Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of that good jazz. Umm I also didn't spend a lot of time editing this so I apologize in advance for any errors you might come across while reading this.
Spencer's POV
"Ok, what's wrong?" Jessica asks me as we take a seat at a table in the food court at the mall.
Every since I left Ashley's house, I've been feeling like shit. I know I shouldn't be pushing her to get out of that shall she's in. I don't know why I did it.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired." I lie.
"Did something happen with you and Ashley?" She asks seeing right through me.
"We got into an argument… I wouldn't even call it that. It's like one minute everything is perfect between us. Then the next minute… I'm praying that there still is a us." I tell her taking a sip of my drink I got when we first walked in.
"If it's worrying you that bad why didn't you stay and try to talk to her? I would have understood."
"I tired. She kicked me out." I say sitting back in my chair.
"Are you for real? Damn. What did you do to her?"
"Why do you assume it was me that did something wrong?"
"Because you're always doing something to fuck up your relationships when you think someone is getting to close." Jessica says like what she said is a fact. Maybe it is.
"That's not true. Ashley's the one pushing me away."
"Why? Is because you tried asking her about why she doesn't talk?"
"Yeah, something like that." I say then take the last sip off my drink. "I don't know… I really, really like her and I know I'm not so good with the whole relationship thing but with Ashley it's like…" I pause and try to gather my thoughts. "With Ashley it's easy. I feel like I can tell her anything, be anything and she'll accept that. She'll still want me even with all the shit that comes with me. But it's like she's waiting on me to run away… to hurt her. At least that's why I think she didn't want to talk to me earlier."
"OH. MY. GOD." I hear Jessica whisper and I look up at her. She's grinning at me like an idiot. "You're in love with Ashley. Aren't you?" I don't say anything I just smile at her, showing her it's true. I don't say the words because I want Ashley to be the first one to hear it from my mouth.
"I'm ready to go home." I say grabbing her hand and pulling her out of her seat.
"No. Your going over to Ashley's to fix things." She tells me as we walk outside to her Moms car. "Spencer Carlin is in love. That's a first." And this time she is stating a fact. I've had a few short lived girlfriends but I've never been in love with any of them. Most of those relationships were about sex. We never really did too much of anything else.
Most of those relationships were about sex, we never really did too much of anything else. Ashley and I haven't even had sex yet and I'm in love with her.
Ashley's POV
I'm sitting on the back porch waiting on Spencer to come over. I know she's at home because I saw her get out of the car with Jessica earlier. They went into her house. I've been out here since 9pm and it's 9:15 now, I'm starting to think I went too far and she's not going to show up to are late night back porch tradition. If she does I don'…
I'm brought out of my thoughts when I hear a door shut. I look over into Spencer's back yard and see her making her away over to me. I stand up preparing to apologize. She gets over the fence and I walk up to her.
"I'm sorry, I know I overreacted and th…" She cuts me off by pressing her lips to mine. Before I can kiss her back she pulls away and hands me a single white rose.
"I love you." She says kissing me again. I don't even know if I'm kissing back I'm still in shock over what she just said. When we break apart I have a single tear running down my face. We lock eyes and a lean back in and kiss her again.
"I love you too." I say against her lips. We kiss again then she leads me onto the porch. She sits down on the couch that we have off to the side on the porch. I sit beside her and cuddle up next to her, resting my head on her chest. "I'm sorry I ignored you earlier." I tell her looking up.
"It's ok. I'm sorry for acting like an ass." She says then gives me a peck on the lips. "Can I ask you something?" She asks quietly. I take my head off her chest and sit up.
"Yeah." I say looking in her eyes for a clue as to what her question can be about.
"Why did you try to push me away?" She asks taking one of my hands into hers. I sigh and look at our hands then back at her, trying to decide should I tell her everything that I was feeling. That I still am feeling a little.
"I was scared." I say deciding to get it all out.
"Of what?"
"I was,.. I am scared of the way I feel about you." I say being honest. "I've only loved one person before and she broke my heart. And wit…" I start to say when she cuts me off grabbing my other hand.
"I'm not that girl." She tells me kissing the back off my left hand.
"I know. And that's the thing, somehow I know you want hurt me and that's scares me." She opens her mouth to say something but I give her a look that tells her to let me finish. "It scares me because I trust you and I love you so much and I'm afraid that I'll hurt you," I stop take and deep breath before I continue, "I'll hurt you because I'm too broken to be everything you need me to be. What if it takes me forever to break free of what happen to me or what if I don't? What happens when you want to make love and I can't because the last time someone touched me in that way they hurt me?" I take one of my hands from hers to wipe at the tears on my cheek. "And I don't want you to start to feel like I don't want you, because words can't even describe how much I want you. I don't want you wasting your time on someone who can't give you all that you deserve." I finish saying looking down at our hands. She brings my face back up to look at her.
"First thing, you're not going to hurt me because you said yourself you love me and I trust you completely with my heart. You are everything I need," She says caressing my check with one of her hands while the she holds on tight to the other. "Second you will get past what happened to you, and I'll be there to help you no matter how long it takes. And last… when it comes time for us to have sex… we'll both be ready because you will be able to because it want be just sex, we'll be making love and every time I touch you it will be to heal you. I love you Ashley. I'm not going anywhere."
