Chapter 24 - Dr. Lindstrom

As Liv sits in the comfortable chair, she stares blindly at her therapist. He sits in another comfortable chair, across from her trying to study her body language. She's in deep thought. The session started only a few minutes ago but Liv feels as if she's been sitting in this spot for hours. Lindstrom knows that she begins work tomorrow. He understands her anxiety. He needs to begin the session.

"Olivia?" His voice is soft and gentle. So soft and gentle that Liv doesn't hear him calling. He clears his throat and heightens his voice tone. "Olivia?"

Liv's eyes falls on Lindstrom. Her dead stare disappears into a masking smile, a visibly phony expression. Who is she trying to fool?

"Yea?" She shakes her head, finally answering Lindstrom. "Sorry."

"Are you ok?" He asks, deeply concerned.

Liv flashes a smile that seems good enough to appear sincere. She begins to play with her fingers. She's nervous. "Tomorrow-"

"Yea I know tomorrow is your first day back. I'm not concerned at where you are tomorrow Olivia." He leans forward in his chair, trying to grab all of Liv's attention with his eyes. "I'm more concerned with where you are right now."

Liv has a confusing look on her face as she tries to figure out Lindstrom's concerns. It's.. Okay, I get it.. She knows what he means. He wants to know why she's being so distant in this session. She could tell him that she's nervous about work but he's not buying that explanation. The past few nights, Brian has been on night shifts. Every night has gone back to hell as Liv battled her guilt, her own memories, and her demons. The sleeping pills help only at times, the wine slows down the process, and keeping busy helps her body to feel tired. However, nothing truly works in the night when Lewis visits her brain. Sometimes, Lewis visits her during the day. Like today.

She can't stop her brain from going back to that last day at the beach house...

"It-It's Liv." Her voice is toneless. The voice on other line is Nick. Yet, a voice that should sound comforting and safe to the detective is barely recognized. She knows it's Nick, but nothing appears to be registering.

"Are you ok are you hurt-Liv? .. Wh-where's Lewis?" Nick's questions bombards Olivia. She manages to cut him off by helping him locate where she is exactly. She doesn't know how long she's been sitting on the floor next to Lewis's beaten body. Her gun is glued to her hands. The bloody post is lying on Lewis's laps. He's no longer handcuffed. She can't remember when she slipped into an almost catatonic state. The fact that she's free and Lewis is seemingly dead puzzles Liv. She hears Nick asks if she's ok. Liv looks towards Lewis's way and in a brittle voice, she answers her partner.

"I'm good," she answers coldly, "but he isn't."

"Last session, we were talking about the rape kit." Lindstrom's question brings Liv out of her trip down memory lane.

Focusing on Lindstrom, Liv pretends to be attentive. He buys it this time. "Right. Right. The kit uh?" She scans his face to remember the question he asked only seconds ago. She doesn't remember.

"You told me that you still wasn't sure if he..."

"I remember what we talked about but I..." She snaps back into the present. Lewis did not rape me and that's a constellation she'll always be grateful for... Unlike his other victims. "What happened to me was awful. It was but..." Liv pauses as her mind strays back to that beach house.

Hanging up the house phone, Liv wonders, 'what happened here'. She tries to remember the past hours or days. The last thing she remembers is Lewis tugging at her pants and unbuckling her belt. 'Did he rape me'

Liv blinks her eyes back to reality. "But it's over now, right?" She says as she feels Lindstrom's eyes on her... She can't let him see that she's spacing out. Not now.

"Is it?" Lindstrom asks. "Last session we talked about the fear he instilled in you and-"

"Yea. I know. I mean I know that he's locked up and that he can't get to me but I feel very angry... If I hadn't let my guard down, if someone had put him away.. Then he wouldn't have raped Alice Parker. Or raped Mrs. Mayer or..." She pauses.

"Or you?" Lindstrom finishes her statement, hoping that she will finally say the words out loud.

"That wasn't rape." Liv voice is firm and certain. "That was an assault. An ugly, violent one but..." She nods her head. Her only victory that comes out of her captivity is that she wasn't rape.

He believes Olivia. She wasn't raped. Yet? He is taken back by her continuous habit of minimizing her ordeal. Her lioness disposition is covering her fragile demeanor. Lindstrom knows that masking pain never works. "But they had it worse.. You can take care of yourself? You're fine?" His questions are suspicious to Liv.

"Are you saying that I'm not?" Liv says in a defensive tone.

"Olivia I'm suggesting that you've undergone a traumatic experience and that even you are not a superwoman." He concludes.

Liv seems to accept his suggestion. She knows that he will now try and get her to talk about the ordeal some more. She doesn't want that right now. She wants to forget. She wants to change the subject.

"We went there today." She lies. Truth is, since the last time she and Brian were in her old apartment was the last time. She never told Lindstrom she went back there. She figures that this is the perfect time. Talking about the apartment meant talking about moving on and moving in with Brian. Brighter topics.

"How was it?" He asks.

"Not good. That place? It was so dark there and I realized that I haven't..." She takes a moment to find the right word. "Thrive there..."

"We can talk more about that if you like.."

"In our next session?" She chuckles, she's tired of this. She wants her life back. "Or not.."

Liv explains how she's ready to return back to work. Lindstrom wonders if that's a good idea. Lewis is not taking her job, her life, away. She will never allow him to take that part of herself.

"What I'm afraid of?" Liv weighs in. "Is walking back to my squad room and having everybody look at me and wonder if I'm ok.."

"Are you?" Lindstrom asks just to be sure, once more. He waits for her answer while studying her perfect posture.

"I probably never will be. But?" She takes a deep breath. "I'll never stop working on.. On me."

Lindstrom's surprising smile tells both he and Liv that she's ready...

To Be Continued...