A/N: You people are wonderful. Thanks for all the reviews, subscriptions and just reading this story!
Spencer's POV
"So… my friend Aaron is having a party tonight. I was thinking maybe we could go?" I say pulling my shirt over my head.
It's been a couple of days since our amazing night. We haven't been able to keep are hands off each other. Every time we're alone we end up necked, but I'm not complaining. That night I was so scared because I know how important it was for her. I'm just happy I could be the one to help her get passed her fears.
"You know I don't like parties and plus don't you want to just relax before tomorrow?" She asks sitting up in bed. Tomorrow my mom's suppose to come over my house so we can talk. I have decided to accept the fact that I can't stop living because I'm afraid of getting hurt because that's something that everyone feels in life. I can't expect everyone to be perfect, I'm not.
"Come on, please. We'll only stay for a couple of hours." I say pouting and kissing her neck.
"Spencer…"
"Ashley…"
"You go to the party." She says getting out of bed and slipping on an over sized t-shirt.
"What! No, come with me. I want to go and show off my sexy girlfriend." I grab her and pull her down onto my lap. We don't say anything I just hold her in my arms. I know she probably doesn't want to go to the party because of her past, but I think going to this party will help her in her efforts to break free from it. Plus she did so well at the last party, at Mia's house. "Please baby, I won't let anything happen to you."
I guess letting her know that I'm here for her did the trick because now we're dancing in the middle of a crowd living room.
"Spence, I have to pee." Ashley whispers in my ear. I break away from her and grab her hand, leading her to the bathroom. I have been to so many of Aaron's parties. Last summer I spent so much time in this house hanging out, drinking, nursing handovers.
When we get to the bathroom, Ashley lets go of my hand and goes in. I'm surprise there's no line but whatever. I stand outside of the door, sipping on my second beer of the night. I know Ashley's not too happy about me drinking tonight but I think I deserve it for the last week I spent not partying for her.
"Hey…" I'm brought back to reality by Michael, some kid that I have English with.
"What's up?" I say bringing the beer bottle back up to my lips, drinking the last of it.
"Nothing I jus… whoa sweetheart what is your name." He says looking over my shoulders. I don't need to turn around to know that his gawking at MY Ashley. I feel Ashley slip her hand into mine while I glare at Michael.
"Sorry Mike, she's spoken for." I tell him.
"Will maybe…"
"No maybe's Mike. All Mine." I cut him of shouting over my shoulder as I guide Ashley to the kitchen. "You ok?" I asks letting go of her hand so I can grab a beer. As soon as reach into the cooler her hand is covering mine pulling it out.
"I'm fine and you've had enough to drink tonight." She says pulling me into her.
"I've only had two beers in the last three hours…" I say reaching back, grabbing a beer.
"I want to go home." Ashley says letting go of me.
"Ashley… It's just one more damn beer." I say sitting the beer back down.
"Whatever Spencer, I want to go home."
"Stay. I'm not going to drink anymore." I say trying to grab her hand, she keeps pulling away. "Fine let's go." I say going back into the crowed to find Mia, she's our ride home tonight.
The whole ride home Ashley didn't look at me. Every time I tried to touch her she would move away. When we get to my house, Ashley hugs Mia and sends the guy Mia brought along with us, a wave and gets out off the car. I tell Mia thanks and follow Ashley to her porch.
"So are you going to ignore me for the rest of the night or what?" I say standing behind her as she tries to put the keys in the door. We get all the way into her room. She starts to get dressed for bed right away. Without talking to me. I walk across the room and take a seat in front of her bed, leaning my head back on it.
I'm still sitting on the floor when Ashley gets in the bed and turns off the light. Getting tired of her ignoring me I get up and go to the bedside table in turn back on the light but that still doesn't get her to open up her eyes.
"Ashley I'm sorry…" I say sitting down on the bed. "You know nothing's going to get accomplished with you not talking to me."
"Change, get in the bed and go to sleep Spencer." She says flipping over, turning her back to me.
"I'm going home." I say starting to get up, when she turns around grabbing my hand. "You want me to stay."
"You don't need to be going out this let by yourself. I don't care if it's just a walk next door." She say letting go of my hand.
"So you don't want me to stay. You j…"
"It doesn't' matter what I want because you don't listen to me." She says getting frustrated.
"Yes I do. I just don't understand why you're getting so mad about a couple of drinks." I say getting up, taking my clothes off.
