Excuse my fan girling for a moment: I GOT TICKETS TO SEE R5 IN SEPTEMBER!
I'm sorry that it's taking me a few days to update. I've been crazy busy lately, but I love you guys! So here's the newest chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own Austin & Ally or The Disney Channel. I don't own the song lyrics.
Previously On... I Hate That I Love You
It feels like my anxiety has just gone through the roof, my head starts to pound, my heart feels like it's twisting; I become short of breath. So, this is what agony truly feels like. I can't believe how much I've just hurt him. I just broke his heart into a million pieces and that's not even what hurts the most.
What Hurts The Most was being so close.
Austin's POV
It's been three days since I've talked to or seen Ally. I honestly don't know how I got home from the hospital when I left her. I'm pretty sure Dez took my car keys, then I became a robot, numb to any feelings or any of my surroundings in a total daze and only thinking of one person.
Ally.
Ally had just sang to me her song titled Unconditionally. It truly was amazing. I thought I was finally going to get my Baby back, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Our conversation from that day replays back in my head over and over the past couple of days. So, let me tell you what happened.
...
Flashback
I remember having tears in my eyes, "Baby that was beautiful. I love that song. Was that for me?"
"Yes." I kissed her and noticed that she was slightly hesitant at first but then returned the kiss with just as much force. Her body was screaming for me. I felt it, I'm pretty sure that she did too.
"That's how I feel about you Austin, but I can't do this. I need time." Wait what? I was ready and willing and starting to fight for her, for us. I lifted her chin slightly and forced her to look at me. I looked at her hoping that she would be able to see just how much I love her and that she truly is my soul-mate. I rested my forehead against hers in a sweet gesture.
Pleading by looking directly into her eyes as we're forehead to forehead and thinking to myself, Please baby see that I love you and want only you. Please please believe in me and in us.
"I love you baby, take all the time that you need." That's what I said to her and yet she still felt miles away even when we're so close.
"Austin. I walked in on you and Piper. She was on top of you. I can't just get over that with a snap of my fingers. I think you should go. Please try to understand and respect my wishes." I was so stupid to have even considered Piper to begin with. She hurt Ally, my Ally. That stupid bitch, I will never let her anywhere near us again.
I remember caressing her cheek to get her to focus on what I was about to say, " The biggest mistake I ever made was not choosing you. No one else will ever be what you are to me." I stopped short of breath and continued nonetheless."No one." I looked at her with so much love and tears filled my eyes, that's when.. I realized that this was going to be an uphill battle. "I'm going to leave and tell Trish to come see you. I only want you. It's always and only been you."
I kissed the top of her head, turned to walk away from her, felt her grab my arm. She tried to turn me around, but I just couldn't bring myself to look at the girl that I love more than anything and the same girl who just broke my heart. My head and heart were not on the same page. My heart was ready to skydive out of the plane, where my head needed to preserve itself...I didn't have a parachute. Honestly, I thought Ally was my parachute, I thought that I was supposed to be hers, but everything was just so fucked up. I just had to get out of there as quickly as possible.
"Austy..Please. You don't have to go. I don't want you to go." My nick name. Of course she used my nick name.
"But you just said that you thought I should go." I was totally beyond confused at this point. I wanted to feel numb, what really sucks is that I could use a drink right now...but I won't. My intoxication was the reason that Ally was here to begin with because I couldn't react fast enough to keep Piper away from her.
"You have to believe that I want it to be you and me. I just - " How the fuck was I supposed to believe her at that very moment? She flat out just rejected me.
I refused to look at her, "We're endgame." It was supposed to sound confident, but honestly it was shaky. My voice was shaky. My body was shaky. My heart was shaky. My mind was shaky. Nothing was remotely solid at that very moment. I felt myself start to unravel.
"I have to go baby. It hurts too much to be here right now." I walked out of Ally's hospital room and about a minute later punched a wall in anger. It resulted in bloody knuckles, my hand ended up having to be wrapped. I apologized for punching the wall to some nurse.
...
SO then what do you think happens? I was under the impression that I would be able to get away with leaving, and no one that was still in the waiting area would see me. Yeah, fucken right. Just my luck. My best friend Dez and our friend Trish see me, and look at my recently wrapped hand.
"AUSTIN! So are you guys officially together?" Trish asks excitedly. She's almost squealing, now she's dancing just like she did when we were on tour and she told me that I was performing for the president of the United States.
I just lifted up my hand that's just been wrapped, don't say a word. She responds, "What the - . I'm going to go see Ally right now. Bye guys."
