Pillars of Salt - Murder by Death

When the light of your life is burnt out, it takes all other lights with it.

Shepard had been to the Citadel more times than she could count, but if she had to make an estimate, it would be well into the fifties. She had first come with her parents when she was three, but she had been hit in the head too many times during her years as a soldier to remember a damn thing about it. One of the last times she had been on the massive station was for her engagement party, and that day was a reminder of the beauty and wonder contained within the centre of the galaxy.

But today, as she sat at the Presidium Cafe observing the stillness of the lake, she couldn't remember being in a place so ugly. All the light and colour had been removed and replaced with dullness. No longer did she see the fish jumping up from the water, nor the blissfully ignorant citizens who were laughing as they made their way to work or to the bar. Today she only saw the damage from the Cerberus coup, the concerned faces of those missing loved ones, the crying orphaned children.

She needed to get this meeting with Solana done and over with so she could go back to the ship and to Horizon. An errant thought to go to her apartment passed through her head, but she pushed it away as quickly as it came: she refused to go to the place filled with so many good memories. Just the thought of it made her sick, and she took a swig of her coffee to wash down the bile in her throat.

"Commander Shepard." The velvety voice was instantly recognizable, even though its owner was cloaked. "Tali said that I may find you here."

"Kasumi."

"I heard a horrible rumour that she and I are not the only members of the Normandy's lonely hearts club anymore."

"On occasion, these rumours can be true."

"Well I'm sorry to hear that, Shep. You know if you need someone to talk to - if you need anything at all -"

"I'd appreciate if you decloaked so I don't look like a mad woman."

The thief appeared before her, clad in her usual garb but with an unusually morose expression on her face. "Thank you," Shepard said. "I do have a question for you."

"Go on."

"How do you do it? You've watched two of your lovers have their lives taken now. How do you get out of bed in the morning?"

"With a healthy dose of caffeine and reality," she responded with a sly smile. "It's hard. With Thane being sick I always knew it would be hard. But when you care about a person you don't care about how much time you have left with them, you only care about treasuring the little time you do have. And that's just what we did. Although all I have left is memories, I still consult both Keiji and Thane in my head before I make any decisions. It's my little dead Council in my head."

"Although morbid, that's surprisingly insightful."

She shrugged. "Death sucks, but you aren't truly living a life if you allow it to take you over. You've lost a lot since I've known you, Shep, but you still have the most important thing - your will for revenge. You gotta get out there and knock those bastards down for what they did to you."

"Want to come back to the ship with me? Help me take those bastards down?"

"If I weren't remotely robbing the volus ambassador as we speak I'd love to, but thievery calls."

The corners of Shepard's mouth rose, but the lack of kindness in her smile was clear. "Thievery always wins."

"Sorry Shep. Anyways, your visitor is-" she glanced at her omni-tool, "-stepping off the elevator as we speak. Keep in touch." She activated her cloak and slinked off to God-knows-where, although it was doubtless somewhere with trouble.

Kasumi's time estimate was correct, and as the asari bartender topped up her coffee with a sad smile, Solana walked around the corner.

Every muscle in Shepard's body constricted painfully at the sight of her. She carried so many of Garrus's features: the colour of their plates was the same, their markings were the same, they were around the same height, and even her damn armour was the same colour. The familiarity was unnerving beyond belief and it sent her into an inner turmoil where she simultaneously wanted to run, hide, vomit, cry, and hug her all at once. As she watched her approach, using all her willpower to force herself to remain calmly seated, she saw that she even walked like Garrus, that confident walk where she held her head high and scanned the room subtly for any dangers lurking in unfamiliar corners. Instead of acknowledging Shepard's presence with a wave she made eye contact and approached her. Once Solana's eyes found Shepard's they never left them, even when she hailed the waitress to order her own coffee.

"Commander Shepard." They shook hands, and Solana's grip was firm to the point of becoming uncomfortable.

"Officer Vakarian."

"Drop the shit and call me Solana. We would have been family under better circumstances."

"Call me Zoey, then. Cerberus never was a fan of good circumstances."

Solana's drink arrived, and although she added nothing to it she stirred it broodingly. "Awfully noble of you to bring Garrus's body back to his family."

"He should be brought to peace with his people." She didn't want to admit that it wasn't the first time she'd had to make arrangements for a crew member's body to be brought back to their people.

