Chapter 23 - Repression, Obsession, & Transgression
PART THREE
"Everyone who hides transgressions aren't at all monsters."-Unknown
A week later...
She doesn't even recognize this place. The stuffy and musty smell weakens her stomach. Once a cozy and soothingly serene apartment is now in shambles. A junkyard. No one bothered to clean it. She never stopped paying the bills. Her name's still on the lease but this is no longer her home. Her carpet is stained with her own blood. The smell of burnt flesh instantly hits her before she notices the ashtray filled with ashes.
The flashbacks come stronger than ever. Liv takes a deep breath and tries not to suck in the horrible odor. It's been two months since the kidnapping. Liv has gone through all the textbooks symptoms that victims often experience after an assault. The last set back was her lack of sleep followed by her addiction for sleep. Now, Liv tries too hard to find some type of normality. She lives in a painful place. She lives in denial.
"Hey Liv I wish you would let me get that for you..." Brian enters the chaotic apartment in an immediate protective mode. He wants to get Liv out. He offers to help her pick up the mess.
"Bri, I got it.." Liv says as she lifts the chair she was once restrained to.
"You ok?" Brian is worried. He never wanted her to come here. However, coming to the apartment meant not going to Rikers.
When Brian found out about Liv's plans to physically confront Lewis, he managed to talk her out of the idea. It wasnt easy because Liv was adamant. Brian won the argument by phoning Liv's friend Casey Novak, who was already in town. Casey, Brian, and Liv met at a sports bar to watch a baseball game. It was simple and not at all out of the ordinary. Casey wanted to meet the man who tamed Olivia Benson. Brian, Liv, and Casey were all sports fans.
Was it simple and not at all out of the ordinary? No. It was a set up. It worked because Liv had no idea. Long story short, Casey gave Liv legal advice on why she shouldn't confront Lewis with the impending trial coming up. Brian knows how much Liv wants Lewis to rot in prison and he also knows that visiting Lewis would hurt the case against him. Liv isn't thinking and she wouldn't take his word so he called Casey...
On a brighter and surprisingly mature note, and after Liv renege the idea of confronting Lewis, she and Brian decided to move in together. This was onky two nights ago.
Liv was the one to pitch the idea. Brian is still shocked at her proposal. He loves Liv. If they move in together then he gets to keep an eye on her without being aggravating. He knew Liv was due to move out his place soon but he dreaded the day. Now, his worries are over because they're going to start apartment shopping next week.
Liv and Brian spend the next two hours cleaning out her apartment. After they're done, they take a cab to Jersey where they meet up with Brian's mother. The three of them have lunch at a family restaurant. One of Brian's younger cousin proposes to his girlfriend and the pressures of Brian doing the same to Liv is brought on by his mother.
The couple leave long after and don't get home until later that night. When they arrive home, Liv and Brian drink wine and listen to smooth music. Brian brings out his most soulful musical collections. Musical tunes that made babies. Musical tunes that brought republicans and democrats together. Musical tunes that his father passed down onto him.
Stevie Wonder's voice fits the mood, while the lyrics tickle their ears. On good terms, and the best day for both of them, the two lovers get inspired to allow the moment to take them.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me. Someone I've needed so long. For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me. And somehow I know I'll be strong. For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of. Long before I knew. Someone warm like you. Would make my dreams come true.
As the music soaks into their souls, Brian is hit with a burst of cheerful sensations. Liv sits in the recliner, taking off her shoes. When Brian begins to sing along, Liv catches his eyes. Oh my God he's dancing?
The sight of her nonchalant boyfriend dancing almost at rhythm, causes Liv to laugh. "How much have you been drinking there?" She laughs as Brian holds out his hands. Liv looks at him in a puzzling way.
"What?" "Come on. Join me? Come on come on.." Brian says in a pleading voice. "Liv? It's ok." He grabs her anyway. Liv puts her head in Brian's chest and allows him to guide her stiff body in motion.
"Bri you smell like Gain..." She sniffs his neck. "Lavender? You've been using my lotion?" Liv continues to blabber as Brian continues to dance with her silently.
"Liv? Never thought I'd get to say this to another person, because I never shut up, but shhh. Stop talking."
Liv decides to remain quiet and let the music take control.
For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me. Not like it's hurt me before. For once, I have something I know won't desert me I'm not alone anymore. For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it. As long as I know I have love, I can make it. For once in my life, I have someone who needs me.
"You did what you had to.."
"Go ahead do it baby, don't let this go to trial."
"My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face."
Liv pops up from her horrible nightmare. She's shaken. Beads of sweat on her forehead. Brian is sound asleep. She tries to catch her breath. When she's calm down enough, Liv glances at her boyfriend. She envies the serene sleeper.
She gets out of bed and drags herself to the bathroom. Liv grabs the sleeping meds from the bathroom counter and pops two pills in her mouth. She runs the water in the sink and grabs enough water to swallow the pills plus splash some on her face. As she leaves out the bathroom and head to the living room, Liv is bothered immensely. She can't quite figure out what's bugging her but she knows it has a lot to do with her nightmare.
One of those nightmares that you wake up from but have no memory of what happened? She knows the bad dream was all about Lewis but she felt as if she was the monster...not Lewis.
Sitting in the recliner, Liv closes her eyes. She wishes to fall back asleep quickly. Another sleepless night was not what she wants right now. Tomorrow, Liv is planning to visit her therapist. For the past week, Liv has decided to work on getting better. She misses her job. She wants it all to get back to where it was before Lewis.
She will work as hard as she can to mask her true reality. Denial can be the best escapism.
Before she knows it, Liv slips back into the world of sleep.
...
Four hours later...
Brian staggers groggily into the living room to find Liv asleep on the recliner. He kisses her on her forehead, places a blanket over her, and heads for the shower. He has to be at work in a few hours.
The sound of the bathroom door closing startles Liv. She twitches in her sleep. She's having that same nightmare.
"You did what you had to.."
"Go ahead do it baby, don't let this go to trial."
"My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face."
Liv slowly opens her eyes. She remembers the dream this time. She realizes what's bothering her now and what bothered her before. He was restrained and I still...
Guilt.
To Be Continued...