stepped into an row.
Tears began to burn in Tali's eyes as she observed the grief-stricken faces surrounding her. She saw Joker holding a weeping Doctor Chakwas, Ashley and Wrex sitting together in a silent vigil, and Garrus sitting alone in the farthest corner of the room, his expression unreadable. Tali glanced downwards, tears forcing their way down her face. She watched Liara reach out to hold her hand, desperate for a source of comfort.
"She would always talk to me, Tali, just to check up on me, after every mission." Tears were flowing freely down Liara's face as well. "I will never meet anyone as caring as the Commander."
Tali was at a lost for words. The Commander had meant more to her than she could express, guiding her and helping her in every way that she could through the most important part of her life: her Pilgrimage. Regret and shame stung as she realized that she had never properly given her a thank you.
Admiral Hackett stood from a front pew and took his place behind the podium. Silence filled the room as he addressed the audience. His speech was formal and contrite; he began by listing Shepard's achievements in the Alliance, naming her family members who were mourning her loss, and reciting an Alliance poem dedicated to those who lost their lives during servitude. Not once did his voice waver or betray his grief; he was a solider, through and through.
After his speech, Ashley Williams stood and saluted Hackett before replacing him at the podium. She stood to face the crowd, her brow furrowed and her eyes wet with unshed tears.
"By some odd chance, the Admiral has permitted me to say a few words dedicated to Shepard. So your cooperation during this trying speech is greatly appreciated.
"There will never be another like Commander Shepard. She was able to take down one of the greatest threats to our galaxy, both with style and grace. She always made time for every single one of her crew members. I will never forget how many times I would be walking through the Normandy to see her sitting and chatting with one of the thrust capacitor engineers, or the pilot, or even the requisitions officer. No matter how pressing each mission was, she always made time for anything that could make people way she treated her ground crew far exceeded any expections. She was an exemplary leader, inspiring everyone around her and earning both respect and love from those lucky enough to work with her.
"When I started on the ship, I was what Shepard lovingly called a 'xenophobe'. But because of Shepard's unstoppable kindness towards every living creature, regardless of race or origin, I now consider several aliens to be my best friends." Ashley flashed a warm smile at Wrex, who nodded back at her. "In my time serving under her, she has shown the resilience and fighting spirit of a krogan, the resourcefullness and mechanical prowess of a quarian, the dedication to her people and her duty of a turian, and the wisdom and kindness of an asari. I think I'm speaking for my crew mates when I say that she has an honorary place among all the races of the galaxy." Ashley's gaze finally fell on Tali when she concluded her speech with, "I'm going to use a quarian quote that I heard once, that I find to be very suitable for the occasion. 'After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began'. Keelah Se'Lai, Shepard."
Strangled noises escaped from Tali's throat at the beauty of Ashley's words, and she muttered "thank you" so quietly that only Liara could hear her.
Slowly the guests began to rise from their seats and greet each other, exchanging words of condolences. Shepard's parents and brother stood at the front of the room, all in Alliance uniform, muttering gentle words of thanks.
Tali knew this would be the last time she would see many of those that she had begun to view as her second family, so she made sure to make her rounds and say her painful goodbyes.
"Thank you for the beautiful speech, Ashley. I'm absolutely honoured that you chose a quote so important to the quarian people. You will always be Ashley vas Normandy to me."
The two woman embraced each other before Wrex enveloped both of them in a hug, nearly choking Tali. "I'll miss you two pyjaks so damn much," he grumbled. "But not as damn much as I'll miss the Commander."
"What will you both do now?" Tali asked, grateful to be able to breathe again as Wrex released them from the hug.
"I'm staying on with the Alliance, hoping to make the Commander proud and do some good for humanity."
"Tuchanka for me. Time for me to make a difference for the krogan."
"I'll be back with the Migrant Fleet. Send me a comm wave any time."
Ashley and Wrex made their way out the door, the crowd outside parting for Wrex's expression as much as his size.
"Tali," Liara said gently from behind her. "It is time for me to part as well. But I have faith that by the Goddess we'll see each other soon. I promise you, Tali. I'll find Shepard's body. I'll find her." They held each other's forearms briefly before the asari followed Wrex and Ashley out the door. Tali noticed that Liara held herself differently; she was no longer as timid as before, and she seemed to have a newfound determination in the way that she moved. Tali wasn't sure where Liara was going, but she did know that wherever it was, she was going to make a difference.
A quick scan of the room revealed that few scragglers were left, and most had left to persue their grief alone. Garrus, however, sat alone, his forearms resting on his knees, his gaze at his gloved talons. Tali approached him slowly, not wanting to disturb his thoughts.
"Garrus?"
He took a moment to look around the room, his mouth slightly open. When his gaze met hers, she nearly let out a gasp at how lost and afraid he looked.
"Tali..." his voice sounded dry and hoarse from disuse. "What do I do?"
Absolute agony. She had never seen the normally composed turian in such a state of confusion and disrepair.
"Something to honour Shepard's memory. Something that will make a difference in the galaxy. Be with your people."
His gaze bore into her. "My people aren't Shepard."
"Shepard would be disappointed to see you in such a state over her. She would want you to go somewhere in the galaxy that's just as broken as you are now and fix it, and fix yourself in the process."
He nodded slowly before returning to stare at his talons. "I should have been there. I should have been with her." He growled in frustration. "I told her I'd always be there to watch her six, and I left, and now she's dead. I should have been there."
He held his head in his taloned hands and uttered a low howl of agony. Tali reached over to rest her hand on his leathery shoulder, comfort emanating from her touch.
"Don't spend all of your time regretting that which you can't change. Use this as an opportunity to grow as a turian. You're amazing, Garrus, and you can't spend all of your energy focusing on regret. Channel your emotions into something else."
"You're right," he growled, standing up quickly. "I need to do something good. Something to help people." His mandibles fluttered into a smile. "My shot is too good to waste. Thank you, Tali."
He gripped her forearms in a gesture of friendship, his sharp talons digging briefly into her arms before walking briskly out the door, a new determination in his step.
"Bosh'tet," Tali muttered, laughing to herself before she bid farewell to Joker and Doctor Chakwas.
It was time for her to go home.
She snapped back to reality at the realization that someone had been watching her. She spun around in her chair to face a familiar mask.
"Good to see you, Kal," she said, her smile wide beneath her mask. "What can I do for you?"
"I've received a report from the Admiralty Board, ma'am. I'll be accompanying you for protection on your trip to Haestrom."
Tali didn't miss him standing up a little straighter and tucking his hands behind his back when he said that he'd be accompanying her.
"Good to hear, Kal. I'll be glad to have someone I trust there. When are we expected to arrive?"
"We'll be taking the Caselli and we're expected to be leaving in two cycle's time. It's a three day trip from here."
"Excellent. I must finish my Freedom's Progress mission report. You're dismissed."
Kal gave her a firm nod before leaving her cabin. Tali turned back to her mission report, a faint smile on her face.
Freedom's Progress may have been a disaster, but at least she had something to look forward to.
A/N: Hello lovely readers, I hope you all had a fantastic holiday. It's an update-a-thon to make up for the holidays! Expect more between today and tomorrow. Updates may still be erratic because my significant other's mother is in the hospital, but I will do my best, because I love you all.