Not How It Seems

by Thalia's Tree

Claire's not feeling great. She hasnt for a while, and now people are starting to notice. What could be wrong? Now things have gone furthur, decisions must be made, friends will be found and love will be put to the test as Claire battle through her demons. How will the glass house gang cope with there individual and shared problems? But everything is Not How It Seems . . . . . . .

35. Chapter 35

Hey xx here chapter 35 x hope you like it . . .

Disclaimer: I do not own Morganville Vampires.

Claire's POV

"You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't see the light. Reaching for you through that stormy cloud. Now here we are gathered, in our little home town. This couldn't be the way you meant to draw a crowd.
Oh why? That's what I keep asking. Was there anything I could have said or done? Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows, what went wrong. And why,
Would you leave the stage in the middle of a song?"

I quickly grabbed my ipod and turned off the music. I really did not want to listen to any songs that talked about death or suicide. It was too . . . topical.

I had butterflies in my stomach. It was Saturday and I had a day off radiotherapy, but next Friday I have my appointment with Dr Marshel to see if I am getting better. I know that's its still a week away but I am so nervous. Sometimes I forget about it all and I am fine, but days like this where I don't feel well and I am deep in thought make me remember what I am actually doing all of this for.

I had actually starting going on these forum websites where people going through the same thing as me post their feelings and tips for how to feel more comfortable. Unfortunately for me, a lot of the people that posted on there are those who no longer have a brain tumour and are giving others advice. That's great I know but their advice mostly consists of thinking about brain surgery and how they never would have been here to day if it wasn't for the, and I quote, 'brilliant doctors drilling into my head.'

In my opinion, not helpful.

So that is why I was currently laying on my bed, listening to music to try and calm myself down. But apparently my ipod had different ideas.

I put my hand on my forehead. It was still hard to believe that something, something potentially dangerous, was growing inside of my head. Could it hear my thoughts? Was it feeding on my fear, making it grow even bigger? I wondered how big it was now. Last time I had a scan, it wasn't that big and I know its crazy to think this but, its as if I can feel it getting bigger. I know, its all psychological, but it probably was.

I sighed to myself. The doctors said I had to look after myself, but what they didn't say was that I had to look after my friends too. They may not be asking for support, but you could see it in their eyes that when I was having a bad day, they just wanted me to be normal, so I pretend like I am fine. I do that so they can feel more comfortable around me. They never know what to say or do.

I may be helping them, but holding everybody up is killing me inside. Literally.

There was a knock on the door, a nice, strong knock.

"Not now Shane." I answered, slightly grumpily. I didn't want him to see me like this.

Nether the less my partner opened the door and walked in the room. He didn't bother to greet me, or ask me how I was, he simply said. "Get up. We are going out."

I groaned. "Please don't start this again." I pleaded. "I really don't feel like going out."

"I know you don't." Shane said. When I rolled over to look at him I saw he had his arms crossed and he wasn't smiling. He looked like he wasn't going to take no for an answer, like he had control of everything. "Claire we are going out for an hour, that's it. Now come on, get up."

Again, I shook my head. "I just wanna stay in bed today Shane. I'm too tired to walk."

This time it was Shane's turn to sigh. He walk over to my bed and pulled the covers off me, to which I complained loudly. He helped me sit up and then sat in front of me on the now bare bed.

"I'll drive us to the coast, then we will take a peaceful, short stroll." When I tried to argue he put a hand up to stop me from talking. "Claire I let you stay in bed the whole of yesterday, and most of the day before. I won't let you waste your life away cooped up in this room. Besides, the docs said we had to keep you active. Please CB, just do this for me?"

I starred at him, willing him to back down, walk out of the room and close the door behind him, leaving me to feel sorry for myself. But of course that didn't happen.

I leaned forward and rested my head on his chest which was covered with a blue scruffy t-shirt. "Do I have to?" I tried once more.

Shane chuckled and kissed me forehead before moving my head so he could kiss my lips. He smiled at me sadly. "I know you don't feel well Claire, but trust me, the fresh air will do you the world of good." He bend his head down slightly so his eyes were directly in line with mine. "Okay?"

