I Can't Win - The Strokes

Shepard strolled into the cockpit, her head held high with a wide smile on her face. Tali's plan was brilliant, and Shepard was looking forward to executing it.

"Joker."

"Commander. To what do I owe you the pleasure?"

"I've brought you a coffee," she said, gently placing the mug on the arm of his chair, "And a new course."

"Bringing me coffee? Must be sucking up. Where to, Commander?"

"Set course for Palaven, city of Cipritine, we'll be dropping off Garrus, Tali, and anyone else who wants shore leave or to pick up supplies there. Anyone not going on shore leave is coming with you and I to Alchera, the Alliance asked me to place a monument at the Normandy crash site. We'll then head to Aratoht - Hackett is requesting I go in solo to rescue a Dr. Kenson - before returning to Palaven to pick everyone up and get back to work."

Joker turned his chair to face her. "Well this explains the coffee. Everyone gets to go on shore leave for at least two days while I ferry you around for little personal missions?"

"Exactly."

"Why exactly did you choose Palaven? Can't be the weather with the sun that burns your skin off and all, and you know how fun the turians are to hang out with."

Shepard made an expression of being mockingly offended at his comment. "Cipritine is a great place to resupply! Besides, Tali had me organize a meeting with one of their Admirals so they can negotiate a beneficial exchange of parts with the quarians."

"Whatever you say, Commander, but you owe me."

"Coffee wasn't enough?"

"Hell no."

"Dinner next time we go somewhere civilized with levo food?"

"Only if it involves steak. For the record, I'm only accepting so I have a good excuse to get away from EDI."

"Did I ever tell you about my wife?"

Garrus leapt away from his computer, dove underneath his cot to pull out his pistol and scanned the room, before finally noticing the shadow of the drell in the corner, prompting him to lower his weapon.

"Spirits, Thane, do you always sneak up on people like that?"

"It's my profession."

"How did you even get in without using the door?"

"The vents." His tone was incredibly matter-of-fact.

"You could have knocked," he grumbled as he stowed his pistol back under his bed. "Also, you haven't told me about your wife, because we haven't really spoken one-on-one."

"I'll have to rectify that fact." Garrus noticed that the drell's voice remained consistent and steady, never heavily betraying his emotion. "I would like to tell you the story of my wife."

Garrus let out an exasperated sigh and resigned to taking a seat on his cot. "Go ahead."

"I can sense your inner turmoil, Garrus, and I hope this story will help guide you. As you may know, I grew up on Kahje, the hanar homeworld. The hanar took in many drell when we suffered from overpopulation on our own planet, and as a result, we created the Compact. It is our reconciliation for the hanar saving our people. As part of the Compact, I was chosen for training as an assassin at a very young age. It was an honour.

"My spirit was asleep for the assassinations that had been performed by my body throughout my lifetime. Many years ago, when I was making an assassination on a man, a woman saw my laser sight. Although most would have ignored it, she stepped in front of the man. She woke my spirit from its slumber and showed me the value of life.

"Her body has passed now, but what she taught me will always be with my spirit. You cannot so easily pass judgment on who deserves life and who deserves death. As difficult as it may be to accept, we often require guidance on the judgment. Be grateful for those who are willing to help guide you, for those with the patience to help us wicked ones come infrequently into our lives."

Garrus remained silent, Thane's words heavy on his heart. He doubted that the drell coming to him at his most difficult time was a coincidence, and he momentarily pondered on his words.

"Thane, how-"

But when he looked around him, Thane was gone.

"Shepard, what can I do for you?"

"Do you have a minute?"

"Can it wait, I'm -"

"No, it can't wait. And for the record, I know you're not calibrating, I saw you close a vid on your omni-tool the second I came in."

"You caught me taking a break, good job. Now, what do you need?"

"Ouch, Garrus. If you're going to have that much attitude, maybe I should tell Joker to alter course away from Palaven."

"You're talking to me about attitude when..." His expression quickly changed from one of frustration to one of shock, his eyes and mouth widening. "Wait, did you say we're going to Palaven?"

"Yes, soldier." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Optional minimum 48 hour shore leave there. Cipritine is a great place to resupply, and Tali is meeting with one of the Admirals to discuss a turian-quarian trade agreement. Joker and I - and anyone else who doesn't want to go down to Palaven - will be staying with the Normandy while I complete a couple of solo missions."

He took a step forward and grabbed her upper arms with his taloned hands, looking deep into her eyes. She noticed that he looked weary, like sleep had been evading him. "Shepard, are you sure about this? I-"

"EDI, what's our estimated time of arrival to Cipritine's port?"

"We're expected to arrive at 1400 hours local time, Commander. It is currently 0900 hours local time."

"Thank you, EDI. By the way, Garrus... I gave Anderson a call, your dad's still on the Citadel."

Garrus continued to hold her arms and stare at her, his mandibles flickering into a wide smile. "Shepard - Zoey - you have no idea how much this means to me."

She shrugged noncommittally. "I have a rough idea. Wouldn't do it otherwise."

