Echoes - Pink Floyd
"Come in."
Garrus opened the door tentatively due to his familiarity with Shepard answering it personally. The lighting was dim, and strange but familiar music was playing. He found Shepard lying on her back on the bed, covering her face with her hands.
"I'm losing my touch, Garrus." Her voice was strained.
He briskly walked to the bed, perching on the side to run his talons over her arms. "What do you mean, Shepard?"
Her arms dropped to her sides and she looked into his eyes. "Miranda knows about us, Garrus. Frankly, I don't mind, but its how she found out that bothers me. It was because of the way I jumped in front of you on that derelict Reaper."
Her gaze wandered to the open stars above her bed, a constant and morbid reminder of her death. "You know, I've spent my whole life focusing my all of my energy on my career. Now I've found something that's becoming more important than my career, and it's throwing me off.
"The other truth is, the knowledge that I can't die is really starting to fuck me up. I feel personally responsible for every member of my crew, as any good Commander should, but I'm feeling an even greater need to sacrifice myself for them knowing that I can't die like them. I feel like there's this... barrier created between myself and the rest of the world now. Every death that could have been prevented is starting to affect me personally, knowing that I could have jumped in front of the bullet myself to save them."
"Move over." His request was gentle but firm. Shepard responded by making room for him on the bed, and he crawled in beside her, lying on his side so he could faintly run his talons over her body, goose bumps rising over her skin at his touch. "Zoey, you're feeling guilty about so many things you can't change. The Illusive Man made that decision for you, and you're going to have to adapt to it instead of fighting it. I can imagine that it's not easy watching so many die while you continue to live, but you need to use it to your advantage. There is a time for each of us to join the Spirits, but that doesn't mean that you have to mourn every life lost. We don't know where we go after this life, but it will be to a place without Reapers, Collectors, and geth, and there is no reason for anyone to fear it.
"The unfortunate truth is that people die every day for many reasons and we can't control it. If you let every death weigh on your shoulders you'll have a burden too heavy to ever bear. Protect and cherish those close to you, but remember that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Even your crew, who signed up knowing that they put their lives at risk. But I know that none of us would have it any other way."
She rolled onto her side and allowed her eyes to dart across his face, committing every feature to memory. "Thank you, I needed to hear that. You know, you're making me go soft, Garrus. Do you remember on the SR-1 what a hardass I was at times to the crew? How my only focus was completing the mission?" She tenderly ran her fingers along his undamaged mandible. "It's hard to believe that I only saw you as a soldier and a friend then. You've become much, much more to me."
He leaned in to her so that their foreheads touched and their eyes locked. "Duty can put emotion on the back burner."
"Duty has been forcing me to hide my emotions."
"It's the job of any good soldier to put aside your feelings and focus only on the field."
"We're not in the field right now, Garrus. Why are we still hiding?"
"Hiding is what we know, and it's what we do best. I could spend my time feeling guilty about the men I've killed, but isn't it easier to brush it off and try to forget?"
A vision of Kaidan, donning his Alliance blues with his hair slightly tousled and a sly grin lighting up his handsome features, filled her mind. "We never truly forget."
They were both silent for a long time, Shepard staring at the abyss while Garrus stared at her. When she spoke, her voice broke and it was barely above a whisper. "I have horrible nightmares every night." She pursed her lips and swallowed her pride as she finally admitted what had tortured and plagued her. "They're more like night terrors, they're so vivid and lifelike. It's always Sovereign. Every night it's the same, he kills one of the crew members - from the SR-1 or the SR-2 - and then chases me down, saying that he'll kill everyone that I care about. For a long time, it was Kaidan. I can't get rid of the guilt that comes with my own call causing him to sacrifice his life so that I could save Ashley's, just to have her tell me on Horizon that she doesn't trust me!" Her breath hitched in her throat, and she paused to reign herself in, her voice softer when she continued. "Almost every night now, it's you. Every night when I fall asleep, I have to hold your dead body in my arms. I can't explain what a relief it is for me when I see you for the first time every day. But after Aratoht, I've started to have a second nightmare. 305,000 batarians begging for their lives. Begging for me to spare them. But there's nothing... nothing I can do to save them. I know that they would have died as soon as the Reapers came, but I killed them at my own hand.
