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The Truth
Soda was holding him almost before he realized he was awake. "Pony? Ponyboy wake up," he urged, wrapping him tight in his arms, one hand rubbing his back. "Come on, kiddo…it's okay. You're okay."
He gasped, eyes wide as he looked up at his brother. Was it different? Was it over? "Soda?" he asked, looking around the room wildly as though he might find some kind of evidence one way or the other in his bedroom. No such luck…everything looked the same. He was crying…tears poured down his cheeks as he struggled to stop sobbing. Had he gotten out? Was it the next day? Had Soda stayed with him all night? Had he just fallen asleep after Dally had been shot? "What…what happened yesterday? What day is it?"
"It's Saturday," Soda told him quietly. "You guys were in a fire, but you're okay."
He wasn't okay. It was the same fucking day.
He was going to go insane. Was that what whoever was doing this wanted? Should he just end it himself? Wait until his brothers left for work, slip into Darry's room, grab that loaded pistol he kept locked in the closet, and just pull the trigger? Hope that that broke the cycle somehow? Or maybe, he thought, still crying, he should just swallow everything in the medicine cabinet. Go to sleep.
The last time he'd died, it had all just started over again…but his death had been an accident then. If it wasn't an accident, would whoever was doing this let him just…opt out? End it?
"Ponyboy? Honey, what's wrong? Did you have one of those nightmares?" Soda asked, sounding bewildered.
"Yeah," he whispered, figuring that was the easiest way to explain it. Soda gripped him tighter, rubbing slow circles on his back.
"It's alright, honey…it wasn't real."
That just made him cry harder, fingers clutching at the back of his shirt. It wasn't real…that was the problem!
"Pone…" his brother murmured, smoothing his hair back and resting his hand on his head. "Hey…what's wrong?"
What was wrong? There was no way to answer that without sounding absolutely insane. But, he thought, who better to confide in? Even if Soda did think he was crazy, at least he'd listen. And it would only last one day anyway. He could live with Sodapop thinking he was nuts for one day. So, not pulling away or letting up his grip on Soda's shirt that he was probably stretching out, he made a rash decision. "Soda?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you stay home today? Please?" When he pulled away just enough to meet Soda's eyes, he saw concern turn to confusion, then flash back to worry. He had to know that Pony wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. Ponyboy didn't beg for stuff like this…not when he knew it would cost them money they couldn't afford to lose. "Please, Soda. Please," he asked again, and slowly, Sodapop nodded.
"Okay…sure, Pone. I'll stay. Just let me call my boss, okay? We can play hookey." He tried to smile, but he couldn't hide his worry when Pony just kept crying, not able to stop himself. "I'll be right back."
Pony dropped back onto his pillow, closing his eyes and listening to Soda's soft voice in the other room. He was so tired…so…beaten down. Exhausted.
Hopeless.
Would this ever end? It didn't look like it.
It wasn't long before he heard Darry moving around in the other room too, and their quiet conversation carried into his bedroom through the otherwise silent house.
"I just called my boss…I'm gonna stay home with Pony today."
"You sure?" Darry asked, and Pony could just imagine him crossing his arms, concern painted all over his face.
"Yeah…something's going on, Dar. Something's wrong with him."
"What do you mean?"
"He woke up crying…like…like he couldn't stop. And he was begging me to stay home. You know he don't do stuff like that."
Darry was quiet for a moment. "Maybe I ought to take him to the doctor. Was it a nightmare? Like those ones he was having before?"
"He said it was but…but he never had one like this.
Pony wiped his face before Darry came in to check on him, not wanting both of his brothers to stay home. No way he'd get to talk to Soda alone if Darry was hovering. But he knew he must still look bad because Darry took one look at him before resting the back of his hand on Pony's forehead.
"Hey…you feeling okay?"
He nodded, lying for the thousandth time. "Yeah…I'm alright."
"Soda said you had a nightmare."
He nodded again.
"Was it one of those you can't remember?"
"Yeah." What was one more lie? None of it mattered anyway.
"If you start having those again, I'll take you back to that doctor…" He hesitated, pulling his hand away. "You feel kind of warm. You sure you feel alright?"
"Just tired." That, at least, was somewhat true. It just wasn't the whole truth.
"Come eat breakfast. You must be hungry…when was the last time you ate anything?"
He thought back, thoughts scrambled as he tried to remember the actual timeline and not the messed up one he was living. "Uh…Dally took us out for lunch. We got Dairy Queen." That felt like years ago now.
