"Dude!" Kyle looked at Hunter as if she had just suggested the sickest thing possible. "I don't want to!"

Oh. Shuffling over to the writing desk catty-corner to the window opposite Cartman's, the girl plopped herself down in the black spiny chair, leg propped against her torso as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Good, I don't want to sleep with you either."

He followed in her example and took a seat in the wicker papasan next to the bed. Being unused to such a chair, Kyle sank awkwardly into it's cushiony depths. "Good."

They looked at each other in silence, the minutes stretching uncomfortably. In the distance, they could make out the sounds of Avery tripping into the furniture, still blind from seeing his sister naked. The same question was plaguing them both, but Hunter cracked under the pressure first. "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" That was easily answered, but she didn't give him the chance just yet. "Do you play for the other team or something?"

Kyle looked away; it wasn't quite that black and white for him. There had been a fair share of girls that he had fancied throughout the years, and yet, if he was truly honest with himself, there was only one person that he had truly come to love, and it wasn't a member of the opposite sex. Stan was his best friend, ever since he could remember, and he knew that he would do next to anything for him (unless his own interests or beliefs countered that), and for the most part, that meant playing the role of friend, not lover. Stan had Wendy for that... Wendy. Pft, the fucking bitch.

Regardless of where he stood in terms of his sexuality (he was pretty mutual when it came to teams he'd play for), it wasn't like he felt like getting into it now. But on the one hand, he did know Hunter's secret, so wasn't it fair that she should know something about him? Yeah right, fuck that noise! "No!"

Perhaps it was the speed in which Kyle replied, or maybe it was just the way that he denied it, but Hunter could just tell that he was lying. "Bullshit. I call shenanigans!"

"You wo-"

Kyle was cut off by the window breaking as something large, lumpy, and brown was thrown into the room. Having narrowly missed her head, the glass shining in the late afternoon sun, a large unbaked potato sat amongst the shards, a note tied around it's middle. Although it was obviously intended for Hunter, Kyle picked it up and extracted the note with only a single snag on the string. Whoever had thrown it was probably long gone by now, so there was little point in trying to catch the culprit - besides, Kyle had a good guess as to had thrown that potato.

She was still trying to recover from the projectile almost skewering her head, so he read the note aloud, "'Welcome to the neighborhood'. Welcome to the neighborhood?" This screamed the kind of thing that Cartman would do, but it was still too early for him to be back from detention, and besides, only Butters would do something this lame. It was probably the r-tard acting on fatass's orders. "Dude, I think you really pissed Cartman off."

"Lard of the Bitches?" Hunter snorted at the play on words, recovering somewhat as she took the letter from Kyle and read it for herself. "This is so archaic. Doesn't he realize that we're not in the age of barbarians anymore? This is the dawn of technology, of a smear campaign on the internet."

Kyle shook his head, genuinely worried for the girl. "Seriously, you can rip on Cartman all you want, but you never want to piss him off. He made this one kid eat his own parents, and when he realized that the kid was his half brother, all he cared about was being part ginger. Cartman's fucking evil."

Oh, she was rattled now. Not. "I'm so scared."

"You should be." Kyle looked at Hunter as if she had just been diagnosed with a terminal disease. "From the looks of this, Cartman's declared war. You might laugh at this now, but you should be careful, and don't let him find out anything about you, because he will use it."

Still skeptical about what Eric could possibly do to her, Hunter carelessly tossed the potato into her wastebasket, sitting down once more at her desk. "So say I did take this threat seriously, what would you recommend I do?"

Thinking about it, Kyle realized that it might have been too late already. "Jesus Christ, are you some kind of nudist or something?! He saw you this morning. Before school, Cartman saw you naked. Knowing the dipshit, if he hasn't put it together yet, it's only a matter of time."

Offended since this was a free country and she had the right to be naked in the privacy of her home (especially her room), Hunter scowled. "Hey, I thought I was alone when you barged in on me! And I was in my room this morning!"