"And I don't understand why you always have to go and get drunk." She says turning back over. I ignore her and finish getting changed into my night cloths before I crawl in next to her.
"I'm sorry… I'm nervous about seeing my mom after our last encounter. I'm just being stupid because that's how I deal. Doing and saying stupid things." I say quietly.
"I know. But I'm here now, you can talk to me."
"I know." I say slipping my arms around her waist.
"Do you? Because every time something happens you do the same thing, drink. Then we get into it and make up and the cycle just starts right back up with the next problem." She says turning around in my arms so we're facing each other.
"I know I'm working on it. It's just going to take some time but I'll find a different way to release." I say closing my eyes.
"I thought that was me. I was your release." I hear Ashley whisper after a minute of silence.
Ashley's POV
Right now I'm sitting on Spencer's front porch listening to her mom apologizes for all the shit she put her through. From what Spencer's told me about her mom when they we're a family untill now, it seems to me she's made a big change and really wants to be a part of her kids life.
"Ashley, can I have a minute alone with Spencer real fast?" Her mom asks me. I look over to Spencer to see what she wants me to do and she says it is okay. I get up and walk into her house and go up stairs into her room.
After about five minutes Spencer comes into the room and sits next to me on her couch. We haven't talked that much since last night. Sometimes I don't know what to do, I hate when she drinks. I don't think she's an alcoholic or anything; she only drinks when some things bothering her, other than that she won't drink more than a beer when certain occasions occur.
"Is everything ok between you and your mom?" I ask trying to break the silence that has filled the room.
"No…but we agreed to work on it."
"That's good. I'm happy for you." I say looking her in the eyes for the first time since she came up here.
"Yeah… so are we good. I mean last night with the argument and everything." She says shifting closer to me on the bed.
"Yeah, I guess." I sigh. "I just know I'm tired of arguing with you." I say leaning in and kissing her. "I just want to have a good day today." I say pulling out of the kiss.
"We will, baby." She says pulling me back in for a kiss.
It's been a week since the talk with Spencer's mom. Spencer's been going over to her house and getting to know her little brother. Tomorrow, she and Glen are going to baby sit for the weekend. Spencer is going to stay over there for that time so she's spending the night with me tonight. We actually haven't had that many sleepovers this past week, since she's been busy with her mom and all.
Right now we're in my kitchen helping my mom cook. My mom has been giving Spencer strange looks all night, but I think Spencer hasn't notices, I have and I don't like it. I know Spencer doesn't like my mom as much after I told her how my mom treated me after the rape, but she still treats her with respect.
"Ashley hand me that pan." I hand my mom the pan she's pointing to. "So Spencer since I can't get a word out of my daughter why don't we have a little chat." My mom say's looking over at Spencer.
"Sure, what do you want to talk about Mrs. Davies?" Spencer asks looking at me with questioning eyes when my mom turns back around to concentrate on what she's doing.
"I don't know. How's school?" My mom asks then they talk for the next thirty minutes about how Spencer hates school but knows how important it is. We're at the dinner table now when my mom starts talking about a boy I use to tell her I dated, when really I was with Brooke.
"Do you have a boyfriend Spencer?" My mom asks and Spencer's eyes go wide.
Spencer's POV
"She knows." Ashley says pacing back and forth across her room.
I told her mom that I was single at the moment but my last relationship didn't end well. After that her mom went on to interrogate Shane and what he has been up to. We've been so wrapped up in each other that we have neglected everyone else. We haven't discussed Ashley coming out to her parents or if she even will anytime soon. And I'm too tired to talk about it tonight.
"She does not. Please come to bed. I'm tired." I say pulling the covers back for her to crawl in.
"I um…" She looks down at her hands. "I don't think… maybe…"
"Maybe what?" I say sitting up, not liking the way she can't look at me.
"I'm going to sleep on the floor." I can't believe she's letting one little question get to her.
"Are serious?" She doesn't respond. "We were sleeping in the same bed before we got together, when we were just friends. She still thinks were just friends…"
"Does she?" Ashley asks looking at me now.
"Come to bed Ashley." I say not wanting to argue. She doesn't move from her spot across the room. "Fine, what if she knows Ashley? Will things change between us?" I ask realizing that we're going to have this conversation now rather than later.
"No! I jus…"
"That's not true." I say moving to sit on the end of the bed.
"Yes it is." She say sitting in her desk chair.
"No it's not." I say looking down at my hands then back at her. "Things are already changing." I say quietly. "You don't even know if your mom knows and you're already pulling away."
