A/N: Good morning, I apologize for my absence Friday but the evil fic writer has returned! Prepare for another sad chapter.
Play Crack the Sky - Brand New
When they stepped through the air lock onto the ship, Garrus's body was back in Shepard's arms. Her lip curled in restrained anger, she called out, "Mandatory meeting for all crew members, every single one, in the Conference Room. Now."
Silence and the gaze of each crew member followed her through the CIC. When she reached the Conference Room she placed Garrus's body gently on the table, closing his eyes and crossing his arms. She found a nearby cloth and wiped the dried blood off of him, so it almost gave him the appearance of sleeping.
As she worked, the crew members slowly filed into the room. It was a small area, so many of the staff were outside of the room while within listening range, and her ground crew crowded inside to be close to his body.
"No man, not Scars, not Scars," she heard Vega whisper to Ashley, whose hand covered her mouth while tears filled her eyes and she was stunned to silence. EDI was embracing Liara, whose eyes had not been dry since Thessia. Tali fainted the moment she saw Garrus's body and Javik caught her; Shepard could see in his crestfallen expression that not even he was immune to the pain of the loss. Joker was in a far corner, leaning against the wall, morose and wordless.
When Shepard counted everyone as present, she stood on the table beside Garrus's body and began to speak. "No more fucking around!" she made eye contact with everyone in her vicinity to express her seriousness before continuing. "Today, Cerberus made it personal. Today, Cerberus made a very big mistake, and that's pissing off the crew of the Normandy. So here's how things are going to be from this point on. We are all on a personal hunt for Kai Leng and his captain, The Illusive Man. Not only did they take a life that's precious to all of us, but they took the information we need to lead us to the Catalyst so we can end this war. So if anyone has a lead that can bring us one step closer to those bastards I will personally recommend you for an Alliance commendation, regardless of if you are Alliance or not, as well as a sizeable bonus. Who's with me?"
A loud "hoo-yah" resonated through the crowd.
"One more matter to address before we get our asses to work." Shepard swallowed hard, masking her emotion in front of the crew. "If she accepts, I would like to appoint Tali as the Normandy's executive officer. Any information that you are able to collect must be directed to her for the moment. Joker, set a course for the Citadel." She jumped down from the table. "Alright people, we have jobs to do, let's get to them."
The crew filed out of the Conference Room, failing to hide their hushed whispers of surprise, until only Tali and Shepard remained.
Tali whispered, "Shepard, are you-"
Zoey held up her hand to silence her. "Do you accept your XO position?"
Tali swallowed, letting her mind run momentarily. Although it would be a great honour to take the position, Garrus's shoes were very difficult to fill. Furthermore, the Alliance would not be impressed to see a quarian as an XO when there are higher-ranking human officers on the ship. But if Shepard needed her to do it, she would take the position graciously. "As long as you're absolutely sure it's what you want."
"Trust me, Tali; it's either you or no one."
"Then I accept."
"Good. I need you to do a few things for me then."
In the human fashion, Tali laced her fingers behind her back with her feet hip-width apart and listened.
"First, get in touch with Solana Vakarian, since you met her on Palaven last year. We need to find out where she is so we can send her Garrus's body."
"But-"
Shepard held her hand up again to silence her. "Although as my XO it is suitable for you to question my decisions, right now, save the questions for later. Secondly, I need you to check up on the crew. The loss of a team member can be hard on some, we need to make sure everyone's in peak mental condition."
"But-"
This time, Shepard silenced her with a glare. "Thirdly, during your rounds, see if anyone has any luck with any information regarding the whereabouts of Leng or The Illusive Man. Fourthly, get together a few of the crew members - perhaps James and Cortez - and find a suitable place to keep Garrus's body until we arrive at the Citadel. When you've finished all of these things, come up to my quarters to see me. I'll be arranging with EDI to give you full access. Am I clear?"
"But, Shepard -"
Now Shepard was beginning to shake, her teeth and fists clenched and she spoke so quickly it was almost one long word. "Tali-I-will-address-your-concerns-later-now-do-as-I-say! Dismissed." She spun and curtly exited the room with her hands laced behind her back.
As soon as Shepard reached her cabin, the exhausting weight on her shoulders became too heavy of a burden and she collapsed into heavy sobs.
He's gone. He's really gone. I'll never wake up next to him again, I'll never hear him shout "scoped and dropped" again, I'll never hear him talk about calibrations again, I'll never feel his talons against my skin again, I'll never hear him say "I love you" again.
She threw her gloves off and curled her hands into fists. She began to beat the floor with her bare hands while emitting agonized wails until her hands were beaten to a bloody pulp, and she began to scream again at the injustice while she watched them regenerate.
Why did they do this? Why did Cerberus do this? For the amusement of watching me suffer endlessly while they take away those I love the most?
Kai Leng's sneer popped into her head, and an unchained anger filled her every fiber. She stood and grabbed the nearest object in her reach - the quarian model ship that she and Garrus had picked up together on the last trip to the Citadel - and threw it across the room, watching as it shattered against the wall before the pieces scattered and rolled innocuously across the floor.
As she scanned the room with vision blurred through tears, she realized that every damn thing reminded her of Garrus. On her desk was the framed photograph of them together at their engagement party, his arm thrown lazily across her shoulder with his eyes closed and his mouth wide with laughter while she gazed up at him reverently, her face positively beaming. Beside that was the Assault Rifle Piercing Mod he had been working on upgrading before they landed on Thessia. At the sight of it, she threw the mod at her closet door and it exploded in a shower of sparks. Beneath her desk she spotted her fridge containing the few alcoholic beverages she enjoyed - white wine, vodka, crème de menthe, gin if she was feeling rowdy - and she removed the vodka, unscrewing the cap and forgoing the glass to swig straight from the bottle, a shiver racking her body as the liquor burned harshly down her throat.