When she's finishes talking I have a new set of tears. But these are different. There happy tears. I guess two broken people can make a whole.
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Spencer's POV
It's been a month since Ashley and I confessed our love for each other. Since that day we've only become closer. She's really starting to open up. The other day she walked to the corner store with me. Mia and Jessica have been hanging out with us a lot, they really like Ashley. Speaking of them hanging out, they are at Ashley's house right now. I'm on my way up her stairs to meet them right now.
"Hey," I say as I walk into the room kissing Ashley on the cheek and taking a seat next to her.
"Hey, I just got your girlfriend here, to agree to come to Jessica's party tonight." Mia says grinning like crazy. I look over to Ashley and she has this shy smile on her face.
"You want to go to the party?" I asks and she nods her head yes.
"I'm so happy. I promise you'll have fun." Mia says to Ashley as she backs up to the bedroom doorway. "I got to go, but I'll pick you guys up later." She says turning around. I yell bye at her retreating form. I get up and close the bedroom door and lean back against it. Ashley comes and stands in front of me.
"I missed you." She says kissing me. This is the first time we've seen each other today. I've been at school and when Mia brought me home my grandma had a list of stuff for me to do before I could leave the house. So I sent Mia to keep Ashley company for until could leave. Mia has gotten pretty good at understanding Ashley silent gestures.
"Me too," I say pulling out of the kiss. "So are you really alright with going to this party, because you kn…"
"I know I don't have to. I want to." She tells me pulling me over to sit down on her bed. "I mean your friends are great and I think it will be good for me to get out. Plus I'll have you by my side, so everything should be fine, right?" She doesn't let me answer before her lips are back on mine for another make out session that will probably last into we have to break apart to get ready for the party.
Ashley's POV
We've been at the party dancing, laughing and having a good time for about three hours now. I'm surprised I'm not freaking out about how many people are here. I remember when we first walked through the door. I thought I might get sick but the moment I felt Spencer squeeze my hand that thought went away. God I'm so in love with her.
"Spencer!" Some red head girl yells making her way over to us. When she gets to us she pulls Spencer and for a hug and gives her a kiss on the cheek. I don't get mad because it's just a kiss on the cheek and she's not the first girl who has greeted Spencer with a kiss on the cheek. Plus I know Spencer's all mine. Spencer pulls out of the hug and puts her arm around my waist pulling me into her.
"Stacy this is my girlfriend Ashley. Ashley this is Stacy." Spencer introduces us.
"Hi." Stacy says giving me a look over. I smile at her even thought I don't like the way she looked at me.
"She's not a big talker." Spencer tells her. I guess she doesn't want her to think I'm a bitch because I didn't speak. "So are you enjoying the party?" She asks Stacy.
"Yeah, yeah you know Jessica knows how to through a party." She says smiling and lightly touching Spencer's arm. "I actually came over her to ask you, if yo…" Some boy grabs her and whispers something into her ear before she can ask her question. When he's done she turns back to Spencer. "I have to go. See you at school." Then she disappears into the crowd.
"I'm tired. Let's get something to drink and go to Mia's room." Spence says leading me toward the kitchen.
We've been in Mia's room for ten minutes. Spencer's drinking her beer and I'm just lying across Mia's bed.
"So how do you and Stacy know each other?" I ask taking her drink away and pulling her back on the bed with me. She hasn't really been drinking tonight and I want it to stay like that because I don't think I can handle being here without her with me. Sober.
"Um… she's one of my ex girlfriends." She tells me.
"Oh." Is the only thing I say. We haven't really talked that much about our past relationships. All I know is she's been in three committed relationships that didn't last long and had some friends with benefits before. The only relationship of mine she knows about is the one I had with Brooke.
"Yeah… but that was like two years ago and we weren't even serious." She says kissing me. "Our relationship is the first serious relationship I've been in." She cups my cheeks and kisses me. "And I love the relationship we our building." She says pecking me on the lips. "And I love you." She says kissing me again.
"I love you too." I say pulling out of the kiss.
"Do you want to go back to the party or do you want me to get Aiden to take us home." She asks getting up.
"I'm ready to go home if you are." I say grabbing the hand she was offering me.
"Yeah, I am. Let's go home beautiful." She says once again leading us away to find Aiden.
After about 20 minutes we finally find a sober Aiden, the designated driver for tonight. Ten minutes later we're climbing out of his car. He walks us to my door. Spencer tells him we'll be alright and he can leave. We hug him goodbye and watch him walk to his car and drive off. Now it's just me and Spencer holding hands on my porch.
"Sleep over tonight?" I ask pulling her towards my front door. Spencer hasn't spent the night in a couple of weeks now. I miss going to sleep and waking up with her.
"Yeah," She whispers as I open the front door. As soon as I open the door I see my mom talking to someone. When I get closer I see who she's talking to. Brooke.
If I did talk, I'd be speechless right now.