"No I'm not Spencer." She says coming to kneel in between my legs. "I'm not. I just… I don't know." She stops talking and puts her hands on both sides of my face. "I'm sorry, I'm being stupid." She gives me a quick kiss on the lips. "Let's go to bed." She says grabbing my hand and pulling me back on the bed.
I tried my best to enjoy my weekend but thoughts of Ashley keep popping in my head. Would she want to break up if her mom found out? Would she send her away? That's what I thought about all weekend, today's no better. Ashley and I are sitting on her front porch with Shane and his friend Trey. Trey keeps flirting with Ashley, making little comments about how extra good she looks today. It's pissing me off that I can't tell him to fuck off, because she's mine. Ashley's not helping either she's just blushing and nodding her head whenever he says something when her moms around.
"Um… I think I'm going to go home." I say standing to leave. Ashley's quick to get on her feet and follow me to my house. When we get into my room, she closes the door behind her.
"What's wrong?" She asks me leaning against my door.
"What's wrong? Are serious?" I ask getting even madder that she's playing dumb. "I'm one comment away from telling your brothers little friend to fuck off." I say flopping down on my bed. "Why are you entertaining his ass anyway? Your mom doesn't know we're fucking…"
"Spencer…" Ashley sighs. She hates when I talk like that.
"Whatever." I say looking up at the ceiling. We've been quiet for a while, when Ashley gets up off the couch she made herself comfortable on and sits down beside me on the bed.
"I think I'm going to go." She says quietly. I sit up and kiss her.
"I'm sorry. You don't have to leave." I say pulling out of the kiss.
"No. But I think I should." And just like that she gives me one more kiss and leaves.
Ashley's POV
These last couple of days has been weird between me and Spencer. She's always gone with her mom or with one of her friends. Like today, I haven't seen her since yesterday at around 1pm. A week ago we we're all over each other but ever since that dinner with my mom, we've hardly touched. And you would think it would be me pulling away but Spencer's doing the pulling.
It's now 10pm and I haven't talked to Spencer all day. I know I seem like the clingy girlfriend but I'm not. We just always let the other no when we won't be seeing each other. And even then will IM each other or something but we just don't go days without speaking, even when we're arguing. Maybe this is getting to be too much for her and she doesn't want me anymore. I was just a game. You know, get inside the mute girl next door head and pants while you're at it. She's accomplished both, and got something a little extra. My heart.
"Hey…" I hear coming from in front of me. I look up to see Spencer standing at the bottom of the porch.
"You're not drunk." I say as she makes her way over to sit next to me on the couch on my back porch. I thought maybe if she came over drunk, that would mean she's just scared or something. But she's not so it's something more behind her actions.
"Should I be?" She asks leaning over to kiss me, but I give her my cheek.
"Where have you been?" I ask moving over on the couch so we're not touching.
"With Paige." She says staring at me. "I'm sorry. I lost track of time."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." She says trying to grab my hand. "Ashley, stop." She demands when I take my hand back.
"Do you want to break up with me?"
"No!" She says soon as the question leaves my mouth. I ignore her and keep talking.
"Are sure that you're not tired of playing girlfriend with the head case you call a neighbor." I say referring to our relationship like its nothing when it's so much more.
"Ashley, stop." She says moving closer to me, I just scoot away and keep talking.
"After all you already got some good fucks out of her…"
"Shut up!" Spencer yells then lowers her voice. "What's wrong with you?" She says taking my face between her hands. "Come here." She pulls me into a tight embrace. "Talk to me." She demands. "What's making you act like this?"
"You…" I mumble into her chest after a minute or two. I know she's about to ask what I'm talking about so I just go on to explain. "You hardly even come over anymore, and when I come over your not there or about to leave." I bring my head up to look at her. "I mean it's like you don't want to even be around me anymore."
"That's not true, I love you." She says wiping my tears off my cheeks. "Yes I've been a little distant lately but it's only because I don't want to lose you. I figured the less time I spend over here. The less we have to worry about your mom snooping around." She sighs and kisses my closed eye leads. "I'm sorry now that I say it out loud. It sounds stupid."
"Next time talk to me, ok?" I lean into her. "I love you. And I'm not going to leave you now matter what happens with my mom."
Spencer kisses me. We just sit there on my back porch holding each other. I think it's about time I talk to my mom. I think I should tell her about me and Spencer before she finds out another way. For some reason I'm not afraid. I think she knows about us on some level, and she hasn't done anything crazy yet. Maybe she'll be okay with it.