"Zoey, I... I'm a bit lost for words right now. But you need to know how sorry I am for the way I reacted after Sidonis. You're right, Shepard. I could hear the pain in your voice when you were talking about your own experience, I should have listened to you."

"I'll have to tell you that story some time, Garrus. Then you'll see where I'm coming from."

"Why not now? We have five hours before we land."

"Let me grab a snack, I'll be right back."

Garrus watched the door to the battery close and collapsed onto the ground as soon as it did. He felt so many emotions well up inside of him that he didn't know where to start. He was ecstatic that he'd finally be able to see his mother and his sister, help them at home a bit, and give them some funds for his mother's treatment. Curiosity then rose in him - why was Shepard going so above and beyond for him?

Was it possible she cared about him the way that he cared about her?

His anger with her after Sidonis had been inexcusable. He was so caught up with his belief that Shepard had betrayed him and his need for revenge that he allowed it to take precedent over everything else. Yet here she was, overthrowing his anger with logic, and he was ignoring it. What a fool he was! Letting his emotions get in the way of being a soldier.

He made an agreement with himself at that moment. When he was back from Palaven, he would tell Shepard how he felt. No more running, no more hiding.

Life was too short to sit back and ignore the woman of his dreams.

He stood up, brushing off his armour, and took a seat at his cot. Shepard walked in the door with two plates - one with white and yellow eggs and the other with white and green eggs.

"I thought you might be hungry, seeing as EDI says you've barely eaten all week." She shot him a very motherly glare. "Regrettably, Mess Sergeant Gardner's food most likely isn't in the same league as your mom's."

He began to scarf down the food, surprised at how hungry he had been. "Fank you," he managed to mutter through a mouthful of eggs.

"So you want my story, eh? You know it's not a happy one."

He swallowed hard. "I'm listening."

"I mentioned to you back on the SR-1 that I had an older sister. Her name was Jane, and she was perfect. I don't mean that in the hero worshipping younger sister way either: she was the prodigal child in our family, taking all the best features from both of our parents and brains bigger than either of theirs. She was eight years older than me, but she spent the majority of my youth at a school for gifted human children on Earth. Even though we saw each other infrequently, I treasured every moment with her. She was smart, beautiful, funny, and she wanted to become a doctor so she could dedicate her life helping people. She's the one who inspired me to dedicating my life to help people, too.

"When she was sixteen, she started university, majoring in life sciences. Most humans don't start university until they're eighteen, to give you an idea of how above average her intelligence was. When she was nineteen, she started medical school, and by twenty-two, she secured a residency at one of the highest-ranking hospitals on Earth in a city in China by the name of Hong Kong.

"But it became evident early on that my sister was too big for Earth. She was contracted by an Alliance cruiser, the SSV Sydney, to travel and practice medicine on the various human colonies where she was needed. She loved it because she was able to help people and do her duty to humanity. Many soldiers on that ship vied for her attention, but she was dutiful to her work. Work first, family second, love third.

"Two years into her travels, she was stationed on a small human colony by the name of Elysium that was suffering from a bad virus breakout. She had been there for a week when the batarian slavers hit.

"Fate must have been acting upon us that day, because I was stationed in the same system when I heard the news. The captain of my ship allowed me to take a shuttle down to the planet to investigate their distress signal. I landed and jumped in, rallied the troops, and saved many colonists and soldiers." Her head hung low. "In spite of everything, I lost my sister during the attack. She allowed herself to be directly in the foray so she could treat the soldiers and the colonists and lost her life in the process. They gave both Jane and I medals that day, but hers was post-mortem. I saved many innocent lives in that colony, but lost the one innocent life that had meant so much to me." She looked up at Garrus. "I miss her every day. My brother does, too, even though he got even less time with her than I did. I think her death was the first thing that shocked him back into shape after his arrest."

"Your family haven't had it easy, have they?"

She snorted at him and took another bite of her food. "We Shepards are a tough bunch. I just always remind myself that I wouldn't be where I am without the support of my parents and the wisdom of my sister. She inspires me in everything I do.

"But the pain, Garrus, is in how I treated those batarians. I was so filled with rage at finding my sister's corpse that after I saved the colonists, I chased the surviving slavers in my shuttle. I caught up to the ship, boarded, and murdered every single person on that ship. Some of them were just innocent engineers, but I killed every last one of them. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, to prevent them from continuing to wreak havoc on humanity, but wasn't I just as guilty as they?"

"I'm starting to learn, Zoey, that sometimes life isn't as black and white as we want it to be. And grey?" He let out a humourless laugh. "I don't know what to do with grey."

Shepard sighed. "Maybe that's why I've felt so sure of myself since I've started chasing Saren. Maybe that's why I've brought people together with my conviction. For once in my life, I'm fighting a clearly defined evil, and I'm damn happy to be doing it."

She put down her plate, stood, and stretched. "I think that's about enough talking for me, I'm ready to get some exercise in. You coming with?"

"Wouldn't miss it."