"That's been a long time, Pone. Come on…I think Soda's got breakfast started. You want eggs? Or some cake?"
Pony just shrugged. It didn't matter. Still, Darry pulled him to his feet, hovering right behind him, and he guided Pony into the kitchen just as Two-Bit and Steve showed up, right on time. They stopped when they saw Darry leading him to the kitchen table, and to his surprise, Two-Bit didn't grab him or anything. They glanced at each other instead, and then over at Sodapop who was at the stove instead of taking a shower like he was supposed to be.
"Hey, Ponyboy!" Two-Bit grinned real big as he dropped into a chair across from him. "Look at you! Where'd all your tuff hair go?"
He tried to muster a smile and must have failed because Two-Bit's grin dropped.
"You okay, kid?"
No. He wasn't okay. He was losing his mind. Maybe he'd already lost it. He was trapped reliving the same day over and over and was seriously considering using Darry's gun to try and get himself out of it. But he couldn't say any of that, so he just nodded.
"Yeah. Tired," he told him, using the same lie he'd used on Darry. Two-Bit didn't seem any more inclined to believe him, especially since Soda and Steve were talking real quiet on the other side of the kitchen.
Pony managed to choke down the eggs Soda put in front o fhim, watching as their buddies ate some cake and then headed out, Steve to work and Two-Bit to…well, he wasn't actually sure. He hadn't caught that part of the conversation. Darry squeezed his shoulder before he left, ordering him to take it easy, and Ponyboy had to force himself to his feet when it was time to get started on the dishes that they'd left behind.
Soda helped him clean up, then once they were done, he patted him on the back, leaning against the counter beside where he stood at the sink. "Okay, kiddo. You want to tell me what's going on? No way you missed me that much," he teased, but Pony couldn't stand to leave that joke out in the open.
"I missed you more than anything, Soda," he murmured, remembering being in that church with Johnny and wishing so hard for his brother. He remembered reading that letter and the money Soda had sent, and he wondered if that had burned up in the fire too…it must have. He didn't know all that much anymore, but he knew he'd missed his brother more than anything in the world.
Soda's eyes softened. "I missed you too, kid. Glory, I thought Darry and Dal were going to rumble…he was this close to forcing Dally to talk. And you know he would have."
Pony nodded, trying to smile. "I know. He would have gotten Dally to talk in five minutes flat."
Soda chuckled, but his eyes were serious. "Can you tell me what's going on?"
"You won't believe me," Pony whispered, shaking his head and smiling sadly at the ground. He didn't actually know why he was bothering with this. Maybe because, deep down, he still held out some hope. Or maybe he just needed his brother to be in this with him…maybe he couldn't stand being so alone anymore.
Soda surprised him when he grabbed him by the shoulders, leaning in so that they were eye to eye, and Pony couldn't make himself look away. "Of course I'll believe you. Pony, it's me!" Soda smiled a little, but he was serious. "You can tell me anything."
Pony had to smile. His brother was nothing if not consistent. "It's going to sound insane," he warned him, figuring it didn't matter. Not really…none of this was real.
What wasn't real couldn't hurt him. It was a lie he told himself but even he didn't believe it anymore.
His brother led him over to the sofa, the two of them sitting side by side. Then, clasping his hands together, he leaned in. "Alright kid. Talk to me."
Ponyboy closed his eyes, trying to figure out how to say it. Now that he was faced with actually trying to tell the truth, he felt his heart clench in worry. "You're going to think I'm crazy."
"I already know you're crazy," Soda teased him with a grin, and he managed a smile.
"I…" Pony took a deep breath, figuring he had nothing to lose. Literally. "I know what's going to happen today."
He was quiet. Confused. But then he nodded like he was willing to play along. "Okay…" he said slowly. "What's gonna happen?"
"Johnny's gonna die. Tonight after the rumble." Soda's eyes softened, but Pony went on quick. "And Dally's gonna lose it. He's going to hold up a convenience store. Then he's going to call here and ask you guys to hide him from the cops. We all run out of here…meet him at the park. But the cops show up and he's going to point that gun he carries around at them and…and they're going to shoot him."
His brother just stared at him, eyes wide. "Okay…and how do you know that's going to happen?"