Spencer's POV
Ashley stopped dead in her tracks as soon as we stepped into her house. I looked around to see why and spotted her mom talking to someone, a dark headed girl. She got up and ran toward us and pulled Ashley into a tight hug. Now with her close enough I could see her face and quickly remembered the pictures in Ashley's room. The girl that's hugging my girlfriend is her ex, Brooke.
"You don't know how much I missed you." Brooke says finally letting go of Ashley, who is still not moving. Mrs. Davies walks over to us with two people following. She introduced them to me as Mr. and Mrs. Parker, Brooke's parents. She told them I was Spencer the girl next door and one of Ashley's closes friends. Yeah we're close alright. The whole time introductions were being given Ashley didn't let go of my hand or move. Her face was emotionless, but her eyes never left Brookes; Even when Mrs. Davies starting telling us about how the Parker family came to visit them because Brooke wanted to see how Ashley was doing.
"Aw it's almost 2am. Let's go to the hotel and we can come back tomorrow Brooke." Mr. Parker says looking at his watch. "Plus it looks like Ashley needs to rest after her night out." He says starting for the front door, wife behind him but Brooke doesn't follow.
"Why don't Brooke stay here tonight? We have more than enough room." Mrs. Davies says throwing her arm around Brooks shoulder.
"Um… that's ok Mrs. Davies. Dads right I'll give Ashley time to rest before I ask her a million questions." Brooke says looking down at me and Ashley hands that are locked together. She gives Mrs. Davies a kiss on the cheek then Ashley. Then she goes to the front door, following her parents out after saying she'll be over bright and early in the morning. Ashley still hasn't let go of my hand, but she is looking at the now closed door.
"Ashley, you and Spencer should go get some rest. I know you girls are going to want to talk in the morning." Mrs. Davies says cleaning the dining room table they were sitting at when we came in. Ashley doesn't smile or even show any interest in her mom as she drags me up stairs to her room.
"Ashley?" I say as she lets go of my hand and sits on her bed, putting her head in her hands. She's starting to scare me with how quiet she's being. Even when we're around people she at least smiles or do something to show she's paying attention and what she's feeling. She looks up at me, face still not showing any emotions.
"I'm ok." She says grabbing my hand and pulling me down beside her. "I had fun tonight." She tells me leaning in for a kiss but I pull back but not out of her arms. "What's wrong?" She asks like she doesn't know.
"I'm glad you had fun tonight but we can't just pretend like nothing just happened down stairs." I say and she lets go of me. "And you're not ok. The whole time we were down there you didn't move and…"
"So what? I was in shock. You know who Brooke is. I haven't seen her in months and we haven't spoken in over a year. So excuse me if the way I'm reacting to seeing my ex girlfriend for the first time in months is not the way you pictured it." She says standing up. I remain on the bed just watching her look through her dresser for sleeping attire I guess. "I'm fine Spencer. I just really had a great time with you tonight, and if it's ok with you I would really like to end this night with you holding me why I go to sleep. I can figure out this whole Brooke showing up out of nowhere thing in the morning." She says handing me something to sleep in, then going to the bathroom.
She comes out of the bathroom in her sleeping cloths five minutes later. She climbs into the bed with me and I pull her into my arms and that's how we fell asleep.
Ashley's POV
I can't believe Brooke is here. It's been so long since we've talked. She always leaves me emails but I never reply to them. I don't know why she's here. She knows I won't talk to her.
Right now I'm waiting on Spencer to come out of the bathroom. We haven't spoken since last night. This morning we just woke up and started to get ready for the day.
"Hey," I say when she steps out of the bathroom. She walks over to me with a big smile on her face and gives me one of the softest kisses of my life.
"Good morning." She says against my lips then kisses me again but this time putting more into it.
"Wow, someone is feeling good this morning." I say pulling out of the kiss. She kisses me on the cheek and starts putting on her shoes.
"Yeah, I do. But I really need to get home."
"No, you can't go home. I need you here with me. Brooke is going to be here in like 20 minutes." I say pouting.
"She doesn't look like she bites. You'll be fine." She gives me another kiss on the cheek. "I love you." She gives me a kiss on the lips then gets up and walks to my bed room door. I still haven't said anything. "Oh, you're not going to say I love you too baby?" She says turning around looking at me.
"You know I love you, Spencer. I just can't believe you're going to leave me." I say walk over to her.
"I promise I want stay gone long." She kisses me one more time then leaves.
Brooke's been over here for an hour now. For an hour I haven't said a word. It's just me and her. Shane ran off first thing this morning with a friend and my mom and her parents went out to breakfast. Brooke and I ate cereal before coming up stairs to my room. She's been telling how she misses me and asking me to talk to her. Now we're just sitting here, me looking at her and her looking around my room.
"Ok Ashley since your still on this not talking thing, how about this. I ask you questions and you answer by nodding your head yes or no, ok?" She says turning around and leaning on my dresser for support. I think about it for a moment and nod my head yes, for ok.
"So are you and this Spencer girl together." I wasn't surprised at the question. She's always been a forward person, never one to beat around the bush. I nod my head yes and she looks at me for a minute.