I nearly argued again, I really did, but deep down I knew he was right. What was I going to do in here all day? Sleep? I'd done plenty of that. Crying. Again, done that too many times. So in the end I nodded my head, but making sure that by my facial expressions Shane could see I was not happy.

He didn't really care. He stood up and looked down at me. "That's my girl." He smiled. Before leaving he asked, "Do you want me to get Eve to help you get dressed?"

Shocking I know, but it was a regular question now. And as much as it pained me, I replied, "Yes please." My fiancee nodded and left the room.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and attempted to stand up, soon realising that maybe I should wait until Eve gets here. Putting my head in my hands I thought 'Aren't people suppose to grow up as they get older, not return to being a baby and needing help doing simple tasks?'

As I shifted positions my ipod fell to the floor and instantly began to play again.

"Oh why, there's no comprehending. And who am I to try to judge or explain.
Oh, but I do have one burning question: who told you life, wasn't the fight?
They were wrong, they lied! Now you're gone, and we cry. 'Cause its not like you to walk away, in the middle of a song . . . "

"Oh shut up!" I hissed, angrily turning it off once more. But no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't get the last line of the Rascal Flatts' song out of my head.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxox

Shane's POV

Driving down the road I quickly shot a glance a Claire. She really did look tired, dark eyed and shoulders slumped. Her once perfect body was slowly wasting away with her lack of appetite. Her perky personality was hidden deep down inside of her, like when I had first met her, all black and bruised.

It didn't change the way I feel about her, it just made me remember what she was going through. Sometimes, the happy act that all of us know she puts on makes me forget what is actually going on inside her.

I shifted my concentration back to the road in front of me, trying to remember the route towards the sea. It was close to the far boarder of Morganville, which is why I didn't go there very often. But when I was younger, I remember my mother taking Alyssa and I on long walks there. The coast has always been a special place to me.

Okay so it was really a coast, I mean I know Morganville isn't really near the sea, but its the closest thing we have got. It is a pebble beach, and the sea if quite far out. But it feels like it is right in front of you when you are standing there, looking at it.

I took a right turn, following the directions on the road signs. You wouldn't think you could actually get lost in a small place like Morganville. Not far now.

I cleared my throat, addressing Claire for the first time in a while. "So, I'm sorry I dragged you out of bed this morning."

I could feel her looking at me, but I didn't take my eyes off the road. "Its okay." She replied. "You were right. I would only sit there feeling sorry for myself anyway."

"You have every right to babe." I told her. "But you know as well as I do that it wouldn't be doing you any good."

"I've never said thank you." Claire said suddenly. I took a quick look at her and saw that she was facing away from me. I had a funny feeling that her barriers were beginning to go up again.

I quickly found somewhere to pull in and stopped the car. Finally being to turn and look at her properly, I said. "Thank you for what?"

My fiancee shrugged, looking down at her hands. I could swear they were trembling. "For everything I guess." She started. "I've never acknowledged how much you have done for me the past few months."

"CB, I feel like I've done hardly anything." I replied honestly. "You don't let me." That earned a slight smile from Claire. I loved to make her smile.

"I know, sorry if I've been awkward, but seriously Shane, thank you."

I shook my head in astonishment. "Its okay, you know I'd do anything for you right?" Claire laughed and then leaned over and kissed my cheek. She stayed there so we were nose to nose. I stared into her beautiful, deep eyes. Even with everything that was going on, they never changed.

"I think you have proven that to me on plenty of occasions." She giggled.

"Hmm, you're right." I agreed and kissed her on the nose, making her squirm. "Now come on, I wanna get an ice-cream."

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Claire's POV

I'm not gonna lie for him, he did get us lost at some point. I guess he's never really been this far from Morganville's centre in a very long time. But the wait was worth it.

It wasn't a beach as such. There was no sand, no deckchairs, no people all crowed around one sun umbrella. But it was better.

It was a small pebble beach that really didn't go very far out, and there was a lake. The sun shone down on the water, making it sparkle like fairy dust. The country hills around the pebble beach were a gorgeous, fresh green with small yellow dandelions scattered around here and there.

"Shane I don't think you will be getting any ice-cream here." I told him as we walked hand in hand towards the deserted pebble beach. "Actually, where is here?"