Maybe she'll be okay with it. Maybe.
Spencer's POV
Ashley and I are sitting on my bed watching Futurama. We spent the whole day together talking, laughing, and having mind blowing sex… got ta love the sex. Anyway things are good between us right now and I'm grateful for that. It's like something is always coming up and we end up arguing. But not today, today has been all smiles.
"I had fun today." I say sharing my thoughts. Ashley looks over from the TV, with a big smile across her face.
"Yeah, me too," She say leaning over and kissing me. "I love you." She says pulling away from me.
"Love you too." I say moving some hair from her face. I'm about to lean back in for another kiss, when there's a knock on my door. "Just a minute!" I yell while Ashley covers up. I get up and open the door a little and stick my head out. Jessica and Mia are at the door. "Hey guys."
"Hey… are you going to let us in or what?" Jessica says. I look back at Ashley's. She has on some boxers and a t-shirt. She catch's my eye and smiles. I open the door and let them in. They both say hello to Ashley and take a sit on my couch.
"So… that's why you haven't been answering your phone. You guys been having sex all day?" Mia says laughing. Ashley just turned five shades of red. I walk over to the bed and wrap Ashley in my arms.
"Not all day, we talked for a couple of minutes. Ashley screamed the rest…" I say laughing. Ashley blushes and punches my shoulder. I smile and give her a kiss on the cheek. "No seriously what's up. Why were you guys calling all day?" I ask getting comfortable on the bed.
"No reason. Just wanted to see what you were doing, but now that I know I wish I didn't." Jessica says and I throw a pillow at her.
"So what have you guys been doing?" I ask them. Then I look over at Ashley. It still amazes me how she can sit in a room and not say a single word. I would go crazy.
"Trying to avoid Aiden. He keeps trying to get us to hangout with his new girlfriend. Who by the way is a total bitch." Mia say and Jessica nods her head in agreement.
"We just hung out at Mia's house, when he came by we ignored him. He's our friend and all but I can't stand that girl he's with." Jessica says taking her eyes off of the TV to look at me for the first time since she got here. Futurama is one of her favorite shows.
"Yeah I know. He called me a couple of times. But as you know, I was busy." I wink at Ashley. She just shakes her head and smiles at me.
"We're going to go but we should all hang out tomorrow." I look over and see Ashley nodding her head in agreement.
"Yeah, we can hang tomorrow." I say and they both say bye and leave. I snuggle up to Ashley as we get back settled on my bed together.
"Have you ever had a girlfriend they didn't like?" She asks.
"No, because most of the girls I talked to wasn't around long enough for them to get to know. It was just a physical thing with those girls, and you don't need your friends there for that." I say being honest with her. We talk about past relationships and stuff all the time. "You're the only one that hangs out with them and they love you." She smiles when I say that.
"Have you ever hated someone one of them dated?" She asks turning around in my arms to face me.
"Oh yeah, almost every guy Jessica dated I hated. She just always picks idiots. Mia and Aiden every now and then there'd be someone they dated that I don't approve of." I say and kiss her nose. "What about you and Brooke? Did your friends like her?"
"Yeah, we were all friends before her and I hooked up. They knew she was gay and when we got together they got use to the idea of me and her." She says playing with my hair. I look at her and I can tell she's sad about something.
"What's wrong baby?" I ask concerned, she was just smiling a minute ago.
"Nothing, I just miss my friends sometimes." She says smiling sadly.
"Maybe we can go visit them when I get out on spring break in a couple of weeks." I say. "I mean if everything goes good with your mom tomorrow." Yup tomorrow she's supposed to tell her mom about us. I won't be mad if she doesn't because even just the thought of her talking to her mom is progress and I want her to take this step. I don't care what they talk about as long as they talk.
"Yeah that would be nice." She says in a whisper. "You're still going to be there when I talk to my mom, right?" I give her a kiss on the mouth.
"Yeah, I'll be there for you."
Ashley's POV
"Ashley, sweetie hand me that pack of tomatoes." My mom says.
I've been in the kitchen with her for ten minutes now. Watching her cook and trying to think of what I'm going to say. I know I'm ready, not to just come out to her but to talk to her. I miss telling her about my day, about my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams. I miss going and talking to that women who, as a kid I believed knew it all. I wonder if she knows how much I want to be able to confide in her again.
I wonder were Spencer is. She said she'd be here. I don't think I can do this if she's not here to catch me if I fall.