"Do you miss me?" She asks coming to sit next to me on the bed. This time I'm completely caught off guard by this question. How the hell can she just go from asking about my relationship with Spencer to asking about hers and mines? I mean, I know she was going to ask sooner or later but damn. "And before you answer I don't mean do you miss me as your best friend, but as the first girl you ever kissed kind of do you miss me?" She says putting her hand on my knee. I move my knee and turn to look at her when I do, I find out she moved closer to me because our noses touch as soon as I turn my head. I'm about to move when I hear someone whisper my name. I look over and see Spencer standing in the doorway.
Spencer's POV
I can't believe what I'm seeing, but then again I don't know exactly what it is I'm seeing. Yes they could have been about to kiss again if they even did it a first time. Or Ashley could have been about to stop whatever was about to happen. But I will never know all I know is that their lips are too close to each others for my comfort.
Ashley jumps off the bed and walks over to me, breaking me from the shock I went in seeing her with her ex. I don't say anything I just look at her and then start to turn around to leave her house. I hear her following me as I walk to the front door. She grabs my arm, turning me around before I can touch the door handle to leave.
"Spencer nothing happened. Nothing was going to happen." She says looking me right in the eyes. I don't say anything. I just walk into the living room and take a seat on the couch, Ashley follows my actions. "Can you please say something?" Ashley asks sounding like she's going to breakout into tears at any minute. I'm about to say something when Brooke comes into the room taking a seat across from us.
"Nothing happen…" Brooke starts to say but stops when we hear laughter coming from the front door. It's Ashley's mom and Brookes parents. They come into the living room and sit down after saying hello to the three of us. Mrs. Parker asks what we been up to while they were gone. "Oh nothing just talking, chatting and getting to know each other, girl stuff." She says smiling at Ashley. "I really did miss you Ash." Ashley looks over at her and back to me.
"I um… I have to be going, grandma has a list of things she needs me to help her out with." I say lying because I really need to get out of here or I'm going to beat the shit out of Brooke. "It was nice seeing you again. I hope we meet up again before you all leave." I tell Mrs. and Mr. Parker on my way to the front door. Ashley is quick to follow me when we get outside she pulls me over to the side of the porch away from windows.
"Spencer I really need you to say something, please."She says looking down at my hands that she grabbed while dragging me over to the side of the porch.
"Do you still love her?" I say and she snaps her head up to look at me as soon as the words leave my mouth.
"No... Yes. I mean n…" She starts then her mom comes to the door to tell her she needs to hurry up no offence to me though. After Ashley nods her head her mom goes back into the house and we're alone again. I try to get pass Ashley to leave but she holds tighter to my hands and steps in my way. "Look can we talk when you come over tonight?" I don't answer. "Are you even still coming over tonight?" She asks sounding hurt. I can't believe this. I find her with her ex girlfriend and then she tells me she still loves her. She can't possibly be hurt, at least as not as much as I am at this moment.
"Maybe, I don't know." I tell her the truth.
"Seriously stop." She says throwing her hands up.
"Stop what?" I ask truly confused as to what she wants me to stop doing.
"Acting like you're two years old. We need to talk, even if you don't want to."
"Whatever." I whisper pulling my hands away.
"So I'll see you tonight?" She says sighing.
"Maybe," Is the last thing I say to her before going home to think about everything that just happened.
Ashley's POV
After Spencer left I spent the rest of the day thinking about her and how I really need to see her. I also spent my time listening to Brooke and her parents talk about the different events we missed in Detroit since we've been gone. Brooke didn't try anything else. I guess because we were never alone again.
Now it's the next day and I'm sitting on my porch waiting on Spencer to pull up with one of her friends. She had school today. Last night she didn't show up. I sat outside from 9pm to 1am waiting on her, but she never showed. I know I messed up by telling her I still love Brooke bu…
I'm brought out of my thoughts when I see Mia's car pull up in front of Spencer's house. Spencer hops out the car, says something to Mia and closes the door. Mia looks up and spots me, she smiles and wave at me before pulling off. Spencer doesn't even look my way, just heads for the front door of her house. I run over to her and block her front door.
"What the hell is your problem?" I whisper.
"Right now, I would have to say you." She says really nasty. She has never talked to me like this and I have to say it hurts. "Why are you here anyway? What Brooke went home and now you need me to fill her spot until she comes back?" She says keeping the same careless tone as she speaks.
"Spencer can we please just sit down and talk?" I ask pushing back the tears that are threatening to spill if she keeps saying things like that.
"I'm busy." She says simply then looks at the car behind her. I didn't even notice it before even though I'm the one facing the street. I guess I was too busy trying to get back the girl standing in front of me. Anyway back to the car. Someone's getting out of it, it's a girl. When she turns around I see that it's Stacy. Yup that's right, Spencer ex girlfriend, Stacy. Stacy walks up the steps to the porch and over to us.
"Hey guys." She says all happy. I just look at her then back at Spencer one more time before walking off the porch and back home, tears running down my face.
It's been about three hours since the whole thing with Spencer happened. Now I'm just sitting on my bed listening to Brooke talk about how she still wish I would talk to her and how much she's going to miss me when she leaves tonight.