Shane laughed as we continued to walk across the hills. He paused and looked out to the lake. Past it where some trees, and what looked like a country path leading to God-knows where. I saw my boyfriend squint his eyes, and I did the same, looking in the direction he was. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking for but when I saw it, I knew. Past the trees, far, far into the distance, you could just about see the mist sea line of the coast.

"I'm not really sure." Shane replied, answering my question. "That's why I found it hard to find this place. My mum used to take me and Alyssa here when we were younger. It hasn't changed one bit."

I looked up at his tall frame, and saw the distant look in his eyes. I squeezed his hand comfortingly. "You really miss them huh?" Shane never talked about his family, because they were no longer here. None of them. So we were his family now, Eve, Michael and I.

Shane didn't answer my question, not that I expected him too. He started to walk towards the pebble beach again, and I followed him, staying behind him slightly. I guessed that he might need a bit of space.

When I reached the beach, I went over to where Shane was sat on a rock and sat on the one next to him. When he spoke, he continued to reminisce.

"No one ever used to be here when we came," he began. "A bit like now. I used to believe it was our secret spot that no one else knew about. " He laughed absent mindedly to himself. "We used to stay here for hours, Alyssa and I throwing pebbles into the lake, mum telling us all these stories. Those days were what made my childhood happy." Shane smiled sadly, his eyes misty. I put a hand on his shoulder not really knowing what to say. What could I have said?

Shane looked at me and took my hand, kissing it. "Come here." He told me, motioning for me to sit on his knee. I obeyed, not worrying about if I was too heavy for him, because lets face it, everybody knew how light I was.

"You can see the coastline right?" He asked. I nodded in agreement. I could see it clearly now. Shane rested his chin in between the crook of my neck and my shoulder. "The very last time we ever came here, just before we left, my mum said something to me that I have never forgotten." He paused for a second before continuing. I had a feeling that he had never told anybody this before. "Alyssa had ran back to the car, and before I ran after her my mother had called me back. She had sat me down next to her, where we are sat now, and had pointed past the trees and to the mist line where the sea is. She . . . she said "One day, my son, you will be able to leave this place. You will be able to go where ever your heart takes you, whether it is to the sea, or somewhere better." "

I felt Shane take a deep breath, obviously trying to keep in control. "She told me to "always follow my dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem. Because there is always the chance that they will come true." I promised her that day that I would do what it takes to leave this place and live my live freely. She said that she looked forward to . . . to seeing me as a grown man, with a wife and children." He laughed. "I've chosen my wife, and one day I plan for us to leave this place. I don't know about children yet, but maybe one day."

I snuggled closer to him, beginning to feel slightly emotional. I was so happy that he was sharing his feelings with me finally, but I knew this was bringing back memories he wanted to keep hidden. I felt him sigh against my neck.

"I just wish my mum could see me now, and know that I've made my dreams come true by meeting you. I wish she knew how much she helped me when things got bad."

We feel in silence for a couple of minutes, both of us just looking into the distance. Finally I twisted around so that I was facing Shane. I took his face in my hands and kissed him sweetly. "She knows." I told him confidently. "I promise you that she knows how much you love her, how much she means to you. I'll bet anything that she is watching us here now and thinking about how proud she is of you. And I bet Alyssa is right there with her, laughing at how soft you have gotten."

A stray tear fell down my cheek. "Believe in your angels Shane. I do."

Shane wiped away both of our tears before leaning in and kissing me passionately, but gently, through it showing all his love and kindness. We broke apart and he replied. "You are my angel Claire. None of this bad stuff should be happening to you. You don't deserve it."

I nodded. "Maybe that's true, but I'd rather it be me than some other poor person. No one deserves cancer Shane, but someone has to deal with it, so maybe I'm the right person for the job."

"That's right tough stuff." He kissed me once more. "You are gonna kick this things ass back to hell." He paused for a second before saying seriously, "Thank you. I can always count on you to make me happy. Now lets go and throw some pebbles in the water. I bet I can throw mine further than you."

"Oh its on Collins." I laughed getting up and walking to the lake. I picked up a stone and tossed it as far out in the lake as I could.

"Beat that." I challenged. This should be interesting. . .

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Eve's POV

"Not now Michael." I told my husband, moving his hand off my thigh. "I'm not in the mood."