Oh no, she wasn't even trying to blame him for that! "The light wasn't on! How was I supposed to know that anyone was in the bathroom!"

"I was getting out of the bathroom, and I turn off the lights before I leave!" She personally viewed it as a weird habit, but that's just how the new girl in town rolled. "I never meant for anyone to see me naked!" She blushed, focusing her attention on the corner of her bed furthest from her guest as she confessed, "It might sound weird after-" she waved her hand nervously around, "this, but I grew up in a rather traditional way when it comes to things like sex."

Baffled by what that meant, Kyle was forced to inquire. "What the fuck is the 'traditional way'?!"

The blush spread, "You know..." Kyle's face indicated that he did not know what she was talking about. "I guess I'd compare it to being like a nun... I was kept away from boys... Sure, I went to school with them, but my dad always made sure I was too busy looking after the house and my little brother to date. That's probably another reason I find it easier to dress like a dude."

Wait, did that mean that Hunter was...?! "Holy shit, are you a virgin?!" By this point, even Scott Malkinson had gotten laid.

Her glower returned. "Hey, this isn't the 'Hunter Tells All Hour', so butt-out!" She glanced over at the clock, and seeing the time, she jumped out of her office chair. "Shit, I should have started dinner ten minutes ago! You're ok with hamburger, right?"

"What?" Were they supposed to stay over for dinner? Might as well, since going home meant having to put up with his parents that much sooner. "Whatever."

Nodding, she opened the door, only half surprised to see Kyle's little brother with his head glued to the wood. He straightened up and tried to act cool, as if he hadn't just been caught. "Sup, babe? You know, if you ever need your strange tamed, I'm way better at it than Kyle."

"Dammit Ike!" Kyle exclaimed from the bowel seat he was struggling against.

Groaning, Hunter realized that more people knew her secret than she would have liked. But at least two of them she had a chance of dealing with... An idea suddenly struck her, "I bet you are." Shooting a warning glare over at Kyle, she smiled sweetly at the younger teen, "You know, it would be a really big help if you could go in the kitchen and warm up the deep friar for me." She batted her lashes for extra effect, "I mean you're such a good man, aren't you? Way more helpful than your older brother."

Vaguely suspicious, Ike looked sideways at her breasts, trying to size them up. "What are you, B-cup, C-cup?"

Biting back her pride, Hunter replied in her silkiest voice. "B-cup. But I'm sure you could figure out how to make the best of it. Couldn't you Ike?"

"You're damn straight I could." He looked at her, using mental math to figure out the chances of him scoring. Obviously he liked what he came back with, because he agreed. "Alright, babe, but don't take too long. I'm starving."

So Ike wander off back to the kitchen, dragging a bat-like Avery in his stead. Once he was gone, Kyle rounded in on Hunter. "What the fuck was that!?"

Grinning mischievously, Hunter closed the door with a light snap. "Just because I don't act like a girl doesn't mean that I can't. As a wise woman once said, 'these are smart bombs. Just point them in the right direction, and shit gets real'."

Repeating himself, Kyle was seriously under the impression that she was going to try something on Ike. "What the fuck was that!?"

Sensing his anger and understanding it as a protective older sibling, Hunter explained her plan. "Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything with him. I'm just buttering him up so when I ask at dinner if he'll keep my secret, he'll agree." Kyle gave her that Ike would be more inclined to agree to help if he thought that it meant he was going to get something in return. "And before I make dinner, I wanted to ask you something..."

It should be noted that I don't personally hate Wendy. I don't really like her either, but that's not why Kyle is scoffing at her. No, the only one I'm blatantly taking my dislike for out on is Cartman, but even then he's not completely my whipping boy. And yes, that wise woman was Megan Fox in 'Jennifer's Body'.

I do not own South Park, that's all on Matt and Trey, but I do own Hunter and Avery!

[Edit: 9/14/14 - Yet more edits. Yay!]