"Ashley I know that I live in Detroit and all, but I still want to get back together."She says coming to sit by me. "We cou…"
"No we can't. Whatever it is, we can't." I tell her getting up. I look at her and she's sitting on my bed with her mouth hanging open from the shock of me speak. "I love Spencer. Yes, she's being an ass right now. But I love her. I'm in love with her." I tell her and she just stares at me. "Brooke I will always love you but I'm not in love with you. I guess we can be friends but nothing more, just friends." I tell her trying to get my breathing right because it started to go funny between all that I just said.
"I um… friends?" She asks finding her voice. I nod my head. "Will you promise that if things between you and Spencer don't work out that you'll give me another chance?" She asks coming to stand in front of me.
"I promise." I say giving her a hug.
We spent another hour just talking as friends. I told her about how Spencer is the only one I have spoken too, besides her and about my parents' divorce. She didn't try anything else, far as trying to kiss me or anything. She left ten minutes ago with a promise from me that I'll reply to her e-mails. Now I'm sitting on my back porch hoping that Spencer comes over tonight.
Spencer's POV
"Please tell me you didn't do anything with Stacy?" Mia says coming to sit next me on my bed.
"I didn't do anything with Stacy." I tell her the truth. Mia and Jessica have been with me for the last hour, listening to me talk about my relationship with Ashley. Stacy left ten minutes after she arrived; she only stopped by to pick up some papers for a project we have to do for our English class. But I couldn't help but try to make Ashley think she was there for other reasons when she saw us together.
"Okay, that's good. Now just go talk to her." Mia says like it's that easy. Jessica sits up on the couch and looks at her watch.
"Yeah, go talk to her. Isn't this around the time you guys sit on her back porch and talk?" Jessica says trying to get more comfortable. I look over to my clock on the wall and see its 9pm.
"Yeah it is. But I don't think I want to talk to her right now." I say lying back on my bed.
"Oh come on Spence. So what her ex girlfriend is in town? She didn't freak out when she saw Stacy at the party." Jessica says getting up off the couch after she couldn't get comfortable. Sometimes it's so hard to talk to them about me and Ashley because they don't know she talks so I can't tell them some of the stuff she said like she still loves Brooke.
"I'm not freaking out! I jus…" I start but I'm cut off when Jessica grabs my hand, pulling me off the bed.
"Stop being childish and go talk to your girlfriend." Mia says throwing me my shoes.
"Yeah, it's not like you are going to stop thinking about her anytime soon if ever. Remember you're in love." Jessica say opening up my bedroom door. "Plus you have no one else to talk to. We're leaving." And just like that, they were gone.
I'm sitting next to Ashley on her back porch. It's been ten minutes and neither one of us has said a word. It took me thirty minutes just to figure out if I should come over and talk to her tonight. Half of me was afraid she wasn't going to be out here tonight or that she wouldn't wanted to talk to me after that stunt I pulled with Stacy earlier…
"Nothing happened between me and Brooke. And nothing ever will." Ashley says breaking the silence.
"Why not, you love her right?" I say refusing to look at her even though I know she's looking at me.
"I love a lot of people Spencer, but I'm only in love with one." She says and I just sit there in silence. After a minute goes by and I still haven't said anything she starts to speak again. "Brooke was my first in a lot of ways. The first girl I kissed, my first girlfriend, first person I ever had sex with and the first person I was ever in love with." She says quietly. "So yes Brooke is someone I love. But only as a friend, the same way you love Mia and Jessica. And she knows that because even though you were at home doing who knows what with Stacy, I told her that we could only be friends. I told her I'm in love with you." After she says that I finally look over at her.
"Stacy only came over to get some papers for school. Nothing happened between us. She only stayed long enough to get what she needed." I tell her.
"Did you want something to happen with her?" She asks and I look at her like she's crazy. How could she even think I would want to be with someone else?
"No! I might have been mad at you but I'd never cheat on you."I say standing up to only stand in front of her.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm jus… I love you so much Spencer." She says and we lock eyes.
"You're my first." I whisper.
"What?" She asks clearly haven't heard my whispered words.
"You're the first person I've been in love with." I say resting my hands on either side of her, our faces inches apart. "I'm sorry about those things I said on the porch early, and I'm sorry if over these last couple of days if I caused you any type of pain. I'm new to this love thing so… sometimes I make stupid decision or say stupid things. Please forgive me for not being sure of how to love you." I tell her and she moves closer so know her lips are lightly touching mine.
"You don't need to be forgiven you're doing a great job." She says against my lips before we finally kiss.
The kiss lasted to we had to break for air and when we did I sat back down beside her. She rested her head on my shoulder. For the rest of the night we just held hands and sat in silence till it was time for me to go home.
Ashley's POV
It's been two days since me and Spencer kissed and made up. I'm still falling more and more in love with her every day. Right now we're at her house getting ready for bed. She promised me that she'll stay the weekend at my house if I spend the night with her tonight. So here I am, waiting on her to come back from the bathroom. Speaking of my beautiful girlfriend she just walked into the room wearing some pajama pants and a little t-shirt.
"Hey." I say smiling at her while moving the covers back so she can climb into bed with me. She gets into bed and makes herself comfortable before giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Are you ok, Spence?" I ask this because she's been very quiet since I got back from going to get some cloths from home.
