Chapter Seventeen - Stay
She didn't expect to find Brian home after her session with Dr. Lindstrom. But there he was. Sitting in his recliner, sipping on beer, and reading a sports magazine...
His head turns to the door as he hears her keys rattling. She opens the door and is surprised to see him. Still shaken from the other night, Liv doesn't speak. Brian ignores her silent treatment and finishes his beer. Liv escapes to the kitchen. She grabs a bottled water, drinks half of it, places it on the kitchen counter, and walk pass Brian.
Heading into the bedroom, Liv stops when she hears Brian's voice. "How long are we gonna do this Liv. I'm getting real tired of the silent treatment."
She's taking by his attitude. Almost insulted. "Well you don't have to put up with it for too much longer."
He stands to his feet and looks Liv straight in the eyes. "What's that suppose to mean?"
She rolls her eyes. She doesn't want to fight. She sighs. Choosing her words carefully, Liv answers Brian. "It means that I'm going back to my apartment Brian."
He doesn't want this. Leaving? No. This was unexpected. In fact, before Liv arrived, Brian was getting ready to break the ice. He was ready to end the tension that has silenced them for three days. He never thought that Liv would be the one to end the tension. More importantly? He never suspected that she would be the one to end the tension by leaving. If he had known any of this, he would have broken the ice earlier. Much earlier. He wants her to stay. But how can he stop her? "You sure you ready for that?"
Liv smirks. She finds Brian's comment offensive. "You think it's too soon for me to go back to my place?"
Brian cluelessly agrees. "It's just my opinion right?"
"Why should I stay?" She heads into the bedroom and begins to gather all of her clothing from drawers, the chest, etc. He follows.
"Your shrink says its a good move?" He watches as she grabs two suitcases from underneath Brian's bed.
"I don't need his permission to move back into my apartment. I'm an adult and I've always made my own decisions."
Brian falls onto the bed, his voice sounds tired. Tired, not from exhaustion, but tired from weariness. "Yeah Liv you. You can take care of yourself. Ya don't need anyone. Ya don't need me, right... I wanna apologize for taking up all your time lately." He gets in her face.
"That's not what I mean Brian but if you wanna take it that way then who am I to stop you?" She begins placing her clothing in the suitcases.
"Really Liv. You wanna start playing games. Now? Really?"
She turns to him with fire in her eyes. Completely taken back by his statement. "Games?" She shakes her head. "You think this is a game? You think what we're doing here, what I'm doing here is a game?"
Brian folds his arms, not backing down. "We ignore each other for three days and because we're both too stubborn to give in, you decide what? To leave?"
She tilts her head. Brian's last words repeats inside of her head. She smirks. "You know why I'm leaving."
He watches as she continues to pack. He's confused. "Why because of the other night? Of course it is." He nods his head. "Look.. I don't know how many times I have to apologize for doing that to you. I don't care how many times just..." He grabs her arm to prevent her from placing more clothing in the suitcase. "Look.. Please Liv... You can't leave.. Not like this."
She glances in his eyes, momentarily. If she looks him in the eye any longer, she'll lose all the strength she has left. She jerks her hand away from his grip. "Bri I'm," she begins to whisper as tears fall, "I'm sorry."
He takes hold of her arm again, and with tears in his eyes, he begins to plead. "The worst thing I could of done was that. What I did the other night. How I kept forcing myself to pretend this was normal. Just sex. We've done it countless of times. No big deal right. How I ran into that bathroom to jack it instead of making sure you were ok... I am beating myself up, I'm going fucking ape shit about this and you don't deserve any of this... You trusted me to take care of you, and even though I am, I don't get to complain about you not letting me... Take. Care of you anymore... I made a mistake Liv. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I'm asking for it anyway."
Liv turns to him, tears drowning her face. "Besides the job? Brian you're all I have.. But." She pulls her arm away from Brian's clutches. "I need to figure a lot of things out. I think I-we. I think we need space. We need to be apart for a while." She tilts her head as she tries to make her voice sound firm. Only, her voice comes out sounding out like a small child.
Brian's pleading eyes refuses to close. He doesn't even want to blink. He wants to stare at her like it's the last time he ever will. He knows he's losing her or has he already lost her? "Liv please don't go. Not like this..." Brian says as tears form in his eyes. His face is hopeless. Defeated. Desperate. "Not when I just got you back."
Suddenly, Brian grabs her face and kisses her passionately. He just wants to be close to her, to touch her, to feel her, and to take all of her in... She tries to push him away, at first, but ends up giving in. She wants his protection and security. She isn't clinging onto him like a weak damsel in distress. She is clinging onto him like someone not easily broken yet terrified of lonliness.
Brian's soothing tongue wets her dry mouth. His scruffy face brushes gently on her milky olive skin. She feels his warm tears colliding with her warm tears. This goes on for seconds. Both lovers, not wanting at all to pull away, not wanting to let go. They held one another tightly. It was as if pulling away from another meant the ending of humanity.
Brian is the one to pull back. As much as he wanted this to continue, he could feel Liv shaking. Rather her shaking was caused from fear or caused from excitement, he knew the best thing to do was pull back.
Breathing heavy, her voice trembling, Liv grabs one suitcase. "I can't do this.." She grabs the other suitcase and walks out, leaving Brian a completely broken man.