Her rampage through her room continued, EDI clearly choosing to give her privacy to cope. Her chess pieces she threw individually at the long empty fish tank, the chess board itself thrown at another wall to shatter; her wine glasses were thrown into the bathroom; their shared bottle of cleaning solution for their armour was thrown onto the floor so she could compress it until it broke under the weight of her boot; a nearby lamp was thrown into her coffee table with all of her weight, cracking the table and breaking the lamp in half; the end table for their shared bed was thrown at the door so hard that one of the legs became jammed, and the door proceeded to attempt to open and close repeatedly, emitting whining electrical noises in its failure. The bottle in her hand became emptier and emptier, her vision blurring from its effects as well as her tears.
Oh, Garrus. What would you think of me now?
You'd love me unconditionally. As you always do.
As you always did.
"Shepard? Shepard!"
Stepping over the chair leg in the malfunctioning door, Tali became convinced that a varren had entered Shepard's quarters. The place had been turned upside down and the commander was sprawled across the couch, an empty bottle at the floor near her hand. Shepard hiccuped and muttered something indistinguishable to herself.
"Are you drunk, you bosh'tet?"
"Shh. Don't tell Hackett. I might get in trouble." Shepard flapped her hand at Tali listlessly.
Her own stress overpowering, Tali slapped Shepard across the face.
"Stand down!" Shepard roared, standing quickly to tower over the small quarian.
"You listen to me, Shepard. This hurts, more than anything in the galaxy. Trust me, I know. But you need to pull yourself together, getting drunk and breaking your things fixes nothing."
In one fell swoop the anger drained from Shepard's face to be replaced by overwhelming sorrow as her shoulders drooped. Her voice monotone, she muttered, "You're right. Just..." She began to shake. "How do you do this? How do you face the horrible reality every day that you'll never see him again?"
Tali was grateful for her mask, for it allowed her to cover her own emotions and project the confidence that Shepard needed to hear. "He'll always be with you, Shepard. Right here." She poked her chest with her forefinger. "You'll miss the sound of his voice, you'll miss the feel of his hands, but he's never gone until he's forgotten."
"I never got to say goodbye," she whispered, collapsing back onto the couch and covering her face with her hands.
"Neither did I."
"I never got to say that I loved him one last time. He was just...gone, slipped between my fingers, like a puff of smoke."
"If you had said goodbye, or I love you, would it have made this any easier?"
"No, I suppose it wouldn't have."
"You're still surrounded by people who love you and care about you. We're all missing him very much right now, but everyone is still so worried about you. They're going to do everything they can to make you happier. Focus your happy thoughts on your friends and family, and focus your angry or sad thoughts towards revenge on Cerberus and the Reapers."
Shepard let out a long, harsh sigh. "What's the report?"
"Traynor caught a comm signal, leading to a facility by the name of Sanctuary on Horizon."
"Good. We'll go there after the Citadel. Any luck with Solana?"
"Today must be our lucky day, because I did reach her. She's in one of the refugee camps on the Citadel."
"Did you tell her?" Her voice was agonized at the thought of telling Garrus's sister what happened.
"We spoke over vid comm and I explained everything. She's broken hearted, but she hides it well. She'll meet you tomorrow morning in the Presidium Cafe to discuss further arrangements." Tali's attention wavered around the destroyed quarters, and she privately decided to assign one of the Privates to clean Shepard's quarters while she was on the Citadel.
Shepard stood to rifle through her fridge, returning with a bottle for herself and a bottle for Tali. "Damn regenerative cells clear my head in an hour if I'm blind drunk. You keep this, I won't need it anymore." With her glasses shattered across the room, they toasted and drank straight out of the bottles.
"You ready to talk about this, Shepard?"
She snorted perfunctorily. "Will I ever be?"
"I-I suppose not. For what it's worth, no one should suffer through what we've suffered through."
"I just, I-" she gritted her teeth to fight back the wave of tears. "Is Cerberus trying to torture me on purpose? Make me live forever, and then kill off everyone I love? Is it their idea of a sick joke? Or is it a new way of war that no one gave me the memo on?"
"Whatever it is, we have to hit them where it hurts. They're waging war on peace right now."
"Hit them where it hurts," Shepard echoed. "I'll do that, no doubt. When I find them - Leng and The Illusive Man - they won't die quickly, or peacefully."
"That's what they deserve."
The women drank in relative silence, their thoughts entirely on the men they loved and lost. After an hour, Shepard finally suggested going to bed, and Tali stood to leave.
"Wait," Shepard muttered, her blood rushing to her cheeks. "I... this...it's ridiculous but..." She sighed. "I haven't slept alone in a month, and this isn't the best night to begin. Do you mind... staying?"
Her mask covered her warm smile. "Of course, Shepard."
An hour into the darkness of the night, Tali was woken by Shepard's blood curdling screams. She ran to her bed to hold Shepard's sweat-soaked body, the whites of her eyes glowing eerily in the dark.
"No no no no no no," Shepard whispered, her finger tips digging into Tali's shoulders. "Please, let him be alive, let it be a nightmare, please, PLEASE!"
Unable to utter the words of truth, she whispered comforting lies into her ears to calm her hysteria. But she knew, deep in her heart, that just like her own future Shepard's would only be filled with pain. Her walls fell and her own emotions finally surfaced; she began to weep herself, and soon the women were finding the smallest amount of comfort in each other's friendship.
After relentless hours of pain, together they fell into restless, nightmare-ridden sleep, their only solace being each other's presence.