"Paige called me when you went home," I lift my head off her chest to look at her. "She's meeting my mom for dinner tomorrow and they want me to come." She finishes telling me moving her gaze from me to her bedroom ceiling.
"Are you going to go?" I ask lying my head back down on her chest.
"I don't know."
"I think you should go. I think it will be good for you. I mean you won't be free of her until you confront her and tell her everything you've been holding in, wanting to say to her." I say closing my eyes.
"Have you talked to Rich?" My eyes pop back open when she asks this question. We haven't really talked that much about my rape. Actually this is the first time she's brought it up first. And I don't think I'm ready for those questions she probably wants to asks, not just yet.
"No."I answer closing my eyes again. "So are you going to see your mom?" I ask, hoping we can just go back to talking about her mom.
"I don't know, maybe. I have to think about it some more." She says rubbing circles on my back. "I love you Ashley."
"I love you too, Spence."
That's the last thing we say before we both get quiet and sleep takes over.
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Spencer's POV
I've been sitting at this table with my mom and sister for about twenty minutes now and 'm beyond ready to go. My mom has been talking about her new family the last ten minutes. And it's really starting to piss me off that she can sit here and tell the children that she abandon about her new happy family. So far she told us she married the guy she left us for, Adam. Oh and get this she has a two year old son, Matt. I wonder if he even knows about us. It doesn't matter thought I probably won't talk to my mom after this little dinner.
"So… Spencer what's been going on with you? Getting good grades in school, I hope?" My mom asks breaking me from my thoughts. This is the first time she has asked me something since we've been here. Most of the conversations was either talking about Paige and her moving out of our grandma's house or her life after us. But either way this will be the first time I have spook since arriving. And unlike my sister I don't believe on playing nice.
"What's been going on with me, let's see…" I say sitting up in my chair so I can look right into her eyes. "Ok I got it… let's start with how after you left dad started to beat the shit out of us. Even broke my arm one time. Or would you rather hear about how he packed his shit and left two years after you. But…"
"Spence. Don't." Paige pleads.
"No Paige, she asked a question. I'm just trying to answer it." I tell her then look back at my silent mother. "In you know what mom?" I ask fully expecting the answer I didn't get. She just stared at me so I continued. "I was glad to see him go. The day he walked out I was so happy. His leaving meant less worrying, no more fear, fewer tears." I tell her trying my best to hold back the tears I want to release so bad. "But then I was like, damn. Both of my parents left me. So what does one do when hurt?" She just continues to stare. "You don't know? Well let me tell you my experience. I became a fuck up. I started to drink, party, skip school… whatever. Because I figured who cares, right? My parents don't." I'm shocked that so far I've managed to keep my voice calm, even though I certainly am anything but. "But then I stopped and thought about it and decided I care. I care about me. Don't get me wrong… even after deciding I didn't want to be my parents… I still got into some trouble. But even then I was better. Then pain showed back up in the form of my father. But someone who do want me stopped him with her love." I tell her thinking back to the exchange between Ashley in my dad. "Now you're trying to come back… or whatever." I say keeping eye contact. "But… I don't want you back. I don't want to get hurt again, when you feel like you can't be my mom anymore." I say finally letting a tear slid down my face as I get up and leave the small restaurant that we decided to meet at.
I really do want my mom but she's hurt me to much already. I don't think I can do that again, so why even put myself in that position. Sorry I'll pass.
Ashley's POV
"I really don't like this habit you're starting." I say taking a drunk Spencer's shoes off.
"I hate my mom." Spencer says grabbing my hands and pulling me down to lie in my bed beside her. Once we get comfortable I move a couple of strands of blonde her out of her face.
"You don't hate your mom. You love her and that scares you because that means she has the power to hurt you."
"I told her I didn't want her back in my life but I do… I want her to be my mom again." She says turning over to face me and I wrap her in my arms. She mumbles for a little while longer about wanting her mom before she falls asleep in my arms.
When I woke up Spencer was gone. She left me a message on my nightstand telling me she went home to get cleaned up. Now an hour later I'm sitting on her bed waiting on her to come up stairs. Her grandma asked her to do something for her after she let me in and sent me up stairs to wait on her.
"Hey." She says coming in her room and shutting the door behind her.
"Hi." I say breaking the welcoming kiss she gives me as she joins me on her bed. "So… do you want to talk about your dinner with your mom?" I ask giving her a peck on the lips.
"No."
"Ok, well then let's talk about last night." I say pulling her hands into mine.
"What happen last night?" She asks intertwining our hands.
"You came over my house at one in the morning drunk out of your mind."
"Sorry about that. It won't happen again." She says leaning in to kiss me.
"Which part, you coming over at one in the morning or you getting drunk part?" I ask turning my head so she gets my cheek. I really do love her and I hate when she goes out in get drunk every time she can't deal with something.
"Ashley…" She says sighing, taking her hands from mine so she can put her head in them.
"No serious Spencer. I don't like when you drink. It's not good for you." I say rubbing circles on her back. "Drinking won't solve your problems."
"And not talking to people won't solve yours." When she says that my hand that was rubbing circles on her back stops dead in its spot. "Ashley I…"
"Well it keeps me from saying stupid things like that." I say cutting her off and making a move to leave.