Later that evening...
It's not much of a life you're living. It's not just something you take–it's given. Round and around and around and around we go. Now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know. Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move. Makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way. I want you to stay.
...
A crisp summer's night. Brian Cassidy walks the streets of New York City, feeling like a stranger. Everything appears new and unfamiliar. The buildings, the lights, the passerby's, the cabs, the smells, the loud noises, etc. Things that he's observed, smelled, and has heard on daily basis is now dissociated from Brian's world. And because the last few weeks of his world revolved solely around her, she was all he knew. Olivia was and is his world.
The fall would be coming soon. The smell of autumn leaves dances near Brian's nose. The fall was his favorite season. It was the season that prepares the world for a new year. He was hoping that he and Liv would bring in 2014 together. Strangely, as he ponders on the new year, he looks up and notices where he is, Time Square. Time square, ball dropping for twenty, one-four. That's where me and Liv'll be.
His thoughts weighed him down. He's never had to fight or beg a woman to reconcile. He never thought any of them were worth that much fight. Sex was almost always the focus for Brian in all his relationships. But not with Liv. Not with the woman he desired to grow old with. It was more than sex. Much more.
Brian must have walked the streets of NYC for two hours until he finally made it to his unknown destination. After Liv left his place, Brian headed to a sports bar. He drunk a few beers then began his long walk. He just wanted to walk it off. Walk off every feeling. There was no specific place, no specific destination.
Standing outside of her apartment building, Brian realized that his subconscious brought him right where he needed to be. His heart beats faster with every step closer. He doesn't want to enter. He wants to enter. Utter confusion and anxiety attacks Brian to his core. It was as if he was in a boxing match where some people cheered him on and others screamed for him to take a dive.
For a fraction of a second, all of his screaming thoughts stopped. He takes the chance to run inside the apartment complex. There was no turning back. No elevators. Elevators were too slow. Elevators would give him time to think, to change his mind. His feet has a dull ache from all the walking but he choses to take the stairs. As he enters the stairway, he finds an elderly couple arguing.
"Monie, you gotta stop sleeping in these stairways ya yutz." An elderly woman yells at her elderly-snoring husband while hitting him repeatedly with her bamboo purse.
Brian rushes pass them and reaches Liv's hall. It's quite dark. The only light bulb in the hallway flashes on and off. Brian finds this hallway eerily quiet. Quiet enough to hear his own heartbeat. He walks towards the end, towards Liv's door. He notices a dark figure sitting on the outside of her apartment door. Taking out his phone, Brian uses the flashlight app to get a better look.
There she was. Sitting on the floor, visibly shaking. Gripping onto herself so tightly. Her eyes are as stone and red as a person who's inhaled an entire plant of marijuana. Brian stoops to her side, severely concerned. "Liv?"
For seconds, Liv's stare remains. Brian decides to give her what he think she needs. All she needs is someone to just be there. Not to give her advice. Not to give her comfort. Not to do anything other than just be there.
He sits next to her, rests his head against the wall, and breathes. For almost an hour, they sit in silence. Brian worries about what's going on inside of Liv's mind. Liv's mind, for the first time in a while, is empty. Finally, she lets out a deep breath.
"I can't do it. I tried but... I can't go in there." Her whispering and breathless voice tortures Brian. He tries to think of something to say. Then, suddenly Liv continues. "I don't know I guess I-"
"Had to see it for yourself?" Brian interrupts, finishing her sentence like the better half of a person should.
"I made a mistake..." She shakes her head. "But I had to see if I could, ya know?"
"Yea Liv I got that but... Can you let me in. You shouldn't of come here alone. I should have followed you after you left.. We gotta talk. We gotta open up to each other because if we don't do that then I don't know.." He sighs.
"For the first time in my life... I've lost control. The decisions I make are getting more and more irrational and..." She lets out a small cry, but no tears. "I feel so lost."
"As long as I'm breathing Liv? You never have to feel lost again. Wherever you are is my home. And I need you to know that wherever I am, is your home."
"The other night? It wasn't completely your fault. How you handled it, yes but. But not how it started. I'm sorry." Her voice is cracking.
"No. Please don't apologize to me just? Tell me. Tell me where I can touch you. When I can kiss you. If I do something that reminds you of whatever he did to you then tell me. Let me know this Liv. You lead I follow right. And.." He pauses. He's trying to think of a fair way to say this next statement. "I know that you would rather not talk about what happened but. But I need you to tell me everything babe. It's the only way we can get things better right. Huh?" He turns to her and smiles. "We can't go back. We gotta move forward. You all I got now Liv and I want us to grow through his together... Not apart." Brian is relieved when Liv grabs his hand. She nods her head. She agrees with everything he's saying. "Because everything I am is-in love with you," Brian concludes.
Liv turns to him, places her face against his, and hugs him tightly. "Thank you for loving me." Liv holds him more tighter as she feels him pulling away. She's not done embracing him, he holds no complaints. "And thank you for letting me love you." Her words shock Brian and causes him to hold her like his life depended on it... After the long embrace, Brian and Liv leave. They hail a cab and return to Brian's home. Their home.
I want you to stay. The reason I hold on. 'Cause I need this hole gone. Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving. 'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving...
To Be Continued...