Chapter Nineteen - Full Circle
Brian has tears pouring from his eyes. The rage will sneak upon him, much later and much unexpectedly. He's in a state of shock. He's paralyzed to the point where he doesn't even notice Liv standing behind him.
"Turn it off." Liv's voice is calm. Brian looks up at her and watches as she sits in the recliner.
Brian is almost speechless. He doesn't realize it but his lips are moving. "Who sent this to you?"
She lets out a shaky sigh as her tears reform in her eyes. "Who do you think?" Liv shakes her head while staring Brian in the eyes. They stare at one another, not knowing what to do next.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Oh let's go back to the start. Running in circles, coming in tails. Heads on a science apart.
After a few seconds, Brian decides to say something. He doesn't know what he's going to say, but he will say it. Just as he mouths out Liv's name, another text pops up. The same number. Another video. "Shit..." He looks up at Liv, she saw it too. "He sent another one." Brian swallows a lump of nothing.
Liv sits next to Brian on the sofa, she tries to grab the phone out of Brian's hand, he doesn't let go of the phone. "Brian, seriously." She gets agitated. She struggles to get a hold of the phone but Brian isn't budging. Through his silence, Liv can tell that Brian isn't just handing over the phone. He will not sit there and watch her go through that torture.
"Look Liv by watching this? He gets to torture you from behind a cell. Now? Do you think you need that?" Brian says before Liv gives in.
For several seconds, Liv makes herself comfortable. She eases into Brian's arms on the sofa. He plants a gentle kiss on her forehead and assures her that Lewis couldn't touch her anymore. She agrees. After more time, Brian is able to place her cell on the end table and immediately regrets doing so. Before he blinks his eyes, Liv grabs her cell and presses play.
The first video brought her back to a dark place. A dark place she's still currently in, and, this video would be worse. "I need to know," Liv utters as she presses play. She needs to know but does she want to know? No. Never. Brian, even though he doesn't want her to see it, is also craving the need to know. Liv wasn't telling him anything. Maybe this video would.
Brian and Liv anticipates as this second video begins...
Lewis has the camera on Liv. She's knocked out and restrained to the chair inside of her living room. The camera is shaky but the sound is more clearer. The sound of Liv breathing is loud but not as loud as the sound of Lewis's moaning. For exactly forty-three seconds, the shaky camera is focused on an unconscious Liv. When the forty-fourth second comes along, Lewis's penis is quickly shoved in Liv's face.
Brian pauses the video just as Liv runs to the bathroom. He runs after her in a panic. In the bathroom, Liv struggles to lift the toilet lid. When it's lifted, she falls to her knees and throws up. Brian grabs her hair, preventing it from being exposed to her own bile. As she vomits, she begins to cry. It's hard for her to breathe. She hears his voice. She hears Lewis's voice. She hears his words I own you. I own your body, I own your soul echoing inside her mind repeatedly. Brian tries to calm her down but the flashbacks are coming worse than ever before.
She's back in her apartment. Her eyes are closed. She's weak and she's trying to fight to stay awake. Lewis think she's unconscious, but she's not as unconscious as he believes. She can hear him unzipping his jeans. She also hears the jeans dropping to the floor. She feels his half erected penis smashing into her face. He's enraged. The more he fails to slide himself inside her mouth, the more she slips into oblivion.
She lost the fight to keep her eyes open a long time ago but now... She's losing the fight to stay conscious. Then suddenly, not knowing the time lapse, Liv feels that there is something preventing her from breathing. It's a struggle. It feels as if she's drowning and the water has gotten to her lungs. This was the time she needed to wake up. She hears herself making involuntary crackling noises and finally, she pops open her eyes. When she breathes, she smells the stench of Lewis's musty genital all over her face.
Meanwhile, Brian continues to comfort Liv as her vomiting discontinues. She falls onto him, staring up at the bathroom ceiling with crazy eyes. The back of Liv's head is resting on his face and neck, while, her back is resting on his chest. Her legs are so closed tight. Her arms are stretched out so wide and she looks dead. The tears appear to be stuck in her eyes. She's paralyzed.
Brian knows what's happening. Lately, Brian has been researching and getting advice on PTSD and especially on 'how to handle' flashbacks. He understands everything Liv is experiencing now. He knows what's next. He knows how to stop it. He decides to let it happen. He wants her to let it all out. It's painful for him to see her staring into those four days with Lewis. He wants nothing other than to pull Liv out of the dark oblivion. To hold her tighter and make her feel as safe as possible. However, Brian knows that she needs to go through this fire to come out the other side.
Benson's crazed eyes are finally telling that story she never wanted to know. The story of something so horrible. The story she experienced that murdered Olivia Benson and turned her into the shell she is today.