Dez looks at me with concern, "Austin! What the fuck happened? Why is your hand wrapped?" I point to the wall just down the corridor.
"YOU PUNCHED A WALL! YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR HAND, MAN! You realize that it could have jeopardized your career! You're a singer, dancer, guitar player. How on earth would you be able to play guitar with a broken hand?"
I just put my hand up signalling him to listen and just be silent for a moment. "DEZ! I'M AWARE OF THAT! As for jeopardizing my career...None of that matters. I don't want any of this anymore if I can't be with Ally. I'd give it all up for her. She's more important to me than any of that."
"Austin, I'm just worried about you, man. I hate seeing you hurt like this in every sense of the word. I can see you physically, mentally and emotionally in pain. What happened between you and Ally that cause you to do that?"
"Alright I'll tell you. So basically Ally and I were intertwined with each other."
"SO you were sucking face." Dez deadpans. I just smirk at his comment.
" So then Gavin walks in on us in a rather compromising position. Our faces were hot and flushed from hardcore making out. We look up and he's just demanding answers that smug prick. Anyways, Gavin tells Ally that he's in love with her too. He then proceeds to yank me off of Ally, then has the balls to KISS her! We started arguing and I flat out told him that she doesn't love him.."
Dez interjects, "You really did that? Whoa. Go on."
I just nod and continue, " So then, he punches me and we start going at it, stop when Ally screams at both of us, " BOTH OF YOU GET THE FUCK UP! RIGHT NOW!"
"Holy shit! She sounds like she was pissed."
"Yeah, she was. So, then she basically scolds us and tells us to go on separate sides of her bed. I interlock my fingers with Ally, then Gavin kisses her forehead. Man, it just made my blood boil. I was tempted to lunge myself across her bed and TKO that son of a bitch! Ally tells me that Gavin's right, she has always felt like my second choice. Dez, that killed me in a way that you can't even imagine that pang in my heart was way worse than any jealousy I've ever felt. That pang in my heart was because that's how badly I hurt her, she can't "fathom ever being my first choice." Then she looks at him, I start to grit my teeth, she basically tells him that he only said I love you to her out of "fear of losing her and that she doesn't think he's sincere." Gavin looks at me and starts screaming at me once again, saying how this is all my fault. She admits that she went home crying the night that they went to see The Notebook... I stop and let a tear fall right in front of Dez. I just couldn't help it.
"Ally told us that she wrote a song, that she wasn't crying about or over Gavin, she was crying over me. She tells Gavin that she came to talk to me about how she feels, but found Piper on top of me. I swear he was about five seconds from blacking out on me. She then tells Gavin that she and I have been 'together' as in intimately and that when she's with him she feels like a part of her is missing. What shocks me even more is when she said that I'm the piece of her that's missing. It sounded like what she was really saying was that we just fit together. Then, she says that I wasn't lying when I told Gavin that she loves me. She hasn't said it directly to me, but, whatever. I've fucked up multiple times, I was ready to walk away from her if that meant she'd be happy.."
Dez looks at me in awe, "That's true love man, you really do love Ally. You've learned to put her needs before your own. You'll get her man. Okay, so finish the story."
I pick up where I left off. "So she tells us that she's not choosing either of us right now. What the fuck? Right, so before Gavin leaves he tells Ally that he meant what he said. Ally then asks asks me to hand her my guitar. She wrote a song about and for me Dez called Unconditionally. It's amazing. So this verse really got to me.
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you
Unconditionally
"Wow man! You were right, that is really good." Dez smiles back at me.
"So the way that I interpreted that is that she wants all of me, that should would walk through life with me even in the worst storm. Even despite all of my flaws and fucks ups because she loves me. Unconditionally because no matter what I do she can't stop herself from loving me in the most real "raw" way possible which is vulnerable and exposed. So then Ally finishes the song and tells me that's how she really feels about me, but that she just can't do this. As in me and her being together. I don't get it Dez. I love her so much, she just flat out rejects me. So, then I tell her that "No one else will ever be what she is to me".
"I feel like I'm listening to the most romantic love story ever." Dez is actually crying. Holy shit.
