CHAPTER 10 : SECOND THOUGHTS
They arrived in Paris late afternoon and it took a moment for Merlin's mind to change into French. They parted company with Lance and Tom, Arthur hailed a taxi for the twenty three minutes walk to their apartment building. Merlin smiled, his mother would think that quite extravagant but 10€ seemed more reasonable to Arthur than walking in the rain dragging hand luggage. They arrived at Rue Lauriston and Arthur managed to kiss Merlin in the covered passageway between the street and the courtyard. "Might as well start as we intend to continue," he said.
As they walked quickly across the courtyard, the rain was lessening. They got into the creaky lift and Arthur said with his arm around Merlin's shoulders, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. I have a paper to prepare for tomorrow afternoon and I'll be burning the midnight oil."
Merlin was disappointed; he had hoped to have been invited to spend the evening with Arthur but he understood as the jobs they both did, often called for late hours and early mornings. He leant forward and allowed Arthur to kiss him before opening the lift door on the third floor.
Arthur smiled as he said, "Have an early night and get some much needed sleep, no nightmares but you have my number if you need to talk to me."
Merlin feeling a little disappointed, nodded but as the lift continued to the fifth he knew that Arthur watched it until it was out of sight. His phone was buzzing as he opened the door to his flat and he answered expecting Arthur but hearing Gawaine. "Good, you're home! I have a large pizza and I'm in your neighbourhood, care to invite me for supper?"
"Sure, we just arrived back. Arthur's busy with a report so come on up, the door will be open." …and so Merlin didn't spend his first night back in Paris alone.
"So," he said as they made short work of the pizza, "Did you go for it as I suggested?"
Merlin blushed and grinned saying, "Gawaine, my mother taught me that it was not nice to ask personal questions as it often embarrasses both parties."
"For shit's sake, Merlin it's me… what did you and Arthur get up to while you were in England?"
-0-0-
Arthur was making better progress with his work than he had expected. He decided to take a break and go up to see Merlin and surprise him. He took the lift and got to the floor marvelling at the automated light system. He reached the flat and lifted his hand to knock but heard voices, muffled to be sure but two male voices. He stood still and waited letting his mind work through all the possibilities.
Merlin had never mentioned having another close friend, just people he knew at work and socialised with at Jack's or one of the other pubs or restaurants in the area. He remembered that Merlin had said, 'Only my Mam and Leon have ever seen where I live. He'd laughed before adding, 'It's nothing special but I feel safe and happy here.' Arthur picked up on Merlin's laughter and it went like an arrow straight to his heart.
He thought he knew Merlin, he really did. How stupid was he! He'd known him for what, a couple of months, just socially but he'd lost his heart and his head to a young man about whom he knew hardly anything. He had suspected that the feelings were mutual. Merlin had been in Paris for more than nine months. Why wouldn't he have other friends? ...but he had seemed so sincere. He had listened to him saying that he'd never been in love and knew that he was out of his depth... He was under the impression that they had agreed to take their time…and Leon, had he hoodwinked him as well? He remembered their conversations returning to the apartment with a slightly tipsy Merlin.
Leon had wished him 'Good Luck', knowing full well that he had feelings for Merlin. Where had the whole thing fallen apart? He'd kissed him in the lift a couple of hour ago, they'd held hands on the train, kissed and cuddled in his London flat. What had he missed? Was Merlin just a tease? Did he have someone else in his life about whom even Leon didn't know?
Arthur turned and walked along the dark narrow corridor with arms outstretched trailing his hands along the walls. He remembered the suggestion, 'Walk towards the light!' and he did just that till he reached the lift area which was illuminated. He briefly raised his hand and allowed his forefinger to brush against his wet cheeks.
He unlocked his apartment door and walked in, locking it behind him. He turned off his phone and threw it on the hall table. Walking to the window, he stood watching the raindrops race each other down the pane and repeated to himself, "You fool, you stupid fool!"