Pony sighed. This was the hard part. "Because it already happened. This whole day…it's happened to me already. I keep living through it over and over…a bunch of times. And at the end of every night, I just wake up here again." He kept talking, not wanting Soda to give a chance to question it…or get started on having him committed. Although, he thought wryly, at least if he was committed, they might get him on some good drugs that might make him forget about all this. The thought was almost tempting. "I tried to change it. I…I tried…I tried talking to Johnny and I tried to do things different and…and I tried to stop them from shooting Dal but no matter…"
Soda cut in, voice oddly urgent. "Wait…you tried to stop the cops from killing Dally?" he asked, leaning in.
He paused, looking up at Soda and nodding a little. "Yeah. Twice."
He waited for Soda to laugh. To tell him that he was crazy. To ask him if he was on drugs. But Soda just stared at him…like he was trying to remember something. "What happened?" he asked softly, his eyes glued to Pony's.
"Which time?"
"When you tried to save Dally. What happened?"
Pony dropped his eyes…he hadn't wanted to talk about this. But he was asking Soda to believe something big…something insane. So the least he could do was tell the truth. "I…the first time I tried it, I grabbed him…tried to get him to stop. I snuck out my window after the rumble and went to the lot to wait for him." Soda just watched him, waiting. "They…I was too late. They fired anyway. I'd grabbed him but they shot anyway…they didn't shoot him though."
"They shot you."
He nodded, hesitant. "Yeah."
"You…" Soda huffed out an incredulous laugh, putting a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. When he spoke, his voice was so soft Pony could hardly hear him. "You said you were sorry. You told us you loved us…me and Darry. And…and you told us it wasn't real."
Pony felt his jaw drop. "How did you know that?"
Soda gave him a weak smile. "Because I've been having that nightmare all week, kiddo."
"That's not possible," Pony whispered, shaking his head. "None of this is possible! It was days ago! But not for you! Those days weren't real!" He fisted his hands in his hair, leaning over, elbows on his knees. That night so long ago wasn't supposed to bleed into their dreams like this! "You're not supposed to believe me."
"I'll always believe you, Pony." And when he looked his brother in the eye, he could tell he meant it. This was impossible. Things like this didn't happen. But it was happening and Sodapop believed him.
Pony felt like the weight that had been starting to crush him over the last few days was getting a little lighter all of a sudden…like Soda was there with him, helping him carry it, even though he hadn't even done anything yet. He was still stuck reliving the same day over and over…but at least he wasn't alone. For the first time in so long, someone was with him! Really with him!
"I don't know what to do," he whispered, the words falling out as he looked desperately at Soda. "I keep trying to change things but…it doesn't make a difference. Johnny always dies. And so does Dally. Or…or me. And I always wake up on the same morning no matter what I try to change!"
"How many times?"
He hesitated, then figured there was no reason not to tell him. "This is the thirteenth day."
Soda nodded a little to himself. "Will you tell me about the other days?"
So Pony did. He told him about the first day, and then about the first time he'd repeated it…how he'd done a lot of the stuff the same. He told him about the second and third…how on the fourth day, he'd died in their arms. Soda reached out and gripped his knee, listening quietly as he told him about the other days...about giving up on saving Johnny and just trying to save Dally but how even that hadn't worked. About the days he'd spent in bed. About the night he'd left the hospital and had run until he couldn't anymore. He even told him about that last night… about telling them everything while he had a fever and Soda asking if he was on drugs.
"I thought about it," he admitted in a whisper, knowing he shouldn't say this. "Me dying on accident didn't do anything but if I did it on purpose…just took everything in the medicine cabinet…maybe that would work." He couldn't meet Soda's eyes while he said it, but he still kept going. "Or I could get Darry's gun…"
"Stop," Soda choked out, reaching out and grabbing his shoulder. "Pony…stop," he begged, shaking his head. "Please…don't…"
"It doesn't matter," Pony told him softly. "It's not real, Soda."
"Quit saying that," he demanded. "You were saying that….you were dying but you kept telling me not to worry because it wasn't real!"
"It's not." Pony smiled a little. "If I went and got Darry's gun right now…"
"Stop!"
"I'd just wake up in that bed again." Pony spoke over him, willing him to understand. "And you wouldn't even remember. I'd have to try and convince you again."
"You ain't going anywhere near that gun! Glory, Pony!" He gripped him by the shoulders, shaking him. "You hear me? Don't even think about it."
"I just…I don't know what to do," he admitted in a whisper.
"Not that, I'll tell you right now. Not that. Not ever."
Pony nodded, knowing that Soda wouldn't remember the next day…that his promises didn't matter. "Other than that, I don't know what to do. Nothing I try seems to make any difference."
"Do you think telling me will change it?"
