Dinner at the Ponderosa
Adam wasn't sure if the dinner went well or not.
When they arrived at the Ponderosa and Adam pulled the rig up in the yard, Cecile had an attack of nerves and turned to Adam, her face full of anxiety and told him that perhaps he should take her home. So Adam gently cajoled her and said that his family was nervous about meeting her; he had told them such wonderful things about her-how beautiful she was and how brilliant. He was sure that his father was afraid the house wouldn't impress Cecile and that she would take home tales about how tawdry the Ponderosa was compared to the Turpin house. At this Cecile laughed; she knew then that Adam was teasing her, just trying to relax her.
"And Hoss, he's probably afraid that he won't be able to make any charming conversation with you and that you'll think he's just some clumsy buffoon. And as far as Joe goes, why since he's been sparkin' Cindy Mason, he may be worried that you'll fall madly in love with him and what would he do then with two women?"
Cecile smiled and Adam could tell that she had relaxed a bit. So he lifted her down from the rig and just as they were almost on the porch, Ben came out and welcomed Cecile with both hands. Adam was thankful for his father's welcome and felt gratitude toward him. But Adam couldn't forget his father's remarks about Cecile that he had made the night before when Ben had asked Adam how he felt about Cecile. Did he think he was in love with her? Adam said that it was an odd way to phrase the question-did Adam "think" he was in love with her, as if he was self-deluding. So Adam told his father straight out that yes, he did love Cecile. What she felt about him, he wasn't sure yet, but Adam had said, he was happy when he was with Cecile and she seemed happy with him. He cared about her-deeply-waited impatiently to see her again and she filled his waking thoughts. Ben had nodded and then gone back to his pipe. Adam couldn't tell if his father was satisfied with the answer or not.
At the table Cecile had charmed his family. Adam was pleased to see his father relax as well as Cecile and she easily kept up her end of the conversation. The only time she seemed anxious was when Ben asked how she had liked her school back east and how she had liked Europe. Cecile sat silently for a moment and then turned to Adam, almost with a look of desperation. He smiled at her and saw her compose herself. Cecile then said that school was basically school and that she had only been to Germany, not traveled Europe and that most of that was in-Cecile paused for a moment, "…in school."
"Like a finishing school," Joe offered.
"Yes," Cecile said. "It was run by nuns. It was out in the countryside and there really wasn't that much to do except what they directed. We had a specific routine each day. The nuns believed in exercise and fresh air so every morning after breakfast we would have to pack up our sketch pads and our pastels and hike up into the hills and draw the landscape." Cecile's face took on a faraway look. "I didn't bring my sketches back home with me. Or my book."
"Your book?" Ben asked. Adam sat, waiting to intervene if Cecile became upset at any of his family's questions. Adam had asked her a few questions about her schools before but she never wanted to talk about them. He was sure that Cecile was answering only out of politeness to his father.
"I was writing a book on flowers. Other people sketched the mountains and trees but I sketched the flowers-all parts of them. I would spend all the time we had each day on a single bloom trying to see it-to really see it, all the delicate parts of it, the veining, the subtleties of color, to see the depth of the flower, to see into the very soul of the bloom the way God looks into us, into our souls. But with flowers, it's different because flowers have both male parts and female parts, both man and woman inside one being-like a marriage-they have ovaries and as many stamen as there are petals…"
Adam could see that Hoss and Joe were beginning to shift in their chairs, glancing at one another. Ben started to ask more questions but Adam cut into the conversation and began to talk about the petroglyphs and how Cecile had wanted to make rubbings. Perhaps, Adam told her, she might like to sketch the boulders. A drawing showing the massive boulders as they were on the beach would be interesting.
"And the ones that protrude from the water," Cecile added, "they look as if some huge creature is rising up from the depths." Adam smiled at Cecile and she looked at him and gently smiled. Adam said that he would help collect information about their history and if Cecile liked, she could start a book about the boulders and their carvings. He would help with anything she needed.
Hoss added that he had made rubbings once when he was young. "That picnic we took, Pa, 'member, you, me, Adam and Mama Marie? It was afore you were even a thought, Joe," Hoss said. Everyone laughed and Cecile smiled with gentle pleasure. Adam noticed that she seemed to be enjoying herself and sighed in relief. Hoss said he had forgotten all about the rubbings; he had used one of the scorched sticks from their fire and used the cloth napkins in the basket Hop Sing had packed and when they arrived home, Hop Sing had gone on and on about the napkins-half in Chinese and the other half, English, but he had let Hoss keep one-the other napkins would be washed. Hoss wondered if he still had it.