He remembered the kind woman who had been his nanny as a child and who had remained in the household until she retired to the seaside only three years ago. Dear Mrs Talbot, she had always told him not to be impetuous in love. Years ago she had told him, 'If someone loves you, Arthur, they love you. That is the end of the matter. No one can be forced to love, they can be forced to have sex but that is not love. Love is never something that is the result of a demand; it is given freely and joyously with no bounds and no expectations. When you meet the right person, you will know in your heart. There will be no questions, it will feel right. You are a lovely boy, stop worrying about it! Somewhere there is a girl waiting for you…'
He wished that he were sitting across from her in the kitchen of his father's house, sipping tea, he would have said, "If what you say is right, why am I so unhappy? It was love, it really was…" He threw himself on his bed, flashes of Merlin disturbing his thoughts as he tried to sleep.
He woke with a start. "Merlin?"
He came to more fully and padded into the hall reaching for his phone. Turning it on, he got the end of a ring. He said, "Merlin?" There was another half ring but then the connection was cut and the dial tone returned. He'd missed the call. He redialled Merlin's number but he was advised to leave a message as the person he was trying to reach was unable to take the call.
Arthur was wide awake. His first idea was to go upstairs but then he made himself realise he would be infringing on the privacy of someone he obviously hardly knew. He tried once more to reach Merlin with no success. He gave up and turned off his phone.
Merlin was surprised when Arthur hadn't answered. He didn't want to appear needy so he hung up and turned his phone off. Gawaine and he had a good time and upon being asked, he'd confessed that he and Arthur had kissed and he felt that the feeling might be mutual. Gawaine was thrilled for him, Arthur was a good man and that was what Merlin deserved.
Lying on his bed and looking out the little window which looked toward the still floodlit Sacré-Cœur, Merlin prayed that Arthur was all right and that their futures might be together. He then whispered, "God bless Mam and Gaius!" and then as if as a second thought, he added shyly, "…and Arthur…"
-0-0-
Merlin woke to bright sunlight, beautiful weather for the first full work week in January. He grabbed a glass of grapefruit juice. He would have liked to have seen Arthur before he started work. He decided to walk and passing one the many bakeries, he bought a croissant and a coffee. He arrived in the office and was greeted by Lance. "The accounting department agreed to augment my wages to reflect the fact that I am no longer using one of their flats."
"You'll be rich...so you can pay for lunch," Merlin said laughing.
"Have you seen Arthur?"
"No, he was busy last night and once we got to the apartment, we went on our separate ways. However, Gawaine came over with pizza so we were able to get caught up. Probably see them tonight at Jack's."
A supervisor walked by saying with a smile, "Au travail, mes enfants! Les vacances sont terminées." They made inappropriate gestures at him and smiled as they went to their respective desks. Merlin was hardly seated when a clerk came by with a pile of documents. He was so engrossed with his work that he didn't bother taking a coffee break and by lunch he was famished. Lance and he made their way upstairs but they saw neither hide nor hair of either Arthur, Gawaine or Tom. The day progressed as normal and by five, Merlin had found time to make a short grocery list.
He returned to the apartment laden down with food. Once the staples were put away, he treated himself to a cup of Barry's tea before facing cooking supper. He again slipped his hand into his pocket to make sure that his phone was still there and turned on. It hadn't rung all day which was strange as he'd half expected to hear from Arthur.
By nine o'clock, he decided to phone him but was greeted by 'leave a message', surely one of the most annoying commands in the English language. He said, "Hi, Arthur, it's me!" figuring that Arthur would at least know that he had called. He phoned his mother and told her that he'd arrived safely and work was much the same as usual.
"Did you have a nice time in London, Dear?"
He told her about the theatre, the Tower and Execution Dock but omitted the nightmare and the time he and Arthur had spent together. "I'll speak to you again on the weekend and say hello to Gaius. Bye, Mam!"
