Morning dawned gold and bright over the rooftops in South Park, the pink in the sky dancing playfully against the powder-capped mountains. In the distance, birds chirped high up in the frosty trees, storing their fat up for the coming winter. The sun hung low and lazy against the horizon, burning a pale yellow, strips of which filtered through the windows of sleepy inhabitants. Taped for the cold, one window was blocked by some kind of thick board, perhaps of the poster variety. And down at the front door - passed the dull broken grass and potted flowers - there was a young man, taking a shit just outside the door.

He grunted as he loosened his stool on the small walkway. "Let that show you to fuck with Eric Cartman, you fucking bastard! Oh! Yeah, that's it..."

Eric pulled up his trousers and crossed the lawn, back to his own house. He hadn't done this kind of thing in a while now (unless you counted doing it to Kyle every single morning), but this fucker had to go! It was one thing to hit him in front of the guys - had Hunter apologized and groveled and bent to his every demented whim, Cartman might have found it in himself to forgive the new kid - but he was trying to uproot him as the coolest kid in the group! Everyone idolized Cartman, so he wasn't about to have all those years of hard work shattered by some uppity new comer...

And the best part was that this would only be the beginning! Once he found out more about that queer...

Shuffling off to harass his mother into making him breakfast, more people started to gradually wake up around the block, including the next door neighbors. True, it wouldn't be another hour or so until the Bloodworths found Cartman's gift to the family, but Eric kept his ears peeled all morning, just waiting for that sweet moment of outrage, confusion, and discovery. Oh, what a sweet moment that could be! And who knows, if they had a weak enough stomach, they might even get the hint and leave right away. That would be fucking sweet!

Unfortunately, he wasn't that blessed. Foregoing a shower and sitting just away from his front door, Cartman watched expectant as a greedy child at Christmas during that slow stretch of time, basking in the divine visions of Hunter and his family leaving South Park for good. Just a little longer before...

"Oh, Goddammit! Hunter, Hunter, get out here and clean this up!" Mr. Bloodworth - heading out early for work - called inside the house as his foot stepped heedlessly into the heap of shit. He liked to be at work as early as possible, but now he wouldn't get that jump! "I have to go change! Just great!" He stormed back inside the house, barely scooting aside for the boy.

Changing places with his father, Hunter stepped outside, a small pooper-scooper in hand. He was already dressed for school, but his hat wasn't on, showing that he had tied his hair up in a large bun to be concealed later. Interesting... That was a sign of hippidom, and yet Hunter didn't act anything like a hippie, and besides, his father seemed liked the kind of tight-ass that would shave his son's head in his sleep before allowing him to be a pothead... Yes, very interesting...

Cleaning up Cartman's gift, the other 'boy' frowned. "Disgusting." Going up to the trash bin outside by the mailbox, he discarded the unwanted fudge cake. Noticing that Cartman was watching him, Hunter called out to the junior Nazi. "Did you see anyone around here?"

Sniggering in a knowing kind of fashion, Eric attempted a crude show of concern. "No, not at all. It must have been some stray."

"No, I had a dog before moving up here, so I know that this wasn't dog shit. Someone took a crap on my lawn." She thought back to what Kyle had told her last night while rattling off a list of things Cartman had done, all while giving her some of his mom's Kosher recipes (at Hunter's own request) so next time he and Ike didn't have to miss out on a chunk of the menu. "You sure you didn't see anyone else out here?"

Dammit, that dirty Jew-rat bastard! Kyle must have tipped the cock-stain off at some point of his brilliant schemes of the past... Cartman would have wondered when they had become so chummy, had he not seen Kyle and Ike getting picked up from Hunter's house late last night. So they thought that they could team up to take him down, did they?

Dropping all pretense, Cartman glared over at Hunter. "You can tell your best pal Kyle that I'm on to you two bastards and your plot to supplant me as the coolest kid in the school. You can also tell him that he will never be cooler than me, even if I died tomorrow in the most uncool way possible!"

"What?" Hunter was beyond baffled by Cartman's delusions.