"Why not?" He whined leaning away from me on the sofa. "We have the house to ourselves for once and we don't have to worry about being quiet or getting interrupted."

I shook my head at looked at him, his blue eyes sad. "I just don't feel like it right now okay?"

"But you never feel like it anymore. I mean come on Eve, when was the last time we even had sex?"

"Michael, please don't fight me on this one." I pleaded. "Lets just watch a movie or something."

Michael, knowing better than to argue with me just nodded and put on "Ghost." I love this film so much. I know its an old one but Patrick Swayze was such a good actor, and Whoopi Goldberg just cracks me up.

We sat in silence fore the first hour, both of us sat at opposite ends of the sofa. I felt kinda bad for shooting Michael down like that. I get that he's a guy and has needs, but I'm just not all for sex anymore. Especially during the middle of the day.

Michael had begun fidgeting about 15 minutes ago, and it was obvious that he didn't want to be watching the film. Finally he stood up and said "I have to pee, be right back. Don't worry about pausing the film." Without waiting a second he left the room. Why was he being so stroppy? Surely he understands that I'm not just in the relationship for sex, even if it is good.

I sigh audibly, thinking about how I have started to over think things. For the last month or two, whenever Michael and I have gotten intimate, I haven't been able to stop thinking about not being able to have kids. I know that that's not the reason we were having sex, but it just reminded me too much.

I had told him that I was okay now, and that we didn't have to worry about it until the future when we were a bit older, but the truth was I couldn't get it off my mind. I guess I kinda wish I'd never found about about it in the first place. Because if I didn't know, then I wouldn't constantly be thinking about it for the next 20 years. Urg why is everything so messed up?

I kicked the coffee table, causing it to move half way across the room. I paused the film and got up and started pacing. I felt like there was a bubble in my heart that might burst at any second. I felt like I was hurting everybody I cared about.

I love Claire so much, she's my best friend, but lately I've felt as if I haven't been there for her as much as I should be. I've been there physically, helping her get changed, doing the washing, making her tea and helping her out in the bathroom, but I feel like I haven't been there mentally. Like I'm just going through the steps, but not putting my heart into them. I must say sorry to her when she gets home.

I feel like I'm hurting Michael. Especially Michael. He tried so damn hard to make me happy, and he did, but he knows he can't give me the one thing I really want. Children. And it hurts him to know that, I can tell. He is perfect in every way, even if he is a vampire. In some ways that makes him even more perfect. But I wasn't being fair to him. He does all these thing for me, and I do nothing for him. What kind of a wife was I?

And finally I was hurting my unborn children. I couldn't give them the life they deserved, damn I couldn't even give them life! But maybe its for the best. I mean, what kind of a mother would I be anyway? Probably a bad one. I'm always so emotional, so over dramatic. They would probably hate me.

"Eve why are you crying?" Michael's voice asked. I hadn't realised he was there, or that I had been crying. I wiped away the couple of tears that had escaped and shook my head.

"I'm not crying. Come and finish the film." I sat back down on the sofa and pressed play. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore continued to act on the TV screen. Michael sighed and came and sat next to me. I thought he was going to sit quietly and watch the film but, surprise surprise, he grabbed the remote from me and pressed stop.

His blonde head turned to me and asked, "What were you thinking about?"

I let out a breath of frustration. I knew Michael, he wasn't going to let this go until I gave him an answer. "Our children." I replied quietly.

"Eve, we don't have children." Michael told me softly.

To that I just nodded and whispered, "I know." Another tear fell down my face and this time I didn't bother to hide it. A second later strong arms held me close as I sobbed. I hated myself for crying again, but I couldn't help it. Michael made me feel so safe, and deep down I knew that I wasn't.

"Shh its alright babe." He said quietly. "I've got you." After a little while I nodded into his chest, letting him know that I had calmed down a bit. He pushed me away gently and got up, pulling the coffee table back to where it should be. He sat on it so he was directly in front of me and took my hands into his.

"Talk to me then." He ordered in good nature. "Whats gotten you upset?"

My red stained eyes looked in his. "I just wish I'd never bothered finding out. Because its killing me knowing something that I could have lived without knowing for a while. I'm just constantly thinking about it."