"Ashley stop." She says grabbing my arm, turning me around. "I'm sorry, ok? I didn't…"
"No Spencer it's not ok. I know that this thing with your mom is bothering you. And I want to be here for you, but I refuse to let you take your anger out on me. I c…"
"I'm not taking my anger out on you." She says cutting me off this time.
"Yeah, you are. It might have been one hurtful thing you said but where there's one there's more to follow. It's what you do. If you're not trying to drink to forget what you're feeling your saying things like that comment you just made to me." I say trying to get across what I'm feeling right now with my words.
"I'm sorry." She says stepping closer, I move back. She's repeating how sorry she is and moving closer to me. "I'm sorry baby." She says closing the distance between us. My back is on her door and her body is pressed into mine. "Sorry." She whispers one more time before kissing me. "Please don't go." She says pulling back from the kiss but not moving her body.
"Stop being mean to me?"
"Promise." She says smiling and kissing my lips again.
"Good because kisses and saying sorry won't work next time you decided to take out everything on Ashley." I say grabbing her hand and going to sit back down on her bed.
I really hope this thing with her mom work it's self out real soon because I don't really like confused and closed up Spencer that much.
Spencer's POV
"You know what. I'm going home." Ashley says grabbing her purse off my nightstand and heading for my bedroom door.
"Come on Ash, it's not that serious." I say walking over and blocking the door so she can't get out. We've been arguing for the about ten minutes now. She's mad because I got drunk again last night. Or maybe she's mad because I also got drunk the night before too. Either way it's something I really don't want to argue with her about. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I don't need her telling me what to do.
"Yes, it is Spencer. You're underage. You're on fucking probation! Not to mention all the shit that can happen to you while you're so drunk you can barely walk!" She yells and I'm surprised because I would think she wouldn't want anyone to hear her, but I guess she's to pissed to take in account that my grandma and brother is downstairs. "So what you're not coming over my house after you go out and party. You're still drinking… in fact I would feel much better if you did come over afterwards because at least then I'll know you're safe." She says in her regular voice. "But I would really feel much better if you stop drinking and just talk to me. Tell me what's going on Spencer." She says grabbing my hand.
"There's nothing going on. I'm just having some fun. Why is that so hard to understand?" I say and she just stares at me for a minute before trying to move me out of the way so she can leave.
"Move. I want to go home." She says after struggling for a minute to move me, but not being successful.
"No. I'm sorry, ok." I say running my hands threw my hair. "Can we please stop arguing and just watch a movie or something?"
"I'm really tired of hearing how sorry you are. I don't want to even be the same room with you right now. So I'll have to say no to the whole move thing. So, with that said move so I can go home." She says looking me right in the eyes.
"Ash…" I start.
"Move." She says. I move away from the door and let her leave.
I don't know why I can't just sit down and talk to her about what's going on with me. I guess I'm going back to the way I use to cope with my problems before Ashley, partying and drinking.
Ashley's POV
Spencer and I haven't seen each other since yesterday morning, after I went over to check on her and we got into an argument about her drinking. This last couple of days we haven't spent that much time together. We always get into an argument, that always end with us sitting there ignoring each other or me going home.
Right now I'm making sure I put everything into my suitcase. I have to go to New York with my dad, it's an agreement me in Shane made with our parents when they separated. We spend at least a week with my dad a month and the rest with my mom. My dad's too busy to do more than a week with us actually getting his attention so we choose to stay with my mom but we can see our dad when ever and the same thing goes for him with us. Anyway I wonder if Spencer went out last night or if she's going to come and see me before I leave in a couple of hours.
It's 10am when I hear a knock on my door, I leave in an hour. I get up and open the door to see Spencer.
"Hey." She whispers after a minute of us just standing and staring at each other.
"Hi." I say turning around going to sit on my bed. Spencer follows but instead of sitting she stands in front of me. I know she's looking at me but I refuse to meet her gaze.
"I don't want you to leave with us on bad terms…" She trails off and then I feel her fingers under my chin bring my face up to look at her. "I don't want you to leave at all. I…"
"That's funny because this is the first time you acted like you wanted me around in like a week." I say removing her hands from my face. I'm really glad she came over before I left but I'm still hurt from the way she's been acting, and I'm not going to hide my feelings from her like she's doing me.
"That's not true every time we argued and you wanted to leave and go home, I begged you to stay." That's true even though most of the time I would leave anyway. "Ashl…" She's cut off when my mom knocks on the door and pops her head in to tell me we're leaving in ten minutes to go to the airport. After she leaves we just stare at each other in silence.
"When I leave you a message on the computer will you right me back?" She asks sitting next to me on the bed after two minutes has past.
"It depends, will you be drunk or sober when sending said messages." I say serious. She leans over and kisses me on the cheek. It's crazy how we can be arguing and she will just kiss me in the middle of it and then we'll go back to arguing right after. She says she can't help herself.
"I'm going to be too busy missing you to even think about a drink." She says grabbing one of my hands. "I didn't go out last night. I stayed up all night thinking about how I hurt you and how sorry I am."