Pointing at the girl he thought was a boy, Cartman continued, "Mark my words, I will bring you down, and you will wish that you and your whole fucking ass-kiss family never heard of South Park!"

Again, all she could do was blink at Cartman, utterly lost. "Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?"

In truth, she couldn't honestly deny that she and Kyle weren't in league together, because they were planning to go to that game. To help her make friends. To... Well, technically she wasn't expecting her gift to help her win over over Kenny, but she could hope that the experience would help them be that much more likely to become friends. But as for the rest of what he was saying, there was absolutely no truth to it, not even enough to shake a stick at. She figured that like Mel Gibson, he must be a bit daffy.

"Poopsikins," Ms. Cartman called out to her son. "Don't forget your lunch money!" Standing in the doorway of her home, Ms. Cartman saw that Eric was talking to Hunter. She waved cheerfully. "Hello! You must be one of the new neighbors. I'm so sorry little Eric and I haven't been able to come visit you yet!"

Awkwardly so as to not touch herself with the pooper-scooper, Hunter returned the gesture. "Not at all. Dad's been super busy at work anyways, so it'll probably be a week or two before he can meet anyone proper."

Liane looked slightly putout. "Is that right? Well, we'll just have to come over next week then."

"Alright. Just so long as you don't bring Cartman." Hunter's eyes widened. "Did I just say that last part out loud?"

Cartman, hating to be denied anything, screamed like a child. "You fucking piece of shit! As if I wanted to go over to your fucking house!"

Ms. Cartman frowned at her son, "Now, now Eric, we need to be neighborly."

"Hunter?" Avery was standing in the doorway. His sight had gradually come back to him over the course of the night, but he still couldn't look at his sister without everything in sight fading to black. He looked over at the Cartmans. "Hi. Dad wants you."

Wondering what about now, he vanished inside the house, leaving Avery alone with Eric and his mother. "Oh, you must be little Avalon."

He didn't mind correcting an adult. "Avery, dumb bitch."

She was used to such treatment, and therefore unfazed. "Right, Avery. Have you met Eric yet?"

Kyle was talking about him with Hunter in the kitchen after dinner, but he had been shooed from the conversation, so he had no idea what they were saying. They did a lot of talking in private. Too bad that Hunter was more preoccupied with sports than sex, because she wouldn't have been bad with Ike's older brother. Then again, he would have been happy with her being with anyone, so then she would be too busy to do like their father asked and watch him. He wasn't a kid anymore, he could look after himself!

"No." This was actually the first time he had even heard Cartman's first name.

Always the evil, manipulative prick, Cartman saw a very great gold mine of information. "Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot that Hunter even had a brother! He didn't mention you once all day!" Seeing the look of scorned indignation on Avery's face, Cartman cast his bait deeper into the waters. "In fact, he was even saying how he loved being an only child."

Scowling, Avery looked like he could punch something. "Hunter said what?!"

Cartman nodded, "Oh, yeah, he kept telling the guys that he had only one thing in life that he truly loved-"

Winded, Avery now looked as of he had been punched. "Hunter would choose sports over me?!" He looked like he was going to cry. "Figures. That fucker is too busy practicing to enjoy anything!" Vengeful, Avery let slip one of his sister's secrets, "Hunter likes to talk a big game, but she has even been a a single date!"

It was as if Christmas had come early, and came back for more. "No fucking way! So he's a virgin?!"

Ms. Cartman had just been about to go inside when she overheard that. "Oh! My."

Looking over his shoulder once, Avery unknowingly hit the first nail in the coffin door. "Just ask. Hunter'll get all huffy and try to change the subject, but it's just a cover. I know for fact that Hunter has never even kissed a guy before." He caught himself, reminded bitterly of his promise last night. Pissed off as he was, his father taught him that you had to wait at least a month before you could break confidence. "Or a girl."

Cartman could almost hear the Hallelujah chorus...

Yes, that was a very lame joke about the upcoming game. Yay! Because adults are that stupid, and children that gullible.

I do not own South Park, that's all on Matt and Trey, but I do own Hunter and Avery!

[Edit: 9/14/14 - Small edits again.]