The conversation went on comfortably but when Adam heard the grandfather clock chime four, he excused himself from the table, picked the coffee carafe off the sideboard, and went to Hop Sing who was in the kitchen sitting by the fire and reading a Chinese novel.
"What you want, Mistah Adam?"
"I want dessert. I have to take Miss Cecile home in about a half hour so if it wouldn't be too much trouble…?"
"Okay, Mistah Adam, okay." Hop Sing stood up. "I bring in cake for dessert. Hop Sing make cream cake-very good. Missy Cecile like very much. You see."
"Good," Adam said. "I'll refill the carafe and you bring out the cake." Adam picked up the coffee pot and poured coffee into the carafe. Then, allowing Hop Sing to go first, Adam followed Hop Sing into the other room and was pleased to see Cecile's eyes open wide with delight when she saw the cake. It takes so little to please her. So very little. Adam suddenly realized that Cecile's happiness was paramount to him; he loved her.
"Adam," Cecile asked, "can you stop here for a moment? We're almost to my house."
"If I don't have you home before dark, your father will have my head."
Cecile looked away at the passing trees but turned back to Adam. "Please, Adam. Just for a moment."
"All right," Adam said and pulled up the horse. "Is this place to your liking?" He smiled at her.
Cecile blushed. "Yes, this is fine." Adam sat and waited while Cecile seemed to be gathering her courage then she turned to him and quietly asked, "Do you think you could kiss me, Adam?"
"I already have," Adam said making light of kissing her fingertips and the arch of her foot but he felt his pulse step up.
"No, Adam. That's not what I mean. Would you kiss me the way a man does when he cares for a woman? That is, if you care for me."
"I care for you, Cecile. Probably more than I should."
"Why do you say that?"
"I think we need to get going," Adam said as he lifted the reins but Cecile put her hand on his arm and he stopped and looked at her. He wanted to kiss her, had imagined kissing her, had pulled out her silk stockings many a time this fortnight and looked at them, run them through his hands and thought of Cecile and of what it would be like to kiss the small hollow at the base of her skull where the tiny curls formed, to run his tongue down the valley of her spine as she lay on her stomach after a night together. But he was afraid to kiss her, afraid of what Cecile might feel-what he might feel and what it might lead to.
"Please, Adam."
Adam bent toward her and placed one hand on the back of her head, held it and then he kissed her. Cecile softened, giving up her will to his and Adam knew then that he wanted her completely and had to marry her-he couldn't, wouldn't take her any other way.
"Cecile," he whispered, as he ran his mouth over her cheeks, her hair as her bonnet fell backwards. "Oh, my love. Cecile, will you be mine? Will you marry me, my sweet? Will you?"
"Oh, yes, Adam. Oh, yes." And Cecile put her arms around his neck while Adam pressed her small body to him.
But he had to have Cecile home. "Cecile, I need to get you home. Please, my love. Let's go." Adam turned and grabbed up the reins and snapped them and the horse took off at a quick pace. Adam turned to look at Cecile who had slipped her arm through his as he drove the horse and looked up at him adoringly with her golden eyes. Why does she affect me this way? Adam asked himself. And he couldn't answer; all he knew was that he yearned for her, for her voice and her touch and her soft beauty. "I'll talk to your father," Adam said, "about our marrying."
"No, Adam," Cecile said in a slight panic. "I'll talk to him. Please, let me tell him that I love you, that I want to marry you."
Adam stopped the horse again and turned to her. "All right, all right," Adam said soothingly, caressing her cheek. "You can talk to him first then."
Cecile deeply sighed and turned to face the road ahead of them again and spoke as if Adam weren't there. "Yes, I have to tell him first. He'll be upset, I know he will. But I need to tell him that I love you-he has to believe that. And mother-she'll ask me all sorts of questions…I need to talk to them first."
Adam wished that they could talk to her parents together; he didn't want to leave Cecile to face them alone. If he could have, he would have spirited her away that night and together they would start their life where no one knew them. But Adam chastised himself for being foolish to have such thoughts and to give them any serious consideration and yet, he wanted Cecile all to himself and to cherish and protect her-protect her from exactly what, he didn't know.