"I hope so," he whispered, eyes hot as he dropped his head onto his brother's shoulder. "I'm so tired, Soda. I don't even know if this is really happening."
Sodapop wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder and letting him talk.
"It doesn't make any sense! I wanted to fix it…to go back and fix what I did! But it's not far back enough! I can't save Johnny if he's already hurt!"
"What do you mean, fix what you did?"
"It's my fault Johnny got hurt…that he's going to die."
Soda's voice softened and he shook his head. "Honey, that ain't your fault."
None of them thought it was his fault. Even if Pony knew they were wrong, it still made him smile a little to know it. All of them but Darry had told him it wasn't his fault…that they didn't blame him for all this. Even Steve! But he knew the truth. And even if there was no point in arguing, he did it anyway. "Yeah it is. I fell asleep in the lot. Got into it with Darry," he recited with a shrug.
"That don't mean you meant for any of this to happen." He squeezed him in a tight hug, but Pony went on.
"I said I wanted to fix it. I don't know who I was talking to or nothing…I just…I kept saying I wanted to fix it. But I don't know how."
Soda was quiet beside him for a long time, rubbing a hand up and down his arm.
"What if none of this is even happening?" he finally asked, his voice a whisper. "What if I'm just crazy, Soda?"
Sodapop squeezed him. "You aren't crazy." His voice was defensive…all their lives, Soda had defended him. He'd never let anyone say anything bad about Ponyboy…he'd defend him no matter what. Even if he was crazy, Pony knew that Soda would still stand up for him, so his words weren't much of a comfort.
"I don't know what to do."
"We're going to figure it out, okay? There's got to be something we can do." He thought for a second, then when he spoke, he sounded hesitatnt. "Have you tried asking whoever did this to…you know…stop?"
Pony snorted. "Tried it."
"Alright. And you tried talking to Dally…"
"Yep. He gave me a concussion."
Soda's eyes flashed, jaw going tight, but it hadn't actually happened so there was no way he could get him back for it…not that Pony wanted his brother to fight Dallas anyway. He was quiet again, and Pony marveled at the fight that he was actually trying to figure this out…that Sodapop had believed him about something so insane.
"Okay. Why don't we go see Johnny?"
His brows furrowed. He'd told Soda about the first day and what he'd done…how he'd visited Johnny and talked to Randy and Cherry…how he'd started feeling worse as the day had gone on.
Like he was reading his mind, Soda went on. "You've done all this, but you haven't done it with me," Soda reasoned. "So…maybe we can change something."
And, since Pony didn't have any better ideas, he agreed, the two of them catching the bus and riding it across town to the hospital. Before they went in, Pony led him to the corner store nearby, buying that same copy of Gone with the Wind that he'd bought at least twice now. "We were reading it at the church," he explained after handing over the same money he'd used just about every day. "He always asks for a copy."
Once inside the hospital, he figured they would have to beg to see Johnny, but Pony knew just what to say, so he wasn't worried. So he was surprised when the nurse nodded as soon as they started to ask. "Yes, another one of his friends is already with him…make sure you keep the noise level to a minimum and try not to excite him. He needs rest."
They practically ran into Two-Bit when they went to step inside Johnny's room, Soda tense beside him. "Hey…I was just about to run over to the corner store. He wants a copy of…" Two-Bit trailed off when Ponyboy held up the book, eyes going wide as he grinned. "Shoot kid, you must be a mind reader or something."
"Or something," he muttered, letting Two-Bit take the book and heading back inside, Soda grinning a little at his side. He knew that Soda already believed him, but it was nice to have some evidence.
"Hey, Johnnykid, guess what Pony brought," Two-Bit called softly, his voice so gentle it made Pony's heart clench.
Soda started to follow him in, but before Pony could step into the room, he spotted the doctor rounding the corner and got an idea. "Go on in," he told Soda. "I'll be right back."
Obviously confused but not about to argue, Soda nodded and let the door shut behind him as Pony hurried over to the doctor.
"Sir?" he asked softly, not wanting anyone in Johnny's room to hear them, and the doctor glanced up from his clipboard. It was the same guy Pony had seen every day and he'd always been friendly, so Pony was willing to take a chance.
"Hi…can I help you?"
"Yes sir…um…I'm a friend of Johnny Cade's. I was in that fire with him and Dally. I'm Ponyboy Curtis."
He nodded, lowering the clipboard he'd been pouring over. "Right. Nice to meet you, Mr. Curtis."