Solana continued vigorously stirring the drink, and Shepard could read her discontent in her subtly changing features. "You're more of his people than we've ever been. But I think he would've liked being buried next to his mom, which we'll be arranging once Palaven is clear."

"Good to hear. When you're ready to take him home, I've left everything with a mercenary at Bay D24."

Solana's eyes narrowed. "How can I trust this guy?"

She's as sharp as her brother. "He's one of my men, a friend of both me and Garrus."

Although her posture slightly relaxed, she looked far from appeased. "What's his name, so I can ask for him?"

"Massani."

She saw the flash of familiarity cross Solana's eyes. "Noted. Now let's get down to business, Commander. Mind telling me what the hell happened that ended up with my brother dead? The whole story, if you will."

Shepard omitted little. She explained everything from her resurrection and immortality through her connections with Cerberus, to her subsequent severance of her ties with the group, to meeting with Garrus on Menae, to their continuous battles with Cerberus and finally the temple at Thessia. Solana listened with a rapt attentiveness, remaining expressionless but stirring her coffee with such vigor that it splashed over the edges of her mug when Shepard reached Thessia.

"Shot down like a varren in the street," Solana whispered.

"I'll get revenge for your brother, Solana. I promise you that."

Her mandibles tightened to her face. "I trust you will, Shepard."

Sensing that their encounter was nearing an end, Shepard asked, "One question before you go?"

"Yeah?"

"Why isn't your father here? I thought he may want some answers, too."

Solana snorted maliciously. "We may be refugees, but that doesn't mean the tabloids don't reach us." When Shepard's eyes narrowed but she did not respond, Solana elaborated. "The Vakarian name still holds a lot of power. So how do you think it looks to my dad to see vids playing all over the Citadel of you two dancing together on the Silversun Strip before you wrap your leg around his hip like some harlot? Pretty fucking bad. You humans may be fans of interspecies trysts, but the turian hierarchy is not. Garrus is an embarrassment to the Vakarian name right now, and frankly, my dad doesn't give a pyjak's ass where he's buried. You're lucky that I do." Her coffee still untouched, she threw a credit chit on the table. "Good luck with taking down Cerberus and the Reapers, Commander."

After the younger Vakarian exited, Shepard sat alone at the cafe for an hour, watching her coffee grow cold.

"Absolutely not."

"Listen, Skipper, it's not healthy-"

"I said no."

"Come on, Shep, it's not just for you, it's for-"

"No."

"Stop hiding your goddamn-"

"Putain, Ashley! I've heard enough, it's not happening!"

Hearing Shepard bust out the French, James knew Ashley was in trouble and it was his time to step in. Acting as casually as possible he opened the door to Ashley's usual hangout, the Starboard Observation Deck, and sauntered in.

"Hey Lola, Ash. What's up?"

"The Commander is being completely unreasonable!"

"You're disobeying a direct order of NO," Shepard snapped.

"Ladies, ladies. What's the problem?"

"I suggested to Shepard-"

"You planned it without consulting me!"

"Will you just stop for one second?" Ashley growled. "I get it. This fucking sucks. But news flash, your coping mechanisms aren't working and it sucks for the rest of us too so it's about damn time we did something about it!"

Feigning ignorance, James asked, "What did you plan, Ash?"

"A memorial service for Garrus. Nothing extravagant, just a chance for all the crew members to get together, maybe say a few words, and put his name up on the memorial wall."

"First off, James, stop playing this 'I have no idea what's going on' facade when you clearly planned this together. Secondly, I'm opposed to this because we haven't done a memorial service for any of our other fallen crew members so it would do a disservice to them. Thirdly, I know Garrus better than any of you and he would hate the pomp and circumstance."

"For fuck's sakes Shepard we just want to say a few words and put his name on the wall, it's not a funeral!"

"First it's just a few words, then it's just some music, then it's a few flowers, and then it's everyone crying and it's a goddamn funeral."

"Because God forbid you show a little emotion in lieu of this situation in front of the crew!"

"Fine!" Shepard threw her arms up in defeat. "Fine. You win. Have your memorial service. Not like I'm in control of my ship anymore."

She stormed out of the room, pausing in front of the memorial wall to study the host of names.

The last thing she wanted to do was admit to Ashley was that she was scared - terrified, in fact - of putting Garrus's name up there.

It would make it all too real.