"So am I." Michael admitted. I frowned at him. "This affects me too don't forget. But do you want to know something?" He asked. I nodded in response. "If you hadn't of found out as earlier as you did, then we would never have had the time to try and beat it. Understand?" I kinda did. And I guess he's right. At least by knowing, we can do something about it before its too late.

"I guess." I replied. "But I don't want to think about treatment yet. Lets wait until Claire is better."

Michael agreed. "You are always putting others before yourself. That's what I love about you." I smiled. The truth was, I never really though about who I put first, I just act on instinct.

"She is what is most important at the moment. I just hope things get better for all of us." I sighed. "Sometimes I feel like its just one huge battle after another."

"It will get better I promise you." Michael's blue eyes were so convincing. I had to believe him. I had to trust him.

"Okay." I replied. I got up and straddled Michael's lap, kissing him like it was the last time I would ever get to do it. He returned the gesture and picked me up, my legs wrapped around his waist. We broke apart and shared a quick looked that we both understood.

"Are you sure?" He asked me, hoping for one answer in particular.

"Yep." I replied. "Take me Mr Glass."

"Okay Mrs Glass." That name still sent shivers down my spine. He put me down and hand in hand we ran up the stair and into his room.

Before shutting the door, Michael quickly put a tie on the handle outside, making sure that no one disturbed us.

You don't need me to tell you what happened next.

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Claire's POV

2 hours later we were back in the car, driving home. I had nearly fallen asleep a couple times in the last 15 minutes, but I forced myself to stay awake.

Shane and I had messed around on the beach for a while, throwing pebbles into the water, laughing and kissing on the hills. He had even told me some of the stories that his mother used to tell him. Some of them were so funny.

It had been a great day all in all, and I am so glad that Shane managed to persuade me to get out of bed this morning.

"So what do you say?" Shane asked he as he drove us back home. "Is that going to be our knew secret spot?"

I looked over at him. I felt kind of honored actually, it had always been his family's secret space, and now he was sharing if with me.

"Okay. " I answered. "As long as you are sure."

"Of course I'm sure." He told me. I love you more than anything, and I want to share these things with you." Underneath his bad boy attitude, he really was quite sweet.

I closed my eyes for the rest of the journey, smiling to myself, and the next thing I was aware of was Shane shaking me awake.

"We are home CB. Lets get you inside and you can rest on the sofa."

"Kk. I replied dreamily. I allowed Shane to help me out of the car and into the house. He lead me to the front room before going to get us both a drink. Michael and Eve must have been upstairs and, um, busy, because when Shane shouted up to them, they sounded a little bit angry.

Shane came back into the front room and handed me a drink of lemonade. "Thanks." I said with a smile. "For this and for today. I had a great day."

"Me too." He replied, putting his arm around me. I turned on the TV and saw that "Ghost" was on paused. I shrugged and pressed play, figuring we may as well watch the end.

About 5 minutes later Michael and Eve graced us with their presence. They were both smiling at each other and I could have sworn that Eve was glowing.

"We don't want to know." Shane said before either of them could even speak. But he was smirking, so I knew he was secretly happy for them. All four of us sat in a peaceful silence and finished watching the movie.

I must have fallen asleep at some point during the film.

I was dreaming of all the things the four of us had done together, the good things, and the scary things. All the events that had happened in the last few years have helped to shape us into the people we are today. So even thought a lot of bad things happened, everything always worked out alright in the end. And I knew that it would be the same thing here.

I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing on the table next to Shane. He groaned and shifted so he could answer it. I sat up and rubbed my eyes sleepily. Eve and Michael were still awake and were watching the TV. The film had finished. I looked at the clock which read 11:30pm. Wow, that's late for me.

Shane frowned next to me as he listened into the phone. He pulled it away from his ear saying, "Claire its for you."

Confused I took the phone off him and spoke into it. "Hello?"

Eve turned the volume down on the television, and I was aware that everyone was looking at me.

"Good evening Claire," Came a woman's voice. "This is the hospital. I'm Nurse Tracey."

"Um, okay." I replied. "And why are you calling?"

"I've very sorry Claire." The woman said softly. "We have some bad news about your friend . . ."

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Okay, don't hate me. I know its a cliff hanger, but I'll try and update soom. R&R x Bye xxx