"Hackett says... that I'll have to go to Earth and face the music soon. The batarians want blood, and my actions after Elysium don't make things easier." She let out a long sigh. "I want the batarians to know that I would have done the same to 300,000 humans if it meant stopping the Reapers, but I don't know what good it will do."
"You did the right thing," Garrus said firmly. "You had no choice, and you saved millions of lives doing it. The worst that they can do is lock you up, but I know you. You have a fighting spirit, and you'll survive anything that they throw at you, and come out even stronger. If I have to break you out of jail, I'll be happy to do it.
"As for the nightmares, I'll stay with you tonight. When you wake up, you don't have to be scared anymore, because I'll be right here."
"Thank you," she muttered, pulling him in for a hug.
"I have nightmares sometimes too," he whispered into her ear.
"What about?"
"Your dancing. It plagues me, even in my sleep."
She smacked his chest with her open palm and they both laughed.
He didn't admit to her the real nightmares. The ones that replayed his most violent kills on Omega. But it wasn't the images that filled his head that bothered him - not when he finally caught Thralog Mirki'it and dug a whole ounce of red sand into his four eyes, his blood curdling screams echoing through the empty warehouse as his eyes burned through his head and he died slowly; not when he infiltrated the Blood Pack storage room and shot the unarmed Selkeet Shirion in the back of the head, watching his brains splatter all over the terminal before his body crumpled like a child's ragdoll; not when he followed Har Urek out of the airlock on Omega so he could pull the tube supplying oxygen out of the back of his helmet and watch his hands fumble over the back of his helmet while his mouth emitted soundless screams - it was the fact that he enjoyed watching them die. He was remorseless, thirsty for more criminal blood with each drop that was spilled. He took pride in finding more creative ways to kill the men without leaving a trace of his work. When he killed Gus Williams with his own damn smuggled weapons, he laughed. He laughed and laughed for what felt like hours.
It was justice. Yet their agonized faces plagued his sleep every night.
"You alright, Garrus?"
He had become so focused on his memories that he must have been silent for minutes. "A little lost in thought," he admitted.
"About?"
"Part of me curses the Illusive Man for what he did to you, but a bigger part of me thanks him every day. If he didn't bring you back, I would have died as a lost spirit down on Omega. You've awakened the part of me that I've always wanted to be, and now I never have to lose you again."
He leaned in and kissed her passionately, his tongue dancing in her mouth. His need for her was transforming from something raw and physical to something deeply emotional. He didn't just want to tell her that he cared, he wanted to show her.
She pulled away, and an unwilling sigh escaped his lips. "Not now, Garrus. We need to rest for our secret mission tomorrow. If you agree to it, of course."
One of his brow plates rose. "Secret mission, you say?"
Shepard pushed aside her nerves as she asked, "How would you feel about meeting my family?"
Any concerns of hers disappeared when she saw the way his face lit up. "Meet your family? Really? I'd love to! Where will we be going? Who will be there?" His subvocals were betraying his nerves.
She let out a soft laugh. "Don't worry, it's just going to be my parents and my brother. We have a small apartment at an Alliance Base in the Armstrong Nebula and we'll be meeting my parents there, just for a few hours for dinner."
"What will you be introducing me as?"
The question surprised her. "What would you like to be introduced as?"
"Well, Zoey, I'm perfectly content with friend, or teammate. They're your parents, you know better than I how they'll react to you bringing a turian home."
"I think I'd rather introduce you as my boyfriend. My parents are more progressive than you'd think, considering that they're Alliance. Besides, they love me, and they'll accept me regardless of my decisions."
He hugged her again, and when he spoke his hot breath rustled her hair. "I'm so lucky that I get to meet your family."