I don't get to say anything back before I hear Shane yelling 'It's time to go'. I stand up still holding Spencer's hand. She stands up as well pulling me into her. We stand hugging each other before she pulls away a little to kiss me.
"I'm still mad at you." I tell her.
"I know." She says and she does know. "I want you to come with me to talk to my mom when you get back." She says putting her head on my shoulder.
"Okay." I say smiling. "I love you."
"I love you too, baby." She says laying a kiss to my neck. We kiss again before breaking apart to go down stairs. I get to my bedroom door and start to turn the knob before she stops me. "Ashley…" She starts and I turn around to face her. She removes some hair from my face, leaving her hand resting on my cheek. "You know I want you, right?" She says and I know she means in more ways than one. But I' m not ready to go there yet, she knows I'm still a little hesitant because I don't feel like I'll be able to give her what she need because of what happened to me. This is her way of saying she loves me the way I am. I give her a kiss on the lips telling her I know before opening the door to go away from my heart for a week.
TBC
Spencer's POV
While Ashley was gone we sent each other emails day and night. I only went out twice during the whole week, I didn't get drunk. Yeah I might have had a beer or two but nothing to crazy. Mia and Jessica has been watching me like a hawk, they can't stand my drinking either.
Ashley and I are snuggled up on Mia's couch. She got back earlier today and I was able to convince her to come over to Mia's house with me. I had a romantic dinner sit up for us. It's our 6 month anniversary. I couldn't do it at my house because everyone was there. You should have seen her face, she was so surprised. I had candles everywhere and a vase full of her favorite flowers, lilies, sitting on the dining table. After we eat the dinner, I had Jessica prepare for us. We went into the living room for desert which was some air heads. That made her laugh. I know it's stupid but I know there her favorite candies so why not. After eating and talking for a while I told her I had a gift for her, a gold bracelet. I had it engraved to say 'My Everything- Love Spencer'. After she read it she cried. She knew what it meant. I once told her how I was afraid to let someone in because that meant giving them my everything. Letting them see me weak and scared, knowing everything about me. And that scares me because that means they have the power to hurt me. I trust Ashley not to.
"Spencer…" I'm brought out of my thoughts by Ashley's voice.
"Hmmm… what is it baby." I say kissing her cheek. She moves from my arms and stands up offering me her hand.
"Can we go back to my house, your presents there." She says pulling me up.
"Yeah, ok. Let's just clean up this stuff and we'll go." I tell her moving to the kitchen to clean up.
When we get finished we hop into Mia's car she let me keep for tonight. She's out with Jessica at some party. When I first told Ashley I was driving us over to Mia's she was scared to get in the car with me she thought I couldn't drive, I proved her wrong. Anyway back to the matter at hand, we just walked into her house, it's quiet. This is weird, her moms always up and about cleaning or just watching some soap operas in the living room. Every now in then you can hear Shane screaming at the TV when he's home, but right now you can't hear a sound.
"Where is everyone?" I ask Ashley following her up the stairs.
"Um… my mom went out with some friends and Shane's spending the night at his friend Treys house." She replies pushing me into her room. "Go sit on the bed. I'll be right out." She says grabbing a bag off the floor and going into the bathroom.
I do as she says taking off my shoes, getting comfortable on the bed. After five minutes I hear her yell 'Close your eyes until I tell you to open them' I do as she says then I hear the bathroom door open.
"Don't open your eyes." She repeats, moving around in the room. After a couple more minutes the room goes quiet. I hear her take in a big breath before speaking. "I love you Spencer. Open your eyes."
I open my eyes to see Ashley standing in a cute lingerie piece. My mouth goes completely dry. I've never seen this much of her skin before. We've only just started a month ago filling each other up, but that's even been through our cloths.
"You are so beautiful." I whisper looking her in the eyes. We just stare at each other for a minute then she moves closer to me.
"I'm ready Spencer. Make love to me." She says leaning down and kissing me. I pull her down onto my lap without breaking the kiss. We both pull apart resting our foreheads on each others.
"Are you sure? We don…" I'm cut off by the taste of her lips on mine. As the kiss progresses, I find myself lying on my back with Ashley straddling my waist. She breaks the kiss and sits up, taking off her shirt.
"I'm giving you my everything."
Ashley's POV
I wake up in the arms of a necked Spencer. Unable to control myself, I move up to lay wet kisses all over her face.
"Mmmm… I love you." She says opening her eyes.
When she says that, memories of last night flow into my head. Last night we made love for the first time in our relationship. My first time since… you know what. Last night was amazing. Spencer was slow and gentle; the whole time she whispered how much she loved me. I loved every minute of it. I love her.
"Are you okay?" She asks me pulling me back down onto her.
"Yeah, just thinking about how amazing last night was." I say kissing her neck.
"It was, wasn't it?" She says rubbing circles on my back.
"Yeah… perfect." I say kissing her. "Can we rest for a while longer; you wore me out last night." I say pulling away from the kiss.
I lay resting my head back on her chest feeling complete in her arms. I know we have a lot of things to work through but right now all that matters is this moment. This moment we have to ourselves, this moment were its ok to forget.
TBC
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