"So then she tells me not to leave. I tell her that it's going to be the two of us at the end of all of this. I couldn't even look at her. I literally felt like I was crumbling on the inside. God, I feel like I'm re-living it all at this very moment just telling you. So, the last thing I say is that I have to leave because it just hurts too much right 's the most pain I've ever truly felt in my heart. It feels like my love for her is unrequited and that she'd rather kill herself metaphorically speaking than be with me and just let me love her. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone else Dez. I feel like my entire world is falling apart. "
Dez walks over to me and gives me a bro hug. He looks at me with true sympathy and I can see that what I've just told him is hurting him too. I don't normally express my feelings like this, but with Ally I'm just so different and un-guarded when it comes to my heart. I can't explain it. We look at each other, honestly, we could care less that the other is crying.
"So listen man. I need to go home."
"Well, I'm driving you Austin, because we don't need another accident."
I don't even try to argue with him. "Alright. Thanks for being my best friend."
"Of course. Let's go."
I've checked out emotionally for the time being. Not knowing what to think, how to feel, how to react, if I should react at all to any of this. I feel like I've completely shut down and numbed whatever emotions or feelings I have just to cope. It's a feeling unlike any other perhaps ever-present in my mind as current utter disbelief. Shock? Maybe that's a better word for this.
Dez had just dropped me off at our house, while I've been emotionally checked out I'm certainly mentally present. He notices the blank look on my face, but doesn't call me out on it, for that I'm grateful. I was thinking. I had remembered something earlier from our conversation that I had said to him. "None of it matters, If I can't be with Ally." After recalling what I had said earlier to Dez I'm no longer emotionally checked out. What I said to Dez gives me an idea. I know that most of my attempts at writing songs are literally an embarrassment and a total epic fail, but it couldn't hurt to keep trying. Right?
I think it would help you. I may be your mind, but I can feel how much your heart is hurting. You literally shut down emotionally before Austin, that's never happened. I don't know how to feel about that. Anyways, it seems that lately myself and your heart are connected like we haven't been before. We're on the same wavelength. I understand self-preservation, whereas your heart only understands how much you can give to Ally. How much you really do have to offer. You could make her really happy Austin. You just need to be given the chance to? So yes, let's write a song.
Day 1:
R5: If I Can't Be With You
I don't wanna be famous,
I don't wanna if I can't be with you
Everything I eat's tasteless
Everything I see don't compare with you
This is the worst feeling ever. I feel sick to my stomach over everything that's transpired as of late between Ally and I.
Paris, Monaco and Vegas,
I'd rather stay with you
If I had to choose
Baby you're the greatest,
And I got everything to lose,
She really is the greatest and I should have never taken her for granted. Her song lyrics said that she'll love me unconditionally, but then why is she so adamant about us not being together right now. I just don't get it. I don't know what I have to do for her to see how much I love her, how much she truly means to me. I have to get her to take me back. My mom was right you know, Ally's my soul-mate.
And I just want to be with you
And I can't ever get enough!
Baby give it all up, up, I'd give it all up,
If I can't be with you!
All of this stuff sucks, yeah all of this sucks
If I can't be with you!
And,
No Oscar,
No Grammy,
No mansion in Miami
The sun don't shine the sky ain't blue,
If I can't be with you!
I could sail around the whole world
But I still won't find a place,
As beautiful as you girl!
She really is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She's beautiful inside and out. I love everything about her. I even love that she likes to cloud watch, that she's not necessarily the best dancer, but she has gotten a lot better. Bottom line. I love Ally for who she is.
Those are the lyrics I completed on the first day I came home. I feel like writing is making me feel a little bit better, but not much. I miss her so much. I want to contact her, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to give her the space that I think she needs.
Day 2:
I still haven't heard from Ally, I'm starting to feel like I'm going to go absolutely crazy. I tried to sleep last night, but I only ended up tossing and turning. I want to understand where she's coming from, but I just can't believe that she's doing this to us.
And really who's got time to waste?
I can't even see a future,
Without you in it, the colors start to fade,
What kind of future do I really have with out Ally? Not one with sunshine, love and happiness that's for sure. I can't let this happen. I'm emotionally a complete wreck, I just can't seem to write lyrics today. I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling just trying to figure out what she's thinking and how she's feeling right now. I wish I could see her in person. I know that I can, but I just feel like it's too soon.
Day 3:
Yesterday was really hard for me. I found myself reflecting a lot, but it's probably because I feel like no matter what I'm eventually going to lose her. I looked at pictures of Ally and I and reminisced and beat myself up about the one time I should have told her that I love her. Gavin wouldn't have ever happened if I did. That's my only regret, not telling her that I love her before I left for my tour. I should have and I mean I know it would have been hard, we would have missed each other even more while I was gone, but I only ended up hurting both of us. It didn't make it any easier, when I was on tour, she was making her record, being away from each other was so hard. Too hard. That's when I wrote Chasin' the Beat of My Heart.