The two stayed up late into the night talking, and for the first time that night, Garrus slept in Zoey's bed.
"So, be as polite as possible... Offer to assist with dishes... Ask lots of questions... Inquire about local sports..."
Garrus was perched on a chair in front of EDI in Shepard's cabin, whispering to her as he took notes.
"Small tokens of appreciation are common," EDI continued. "Flowers or wine for the mother, beer or other alcoholic beverages for the father and brother."
"I don't know what wine or beer is preferred, but where do you think I-"
Garrus stopped mid-sentence and ran to the bed as he watched Shepard jump up, screaming.
He ran his hands over her back, whispering to her that everything would be ok. His heart ached at the fear etched into her face, and his visor was reading that her vitals were off the charts.
When her breathing slowed, she threw her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug, savouring the feeling of his presence.
"I'm here, it's ok," he whispered into her ear.
"Thank you," she murmured back. "That was a bad one. You and my family, all killed by Sovereign, and there was nothing that I could do. Even if I tried to protect you, it didn't matter."
"It's ok, you're just apprehensive since you'll be seeing the family tomorrow. Do you want to try going back to sleep? You only got about five hours there."
"No," she muttered. "Every time I close my eyes, the images from my dreams are there so vividly that I can't sleep again."
"Can I make you something for breakfast, then?"
She smiled wearily at him. "A tea would be lovely. I'll get changed and we'll run down to the mess."
He watched her make her way to her closet, pull out her usual work out civvies, and enter the bathroom. In his opinion, she looked stunning when she slept: she pulled her hair into a low knot and wore the Cipritine shirt he bought her. When she exited, she turned back into the usual pulled-together Commander.
"I'm hoping that since it's..." She checked her omni-tool. "0445 hours, we'll be alone in the mess. For the record, Garrus, why were you up before me?"
He stood and accompanied her to the elevator. "I couldn't sleep either." But in the back of his mind, he though, I had my own nightmares.
EDI's voice rang through the elevator. "Officer Vakarian was inquiring about common rituals involved with meeting human parents."
"Way to keep a secret, EDI," Garrus grumbled.
"I recommended flowers for your mother and alcoholic beverages for your father."
Garrus placed his hands on his hips. "Now really, EDI, you spoiled the surprise."
"I do not understand the organic interest in surprises."
"Just log us out please, EDI."
Shepard laughed faintly as the elevator doors opened. "She understands surprises, she just likes to watch you squirm, Garrus."
"Why do you say that?"
They rounded the corner into the mess. "Because she was planning a surprise for us the whole time."
"What do you... oh."
Joker was sitting in the mess with a steaming cup of coffee in front of him, chuckling to himself. "Morning you two, sleep well?" His voice was devious. "Although I can't say that I'm surprised. EDI hinted to me a week ago that Garrus was heading up to the captain's quarters at late hours."
"EDI really can't keep a secret, can she?" Garrus muttered to Shepard.
"Sit, have breakfast with me." Joker gestured to the empty seats before him, one of which Shepard occupied while Garrus turned the kettle on and poured Shepard a bowl of cereal. "Benefits of having ship-wide surveillance as your co-pilot. Get to learn all the juicy gossip around the ship. Did you know that Miranda uses an extranet dating service?"
"Oddly enough, I do." Shepard took a sip of the tea Garrus placed in front of her. "But I'm starting to wonder if Garrus and I aren't the only secret couple on the ship."
"What do you mean?"
"Fifty credits says," Garrus slipped into the seat beside Shepard, placing her cereal in front of her, "You and EDI will end up together."
Joker scoffed. "How? She's basically the ship!"
"Life finds a way," Shepard said gently, beaming at Garrus. "Most people say that human-turian relationships are unusual, but here we are."
Joker hoisted himself out of his seat. "Alright love birds, that's about as much as I can take."
"He just wants to get back to EDI," Garrus muttered in Shepard's ear, resulting in a round of giggles from her and a dirty look from Joker.