She's inside that SUV, in those woods. Lewis is climbing on top of her and pending her hands down. He's ripping the back of her shirt. He's naked from the waist down. She's begging him not to as she feels his erection on her thighs. He's pulling her pants down and it's easy because he's already removed her underwear. He's tugging at her belt. She yearns for the strength to fight him off.
Brian gets worried when Liv begins gasping for air. He decides that it is time for him to bring her out of the flashback. She's shaking so much that her teeth clatters. She's so cold. Brian calls her name repeatedly. Her eyes remain focused on the ceiling. She wasn't back yet. The current state of his girlfriend is getting to be too much for Brian to bear. He takes her hands and whispers into her ears, "Liv i'm here, it's me hey, hey i'm here, just squeeze my hand and hear my voice." He squeezes her hand tighter. "Hey babe it's ok, it's ok and you're safe, it's ok."
Liv is still stuck. Something, a force of some kind, is keeping her from coming back to Brian. Back to the real world.
She's with Lewis. They're at that beach house. Why did she have to insinuate that she needed to use that bathroom? Her judgement was off but she should have still known better. As he was leading her to that bathroom at gunpoint, Liv felt an impending death sentence. Her heart never pounded so hard, so fast. Was she catching a heart attack? She felt relieved as she emptied her bladder. He emptied his...in her face. She never remembered feeling so dehumanizing. So trashy. Like an object, an animal, a toilet bowl. He's bending her over. She feels his finger entering her, harshly. She's screaming. She feels his erect penis at he opening of her anal canal. He's raping her?
"Hey. Squeeze my hand. Liv come on squeeze it... There ya go there ya go." Brian whispers as Liv finally comes out of her flashback.
"Whaa?" Liv is out of breath. When she comes to, she finds herself cradled in Brian's arm. They're in the living room, on the sofa. She doesn't remember Brian carrying her out of the bathroom and into the living room.
Brian reaches for the cold bottle of water on the end table. "Nice and cold. Go ahead take a sip huh." He's about to gently pour the water in her mouth but she finds the strength to get up and get off of Brian. He moves over so that Liv can sit next to him. She grabs the water with shaky hands and sips. "You ok?" He bits his tongue, thinking, stupid fucking question Brian.
Liv take more sips of water before answering Brian. "Not really." Her body is quivering, making her voice shudder.
"Ok. Ok." Brian observes how her shaky hands struggle to place the water on the end table. It is so bad that some of the water falls out. He grabs her hand and helps her put the water on the table. When their hands touch, Liv looks into Brian's eyes. "What do you need?" Brian asks. Liv blinks her eyes, she gives him a look that answers his question. He nods his head. He gets it. She told him what she needs, earlier. She needs to know.
"Turns out it's not that difficult to send phone texts from Rikers. Nothing is certain but my guy tells me someone slipped Lewis a burner phone between visits."
John Munch says after he ends his phone call to a security guard at Rikers.
"Yea but. That doesn't explain how he was able to get his hands on that video." Brian says, tiredly. He looks up as John Munch flops into Brian's recliner.
"Yea sure. Yea thanks Frank..." Amaro ends the call as he makes his way into the living room from the kitchen. There, Munch, Brian, and Liv are all sitting around cluelessly.
Amaro doesn't bother sitting. With Munch in the recliner and Liv snuggled next to Brian on the two-seater, there really isn't a place for Nick to sit. He, however, leans on the wall, observing how vulnerable Liv is allowing herself to be in Cassidy's arms. He thought he was shock when he caught Liv in Cassidy's old apartment wearing just a shirt. But now? This vulnerable side of his partner shocked him more than anything.
Everyone has their moments where they let their guards down, Nick knows that all to well. Yet, he never imagine Liv to be included in that list of "everyone". Oddly, Nick took this moment as a comfort. At least she's not alone. Cassidy seems to be pretty good with helping her, that's good, Nick admits to himself.
"Hey Amaro. It's a long walk up here and the elevator isn't working. It's cool. Have a seat." Brian says, turning around to inform Nick that his end table was sit-a-ble. Amaro doesn't hesitate. He flops down on the table. His feet thanks Brian.
Brian didn't want to leave Liv. Despite their dislike for one another, Brian would be more than willing to give his house guest (Amaro) his seat. But? Brian didn't want to leave Liv. He's allowing her to lay her head on his chest. With his left arm, Brian coddles Liv. He uses the right arm to caress her sweating forehead. Munch tries hard not to take in the sadness of it all. Never in a million years would he have bet that Liv would end up with Cassidy. And this long? No. On the other hand, Munch feels a bit of reassurance. All the years he's known her, Liv has been on her own. Always alone. After what Lewis put her through? Munch is not so sure that she could survive the aftermath on her own.