Been counting every second of the day
I'm dying to be seeing your face
Wishing you were at the door
Can't take another minute more
I was counting down the days until we would be reunited.
I realized that I love her so much that I bought her a plane ticket to anywhere to meet up with us on tour. There's no way I could last 94 days not seeing her, I had just hoped that she felt the same way. I hoped that she would end up with us on tour and it would bring us closer together. When she finally decided to make the trip, we ended up 3,000 miles away from each other. I ended up on a bus with screaming "Buttercups" when I really just wanted to be with her, spend time with her, feel close to and just be in each other's presence. When we finally got together on my tour, I ran through the backstage doors and she ran into my arms. Cliche or not, it was still the best feeling in the world. I felt like I finally had my best friend and I was going to make her my girl and that we could finally get our shit together, just be with each other. I stopped my concert three times for her in Seattle, for her. And then when she told me that she had a flight to catch, my heart stopped, literally stopped. Everything was going to be fucked up royally in a matter of seconds. The disappointment in both our voices were evident I literally had less than five minutes with her. I guess this is goodbye. I couldn't believe this. It was then that I officially decided to take a chance and made myself vulnerable and asked her to stay. Its just that everything's better with you. My singing's better, my dancing's better, my everything's better. Officially. I wanted her, I really did. I got her to stay with me for the rest of the tour, I should have realized that she stayed on tour with us because she was in love with me, but I just didn't. I don't even know if I made it worth it for her to stay, because nothing actually transpired and pushed us towards having a real and actual relationship together. Here I am stuck on Ally. It's really stupid, but we just never talked about the note that I gave her. I don't know if it's because we were busy or what, but this just all really sucks. Nothing was turning out the way I had hoped, but then again..when does life ever go according to plan? I pick up my guitar and start writing the song lyrics again.
Any way I'm gonna lose you,
And nobody in the world could ever take your place!
" The biggest mistake I ever made was not choosing you. No one else will ever be what you are to me." I really meant it when I said that to her. I can't believe that I ever took her for granted. I should have chosen her first, then I wouldn't be in this mess. Oh, Ally. I'm just so sorry. For everything.
You're the kind I can't replace!
"No one. I'm going to leave and tell Trish to come see you. I only want you. It's always and only been you." No one could or ever will replace Ally. It's true. I only want her, it always has only been her. Even when I was with other girls..Brooke, Kira, Piper. None of them were ever right, or good enough to have lasting relationships because they weren't with Ally. I want a real relationship with Ally. The one that we can fight like a married couple, be over it in two minutes and forget what we were even arguing to begin with, the kind where we go through some sort of life altering experience and it brings us closer together, the kind of relationship that when I look at her she just knows that I love her and only her. I want the kind of relationship where I'm the reason for the smile on her face. I want to become selfless instead of selfish, put her needs before mine.
And I can't ever get enough!
Baby, I'd give it all, up, I'd give it all up,
If I can't be with you!
All of this stuff sucks, yeah all of this sucks
If I can't be with you!
And,
No Oscar,
No Grammy,
No mansion in Miami
The sun don't shine the sky ain't blue ,
If I can't be with you!
None of this is worth it, being famous. I don't want to be famous if that means that I can't be with the love of my life. What's the point of it all and having all of these luxuries if you have no one special to share it with? To Love? To spoil? To cherish? Yes, that's really how I feel about her.
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
If I can't be with you!
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
If I can't be with you!
If I can't be with you!
Oh if I can't be with you!
If I can't be with you!
Oh, all of this sucks, if I can't be with you!
All of this stuff sucks, yeah, all of this sucks!
If I can't be with you!
And,
No Oscar,
No Grammy,
No mansion in Miami
The sun don't shine the sky ain't blue
If I can't be with you!
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
If I can't be with you!
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
If I can't be with you!
With you
Well it has taken three days to write, but I finally finished the song for her. Maybe that's what I need to do make myself vulnerable and act courageous, wear my heart on my sleeve, and then she'll see that we're meant to be together.
I hope that this works. I just hope. I really do love you Ally, more than you will ever know.
A/N: I worked really hard on this one, so I hope that it's good enough. Again, sorry for the wait, but I hope this is worth it. Don't worry I'll eventually get back to Ally, but Austin's the one that's going through the most right now internally. Please review, my personal would be 100 reviews by the time I finish writing this story. Thanks! xoxo :)