Mr. Curtis was his father. Or Darry. But he dismissed that thought as soon as it came. "So, um…I'm worried that Johnny's mother is going to come here." The doctor raised his eyebrows but he went on. "She hits him…her and his dad. They…they scream at him and hit him…he sleeps outside half the time to keep away from them." Never in his life had he said those words to an adult, but he was desperate. Maybe Sodapop had been right…maybe him knowing could actually change things! "If she comes, it's going to make him real upset and she might even yell at him. And I know she's his mother but…can you make sure she don't get to see him? Just today while he's feeling so bad?" The doctor's eyes went soft and sad and Pony knew that he knew…there wasn't going to be any more than today for Johnny. But that didn't matter right now. "Please. She'll make it worse. I swear…ask either of my buddies or even Dallas! All of us know. Please don't let anyone tell Johnny if his mom comes to see him. Just for today. Please."
The doctor gave him a long, considering look. Then, to Pony's surprise, he nodded, still looking sad. "Alright. I can do that. I'll let her know that he can't have any visitors just yet."
Pony grinned, eyes heating up as a wave of gratitude made him want to reach out and grip the doctor's hand. "Thank you, sir."
When he slipped into Johnny's room, shutting the door as quietly as he could behind him, neither Soda nor Two-Bit seemed to notice. Soda was talking real quiet to Johnny, a hand resting on his arm as he fought to keep his smile.
"You're a hero, you know that? You and Pony…they wrote about you in the papers and everything! If it hadn't been for you, those little kids would have died. You two sure are brave."
Ponyboy's heart ached when Johnny smiled. He knew there wasn't much better in the world than Sodapop being proud of you. Closing his eyes for a second, he took a deep breath then went to sit in a chair off to the side. Soda and Two-Bit kept talking to him…they told him about the week while him and Pony had been gone, and about how Two-Bit was going to go to Texas. They told him about how Darry just about got into it with Dal, but how Dally had refused to tell anyone where they were.
"My parents?" Johnny asked at one point, and Pony watched Sodapop flinch.
He didn't lie though. "They didn't come to us or nothing…I don't know if they talked to the fuzz."
"Probably…just complained…about me," Johnny rasped, closing his eyes, and Two-Bit gripped his hand.
"Hey…they don't matter, kiddo. We were all worried sick about you two, you know. I really would have gone to Texas if Dally hadn't told me you weren't really there. I'd have gone all over that state to find you."
"Texas is…is real big," Johnny told him with a small, pained smile.
"Yeah, and I'd have gone over every inch of it looking for you two, and that would have been hard because the two of you are awful small. Like finding two needles in a haystack."
Johnny wheezed out a little laugh and Pony had to smile, his eyes getting hot. At least Johnny was happy. At least he got a few minutes of being okay. Hell, maybe he'd be okay all day. Maybe Soda and Two-Bit being there would make him feel better and he'd get a little bit of happiness on this shitty, shitty day.
"Pone?" Johnny asked then, and his head snapped up, all eyes in the room turning to him. Realizing his friend couldn't see him against the wall, he made himself get up, moving close to stand by Soda.
"Hey, Johnny."
"You think…" he gestured to the book Two-Bit had put on the nightstand and Pony nodded, not wanting to make him talk anymore than he had to since it hurt.
"You want to finish it?" he asked, grabbing it and holding it up.
"If they…don't mind," he whispered, flinching as he fought to get the words out.
"'Course we don't mind," Two-Bit insisted, grabbing a chair so Pony could sit close. Soda patted him on the back when he sat and he met his brother's eyes for a long moment. Would this help? Would Soda being here do anything? He was glad his brother was here, even if it didn't. He was glad to not be so alone anymore.
"Go on, Pone," he urged softly, squeezing his shoulder.
He knew that Pony had already tried this twice. But Sodapop hadn't been with him those times. Maybe that mattered. Maybe this would change things. He knew better to hope but for the life of him, he couldn't help it. So he nodded, opening the book to the last page they'd gotten to at that church and started to read the same words he'd read twice now while Johnny relaxed against his pillow and closed his eyes. On the other side of the bed, Two-Bit leaned back in his chair, his worried gaze on Johnny, and Pony felt Johnny scoot a little closer, like he was reading over his shoulder. Pony didn't mind. He wanted his brother close.
Pony didn't stop reading. Not to get a drink. Not to rest his eyes, which ached in time with his pounding head. He didn't stop until he read the last words that he hoped might actually be true this time.
"After all," he told the silent room. "Tomorrow is another day."
Thanks for reading.