And Liv. She's in a daze. It was as if all the therapy and all the passing time meant nothing. She's coming full circle. Her state of mind may be returning to those first days after William Lewis. Do the others even notice that she's going back to the start?
Before Munch and Amaro got there, Liv and Brian began to wonder how Lewis was able to send those videos. They needed help. In turn, Brian phoned Munch and Liv phoned Nick. They rushed over as soon as they could.
"That was the warden at Rikers. He says he knew nothing about Lewis sending that video and has no clue who gave him a phone." Nick says, glancing at Olivia.
"I should have changed my number. He's smart..." Liv says above a whisper. She shakes her head and the men stare at her intently. "Whatever he did. Or whoever he got to send that text to my phone..." She smirks, nodding her head. "We'll never know... And what's the point anyway?" Liv grabs the bottle of water and nearly drinks it all. The guys watch her in silence. "He's locked up right. This is the only way he can get to me... This changes nothing." She concludes.
"Not really Liv," Nick states as he shows confusion to why Liv isn't thinking what everyone else is thinking. "Look you testified that Lewis didn't rape you. I mean, victims do have trouble recalling their attack right. And especially in your case... Look you told the truth, the only truth you knew right. I mean. You said he didn't rape you. Ok then... But the rape kit couldn't prove if he did or if he didn't. From what we can tell in that last video? He did something, right, while you were knocked out... Aggravated rape of a police officer?" Nick pauses as he and Liv lock eyes. "Look all I'm saying is... Sending that video won't help his lawyer's argument. And Barba, after he watch these videos? He's going to go after Lewis with aggravated rape."
Liv stands to her feet. She wants to argue that Lewis did not rape her but she can't. At this point, there is more evidence that he did. Why wouldn't he? He wanted to destroy her. He held her for four days. What made her so special that she was spared rape?
After Munch and Nick left, Brian headed for the shower. Liv attempted to eat a slice of pizza but ended up in bed, almost numb. Her appetite was gone. She was sick of feeling sorry for herself but she couldn't help feeling weak and damaged. Before he got into the shower, Brian attempted to turn on the TV in the bedroom. Liv just wanted to hear the city sounds, the sirens, etc. However, the city was eerily quiet tonight.
As she now lies in bed, clinging to Brian's pillow, the silence is too much. She musters the strength to get up and head to the living room. She grabs the remote for the radio, turns it on, goes back to the bedroom, lies down, and relaxes to the music. The Scientist, Coldplay, a song she fell in love with after her new partner played it on one of their stakeouts.
As she closes her eyes, she realizes that tonight was the first time she and Nick were together since the bruises that Lewis created disappeared. The first time since she went temporarily insane and chopped off most of her hair. But her heart sinks. The way Nick looked at her tonight? She saw that same look on his face every time they interviewed a victim. A victim of rape, she's a victim of rape now.
As Liv closes her eyes, tears fall. Outside and into the night, Nick Amaro stares up at Brian's window. The chest in the window is blocking his view but he wonders and worries about Liv.
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. Oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails. Coming back as we are. Nobody said it was easy. Oh it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start.
Before she knew it, Liv was fast asleep. She feels Brian's arm gripping her tightly around the waist. She hears his snoring. He left the music on. It's around five a.m when 'Brian's alarm' wakes them up.
Groggily, Liv asks, "Bri. I thought today was your day off?"
Brian rises up, yawning. "It is." He grabs his phone from the night stand. Wait. He looks twice at his phone. Confused. Blinking his eyes, he turns over to Liv. "My phone isn't even turned on."
Liv heart sinks. She realizes it's her phone. It's probably another video. This was getting old. She grabs her phone from her night stand and let's out a deep breath. Brian relaxes when he notices Liv's sigh is a relieving sigh. "It's not Lewis. It's Kathy."
"It's a little early to be calling huh?" Brian says, partially annoyed and partially curious. "Maybe it's about their kid who got in that accident. Kathleen?" Brian says as he lies back down.
Liv nods her head, agreeing. "Yea." She presses talk on her cell. "Kathy hey. What's wrong?" Her voice is sleepy.
"Not Kathy Liv. It's me."
Liv takes seconds to catch her breath. She isn't hearing what she's hearing. Is she? Her pounding heart wakes her up faster than the taste Folgers and Starbucks coffee. "Elliot?" She says as Brian pops back up, shocked as well.
"Yea. It's me. This a bad time?" Elliot Stabler. Elliot Stabler. Liv lets out a breath of air that she and Brian both felt she had been holding in for years.
"No it. It isn't." Liv stares at Brian and isn't able to hide her emotions...
Come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you. Tell you I'll set you apart.
To Be Continued...