-0-0-
The following day at noon, he talked Gawaine into checking up on Arthur. He dropped by later, saying that he hadn't seen him but that he had asked the receptionist on the floor and she had told him quite pointedly, 'It is not my job, Gawaine, to keep track for you of other workers in International Investments. Go away and stop wasting my time!' Gawaine had smiled while he passed on the message as there was a lingering animosity between the two of them as he's dumped her for a French girl from the same department.
"Gawaine, you're your own worst enemy. Can't you find your love alliances outside the office?"
"What is this, Merlin, the pot calling the kettle black?" Gawaine said, putting his arm around Merlin's shoulders and squeezing him to his side.
Of course, it had to be at that instance that Arthur walked in. Instead of treating it as a typical Gawaine move and walking up laughing, wanting to know why Gawaine was on Merlin's floor and what they were discussing. Arthur feeling insecure turned on his heel and left the department.
Merlin and Lance were kept busy all afternoon, Merlin having to attend a departmental meeting and then it was time to leave. He met up with Lance in the lift and said, "Jack's tonight?"
"Sorry can't, I've still got a couple of bags to take over to Libby's and …"
Merlin grinned saying, "I know, the idea of sitting around drinking with the guys comes second to staying at home with Libby."
"Got it right, the first time, Merlin!" said Lance patting him on the back as they parted company. "But, you should go as probably Gawaine and Arthur will be there as well as Tom."
-0-0-
For some reason, Merlin was happier to stay in his flat once he got home. He made an omelette with mushrooms and sat watching TV glancing every now and again at his quiet phone on the table. He wondered what he had said or done to chase Arthur away. The stupid thing was that he really missed him. Maybe he wasn't well, he should phone him to find out but then had second thoughts.
Leon used to tease him that he was needy. 'Merlin, get out and do your own thing. You're intelligent and friendly the social scene is quite safe if you keep your wits about you. Know your limit and keep to it. You don't have to drink to make friends!' Before he left to return to England, he'd said, 'Go out and have fun. Your friends seem very nice.' Merlin had nodded in agreement as Leon had added digging him in the ribs, 'Especially that Arthur bloke…' Merlin remembered he'd blushed and Leon had laughed at him.
Leon had seen that there was something between the two of them but why was he himself now second guessing that Arthur liked him? London had been wonderful, shared kisses and cuddles in private, looks and surreptitious handholding in public. Arthur had seemed to have taken every opportunity to reach out and touch him from friendly nudges to an arm across his shoulders. They had sat practically glued together all the way on the train and suddenly…everything had changed.
He regretted ever telling Gawaine what had happened, he now would look like a fool. Someone who sees in everyday circumstances something special but deep down he knew otherwise, it had been special hadn't it…at least for him?
He finally turned in and lay in bed, going over in his mind the two nights he'd stayed at Arthur's and how well they seemed to get on. He wished that Arthur was with him now. He needed to be hugged, cuddled and kissed…especially kissed, he decided smiling sadly, before falling asleep.
His dreams were full of Arthur and he was always just beside him. He could feel him and felt safe and brave and ready to take on the world. He was smiling at him and tilting his head in that adorable way that he did. His arms were around him and he awoke to the early church bells feeling loved and so special…and then reality dawned on him.
-0-0-
Arthur had tossed and turned all night. This loving thing wasn't much fun. His dreams were more like nightmares. He'd be holding Merlin and someone would walk up and Merlin would apologise and say that he had to leave with the other person. Some of the men he recognised, Leon, Gawaine, Lance and Tom but others were strangers and he didn't like the way they had their hands all over him.
He woke confused and tired. He couldn't face another day of this, he had to do something. He would take a stand; he'd speak with Merlin and find out in the nicest way, what his intentions were. If he had been barking up the wrong tree, he would apologise and leave him, however if he had been right in his assumptions, he would hold him telling him that he never wanted to let him go.