"So, what are the plans until the evening?" Garrus asked as Shepard stood and refilled her bowl of cereal.
"I need to wash the Kodiak and change the oil," Shepard replied as she returned to her seat next to him. "I'd like to get some exercise in, and I'm also hoping to make the rounds and check on all of the crew members, Legion especially to see how he's settling in."
"When are we expected to land?" Garrus inquired, standing to wash his plate.
"EDI approximated our landing at 1400 hours, and we're meeting my family at 1700 hours. So if you have anything you need to pick up on the ground, this will be a good time. I'm giving everyone shore leave until 2100 hours so we can pick up any supplies before we make our way to the Far Rim to see the flotilla."
"I'm hoping to spend some time catching up on my calibrations today, and Thane, Zaeed, Legion and I are having a small... wager, on who has the best shot with a sniper rifle today in the training area."
Shepard stood to put her own bowl in the sink and whispered into his ear, "Well, we all know who will win that."
"Can't complain about a little extra income."
"Meet in here at 1130 hours for lunch?"
They exchanged a quick kiss before parting ways. "I can't wait."
"Alright gentlemen, the rules are simple: 200 credits for entry, closest shot to the centre of the target wins, winner takes all. Credit chits in the helmet, please."
The three men and the geth placed credit chits inside of Garrus's helmet.
"We do not value credits as organics do."
Garrus slapped the geth on the shoulder. "Legion, if you want to be part of the crew, you need to spend time with the crew."
"We only shoot targets in battle."
"Just shoot the guddamn target or I'll shove you out the airlock," Zaeed grumbled.
"Searching word: guddamn. No results found."
Zaeed rolled his eyes emphatically. "Just shoot!"
Legion raised the rifle, gazed down the scope, and shot to the right of the centre of his target.
"You have an excellent shot," Thane commented, raising his rifle to take his own shot, which was slightly closer to the centre. "But mine appears to be better."
"Don't get an ego yet, Thane," Zaeed piped in, raising his own rifle. "The big boys haven't come out to play yet." While Zaeed was lining up his shot, Garrus gently bumped the butt of his rifle, resulting in a shot far from the centre of the target.
"Foul play!" Zaeed lowered his rifle and stood before Garrus, his shoulders rounded, while Garrus and Thane chuckled. "I vote to have you taken out of the competition!"
"Have a sense of humour, man," Garrus said, lining up his own shot. "You know you'll lose anyways."
His aim was true, and landed directly in the centre of the target.
"I demand a rematch!" Zaeed shouted. "We're all using the turian's rifle."
"I accept," Garrus countered.
The four shot again, with Thane taking a close second but Garrus once again hitting the precise centre of the target.
"There's something fishy here," Zaeed growled.
"You just can't accept that I have a better shot than you," Garrus countered.
"Double or nothing! We'll use the geth's rifle this time."
"I accept," Thane said.
"We also accept," Legion added.
Once again Garrus prevailed, but Legion was the one with the second best shot this time.
"Bloody hell!" Zaeed shouted, throwing his arms up in frustration. "This is guddamn crap. I'm going to make a drink." As he was leaving, Garrus swore that he heard him mutter 'guddamn robot' and 'bloody bird dinosaur'.
"It's the middle of the morning," Thane muttered.
Legion made his exit as well. "We are going to perform recalibrations on our long distance sensors so that we can match the turian."
Thane and Garrus remained, analyzing the target. "Excellent shooting, Garrus."
"Thank you, Thane."
"I see that you took heed of the story of my wife."
Garrus raised a brow plate at him. "How did you know?"
"I'm an assassin," he responded with a shrug, "I excel at remaining unseen, and I'm not the only one."
Garrus shivered. "I just really hope you haven't seen too much."
"I only see that which must be seen."
That's cryptic, Garrus thought to himself.
"Care to join me for lunch in the mess?" the drell inquired.
"I've already promised the Commander that I would join her for lunch, but you're always welcome to join us."
"That would be enjoyable."
A new friendship was born on the Normandy.