A/N: This is just a super silly intermission idea that popped into my head a while ago. Hope you enjoy!
"Ash, what are you doing on the floor?"
"It's so comfortable down here. Have you been down here?"
Shepard crossed her arms. "Can't say I have. Isn't the couch more comfortable?"
"No, no, the floor's where it's at." The Spectre let out an audible groan. "Yeah, I'm staying right here."
Shepard crouched near Ashley's face. She could see that she was extremely pale. "Tell me Ash, what did you get up to last night?"
"Nothing special," she muttered. "Maybe had a drink. Or two. Or ten."
"You must be feeling a bit rough."
"Don't worry, Commander, I'm ready for action when you need me. Maybe just give me 20 minutes warning so I can have a nap."
"Noted, soldier. So, who were you drinking with?"
"It's all a bit blurry right now, Shep."
Zoey cocked her head quizzically. "I think it was James."
"He... could have been there."
"And what did you two get up to?"
"Still blurry Shepard... ugh..."
"Can't remember a thing?"
"Nope."
"That's too bad. Oh well. Have you ever heard a batarian opera? I have the sudden urge to listen to one."
"Can't say I have, Commander."
She spoke to the intercom. "EDI? Can we give Ashley a sample of a batarian opera?"
"Yes, Commander."
There was a brief respite before the sound of a dozen shouting batarians filled the room, leaving Ashley to cover her ears and cry out for the pain to stop.
"Memory coming back at all, Ash?" Shepard asked with a wicked grin on her face as the music ceased.
"You are an evil, evil woman."
"You love me."
"Not right now."
"I'm just... curious... what you two were up to, drinking so heavily late in the evening."
"Alright, we kissed. Maybe. I don't know for sure."
"...And?"
"That's it!"
"EDI, can we play that opera sample again? I don't think-"
"No, EDI, don't!" Ashley sat up from the floor now, swaying on the spot. Her hair was sticking up in every direction and she looked like hell. "You are so fucking nosy, you know that?"
"Come on, that's what friends are for."
Ashley held her face in her hands and groaned again.
"Listen," Shepard said, her voice softer. "I'll bring you a coffee and medi-gel if you let me in on the juicy gossip."
"What are you, twelve?"
"Do you want your damn coffee or not?"
"Whatever makes the room stop spinning."
As soon as Shepard left, Ashley collapsed back on the floor. By the time Zoey returned, she was snoring. "Wake up, sleepy head!" Shepard said in a sing-song voice, placing the coffee before Ashley's nose so she could inhale its rich smell. The Spectre jumped up and saluted in her groggy state before realizing that it was just Shepard again.
"Have your medicine." She passed her the painkiller, which Ash downed greedily with at least half of the still black coffee. "Feel better?"
"A little."
"Good. Time for your end of the bargain."
"Wicked Witch of the West," Ashley grumbled under her breath.
"I heard that, and if you don't spill soon lady I'm going to ask Tali to come in here and give us her rendition of her favourite song from Fleet and Flotilla."
"You wouldn't."
"I would."
She promptly finished the rest of her mug of coffee. "Fine. Fine! You win. James and I slept together." She threw her hands in the air in a whoop-de-do fashion. "Are you happy now?"
The most shit-eating grin Ashley had ever seen split across Zoey's face. "You're never going to let me live this down, are you?" Zoey just continued to grin but didn't say a word.
Ashley took a deep breath to steady herself and stood slowly, closing her eyes and swaying on the spot while she waited for the room to stop spinning. When she opened them again, Shepard's face was only inches from her own, the same grin still present. "Alright, Skipper, that's just a little creepy. I'm gonna go make some eggs now."
It was eerie the way that Shepard continued to grin as she spoke. "Sure you don't want some huevos rancheros?"
"Oh for the love of God. I'm never telling you anything, ever again." She slowly left the room, swaying between the walls in the hallway, stopping near the elevator to grab the wall to prevent herself from falling. When she turned, Shepard was behind her, grinning.
"Ok, this is ridiculous. Don't you have a galaxy to save?"
"We're on our way to 2181 Desponia, six hours left to the trip, I have all the time in the world."
Ashley pushed herself off the wall and stumbled into the mess, pouring herself another cup of coffee. She could feel Shepard standing behind her but she decided it was best to ignore her and began making scrambled eggs. When they were cooked and she turned to head towards the table to eat, she let out a loud scream and nearly dropped her plate when Shepard's shit-eating grin was only inches away from her.
"GO AWAY!" she shouted, jogging to take a seat at the table to force her eggs down as quickly as possible. To her chagrin, Shepard took a seat across from her, that goddamn grin never leaving her face.
"Hey Ash can I get you something... for... fuck." James strolled into the mess, stunned to silence to find Ashley sitting across from the grinning Shepard.
"Just ignore her," Ashley mumbled, her face turning as red as a turnip as she stared at her plate.
"It's fucking creepy."
"I think it's revenge for when I yelled at her on Horizon."
"I'm gonna go... clean my... quarters."
"You do that," Ashley muttered. James slowly backed out of the room, but before he could step on the elevator, he heard Shepard yell, "Because you and Ashley made them so dirty last night?!"
Ashley stood, her face still flushed a deep red, and cleaned her plate off quickly before surprising Shepard by walking towards the main battery. Determined to keep up with her little game, Zoey followed.
Garrus opened the door at the first knock, presented with a haggard Ashley with Zoey beside her, her eyes never leaving Ashley as the grin stayed on her face.
"Good morning, Ashley," Garrus said with an unsettling degree of calm.
"Morning Garrus. Mind getting your woman off of me? She's been following me around for half an hour now."
"I don't see what the problem is."
Ashley threw her arms up in defeat. "I give up! I give. I'm on a ship with the best fighters and brightest minds in the galaxy and you're all a bunch of fucking twelve year olds. I had sex. Yes, shocking, I know, me having sex, but it happened! So if you two want to keep being children about it, fine, but next time you have sex don't expect me to follow you around grinning about it." With that she stormed off down the hallway.
"I think I broke her," Shepard muttered to Garrus before both of them keeled over laughing.
When they had recovered, Shepard looked down the hallway to see Javik standing with a plate of his breakfast in his hand, shaking his head in disappointment. "Primitives."