"Is there something on your mind Ashley?" She asks me rinsing a plate Even though she knows I don't talk, she always asks me question and talks to me. I guess she wants me to confide in her as well. At first I was going to ignore her, but then Spencer finally stepped into the kitchen and I found the voice I lose whenever other people are around.
"Yeah mom, there is." I say and the glass plate she was holding breaks when she drops it in the sink. She doesn't move, she just looks down at the broken glass. I look back at Spencer who's standing in the door way. She mouths 'love you' to me. I look back at my mom, she still hasn't moved. "Mom?" I question reaching out and placing my hand on her shoulder. She turns around and faces me.
"I haven't heard you talk in so long. Why?" She asks me.
"Silence is the most powerful scream." I tell her reciting a quote I once read about silence that I think sums up why I became a mute. "I thought if I didn't talk to you, you would get how hurt I was for the way you treated me after I was raped." I have to stop and take a breath. "Because even thought you and dad don't want to believe it… I was raped mom. And the way you reacted hurt me and there are no words powerful or strong enough that I could say or scream that can covey all that I feel." I wipe at the tears on my face. "So I let my silence speak what I couldn't say." My mom wipes some tears from my face, and leaves her hand there.
"Do you hate me?" She says with tears coming down her face.
"No mom I don't hate you. And I didn't tend on the first time we talked to be about this. I just wanted to talk to you, but I guess I had to get that out first before I… before we could move on." I tell her and she pulls me into a hug.
"God, I love you Ashley and I'm so sorry for everything." She pulls away and kisses me all over the face. "Say something sweet so I can make sure I'm not dreaming." She says pulling away to look at me. I smile and laugh at her a little.
"I have something else to tell you." I say pulling away from her and walking over to Spencer.
"Oh hello Spencer." She says I guess just noticing she was here. I grab Spencer's hand and pull her over to my mom.
"Mom, one of the reason I broke my silence was because I was tired of being trapped inside myself." I say and mom and Spencer both look at me confused, "But standing here right now I realize I was hurting and trapped inside myself long before I became quiet, because I was hiding who I was… who I am." I stop talking and wipe my eyes and intertwine my fingers with Spencer's. "Mom I'm gay and I'm in love with Spencer. I won't hide who I am any longer. I won't hide my love." I hold my breath and wait for her reaction. Spencer squeezes my hand and steps closer to me. I search my mom face to see what she's thinking. It shows no emotions.
"I know." My mom says.
"What?" I say breathing again. "You know?" I asks making sure I heard right.
"Yes, I've known for awhile." She says looking down at her hands.
"How long?" I ask needing to know.
"I knew when you were with Brooke." She say and I let go of Spencer had and start to back away from my mom.
"No… that means… please tell me you didn't know!" I yell Spencer tries to grab me but I push her away. My mom doesn't say anything. I'm pissed that she know and didn't stop my dad from setting me up on those dates with all those boys. "So if you know then you knew that I would never have sex with Rick welling. So why mom… why didn't you believe me?" I cry out. She doesn't say anything. I turn around and run up the stairs to my room. After a couple of minutes Spencer comes into the room and sits on the bed next to me. She doesn't say anything for a while, just sits there running her hands through my hair.
"Ashl…" She starts.
"I love you, but I want to be alone right now Spencer." I say turning over. She sits there for a minute longer before leaning over and kissing my cheek. She gets up and leaves the room.
I'm lying with my back turned to the door when I hear it open. I don't turn around thinking its Spencer and she just forgot something.
"Ashley can we talk." I hear my mom voice and I sit up.
"Do you plan on telling me the truth?" I ask not wanting to listen to her lie or avoid my questions.
"It's not as easy as you think Ashley. Your dad… I had no choice." She says and I remember how weak she is when it comes to him.
"No choice? No choice… it's called believing your daughter when she tells you some stupid guy forced himself on her no matter what! There is no choice, you just do!" I yell crying again.
"Your father wa…" I don't let her finish her sentence before I'm up and putting on my shoes. "Where are you going?" She asks.
"I need some air." I say then walk out the door. I walk right pass Spencer's house. I know she's probable in there worried about me but I don't feel like talking right now. So I keep on walking. Where to I don't know yet, it's light out so I'm not that scared to be walking around without Spencer. I just know right now I can't be with her. I can't be with someone who can see right through my brick walls that are suppose to protect me. I need to be able to see things the way I want. I don't need someone to point out the way they are. Not yet anyway.
TBC
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